Venting Waiting for metoclopramide, propranolol and clonazepam to come

[LunarLight]

Today I got my SN. I ordered propranolol and metoclopramide from an overseas pharmacy, and clonazepam on the DN.
I could leave today. 30g of SN in 60ml of water (I'm a fat bitch).
But I want to make it peaceful and make sure I won't throw up too much.

My partner suggested to buy vitamins for me, this one especially:

L-Methylfolate as a Monotherapy for Treatment-Resistant Depression

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7572139/ Just learned about it. After a quick research, I noticed it's barely tackled on the forum. It's never been offered as a therapy by any psychiatrist I've seen either. "after years of searching for an effective treatment and "doing everything...

sanctioned-suicide.net

But idk, I don't really believe VITAMINS will magically cure me.

The thing is, I lost hope.

Next week my partner is on vacation. We're gonna do stuff we never do, like, go out.
I'm gonna spend my last days with them. I'll try to enjoy them as much as I can.
Even if I'm pathologically unable to enjoy things.

Tonight we ate some burgers in a fast food restaurant and I was crying so much my partner couldn't finish their burger.
They want me alive so bad. Poor baby. I'm so sorry. All I do is dragging them down.
I'm sure they eventually will be better off with someone else. Someone who can enjoy things. Do things. Make them dream. Instead of worrying them so bad.
Sure, it'll take time. But the thing is, they have time. They're 26. The sooner I CTB, the sooner they'll heal. Time makes things only worse.

I'm a trans woman and I hardly pass. People in the streets keep giving me black looks. I'm so sick of it. A man looked me in the eyes for ten seconds when I left the bar and I swear I saw such violence in his eyes I ran for my life.
Nobody takes me seriously, not even so-called "queer people". I'm not even a "man in a dress": I don't wear dresses, I wish I could, but I'm so afraid of being assaulted. I live in constant fear for my life. And I just look ridiculous. Nobody respects me.
Maybe they're right, after all. Maybe I'm just mentally ill and deserve to die because I've wished I was pretty girl in a dress since I was 6. Maybe that's what I am. A degenerate. Maybe the earth will be better off when I take care of it by myself. No need to put me in a camp. I'll join the 41% club and be laughed at by so many people. "Was/were" as they say.
I'd rather be laughed at than cried over. Please don't be sad, baby. I'm not worthy of it. Please move on, find someone else, someone who will make you happy. Because I can't. I simply can't.

I fucking hate my life. It's over.

Hopefully, one last week. Good memories for our last times together. I hope they'll forget them soon enough though, I don't want them to hurt.
I just wish I could disappear, fall into oblivion and be totally forgotten.

I feel like a fucking clown. My life was already hard when I was a man, because depression, anxiety, autism, ADHD, C-PTSD are bitches. But now I'm socially dead.
I remember when I used to sing my songs in a bar in the city I used to live in before. I remember when that obnoxious bald guy, who already had made fun out loud of me and my songs, stood just next to the stage and repeated aloud while I was performing, "yeah, a chick with a dick, haha". I finished my song and said, "I will not sing there anymore". And part of the audience started booing, screaming slurs at me.
I was offering them the depths of my heart and they were screaming slurs at me.
They took music away from me. My only reason to live.
They want me fucking dead. Fair enough. They've won. They'll certainly get it.
(As I was leaving the bar, obnoxious bald guy provoked me one last time, making fun of my last song. I would have punched them in the face if I was not afraid he would file a complaint against me. So I pushed them and he fell on the ground, screaming my name, taken aback. And I left.
He was banned for six weeks and returned afterwards. The boss, who likes playing the wokest guy when he's promoting his bar, did not tell me his ban was temporary until the day before his ban expired. I never returned.)

Hopefully, it's over next week. I'll drink the magic potion, pop the security pills and pass on the other side.
I'm scared though. I'm scared of the void.
But I shouldn't be scared. I'll return to nothingness. It's like falling asleep. You don't even realize you're falling asleep.
I will just never wake up from this sleep.

"Death is nothing to us. When we exist, death is not; and when death exists, we are not. All sensation and consciousness ends with death and therefore in death there is neither pleasure nor pain."
Thanks Epicurus for helping me face death.

What a waste. I was so talented. So smart. I could have accomplished so many great things.
We only have one life, and this one is gone to waste because my brain is fucking ill.

This is so fucking wrong.

Sorry. Thanks for reading.

 

[sanitystruggle]

I'm so sorry you've had to suffer like this. I wish you all the best

 

[Zanmato]

I read this some minutes ago, I wanted to tell something, but I'm just... Speechless.
I'm sorry for what you've been through.
Truly.
You're not the one who should feel "like a clown".
Not at all.
You've been through a lot, and suffered too much.
All those people who did this to you should be the one ashamed.

Since it seems you made up your mind, I can only say that I hope you'll have at least a nice last week.
Wish you the best

 

[LunarLight]

I read this some minutes ago, I wanted to tell something, but I'm just... Speechless.
I'm sorry for what you've been through.
Truly.
You're not the one who should feel "like a clown".
Not at all.
You've been through a lot, and suffered too much.
All those people who did this to you should be the one ashamed.

Since it seems you made up your mind, I can only say that I hope you'll have at least a nice last week.
Wish you the best

Thanks a lot for your kind words.

 

[Jorms_McGander]

Today I got my SN. I ordered propranolol and metoclopramide from an overseas pharmacy, and clonazepam on the DN.
I could leave today. 30g of SN in 60ml of water (I'm a fat bitch).
But I want to make it peaceful and make sure I won't throw up too much.

My partner suggested to buy vitamins for me, this one especially:

L-Methylfolate as a Monotherapy for Treatment-Resistant Depression

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7572139/ Just learned about it. After a quick research, I noticed it's barely tackled on the forum. It's never been offered as a therapy by any psychiatrist I've seen either. "after years of searching for an effective treatment and "doing everything...

sanctioned-suicide.net

But idk, I don't really believe VITAMINS will magically cure me.

The thing is, I lost hope.

Next week my partner is on vacation. We're gonna do stuff we never do, like, go out.
I'm gonna spend my last days with them. I'll try to enjoy them as much as I can.
Even if I'm pathologically unable to enjoy things.

Tonight we ate some burgers in a fast food restaurant and I was crying so much my partner couldn't finish their burger.
They want me alive so bad. Poor baby. I'm so sorry. All I do is dragging them down.
I'm sure they eventually will be better off with someone else. Someone who can enjoy things. Do things. Make them dream. Instead of worrying them so bad.
Sure, it'll take time. But the thing is, they have time. They're 26. The sooner I CTB, the sooner they'll heal. Time makes things only worse.

I'm a trans woman and I hardly pass. People in the streets keep giving me black looks. I'm so sick of it. A man looked me in the eyes for ten seconds when I left the bar and I swear I saw such violence in his eyes I ran for my life.
Nobody takes me seriously, not even so-called "queer people". I'm not even a "man in a dress": I don't wear dresses, I wish I could, but I'm so afraid of being assaulted. I live in constant fear for my life. And I just look ridiculous. Nobody respects me.
Maybe they're right, after all. Maybe I'm just mentally ill and deserve to die because I've wished I was pretty girl in a dress since I was 6. Maybe that's what I am. A degenerate. Maybe the earth will be better off when I take care of it by myself. No need to put me in a camp. I'll join the 41% club and be laughed at by so many people. "Was/were" as they say.
I'd rather be laughed at than cried over. Please don't be sad, baby. I'm not worthy of it. Please move on, find someone else, someone who will make you happy. Because I can't. I simply can't.

I fucking hate my life. It's over.

Hopefully, one last week. Good memories for our last times together. I hope they'll forget them soon enough though, I don't want them to hurt.
I just wish I could disappear, fall into oblivion and be totally forgotten.

I feel like a fucking clown. My life was already hard when I was a man, because depression, anxiety, autism, ADHD, C-PTSD are bitches. But now I'm socially dead.
I remember when I used to sing my songs in a bar in the city I used to live in before. I remember when that obnoxious bald guy, who already had made fun out loud of me and my songs, stood just next to the stage and repeated aloud while I was performing, "yeah, a chick with a dick, haha". I finished my song and said, "I will not sing there anymore". And part of the audience started booing, screaming slurs at me.
I was offering them the depths of my heart and they were screaming slurs at me.
They took music away from me. My only reason to live.
They want me fucking dead. Fair enough. They've won. They'll certainly get it.
(As I was leaving the bar, obnoxious bald guy provoked me one last time, making fun of my last song. I would have punched them in the face if I was not afraid he would file a complaint against me. So I pushed them and he fell on the ground, screaming my name, taken aback. And I left.
He was banned for six weeks and returned afterwards. The boss, who likes playing the wokest guy when he's promoting his bar, did not tell me his ban was temporary until the day before his ban expired. I never returned.)

Hopefully, it's over next week. I'll drink the magic potion, pop the security pills and pass on the other side.
I'm scared though. I'm scared of the void.
But I shouldn't be scared. I'll return to nothingness. It's like falling asleep. You don't even realize you're falling asleep.
I will just never wake up from this sleep.

"Death is nothing to us. When we exist, death is not; and when death exists, we are not. All sensation and consciousness ends with death and therefore in death there is neither pleasure nor pain."
Thanks Epicurus for helping me face death.

What a waste. I was so talented. So smart. I could have accomplished so many great things.
We only have one life, and this one is gone to waste because my brain is fucking ill.

This is so fucking wrong.

Sorry. Thanks for reading.

Fuck the waste. Humanity, or at least your section of it, wasn't able to accept you. I think the world will be worse off without you, and it's not my decision to make. I certainly understand wanting to leave a world which seems determined to misunderstand your very nature. I hope you can grieve yourself a little in your last days, and don't forget to be mindful of upcoming happy moments. Those memories will come in handy for your partner moving forward

 

[mellie5]

I hope you will feel better soon. However just consider one thing - the partner may be right. There really *is* depression made worse or caused by a lack of vitamins and it "magically" goes away after a few days of treatment.

You sound as if you are in a very complicated situation, but not to sound silly, also bcs I have no idea about your location and what is available, but did you try actual psychotherapy? I mean the real heavy one, once a week of chat and a second doctor for prescriptions.

And ofc a blood test before just in case it is a something deficiency or organic bcs you never know.

 

[LunarLight]

I hope you will feel better soon. However just consider one thing - the partner may be right. There really *is* depression made worse or caused by a lack of vitamins and it "magically" goes away after a few days of treatment.

You sound as if you are in a very complicated situation, but not to sound silly, also bcs I have no idea about your location and what is available, but did you try actual psychotherapy? I mean the real heavy one, once a week of chat and a second doctor for prescriptions.

And ofc a blood test before just in case it is a something deficiency or organic bcs you never know.

Yeah, I ordered some L-methylfolate on Amazon, it's supposed to arrive in my mail tomorrow. I tried tDCS too, nothing happened. I don't have many options left - maybe ECT but it's hard to get where I live.

Yeah of course I tried psychotherapy. Never worked. Stopped it all at once and was all the same.

Blood tests I have made plenty of as I'm transgender, I just have a lack of vitamin D (like 90% of the Western population) and my liver is sick.

 

[unabletocope]

I would stick with the meds you have planned to get without vitamins. Good luck.

 

[LunarLight]

I would stick with the meds you have planned to get without vitamins. Good luck.

I don't want to end my life without having tried everything.

 

[mellie5]

there are many types of psychotherapy, including psychoanalysis...

 

[LunarLight]

there are many types of psychotherapy, including psychoanalysis...

I tried - didn't work.

 

[MountainMan99]

Hey... i just saw this post now..

Are you still with us? Are you still planming on ctb? Or are you doing better?

Can i ask you something? How can i get meto from a online pharmacy without prescription? I already got SN, but the meto is hard... and i'd prefer to avoid going to my doctor.

 

[LunarLight]

Hey... i just saw this post now..

Are you still with us? Are you still planming on ctb? Or are you doing better?

Can i ask you something? How can i get meto from a online pharmacy without prescription? I already got SN, but the meto is hard... and i'd prefer to avoid going to my doctor.

I'm still with you guys. I postponed my CTB because I started feeling slightly better thanks to L-Methylfolate, a dietary supplement which is effective on depression, but now I feel like CTBing again every other day - still not enough to take the leap though.

I'll DM you a source.

 

[Iris Blue]

I'm so sorry you have been going through so much hell. I'm glad you got to do something fun before you plan to go. From what I read I'm not sure if your partner is aware of you wanting to CTB or just knows you've been having a really hard time lately but either way I understand the pain and difficulty. On one hand I'd love to have someone close who I care about be aware of me wanting to end it and support me (to the best of their ability) where they wouldn't want to stop me. But I also couldn't imagine how hard it would be for them to go through that. However, it feels almost worse to keep it all inside without telling anyone and when you get emotional or are hurting so much inside everyone may just think you just are having a hard day when it's so much more than that.

I can't imagine the struggles that you have to go through on a daily basis because of the hate people have for anyone who is different. You should be able to be a trans woman without having to be looking behind your back every second fearing for your own safety just living your life. The way people can be sometimes makes this world not a place worth saving. And it's absolutely awful how they treated you and made you hate something you loved so much and what helped you through bad times. Maybe you and your partner could have at home karaoke nights cause fuck the haters! It made me emotional reading how you were reminiscing on how things were different before. It's unfortunate how it only seemed so much easier when you were someone you didn't feel like was the real you. Although I cannot relate, I also understand looking back at my innocence and naivety when I was younger. And even though I wasn't exactly happy, things seemed so much simpler and still better than they are now.

If you don't mind me asking about the pharmacy, was it fairly easy to order? I've been looking for a while to get some keto and anything else I may need for my SN permanent vacation but a lot of the websites require video calls or a bunch of other things. I'm also worried if I were to order meto if they ship it to my current pharmacy (I'm currently prescribed to seroquel which is a big nono with meto and I'd be afraid the pharmacist would notice the two and refuse to give me it I did go cold turkey on my seroquel a bit over a week ago to be able to take meto without as much of the risks along with a few other reasons). I'm located in the US

All in all, I hope things are going a bit better whenever you are and I truly am sorry for how evil people can be it isn't fair at all.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

I'm so sorry you have been going through so much hell. I'm glad you got to do something fun before you plan to go. From what I read I'm not sure if your partner is aware of you wanting to CTB or just knows you've been having a really hard time lately but either way I understand the pain and difficulty. On one hand I'd love to have someone close who I care about be aware of me wanting to end it and support me (to the best of their ability) where they wouldn't want to stop me. But I also couldn't imagine how hard it would be for them to go through that. However, it feels almost worse to keep it all inside without telling anyone and when you get emotional or are hurting so much inside everyone may just think you just are having a hard day when it's so much more than that.

I can't imagine the struggles that you have to go through on a daily basis because of the hate people have for anyone who is different. You should be able to be a trans woman without having to be looking behind your back every second fearing for your own safety just living your life. The way people can be sometimes makes this world not a place worth saving. And it's absolutely awful how they treated you and made you hate something you loved so much and what helped you through bad times. Maybe you and your partner could have at home karaoke nights cause fuck the haters! It made me emotional reading how you were reminiscing on how things were different before. It's unfortunate how it only seemed so much easier when you were someone you didn't feel like was the real you. Although I cannot relate, I also understand looking back at my innocence and naivety when I was younger. And even though I wasn't exactly happy, things seemed so much simpler and still better than they are now.

If you don't mind me asking about the pharmacy, was it fairly easy to order? I've been looking for a while to get some keto and anything else I may need for my SN permanent vacation but a lot of the websites require video calls or a bunch of other things. I'm also worried if I were to order meto if they ship it to my current pharmacy (I'm currently prescribed to seroquel which is a big nono with meto and I'd be afraid the pharmacist would notice the two and refuse to give me it I did go cold turkey on my seroquel a bit over a week ago to be able to take meto without as much of the risks along with a few other reasons).

All in all, I hope things are going a bit better whenever you are and I truly am sorry for how evil people can be it isn't fair at all.

They're still here

 

[LunarLight]

From what I read I'm not sure if your partner is aware of you wanting to CTB or just knows you've been having a really hard time lately but either way I understand the pain and difficulty

My partner is aware of me wanting to CTB and of course they're against it (and I understand). But I've postponed it till further notice as my current medication helps me a bit fight my suicidal urges.

As for the rest, thanks for your kind words.

If you don't mind me asking about the pharmacy, was it fairly easy to order?

Yes, it was really easy to order, it was an Indian online pharmacy which didn't ask for any kind of prescription and shipped it directly to my mailbox.