(Long Story, I'm sorry in advance.)
Hi all,
I've been trying hard this year all since mid January to recover from suicidal thoughts and wishes. I have not been that active on the forum this year because of that. It went well in the beginning, but due to various reasons I've been feeling increasingly more suicidal over the past months since September/October until now.
December is a hard month for me. I grew up with mostly bad Christmases and negative memories and experiences, only had a couple good ones. I'd often be made fun of, triggered on purpose with PTSD related things and abused more often than usual whenever Christmas came around as a kid, teenager and adult by my family and others.
Last December and last Christmas was the worst one I've ever had. It's one of the most painful experiences of my life and I've been really stressed and scared all of this December because I'm worried about history repeating itself this year and I want to do anything to avoid it happening again. I'm scared, I feel lonely and I feel abandoned. I'm not used to feeling lonely or abandoned. It's emotions that are very new to me and I don't fully understand how to comprehend it yet, but I've tried my best to keep it to myself and in check. I don't want to bother or burden anyone. I don't want to give someone another reason to abandon me during this difficult time of the year. I'm terrified of being honest and of talking about anything personal or my feelings due to that with the people I care about the most. I don't feel comfortable and I hate it. I'm usually a very outspoken and honest person, it kills me inside to feel as if I have to pretend that I'm fine and that I'm so strong and unbothered when I'm struggling this much right now just due to fear of losing people. Last Christmas I lost almost every single person I care about and I was made fun of and then later abandoned and ignored from Christmas day until beyond New Year. I cannot express how awfully painful that was and how betrayed, hated and disrespected I felt, especially when these people knew how hard that time of the year is for me mentally.
For the past 2 weeks I've been wanting to get help medically, I've felt overwhelmed with fear, anxiety and stress. I requested through mail to my doctor to be hospitalized in a closed mental unit a week ago. I just wanted to get help because I felt so suicidal. An hour after I sent that mail, my mom texted me and said her new best friend/neighbour got hospitalized in that same unit for suicidal ideation that same day, she doesn't know that I was trying to get hospitalized. I have a very strained relationship with my mom, she has an alcohol problem and in recent months she's confirmed that she has a thing for opioids now too. She hangs out with people who sell and do drugs, but the people she hangs out with mainly do Heroin from what she's said. I don't know if she uses that. I asked my doctor to not hospitalize me when I was given this new information as I don't want to see or meet this best friend/neighbour of my mom. She was a reason behind why I felt so suicidal that day so it would only have made it worse if I were to see them. For several days prior to asking to be hospitalized, my mom had been spamming me and my brothers videos, photos and texts about drinking vodka at 10.00 in the morning with her best friend. They did this for at least 3 days in a row. I don't use social media and I've actively avoided all of it since October because I'm scared of it triggering bad flashbacks. A family friend went on Facebook and told me that my mom was drunk posting and proudly posted about being black out drunk and vomiting from drinking too much with the said friend. The last day in which they drank a lot togheter, apparently the friend got so black out drunk that she wanted to suicide and she got hospitalized over it. I don't know if drugs was involved or if she had a psychosis. My mom claimed it was «just a small depression».
I asked my doctor if I could be hospitalized elsewhere and apparently the law says no in terms of hospitalizations within emergency mental units, it has to be done locally where you live? So I said no to being hospitalized. My mom and this friend of hers have been trying to pressure me into drinking heavy liqour and into trying drugs, which I have no interest in. It stresses me out and makes me very uncomfortable. I don't want anything to do with any of them. But my mom is very threatening and violent and she tries to harm my brothers and my grandparents if I don't talk to her. I try to reply to her just for the sake of everyone else, I don't want her to ruin everyone elses lifes just because I didn't reply to her. I've not met her in person in 2 years. I don't want to. I wish I could have 0 contact with her. I feel like, and a psychologist confirmed this, that I'm slowly watching my mom drink, fight and drug herself to death. It hurts because there's nothing I can do to safe her, I feel so much guilt and I don't know how to handle it. It's a lot. Everyone in my family, family friends and her old friends have given up on her, it feels horrible because I don't want anyone to be abandoned or to feel hated. If I don't reply to her instantly she starts talking about how everyone hates her and how nobody likes her anymore, then she starts threatening me and saying I deserve to be beat up and that I'm disrespectful and a bad daughter for ignoring her.
This mixed with the fear of being abandoned and of possibly being randomly ignored again all Christmas like I was last Christmas by the people I care about, it's just too much. I couldn't handle it and I've been wanting help for 2 weeks now because I realise I can't deal with it by myself. I just wish I could skip this month. I wish December didn't exist.
Yesterday was overall a bad day and I was crying a lot and feeling defeated many times. I haven't had any high percentage alcohol in a couple years and so I ended up buying some after a hard day to try and feel better. In the beginning, the alcohol did help and made me feel more positive and lighter. But I ended up drinking too much without realising it and I got black out drunk which I'm not used to. It resulted in me crying and feeling hopeless about life again. I went outside and asked for someone to call the emergency room for me and I said I want help because I feel like killing myself. I said I got a SN suicide kit at home so I left my house when I felt the strongest urge about using it. I just broke down on the ground and cried a lot until an ambulance came and I had a panic attack. I got sent to the emergency room and they took a bunch of tests. I was laying in a bed and they connected some heart device to me, took blood tests and they apparently did a breathalizer on me which I've never tried before. They said the blood alcohol level was 0.17 which is a lot for someone who doesn't drink often and who don't drink high percentage alcohol. The number didn't tell me much because I knew nothing about this stuff. They also told me I was dehydrated and that I haven't eaten in a long time.
After 4 hours they let me get released from IVs and from heart monitor device. I started feeling clear headed at that point and not intoxicated anymore. I didn't really feel suicidal anymore either once I started sobering up and thinking rationally. I mostly just wanted to go home and go to bed. A nurse made it seem as if I had to go talk to a doctor in the closed mental unit accross the street before I leave. I said that was fine, I can have a talk before I go, no issue. I didn't have anything with me when I was sent to emergency room. I only had my keys on me and wallet with ID in my jacket pocket. I didn't know what happened to my phone so I asked if I could borrow one. I was told they would help me get my phone or take me home when I've spoken to this doctor. I sat around waiting for 3 hours for someone to escort me to the closed mental unit accross the street that was a 2 minute walk away according to nurses. I was told I had to wait that long because someone had to come along with me so I wouldn't suicide or hurt myself. Kept waiting and when I saw that the clock ticket at 02.30 at night I started crying again because I was so exhausted and I just wanted to talk to someone and I felt really lonely. They got an ambulance to drive me accross the street because all the nurses were too busy to take a 2 minute walk with me.
I got into the closed mental unit and I was asked some questions by a nurse and a doctor. Got another breathalizer test which showed a low number this time and I asked what it meant, they said it doesn't mean much because the number is too small to really matter. I got asked some questions about the day and what happened. I was shown to a room that had a bed, desk, office chair and a sofa thing that was connected to a window/wall. The bathroom had a weird shower and a toilet, there was no glass and no curtains anywhere. The bed was really uncomfortable. The window was locked and it had barriers to the point where you couldn't really see outside. There was a small 1ish inch/some cm large opening in which I could see outside, but it was so dark I couldn't see much since it was during the night. Ironically there was 1 painting on the wall of a desert called «wanderers» that had been painted by a patient.
After half an hour in the unit I was worried about my phone because I didn't know what happened to it or where it is. I couldn't contact my family or friends without it. The nurse gave me some old nokia phone with buttons and googled my brothers phone number for me. I couldn't reach any of them, they were probably asleep since it was almost 03.00ish on a working night and I was calling from a unknown number which they never answer. I felt really upset by this because I could have borrowed a phone at the emergency unit before 00.00 and nobody would give me one because «you'll get help with going home to get your phone once you've spoken to a doctor in the mental unit». I didn't expect that «soon» meant 3 hours later in the middle of the night. This all stressed me out incredibly much and I felt like all I wanted to do was to go home. They said that as long as I'm hospitalized I cannot go home to get my phone.
Half an hour later, I asked for the nurse and doctor to talk to me again. I said I'm ready to go home and I feel better now mentally and I'm not thinking about suicide. Since I was there with my consent and on a volunteery basis I could leave whenver I wanted to and I said that. They asked me some questions about suicidality and so on and cleared me and said there's no reason to keep me there anymore. They said ok we will order you a taxi and arrange for you to leave. 10 minutes later they come back to my room and let me know that I'm suddenly not allowed to leave and that one of the head doctors of the unit that they called to inform that I was leaving, who I've never met and who I've never talked to before, has decided to keep me by force, involunteeringly and without my consent. I was pretty shocked and I started feeling suicidal again when I heard that. I could not comprehend what was going on or why this was happening. It made no sense to me legally nor medically.
I thought it was a joke at first and that this wasn't really happening. I said you can't do that and they said they are sorry, but they can't let me go even though they agree that I should be allowed and that they can't overrule the decision of their boss. I just started crying and having a panic attack again, I got a bad migraine eventually from all the stress and crying. I asked if I could borrow a smartphone or a computer or a book on health laws so I can read my rights because I know this makes no sense, but I don't know all the laws in my head so I want to read it now and to be informed so I can refer to it. They said there was no smartphones and no computers available and that they somehow didn't have any legal books on health and medicine laws. I asked what happens if I hypotethically leave and try to go home, they told me they'd have to call the cops on me then and in worst case scenario put me in belts. I felt like I was in a living nightmare when I heard this. I asked if I could call a lawyer or see a hospital priest so that I could get some help in this situation and I wasn't allowed neither.
I felt like I was being punished and isolated against my will. I felt like a prisoner. I felt like I just lost all my freedom and my human rights. I really struggled with all of this. I didn't understand why I was being punished and robbed of my rights and freedom when I had done nothing and the staff agreed. I had not been violent, I had not been threatening, I had not been irrational, I was not a danger to anyone nor myself, I had been friendly, reflective, well-spoken and cooperative the entire time I was there and the only thing I had done was ask for help when I was in a irration bad headspace while being black out drunk, which did no longer apply as I was sobering up. I had no signs of a psychosis and I've never had any. I don't have any of the mental illnesses that you can legally hold someone back from leaving for. I just have my C-PTSD and depression.
I felt like it was a sad joke that some person I don't know who's never interacted with me could decide something like that and play God. The entire night staff which consisted of several nurses and a normal doctor informed me that they felt that this was a wrong decision on the end of this one unit head doctor. They made a report against the doctor and sent it to the heads of the hospital and to some legal mental health board because they felt that the doctor was breaking several laws and that he's defeating the whole meaning and purpose behind «volunteeringly hospitalized». If you can keep a normal person by force who's there volunteeringly and they cannot leave whenever the want to, what's the point of having a system where you can «volunteer» then, one nurse said. There's no real volunteering then if you can be held back without consent over nothing for no reason. You can keep someone back by force and forcably hospitalize someone against their will, but the law says that the reason behind that must be very good and the doctor must be able to defend it. The patient also has the right to share their views before that decision is made and the doctor also have to examine the patient in person, none of this happened in my case.
I told them that if this doctor would have bothered to read my health journal and files he would have seen that I have a long history of being socially isolated and being in isolation in small rooms against my will. I told them that keeping me here when I'm not suicidal anymore and when I have this history, you are retraumatizing me and you are making me feel suicidal again by doing this. I would feel a lot better if I was allowed to go home again. I was triggered and I had a lot of flashbacks to moment before when I've been isolated as both a kid and as an adult. It felt so unbearable. The negatives of keeping me there largely outweighted the «positives» legally and medically, which made it even more bizzare that a unknown doctor chose to do this and to give me lasting negative effects on my mental health when I already struggle so much with trauma related to this very same thing. I was corona isolated on 0 legal and 0 medical basis as I had 7 negative corona tests and 0 positive ones, bed bound, bound to a small room, and kept against my will in the hospital in this town which is connected to the emergency room and the mental hospital, 2 years ago for 16 days when I had 2 broken ankles and I was waiting on ankle surgery which ended up being malpractice and which ultimately fucked my ankle so I was wheelchair bound for 1 year after that surgery and that hospitalization as a result. I thought to myself no way, there's no way that this is happening again. Not another crazy fucking doctor who's going to ruin my life at the same hospital. I can't believe it's happening again. I can't believe there's another possibly psychopathic doctor who has my life in his hands and who wants to see people suffer and who thrives off of punishing people.
I walked around looking for ways to kill myself in the room when I was told I'm being kept there against my will and they had no reason to back the decision up with, but I couldn't find anything. At some point I considered for a minute to swallow a bunch of soap or something because that was the only thing I could find that could maybe make me end things or to hurt myself with to get out of there and to be sent back to emergency room which is easy to walk out off and go home from because the doors arent locked. My worst nightmare was to be stuck in isolation in a small room with no rights. I wasn't allowed to leave the room, I wasn't allowed to go for a hike with a nurse, I couldn't really call anyone other than my brothers who are my emergency contacts within this country which wouldn't pick up. I asked if this phone could send texts and they said no. I tried sending texts anyways and I can confirm it didn't work. I tried calling my own number eventually and I was instantly sent to voicemail. It made my anxiety and stress so much worse because my phone never dies, I was convinced I had lost the phone or that it had gotten stolen at that point. I don't leave the house without my phone because of my PTSD.
I told the nighttime doctor and one of the nurses that you will be fucking with my life so badly by keeping me here. There's so many people that rely on me and that needs me and they can't reach me and I can't reach them because I don't have their number in my head and I don't remember their email address. You potentionally will effect, damage and maybe even ruin some of my relations that I've worked my ass off to repair and maintain. It broke me to think about that I might have ruined those relations now all because I got kept in a hospital for longer than I wanted to and on false terms and conditions and when I was lied to. The longer I'm here, the worse it will be for me. I felt so anxious and stressed about my mom, she needs help from me often during the night because of all the alcohol and drugs she consume, it gets her into bad and violent situations and she sometimes end up in places she's never been and don't know how to get home or where she is. I felt so stressed about the people I care about because they arent doing well and they are suicidal themselves. I felt like I was letting everyone down. This is such a difficult time of the year and statistically the suicide rate is the highest around Christmas time. I was terrified of anyone I know killing themselves while I was hospitalized and out of reach for them. Most of my friends and family know I'm suicidal and that I've struggled with this since I was 11, I'm now in my mid-20s. I was scared that since nobody can reach me and since my phone is off, that everyone will worry that I did end my life or that I suddenly went missing. I felt so much guilt over possibly having made others worry about me when nobody had to. I had appointments and meetings in the morning that I had to attend to to help others that need me. I had to miss out on all of them which is very upsetting to me. I don't miss appointments.
I was worried that being out of reach and having my phone be turned off, would give some of the people who abandoned me last Christmas, a reason to abandon me again now and to block me. I was really scared of that. I feel so alone right now, I don't want to fully lose anyone again on top of that.
I spent the next 3 hours crying so much and I kept double checking in my pockets for my phone over and over. I could still not find anything other than my keys, wallet and some makeup. I know this sounds really stupid and I don't want to tell this to anyone I know in real life because of shame, fear, disapointment and judgement because I know that they think this is wrong of me. But the only thing that kept me motivated, patient and going in that small room was my keychain. My ex put a heart lock on it a year ago and I've kept it since I'm a sentimental person and I'm not often given things so I cherish the few things I do get from people. I just kept fiddling with it the entire time as it was the only physical object I had with me that could remind me of positive memories and places. At the same time I was worried and stressed about him since he also feels suicidal and Christmas is a painful time of the year for him too. I was worried about my moms well-being, and my other suicidal friends as well. I just wanted to know if everyone was alright.
Out of irrationality and fear of being locked up over an extended time/days without my consent, I almost asked for them to call my dad during the night. I haven't spoken to him verbally since I was 11. I can't really talk to him or have any relations with him because hes still married to the woman who sexually abused me as a kid. But I really missed him and I felt so alone, helpless and scared. He's the only other person I know who has a lot of knowledge about healthcare laws so that's why I was strongly considering it. But I ultimately decided that I shouldn't talk to him and that it will bring up a lot of PTSD because of his wife still being in the picture and that I was being irrational because my brothers were asleep and not picking up the hospital calls.
At 06.00 in the morning, one nurse went out of his way to print out every single healthcare law for me and he also highlighted with a yellow highlight pen all the laws that the doctor broke. I found several more laws that he clearly had broken when I read all of it. But in total the nurses found 3-4 main laws that they could 100% say that he broke and did not follow. I wasnt allowed a pen or a pencil so I used my eyeshadow kit to highlight the additional laws that he broke or that were questionably not followed. It took a couple hours to read it all. They encouraged me and wanted me to also make my own report and to report him myself too. I said I don't want to. Justice means nothing to me and I've never had justice in my life. It's meaningless. It won't give me back the 7 hours of freedom that I lost in which I was isolated or remove the flashbacks and trauma that this has unnessescarily caused me. I just wanted to go home, check up on everyone that matter to me and to regain my freedom. I refused to sleep, eat or drink water until I was let back home.
After I finished reading all the laws, the sun was rising and I knew the clock must have been 08 or 09 then here at this time of the year. The nighttime staff left at 07. I left the room since I was told that I can walk around in the unit when the daytime staff has arrived. I found a nurse who was laying on a sofa watching TV what time it was and she said it was 09.00. I asked again if I could contact a lawyer or see a hospital priest since it's day time, the nurse didn't really want to help me and she seemed to just want to watch TV in peace so I gave up. I found a chair and placed it near the exit door of the building to wait for the unit head doctors to arrive. They would arrive at 09.30 I was told. I didn't want to get ignored or be forgotten. I wanted to go home as soon as possible. Some other nurse walked past me and realised he didn't know me. He presented himself to me and said he'd heard about me and the night. I said I want to go home and he started going on about morality and some weird stuff about how sometimes it's for the best to keep people by force for no reason and unjustified. I was like what the fuck is this guy talking about and why is he talking about this to me. None of this applies to me. I just want to go home and check in on the people I care and worry about.
He then went on about how they care about me and how they take me seriously and want the best for me and that's why it's fine to keep me there without my consent. I said you clearly don't care about what's best for me when you are choosing to willingly and for no reason retraumatize me and to induce a lot of flashbacks in me when it's not nessescary. He kept wanting to argue with me for some reason and wouldn't stop. I said I wanna go home again, I kept repeating it and he said well, maybe it's best that you stay for a couple days or a week. I was like what is wrong with you, I don't want to spend all of Christmas in this hellhole. Christmas is already bad as it is, I don't need this to be associated with it and to make it even worse. I asked him if I can see a hospital priest and he said why, I said I want to talk to someone, and he said oh, aren't I good enough to talk to? Like jesus, just leave me alone and let me speak to someone else. Ultimately I was never allowed to see a priest nor a lawyer.
The unit head doctors finally arrived and I got to speak to the doctor who had been keeping me there by force and I got to meet him for the first time. Within 5 minutes of the conversation I was told that yeah, there's no reason to keep you here, that I'm too sane, aware, rational, well-reflected and well spoken and I was told I'm allowed to leave and that this was not the right place for me to be in. I've learned that any alcohol with high % is not for me and I will be going back to avoiding that the way I have been for the past 2 years. This hospital experience was not worth it and I don't want to ever go through this again unless I'm sober and in control of the situation with a phone in my pocket. During the entire talk with the doctor I was fiddling with that heart lock again. I was so stressed out and tierd. They ordered a taxi for me and on the way to the entrance to the mental unit, I saw a computer room with 5 computers so I was lied to when they told me there's no computers I can use to look up my rights and to contact anyone.
The taxi home was the slowest drive I've ever been in, the guy was driving way below the speed limit the entire time. I was starting to get worried that I'll never make it home. He didn't understand where my house was and had some issues communicating with me, I just told him to stop a bit away from my apartment and ran to the apartment from there as he was driving the wrong way. It was cold and windy. I found my phone on the floor inside my apartment, dead so I had to charge it. I had a few unread messages but it was all sent to me within an hour before I got back home so it settled my anxiety and worries quite a bit.
I'm scared of telling most people about what happened and I think I don't want to. I'll keep pretending to be strong and that I'm happy and positive. I just want this Christmas to be as bearable as possible. It's going to be painful, tough and difficult due to my anxiety and PTSD, I just don't want Christmas and the rest of December to be any worse than it already is. I don't want to lose anyone today, tomorrow, this next week. I don't want to be abandoned again or to be ignored again.
Hi all,
I've been trying hard this year all since mid January to recover from suicidal thoughts and wishes. I have not been that active on the forum this year because of that. It went well in the beginning, but due to various reasons I've been feeling increasingly more suicidal over the past months since September/October until now.
December is a hard month for me. I grew up with mostly bad Christmases and negative memories and experiences, only had a couple good ones. I'd often be made fun of, triggered on purpose with PTSD related things and abused more often than usual whenever Christmas came around as a kid, teenager and adult by my family and others.
Last December and last Christmas was the worst one I've ever had. It's one of the most painful experiences of my life and I've been really stressed and scared all of this December because I'm worried about history repeating itself this year and I want to do anything to avoid it happening again. I'm scared, I feel lonely and I feel abandoned. I'm not used to feeling lonely or abandoned. It's emotions that are very new to me and I don't fully understand how to comprehend it yet, but I've tried my best to keep it to myself and in check. I don't want to bother or burden anyone. I don't want to give someone another reason to abandon me during this difficult time of the year. I'm terrified of being honest and of talking about anything personal or my feelings due to that with the people I care about the most. I don't feel comfortable and I hate it. I'm usually a very outspoken and honest person, it kills me inside to feel as if I have to pretend that I'm fine and that I'm so strong and unbothered when I'm struggling this much right now just due to fear of losing people. Last Christmas I lost almost every single person I care about and I was made fun of and then later abandoned and ignored from Christmas day until beyond New Year. I cannot express how awfully painful that was and how betrayed, hated and disrespected I felt, especially when these people knew how hard that time of the year is for me mentally.
For the past 2 weeks I've been wanting to get help medically, I've felt overwhelmed with fear, anxiety and stress. I requested through mail to my doctor to be hospitalized in a closed mental unit a week ago. I just wanted to get help because I felt so suicidal. An hour after I sent that mail, my mom texted me and said her new best friend/neighbour got hospitalized in that same unit for suicidal ideation that same day, she doesn't know that I was trying to get hospitalized. I have a very strained relationship with my mom, she has an alcohol problem and in recent months she's confirmed that she has a thing for opioids now too. She hangs out with people who sell and do drugs, but the people she hangs out with mainly do Heroin from what she's said. I don't know if she uses that. I asked my doctor to not hospitalize me when I was given this new information as I don't want to see or meet this best friend/neighbour of my mom. She was a reason behind why I felt so suicidal that day so it would only have made it worse if I were to see them. For several days prior to asking to be hospitalized, my mom had been spamming me and my brothers videos, photos and texts about drinking vodka at 10.00 in the morning with her best friend. They did this for at least 3 days in a row. I don't use social media and I've actively avoided all of it since October because I'm scared of it triggering bad flashbacks. A family friend went on Facebook and told me that my mom was drunk posting and proudly posted about being black out drunk and vomiting from drinking too much with the said friend. The last day in which they drank a lot togheter, apparently the friend got so black out drunk that she wanted to suicide and she got hospitalized over it. I don't know if drugs was involved or if she had a psychosis. My mom claimed it was «just a small depression».
I asked my doctor if I could be hospitalized elsewhere and apparently the law says no in terms of hospitalizations within emergency mental units, it has to be done locally where you live? So I said no to being hospitalized. My mom and this friend of hers have been trying to pressure me into drinking heavy liqour and into trying drugs, which I have no interest in. It stresses me out and makes me very uncomfortable. I don't want anything to do with any of them. But my mom is very threatening and violent and she tries to harm my brothers and my grandparents if I don't talk to her. I try to reply to her just for the sake of everyone else, I don't want her to ruin everyone elses lifes just because I didn't reply to her. I've not met her in person in 2 years. I don't want to. I wish I could have 0 contact with her. I feel like, and a psychologist confirmed this, that I'm slowly watching my mom drink, fight and drug herself to death. It hurts because there's nothing I can do to safe her, I feel so much guilt and I don't know how to handle it. It's a lot. Everyone in my family, family friends and her old friends have given up on her, it feels horrible because I don't want anyone to be abandoned or to feel hated. If I don't reply to her instantly she starts talking about how everyone hates her and how nobody likes her anymore, then she starts threatening me and saying I deserve to be beat up and that I'm disrespectful and a bad daughter for ignoring her.
This mixed with the fear of being abandoned and of possibly being randomly ignored again all Christmas like I was last Christmas by the people I care about, it's just too much. I couldn't handle it and I've been wanting help for 2 weeks now because I realise I can't deal with it by myself. I just wish I could skip this month. I wish December didn't exist.
Yesterday was overall a bad day and I was crying a lot and feeling defeated many times. I haven't had any high percentage alcohol in a couple years and so I ended up buying some after a hard day to try and feel better. In the beginning, the alcohol did help and made me feel more positive and lighter. But I ended up drinking too much without realising it and I got black out drunk which I'm not used to. It resulted in me crying and feeling hopeless about life again. I went outside and asked for someone to call the emergency room for me and I said I want help because I feel like killing myself. I said I got a SN suicide kit at home so I left my house when I felt the strongest urge about using it. I just broke down on the ground and cried a lot until an ambulance came and I had a panic attack. I got sent to the emergency room and they took a bunch of tests. I was laying in a bed and they connected some heart device to me, took blood tests and they apparently did a breathalizer on me which I've never tried before. They said the blood alcohol level was 0.17 which is a lot for someone who doesn't drink often and who don't drink high percentage alcohol. The number didn't tell me much because I knew nothing about this stuff. They also told me I was dehydrated and that I haven't eaten in a long time.
After 4 hours they let me get released from IVs and from heart monitor device. I started feeling clear headed at that point and not intoxicated anymore. I didn't really feel suicidal anymore either once I started sobering up and thinking rationally. I mostly just wanted to go home and go to bed. A nurse made it seem as if I had to go talk to a doctor in the closed mental unit accross the street before I leave. I said that was fine, I can have a talk before I go, no issue. I didn't have anything with me when I was sent to emergency room. I only had my keys on me and wallet with ID in my jacket pocket. I didn't know what happened to my phone so I asked if I could borrow one. I was told they would help me get my phone or take me home when I've spoken to this doctor. I sat around waiting for 3 hours for someone to escort me to the closed mental unit accross the street that was a 2 minute walk away according to nurses. I was told I had to wait that long because someone had to come along with me so I wouldn't suicide or hurt myself. Kept waiting and when I saw that the clock ticket at 02.30 at night I started crying again because I was so exhausted and I just wanted to talk to someone and I felt really lonely. They got an ambulance to drive me accross the street because all the nurses were too busy to take a 2 minute walk with me.
I got into the closed mental unit and I was asked some questions by a nurse and a doctor. Got another breathalizer test which showed a low number this time and I asked what it meant, they said it doesn't mean much because the number is too small to really matter. I got asked some questions about the day and what happened. I was shown to a room that had a bed, desk, office chair and a sofa thing that was connected to a window/wall. The bathroom had a weird shower and a toilet, there was no glass and no curtains anywhere. The bed was really uncomfortable. The window was locked and it had barriers to the point where you couldn't really see outside. There was a small 1ish inch/some cm large opening in which I could see outside, but it was so dark I couldn't see much since it was during the night. Ironically there was 1 painting on the wall of a desert called «wanderers» that had been painted by a patient.
After half an hour in the unit I was worried about my phone because I didn't know what happened to it or where it is. I couldn't contact my family or friends without it. The nurse gave me some old nokia phone with buttons and googled my brothers phone number for me. I couldn't reach any of them, they were probably asleep since it was almost 03.00ish on a working night and I was calling from a unknown number which they never answer. I felt really upset by this because I could have borrowed a phone at the emergency unit before 00.00 and nobody would give me one because «you'll get help with going home to get your phone once you've spoken to a doctor in the mental unit». I didn't expect that «soon» meant 3 hours later in the middle of the night. This all stressed me out incredibly much and I felt like all I wanted to do was to go home. They said that as long as I'm hospitalized I cannot go home to get my phone.
Half an hour later, I asked for the nurse and doctor to talk to me again. I said I'm ready to go home and I feel better now mentally and I'm not thinking about suicide. Since I was there with my consent and on a volunteery basis I could leave whenver I wanted to and I said that. They asked me some questions about suicidality and so on and cleared me and said there's no reason to keep me there anymore. They said ok we will order you a taxi and arrange for you to leave. 10 minutes later they come back to my room and let me know that I'm suddenly not allowed to leave and that one of the head doctors of the unit that they called to inform that I was leaving, who I've never met and who I've never talked to before, has decided to keep me by force, involunteeringly and without my consent. I was pretty shocked and I started feeling suicidal again when I heard that. I could not comprehend what was going on or why this was happening. It made no sense to me legally nor medically.
I thought it was a joke at first and that this wasn't really happening. I said you can't do that and they said they are sorry, but they can't let me go even though they agree that I should be allowed and that they can't overrule the decision of their boss. I just started crying and having a panic attack again, I got a bad migraine eventually from all the stress and crying. I asked if I could borrow a smartphone or a computer or a book on health laws so I can read my rights because I know this makes no sense, but I don't know all the laws in my head so I want to read it now and to be informed so I can refer to it. They said there was no smartphones and no computers available and that they somehow didn't have any legal books on health and medicine laws. I asked what happens if I hypotethically leave and try to go home, they told me they'd have to call the cops on me then and in worst case scenario put me in belts. I felt like I was in a living nightmare when I heard this. I asked if I could call a lawyer or see a hospital priest so that I could get some help in this situation and I wasn't allowed neither.
I felt like I was being punished and isolated against my will. I felt like a prisoner. I felt like I just lost all my freedom and my human rights. I really struggled with all of this. I didn't understand why I was being punished and robbed of my rights and freedom when I had done nothing and the staff agreed. I had not been violent, I had not been threatening, I had not been irrational, I was not a danger to anyone nor myself, I had been friendly, reflective, well-spoken and cooperative the entire time I was there and the only thing I had done was ask for help when I was in a irration bad headspace while being black out drunk, which did no longer apply as I was sobering up. I had no signs of a psychosis and I've never had any. I don't have any of the mental illnesses that you can legally hold someone back from leaving for. I just have my C-PTSD and depression.
I felt like it was a sad joke that some person I don't know who's never interacted with me could decide something like that and play God. The entire night staff which consisted of several nurses and a normal doctor informed me that they felt that this was a wrong decision on the end of this one unit head doctor. They made a report against the doctor and sent it to the heads of the hospital and to some legal mental health board because they felt that the doctor was breaking several laws and that he's defeating the whole meaning and purpose behind «volunteeringly hospitalized». If you can keep a normal person by force who's there volunteeringly and they cannot leave whenever the want to, what's the point of having a system where you can «volunteer» then, one nurse said. There's no real volunteering then if you can be held back without consent over nothing for no reason. You can keep someone back by force and forcably hospitalize someone against their will, but the law says that the reason behind that must be very good and the doctor must be able to defend it. The patient also has the right to share their views before that decision is made and the doctor also have to examine the patient in person, none of this happened in my case.
I told them that if this doctor would have bothered to read my health journal and files he would have seen that I have a long history of being socially isolated and being in isolation in small rooms against my will. I told them that keeping me here when I'm not suicidal anymore and when I have this history, you are retraumatizing me and you are making me feel suicidal again by doing this. I would feel a lot better if I was allowed to go home again. I was triggered and I had a lot of flashbacks to moment before when I've been isolated as both a kid and as an adult. It felt so unbearable. The negatives of keeping me there largely outweighted the «positives» legally and medically, which made it even more bizzare that a unknown doctor chose to do this and to give me lasting negative effects on my mental health when I already struggle so much with trauma related to this very same thing. I was corona isolated on 0 legal and 0 medical basis as I had 7 negative corona tests and 0 positive ones, bed bound, bound to a small room, and kept against my will in the hospital in this town which is connected to the emergency room and the mental hospital, 2 years ago for 16 days when I had 2 broken ankles and I was waiting on ankle surgery which ended up being malpractice and which ultimately fucked my ankle so I was wheelchair bound for 1 year after that surgery and that hospitalization as a result. I thought to myself no way, there's no way that this is happening again. Not another crazy fucking doctor who's going to ruin my life at the same hospital. I can't believe it's happening again. I can't believe there's another possibly psychopathic doctor who has my life in his hands and who wants to see people suffer and who thrives off of punishing people.
I walked around looking for ways to kill myself in the room when I was told I'm being kept there against my will and they had no reason to back the decision up with, but I couldn't find anything. At some point I considered for a minute to swallow a bunch of soap or something because that was the only thing I could find that could maybe make me end things or to hurt myself with to get out of there and to be sent back to emergency room which is easy to walk out off and go home from because the doors arent locked. My worst nightmare was to be stuck in isolation in a small room with no rights. I wasn't allowed to leave the room, I wasn't allowed to go for a hike with a nurse, I couldn't really call anyone other than my brothers who are my emergency contacts within this country which wouldn't pick up. I asked if this phone could send texts and they said no. I tried sending texts anyways and I can confirm it didn't work. I tried calling my own number eventually and I was instantly sent to voicemail. It made my anxiety and stress so much worse because my phone never dies, I was convinced I had lost the phone or that it had gotten stolen at that point. I don't leave the house without my phone because of my PTSD.
I told the nighttime doctor and one of the nurses that you will be fucking with my life so badly by keeping me here. There's so many people that rely on me and that needs me and they can't reach me and I can't reach them because I don't have their number in my head and I don't remember their email address. You potentionally will effect, damage and maybe even ruin some of my relations that I've worked my ass off to repair and maintain. It broke me to think about that I might have ruined those relations now all because I got kept in a hospital for longer than I wanted to and on false terms and conditions and when I was lied to. The longer I'm here, the worse it will be for me. I felt so anxious and stressed about my mom, she needs help from me often during the night because of all the alcohol and drugs she consume, it gets her into bad and violent situations and she sometimes end up in places she's never been and don't know how to get home or where she is. I felt so stressed about the people I care about because they arent doing well and they are suicidal themselves. I felt like I was letting everyone down. This is such a difficult time of the year and statistically the suicide rate is the highest around Christmas time. I was terrified of anyone I know killing themselves while I was hospitalized and out of reach for them. Most of my friends and family know I'm suicidal and that I've struggled with this since I was 11, I'm now in my mid-20s. I was scared that since nobody can reach me and since my phone is off, that everyone will worry that I did end my life or that I suddenly went missing. I felt so much guilt over possibly having made others worry about me when nobody had to. I had appointments and meetings in the morning that I had to attend to to help others that need me. I had to miss out on all of them which is very upsetting to me. I don't miss appointments.
I was worried that being out of reach and having my phone be turned off, would give some of the people who abandoned me last Christmas, a reason to abandon me again now and to block me. I was really scared of that. I feel so alone right now, I don't want to fully lose anyone again on top of that.
I spent the next 3 hours crying so much and I kept double checking in my pockets for my phone over and over. I could still not find anything other than my keys, wallet and some makeup. I know this sounds really stupid and I don't want to tell this to anyone I know in real life because of shame, fear, disapointment and judgement because I know that they think this is wrong of me. But the only thing that kept me motivated, patient and going in that small room was my keychain. My ex put a heart lock on it a year ago and I've kept it since I'm a sentimental person and I'm not often given things so I cherish the few things I do get from people. I just kept fiddling with it the entire time as it was the only physical object I had with me that could remind me of positive memories and places. At the same time I was worried and stressed about him since he also feels suicidal and Christmas is a painful time of the year for him too. I was worried about my moms well-being, and my other suicidal friends as well. I just wanted to know if everyone was alright.
Out of irrationality and fear of being locked up over an extended time/days without my consent, I almost asked for them to call my dad during the night. I haven't spoken to him verbally since I was 11. I can't really talk to him or have any relations with him because hes still married to the woman who sexually abused me as a kid. But I really missed him and I felt so alone, helpless and scared. He's the only other person I know who has a lot of knowledge about healthcare laws so that's why I was strongly considering it. But I ultimately decided that I shouldn't talk to him and that it will bring up a lot of PTSD because of his wife still being in the picture and that I was being irrational because my brothers were asleep and not picking up the hospital calls.
At 06.00 in the morning, one nurse went out of his way to print out every single healthcare law for me and he also highlighted with a yellow highlight pen all the laws that the doctor broke. I found several more laws that he clearly had broken when I read all of it. But in total the nurses found 3-4 main laws that they could 100% say that he broke and did not follow. I wasnt allowed a pen or a pencil so I used my eyeshadow kit to highlight the additional laws that he broke or that were questionably not followed. It took a couple hours to read it all. They encouraged me and wanted me to also make my own report and to report him myself too. I said I don't want to. Justice means nothing to me and I've never had justice in my life. It's meaningless. It won't give me back the 7 hours of freedom that I lost in which I was isolated or remove the flashbacks and trauma that this has unnessescarily caused me. I just wanted to go home, check up on everyone that matter to me and to regain my freedom. I refused to sleep, eat or drink water until I was let back home.
After I finished reading all the laws, the sun was rising and I knew the clock must have been 08 or 09 then here at this time of the year. The nighttime staff left at 07. I left the room since I was told that I can walk around in the unit when the daytime staff has arrived. I found a nurse who was laying on a sofa watching TV what time it was and she said it was 09.00. I asked again if I could contact a lawyer or see a hospital priest since it's day time, the nurse didn't really want to help me and she seemed to just want to watch TV in peace so I gave up. I found a chair and placed it near the exit door of the building to wait for the unit head doctors to arrive. They would arrive at 09.30 I was told. I didn't want to get ignored or be forgotten. I wanted to go home as soon as possible. Some other nurse walked past me and realised he didn't know me. He presented himself to me and said he'd heard about me and the night. I said I want to go home and he started going on about morality and some weird stuff about how sometimes it's for the best to keep people by force for no reason and unjustified. I was like what the fuck is this guy talking about and why is he talking about this to me. None of this applies to me. I just want to go home and check in on the people I care and worry about.
He then went on about how they care about me and how they take me seriously and want the best for me and that's why it's fine to keep me there without my consent. I said you clearly don't care about what's best for me when you are choosing to willingly and for no reason retraumatize me and to induce a lot of flashbacks in me when it's not nessescary. He kept wanting to argue with me for some reason and wouldn't stop. I said I wanna go home again, I kept repeating it and he said well, maybe it's best that you stay for a couple days or a week. I was like what is wrong with you, I don't want to spend all of Christmas in this hellhole. Christmas is already bad as it is, I don't need this to be associated with it and to make it even worse. I asked him if I can see a hospital priest and he said why, I said I want to talk to someone, and he said oh, aren't I good enough to talk to? Like jesus, just leave me alone and let me speak to someone else. Ultimately I was never allowed to see a priest nor a lawyer.
The unit head doctors finally arrived and I got to speak to the doctor who had been keeping me there by force and I got to meet him for the first time. Within 5 minutes of the conversation I was told that yeah, there's no reason to keep you here, that I'm too sane, aware, rational, well-reflected and well spoken and I was told I'm allowed to leave and that this was not the right place for me to be in. I've learned that any alcohol with high % is not for me and I will be going back to avoiding that the way I have been for the past 2 years. This hospital experience was not worth it and I don't want to ever go through this again unless I'm sober and in control of the situation with a phone in my pocket. During the entire talk with the doctor I was fiddling with that heart lock again. I was so stressed out and tierd. They ordered a taxi for me and on the way to the entrance to the mental unit, I saw a computer room with 5 computers so I was lied to when they told me there's no computers I can use to look up my rights and to contact anyone.
The taxi home was the slowest drive I've ever been in, the guy was driving way below the speed limit the entire time. I was starting to get worried that I'll never make it home. He didn't understand where my house was and had some issues communicating with me, I just told him to stop a bit away from my apartment and ran to the apartment from there as he was driving the wrong way. It was cold and windy. I found my phone on the floor inside my apartment, dead so I had to charge it. I had a few unread messages but it was all sent to me within an hour before I got back home so it settled my anxiety and worries quite a bit.
I'm scared of telling most people about what happened and I think I don't want to. I'll keep pretending to be strong and that I'm happy and positive. I just want this Christmas to be as bearable as possible. It's going to be painful, tough and difficult due to my anxiety and PTSD, I just don't want Christmas and the rest of December to be any worse than it already is. I don't want to lose anyone today, tomorrow, this next week. I don't want to be abandoned again or to be ignored again.
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