heisenberg
zzzzzzz
- May 18, 2020
- 202
i felt good for a couple days but it always leads back to this feeling of emptiness and pain. i think my boyfriend and i are both over our relationship but neither of us want to admit it. we got into a disagreement yesterday over the charlie kirk death. i wont make this politic focused but i'm liberal and he knows that. he's never told me his exact standpoint but i guess he's republican. anyway, during this he said something to the effect of "we just have different opinions." and i brought up how he said to me before that we have nothing in common. and he responded "i'm glad you remember that" in a genuinely positive tone. i kinda just left it at that cause idk what to say.
i haven't felt intimate towards him in a few months and don't feel attracted to him anymore. i don't remember the last time i felt anything when him or i said "i love you" to each other. almost every "joke" he makes now is derogatory towards me but swears they're jokes. i bought him a gift the other day and his first reaction was "wow i'm so surprised you actually did this for me" idk it just put me off. he told me texting each other is boring so i take hours to reply to him now.
at this point though i don't really care about his feelings towards me. i'll be dead in a couple months. i wish i would've killed myself when i had the chance last time. i truly feel so pathetic. there is nothing for me in this life and never will be. i have nothing that makes me happy, no purpose, no motivation to do anything, and no will to live. i can't talk to anyone about how i feel cause they don't understand and everyone always ends up angry with me.
once i'm dead, no one will get to be angry with me anymore. no one will have to "walk on eggshells" around me anymore. i've heard that phrase from more than one person before including my current boyfriend and it never gets easier to hear. i am a deeply flawed human being and will never amount to anything. we are put on this earth just to die but i want it to be over now. i hate myself and i hate my life. everyone i've ever knew has made it clear at one point at least that they can't stand me. me getting to this point is the result of the consequences of my own actions because i can't fathom a life worth living.
i haven't felt intimate towards him in a few months and don't feel attracted to him anymore. i don't remember the last time i felt anything when him or i said "i love you" to each other. almost every "joke" he makes now is derogatory towards me but swears they're jokes. i bought him a gift the other day and his first reaction was "wow i'm so surprised you actually did this for me" idk it just put me off. he told me texting each other is boring so i take hours to reply to him now.
at this point though i don't really care about his feelings towards me. i'll be dead in a couple months. i wish i would've killed myself when i had the chance last time. i truly feel so pathetic. there is nothing for me in this life and never will be. i have nothing that makes me happy, no purpose, no motivation to do anything, and no will to live. i can't talk to anyone about how i feel cause they don't understand and everyone always ends up angry with me.
once i'm dead, no one will get to be angry with me anymore. no one will have to "walk on eggshells" around me anymore. i've heard that phrase from more than one person before including my current boyfriend and it never gets easier to hear. i am a deeply flawed human being and will never amount to anything. we are put on this earth just to die but i want it to be over now. i hate myself and i hate my life. everyone i've ever knew has made it clear at one point at least that they can't stand me. me getting to this point is the result of the consequences of my own actions because i can't fathom a life worth living.
