Venting Venting 16/03

[ForeverCaHa]

The issue with writing venting posts in the early hours of the morning is that it looks like I'm posting multiple per day. I promise I haven't lost my mind that much (close, but not quite). This time in three weeks it should have all happened, so after that you won't have to read my posts bleating on about my partner any longer!

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Another day of sleeping until 5pm. Well, not really sleeping, just kind of laying in bed. At night I'm afraid to close my eyes, all I can see is my partner's body. I didn't find him, but I know how and where he did it. It's all I can see. But in the morning I can't bring myself to crawl out of bed, that just means having to be around people and pretend not to be biding my time until death.

I tried to practice partial suspension this evening, but it seems that a regular neck tie won't work. Either that or my slipknot isn't good enough. At one point I wretched, I could feel the tightness... maybe it could work if I fully committed. It's scary though. I'm begging for SN to work.

Last night I dreamt my partner was alive. In the dream it was his sister who had ended her life. Maybe it's cruel to think this, but I wish I were in that world. I would swap her for him in an instant. Instead I'm here, alone, with that same sister banning me from the funeral.

Tomorrow is going to be hard. Very hard. Knowing that somewhere he is being lowered into the ground. A big part of me wants to go through with my protocol tonight, so I don't have to face such an awful day. I've just found that my mum takes propranolol, so I have a source for that if need be. But I know I need to wait until April.

I'm now sat with a photo of myself and my partner. He looks perfect. The world without him is everything but perfect. I can't manage it.

 

[deadbidaylight]

I'm only seeing this post now. I can literally feel the pain emanating from your threads. My heart breaks for you.

I thought you were going to the funeral? Why the hell did his sister ban you?! Jesus what a callous, soulless thing to do. Have you visited his grave since he's been interned?

Nights are long and haunting. I don't doubt you're having trouble sleeping. It's the worst time to be alone with your thoughts, and your soul is so damaged. I am so very sad for you. Your time is close, but yet still so far.

If you think your posts are a burden or annoying, you are very wrong. I value each of your posts, especially knowing there aren't many left.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I'm only seeing this post now. I can literally feel the pain emanating from your threads. My heart breaks for you.

I thought you were going to the funeral? Why the hell did his sister ban you?! Jesus what a callous, soulless thing to do. Have you visited his grave since he's been interned?

Nights are long and haunting. I don't doubt you're having trouble sleeping. It's the worst time to be alone with your thoughts, and your soul is so damaged. I am so very sad for you. Your time is close, but yet still so far.

If you think your posts are a burden or annoying, you are very wrong. I value each of your posts, especially knowing there aren't many left.

I contacted her for more information (time/exact place etc.) a few days before, which is when she said it was immediate family only. I imagine if I hadn't asked and arrived in the town on the day, she would've just ignored me. His family is really small, so it breaks my heart to know so few people were present... Without wanting to be too nasty, his sister, frankly, isn't a nice person. He said himself that he was scared of her. I won't have any contact with the family in these weeks, but that means it will be hard to find out where he is buried (I'm just assuming it was a burial, I have zero information on what happened). He was buried(?) in Oxfordshire, which is quite far from where I live, so chances are I won't be able to go

 

[deadbidaylight]

I contacted her for more information (time/exact place etc.) a few days before, which is when she said it was immediate family only. I imagine if I hadn't asked and arrived in the town on the day, she would've just ignored me. His family is really small, so it breaks my heart to know so few people were present... Without wanting to be too nasty, his sister, frankly, isn't a nice person. He said himself that he was scared of her. I won't have any contact with the family in these weeks, but that means it will be hard to find out where he is buried (I'm just assuming it was a burial, I have zero information on what happened). He was buried(?) in Oxfordshire, which is quite far from where I live, so chances are I won't be able to go

Karma will get her, I promise you that.

I'm sorry that you likely won't be able to visit his final resting place. Just remember he's always with you, inside your heart. You can pay your respects to him by talking to him. You don't have to visit his grave to speak with him or see him.

It's clear he meant a lot to you, and I'm sure it was the same for him. I'm sure he's looking down at you from wherever he is, and hoping you can forgive him. You'll be able to tell him soon, if you end up going through with your plans.

I selfishly don't want you to. But I also totally understand why you do. I couldn't imagine losing a partner the way you have. I'll just hold your posts dear to my heart while I still can. Thinking of you man