Venting Waiting for answers sucks

[NoPoint2Life]

I'm 44, and an only child. and just a few minutes ago, replied in a thread where I said I wouldn't have a clue where to begin when my parents die. My dad is healthy but mom has a shit load of health issues that keep her housebound with absolutely no quality of life.

When I first got suicidal ideation, I always imagined CTB after they died. As it's gotten worse in the last few years and I wonder how the hell I have gotten this old, I've tried a couple of stupid ways to CTB so they are aware of my mental state.

Now she has two very suspicious lumps in her breast. They can't get her in for the tests she needs until December 11. Of course me being miss negativity, is fearing the worst. The fact that we have to go through Thanksgiving and her birthday next week really sucks. And I just have more time to get anxious.

Part of what scares me the most is she has so many health problems, I always assumed she would die from something related to that. It never even occurred to me that she could get cancer and have to go through a horrific death where I would have to help her immensely. I already help take care of her and whenever something happens that makes her situation worse and I really have to help out, I suck at it so bad.

Yesterday someone sent some old pictures of me as a child with my mom and it made me really sad to see her look young and healthy.

I guess I'm just venting because I don't have many people to talk to anyway and we are keeping things quiet from family members for now. And it's one of those things that make me realize yet again that there is no point of life going through all we do just to suffer more when we are old.

Thanks to anyone who read this.

 

[dqngerous]

my mom got breast cancer when i was 7 and died when i was 12, it's not something i would wish on anyone. i'm so sorry you're going through this. i hope they're just benign lumps.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Denefently, health problems can get chalenging while getting older- there has to be some sort of preparation while it happens.

In the future there's perhaps better chance to build smart homes, with some artificial platform they can also control manually. Then you also need self-driving car and that sorta.

Hope you can take it easy during the holidays and just spend time with your family and so...

 

[SVEN]

Sorry for what you are enduring.

 

[Pryras]

Would your dad take care of her if you were gone? It's kind of you to take care of your mother during her health struggles. I'm lucky in some sense that I have an identical twin who will take over my animals and will most likely help my mother when I die. Are you holding on for her?

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Would your dad take care of her if you were gone? It's kind of you to take care of your mother during her health struggles. I'm lucky in some sense that I have an identical twin who will take over my animals and will most likely help my mother when I die. Are you holding on for her?

I honestly don't know if I will ever try to CTB again. Tried once, wound up in hospital so everyone knows about my mental health. So it's like I get more scared as time goes on. I can't say I'm holding on just for her. I am holding on because I have no way to do it and because I do admit the timing is getting really bad.

My dad will already be helping taking care of her. We have learned from past surgeries that he is actually really good with the disgusting and painful stuff so he would handle any of that.

Having an identical twin must make it harder for you in some ways. I've always heard that there's such a connection between them.