PowerRanger4
New Member
- Nov 22, 2024
- 1
Sup Y'all. I'm a newbie here so I am not sure how these forums work but I'll try to vent here anyways. Sorry if I don't make things clear or don't get stuff across well.
I guess I should start by saying that my life has not been easy ever since I was given the big fat L at birth. Parent A was very abusive to me and Parent B. I don't know if these forums would let me discuss the details of how bad it was but just in case that's a no, I'll just say that it was so bad that I could have died at one point. They had so much control over my eating habits and food choices aswell. They would make me exercise for 3 hours a day and check my weight 3 times a day for everyday. It gotten bad to the point where everytime I would attend an event I would call them to ask them what food I am allowed to eat, because I felt the need to follow their instructions carefully, if my weight would increase suspiciously to them I would be forced to exercise more. If I complained or was upset I would be called sensitive. This resulted into me developing an unhealthy relationship with food as I grew up like eating very fast and binge eating. (Side note: I had a genetic condition that made my body struggle in losing weight but I got diagnosed years after the incident)
I know some of yall might be wondering if I still have contact with this parent, no I don't. After I reported them once and for all CPS made them seperate from me and now they live in a different country by their own volution. As for Parent B they cannot file for divorce as its very frowned upon where they are from to have one (B though would really want to), I could even say that it might be illegal (honestly the law is so confusion there, cause seperation is kinda a thing but divorce isnt, idk at this point), because of this they still have contact and discuss financial matters overseas. Because of the whole ordeal I avoided speaking with family members from A's side, although they have expressed their frustrations with them before and they have comforted me when A hurted my feelings I was not sure if they would listen to my side of the story. After I reported A they went back to their family for a while and told them about the incident (probably their own side) and stated that they wanted to die. My culture tends to normalise harsh methods of punishment and with A saying that serious thing to the family I felt afraid of reaching out again, fearing that I'd be judged. As for B's side very few of them sided with me for reporting A as they also witnessed times where they would make me upset in phone calls. The rest of the family were heavily against it and told me the same old stuff of forgiveness and A is still my parent so we should connect. B's response was the one who affected me the most. I can understand how me reporting A resulted in financial difficulties but B said to me once that this ruined our family and it needs to be fixed, over time B did respect my choice to never reach out to A and we are in better terms now but this experience of me being alone with my descision provides some context to how lonely it was for me to not be heard and understood.
Overtime I did go to therapy to help myself heal but I still had a long way to go. Id vent to my friends about what A did to me and that made me seem negative and also they were as young as me so i eventually stopped for their sake, cause i didnt want them to feel burdened with all my experiences. People said that I've grown more confident over the years and that I was slowly getting my own life back. I still had issues with my weight control and mental health but Overall I was more happy after A was gone.
Here comes the recent incident that made me wanna vent.
So you see in my friend group there was this one girl. Let's call her Regina. Regina was of corse a mean girl that would lie all the time and pick fights with our group mates. I opened up about how I felt excluded in the group to her but the next day she completely said that never happened. The Worst thing she has done was lieing about our group mate dying (keep in mind she was suffering from something severe) and that gravely affected her, I wont say what happened next for privacy sake but it was so bad to the point where their friendship never recovered. After that we made plans to distance Regina once we graduated, all the while telling each other what she said behind our backs that was disrespectful.
After the graduation I attended my new college. We had an event and I can see Regina was there, I was shocked so I texted everyone about it. Then I had a call with one other members of the group and told me "Oh yeah I know Regina was there, other friend told me... I didn't tell you Ooops!" I felt upset. My insecurities got the better of me and I started to think is there a reason why they knew this and I didn't, the person who went to that college. Are they intentionally keeping things from me. Maybe I'm too annoying, maybe I'm too loud, too much. Do I always learn stuff late? I don't contribute enough? Do people hang out with me out of obligation? I would tell them about Regina going to their schools but why not the other way? Etc. We were going to have a party but because of them hiding the info about Regina I felt uneasy about going. One of my friends even stated that if I lost weight I'd be more cute. I was upset but I didn't want a stir it up so i said "i agree" And told that i was losing weight. Every negative thing was in my head trying to validate not attending.
They had a call to discuss about it (I wasn't there cause I wasn't ready to join the call). They mostly said that I was mostly making this about myself. One of my friends Bessy (She was the only friend that knew about Regina being in school the sane time I did So I was not mad at her), told the rest that because of how my past was that I'd naturally have my trust shifted and that they needed to understand why I felt this way. Bessy also called out my other friend for saying out right What her mother said. Telling her that she was stupid to say that, She then had to remind them about how I was forced to exercise and how A controlled my weight. Although she was angry wishing that Bessy could have told her about this sooner, That's usually how she responds when feeling guilty. In the end Bessy gave them a proposed ultimatum, Stop being friends with me, or be honest about how they feel and be friends. They all eventually decided to be my friend and state how they feel.
Others cleared the misunderstandings of me not being included, some say that it wasn't intentional to not mention Regina and that they forgot and they are not good with keeping in touch with texting about new information. Others said that they didn't tell me because I would get upset, not because everyone was intentionally keeping me out of the loop. They took accountability and apologised for not telling me about this. The last friend said that Regina doesn't want to talk to us and I should do the same, I'm not obligated to know about stuff that I did not ask for. They are not obligated to tell how they feel since I don't tell them how I feel. Regina bothering you is a you problem. Don't base your conclusions on your hypothesis of us not going through stuff. I didn't know anymore information and you didn't ask me so I should not be expected to reassure you. I get your saying how you feel but I fail to see how it is any of my business. You gotta ask or say more stuff that you feel
After they sent all those text I finally went into the call but muted myself cause I was crying so much and I started to lose my voice. Some told me that they wanted to make things right, others suggested school counciling, others said that it's not their job to fix me. In the end we did make up but the incident still bothers me. Not because I'm still mad at them but I'm more mad at myself.
Later on Bessy would tell me things about the call before I joined, how they felt like I was making about myself, My past experiences, and the ultimatum. Bessy would state that my friends usually don't talk about how they feel cause they fear how I would react, in a way I could "seem sensitive".
OK here is where I vent.
I am not sure if all that time when I was telling my friends during highschool about my experiences was a lie. I remember I would talk to them about how A abused me and called about worrying about him. Like was all of that a lie, did I really tell them, cause i stopped because I could tell that they didn't knew how to handle this moment when I would tell them about it, that's why I stopped telling them. But even so to me it seems like they forgot. And I know this experience is supposed to teach me to communicate my feelings better but this whole thing makes me want to not state my feelings again. Me stating hiw I felt about Regina just lead to this mess. I hope the same logic of me not asking doesn't imply to a situation where if my friends knew about my hypothetical BF cheating on me but because I didn't ask them if they saw him cheating on me then I'm partially to blame for the miscommunication. I know that friend stated this stuff out of sudden anger and they couldn't have time to formulate their feelings properly but idk it sucks. Like I know they can't fix me and stuff, that's not what I want. Also school counciling in the country I'm at least in is not for trauma and stuff, it's more for stress in academics, therapy also takes months for you to get into, and you only have at least 9 days for the free service, as for private I'm broke, can't afford it. I asked my doctor if she could refer me but she said they will reject me, meaning I haven't hurt myself enough to get refered. It's just not enough that I look at people's CBT methods here, It's not enough when you hate yourself everyday. It's not enough when you tell yourself everyday that you want to die. It's not enough when you look for places to die. Was all the times when my friend started to get more positive with me when I started to heal a lie, Were they just being cautious, Maybe I haven't healed at all. Maybe things never changed. Maybe A is right and that I'm a drama queen. I hate that every problem I think of or deal within myself is linked to A. I hate that i can't communicate properly. I hate that I feel scared and trauma from every negative thing.I HATE THAT I FEEL STUFF. I HATE THAT PEOPLE SAY THAT THEY CANT FIX ME, I KNOW THAT, I KNOW. I HATE THAT PEOPLE SAY TO ME FORGIVE A. I HATE THAT MY CULTURE PUSHES FORGIVENESS ASLONG AS THAT PERSON IS YOUR PARENT, ISTG IF A WAS MY LOVER THEY WOULDN'T GET THE SAME TREATMENT. I HATE THAT IM AFFRAID OF REACHING OUT TO MY RELATIVES. I HATE THAT I CAN NEVER LIVE FOR MYSELF, I HATE THAT I CANT DEFEND MYSELF. I HATE HOW I LOOK, I HATE WHO I AM, I HATE MYSELF. I WISH I WAS DEAD.
Alright thats my random ramble
I guess I should start by saying that my life has not been easy ever since I was given the big fat L at birth. Parent A was very abusive to me and Parent B. I don't know if these forums would let me discuss the details of how bad it was but just in case that's a no, I'll just say that it was so bad that I could have died at one point. They had so much control over my eating habits and food choices aswell. They would make me exercise for 3 hours a day and check my weight 3 times a day for everyday. It gotten bad to the point where everytime I would attend an event I would call them to ask them what food I am allowed to eat, because I felt the need to follow their instructions carefully, if my weight would increase suspiciously to them I would be forced to exercise more. If I complained or was upset I would be called sensitive. This resulted into me developing an unhealthy relationship with food as I grew up like eating very fast and binge eating. (Side note: I had a genetic condition that made my body struggle in losing weight but I got diagnosed years after the incident)
I know some of yall might be wondering if I still have contact with this parent, no I don't. After I reported them once and for all CPS made them seperate from me and now they live in a different country by their own volution. As for Parent B they cannot file for divorce as its very frowned upon where they are from to have one (B though would really want to), I could even say that it might be illegal (honestly the law is so confusion there, cause seperation is kinda a thing but divorce isnt, idk at this point), because of this they still have contact and discuss financial matters overseas. Because of the whole ordeal I avoided speaking with family members from A's side, although they have expressed their frustrations with them before and they have comforted me when A hurted my feelings I was not sure if they would listen to my side of the story. After I reported A they went back to their family for a while and told them about the incident (probably their own side) and stated that they wanted to die. My culture tends to normalise harsh methods of punishment and with A saying that serious thing to the family I felt afraid of reaching out again, fearing that I'd be judged. As for B's side very few of them sided with me for reporting A as they also witnessed times where they would make me upset in phone calls. The rest of the family were heavily against it and told me the same old stuff of forgiveness and A is still my parent so we should connect. B's response was the one who affected me the most. I can understand how me reporting A resulted in financial difficulties but B said to me once that this ruined our family and it needs to be fixed, over time B did respect my choice to never reach out to A and we are in better terms now but this experience of me being alone with my descision provides some context to how lonely it was for me to not be heard and understood.
Overtime I did go to therapy to help myself heal but I still had a long way to go. Id vent to my friends about what A did to me and that made me seem negative and also they were as young as me so i eventually stopped for their sake, cause i didnt want them to feel burdened with all my experiences. People said that I've grown more confident over the years and that I was slowly getting my own life back. I still had issues with my weight control and mental health but Overall I was more happy after A was gone.
Here comes the recent incident that made me wanna vent.
So you see in my friend group there was this one girl. Let's call her Regina. Regina was of corse a mean girl that would lie all the time and pick fights with our group mates. I opened up about how I felt excluded in the group to her but the next day she completely said that never happened. The Worst thing she has done was lieing about our group mate dying (keep in mind she was suffering from something severe) and that gravely affected her, I wont say what happened next for privacy sake but it was so bad to the point where their friendship never recovered. After that we made plans to distance Regina once we graduated, all the while telling each other what she said behind our backs that was disrespectful.
After the graduation I attended my new college. We had an event and I can see Regina was there, I was shocked so I texted everyone about it. Then I had a call with one other members of the group and told me "Oh yeah I know Regina was there, other friend told me... I didn't tell you Ooops!" I felt upset. My insecurities got the better of me and I started to think is there a reason why they knew this and I didn't, the person who went to that college. Are they intentionally keeping things from me. Maybe I'm too annoying, maybe I'm too loud, too much. Do I always learn stuff late? I don't contribute enough? Do people hang out with me out of obligation? I would tell them about Regina going to their schools but why not the other way? Etc. We were going to have a party but because of them hiding the info about Regina I felt uneasy about going. One of my friends even stated that if I lost weight I'd be more cute. I was upset but I didn't want a stir it up so i said "i agree" And told that i was losing weight. Every negative thing was in my head trying to validate not attending.
They had a call to discuss about it (I wasn't there cause I wasn't ready to join the call). They mostly said that I was mostly making this about myself. One of my friends Bessy (She was the only friend that knew about Regina being in school the sane time I did So I was not mad at her), told the rest that because of how my past was that I'd naturally have my trust shifted and that they needed to understand why I felt this way. Bessy also called out my other friend for saying out right What her mother said. Telling her that she was stupid to say that, She then had to remind them about how I was forced to exercise and how A controlled my weight. Although she was angry wishing that Bessy could have told her about this sooner, That's usually how she responds when feeling guilty. In the end Bessy gave them a proposed ultimatum, Stop being friends with me, or be honest about how they feel and be friends. They all eventually decided to be my friend and state how they feel.
Others cleared the misunderstandings of me not being included, some say that it wasn't intentional to not mention Regina and that they forgot and they are not good with keeping in touch with texting about new information. Others said that they didn't tell me because I would get upset, not because everyone was intentionally keeping me out of the loop. They took accountability and apologised for not telling me about this. The last friend said that Regina doesn't want to talk to us and I should do the same, I'm not obligated to know about stuff that I did not ask for. They are not obligated to tell how they feel since I don't tell them how I feel. Regina bothering you is a you problem. Don't base your conclusions on your hypothesis of us not going through stuff. I didn't know anymore information and you didn't ask me so I should not be expected to reassure you. I get your saying how you feel but I fail to see how it is any of my business. You gotta ask or say more stuff that you feel
After they sent all those text I finally went into the call but muted myself cause I was crying so much and I started to lose my voice. Some told me that they wanted to make things right, others suggested school counciling, others said that it's not their job to fix me. In the end we did make up but the incident still bothers me. Not because I'm still mad at them but I'm more mad at myself.
Later on Bessy would tell me things about the call before I joined, how they felt like I was making about myself, My past experiences, and the ultimatum. Bessy would state that my friends usually don't talk about how they feel cause they fear how I would react, in a way I could "seem sensitive".
OK here is where I vent.
I am not sure if all that time when I was telling my friends during highschool about my experiences was a lie. I remember I would talk to them about how A abused me and called about worrying about him. Like was all of that a lie, did I really tell them, cause i stopped because I could tell that they didn't knew how to handle this moment when I would tell them about it, that's why I stopped telling them. But even so to me it seems like they forgot. And I know this experience is supposed to teach me to communicate my feelings better but this whole thing makes me want to not state my feelings again. Me stating hiw I felt about Regina just lead to this mess. I hope the same logic of me not asking doesn't imply to a situation where if my friends knew about my hypothetical BF cheating on me but because I didn't ask them if they saw him cheating on me then I'm partially to blame for the miscommunication. I know that friend stated this stuff out of sudden anger and they couldn't have time to formulate their feelings properly but idk it sucks. Like I know they can't fix me and stuff, that's not what I want. Also school counciling in the country I'm at least in is not for trauma and stuff, it's more for stress in academics, therapy also takes months for you to get into, and you only have at least 9 days for the free service, as for private I'm broke, can't afford it. I asked my doctor if she could refer me but she said they will reject me, meaning I haven't hurt myself enough to get refered. It's just not enough that I look at people's CBT methods here, It's not enough when you hate yourself everyday. It's not enough when you tell yourself everyday that you want to die. It's not enough when you look for places to die. Was all the times when my friend started to get more positive with me when I started to heal a lie, Were they just being cautious, Maybe I haven't healed at all. Maybe things never changed. Maybe A is right and that I'm a drama queen. I hate that every problem I think of or deal within myself is linked to A. I hate that i can't communicate properly. I hate that I feel scared and trauma from every negative thing.I HATE THAT I FEEL STUFF. I HATE THAT PEOPLE SAY THAT THEY CANT FIX ME, I KNOW THAT, I KNOW. I HATE THAT PEOPLE SAY TO ME FORGIVE A. I HATE THAT MY CULTURE PUSHES FORGIVENESS ASLONG AS THAT PERSON IS YOUR PARENT, ISTG IF A WAS MY LOVER THEY WOULDN'T GET THE SAME TREATMENT. I HATE THAT IM AFFRAID OF REACHING OUT TO MY RELATIVES. I HATE THAT I CAN NEVER LIVE FOR MYSELF, I HATE THAT I CANT DEFEND MYSELF. I HATE HOW I LOOK, I HATE WHO I AM, I HATE MYSELF. I WISH I WAS DEAD.
Alright thats my random ramble
