Want to die, worried about impact on my children

[Givingupandgivingin]

I'm absolutely worn down.

I'm married. I'm gay. I told my husband I was gay when I realised (compulsory heterosexuality did a number on me) and he made me have more sex. This is ongoing. He's very angry with me and it's been five years. Every time we have sex I want to die more.

No one is supportive of my sexuality. I have two kids. I just don't want to carry on. I can't see any good options from this point forwards. My kids are good kids and are doing well. I know it is selfish to kill myself but I'm so tired of feeling afraid in my own home and guilty and ashamed about my sexuality, which is how my husband makes me feel.

I had a close friend in a similar position to me and she died of terminal cancer in July. A massive part of me envies her and she was also not sad to die. Four weeks from diagnosis to death. What a dream.

I have a method. I know where I'd do it.
How do I get over that last hope that things might get better when they absolutely won't unless someone can magic me straight? Just to be clear, I only have issue with myself being gay because of the hurt and damage it is causing my family. If I'd realised before I got married and had kids I think I'd feel differently.
Sex isn't going to improve. It will always feel like a violation.
I have no real friends. I have no supportive extended family. I have very angry and bitter husband and two great kids.

How do I push through that last bit of hope acceptance? I'm done.

 

[Sulyya]

Can you make it until they're adults?

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

Can you make it until they're adults?

No.
That is another 10 years.
I am hopeful that at some point even if I take no action then my body will step in anyway.

My bmi is 18 and I'm not eating and I'm losing weight. I constantly feel tired and my heart is too fast. I am burning myself. At some point surely nature will kick in and I'll die of something anyway. I got called back for a biopsy two years ago after a smear test and I've not gone back so I'm hoping that I'll just die at some point.
Maybe it would be less traumatic for my kids if it were a 'natural' death.

 

[Sulyya]

Not sure what you've tried..I wish I had the life experience to help more. Therapy, couples or solo where you can explain the situation with someone who has maybe encountered this could possibly help to find an easier path.

Or maybe something like an open marriage, which will carry other risks but maybe leave you both more satisfied as long as it doesn't come into the home.

I hope you find a solution. I'm also worried about the impact of suicide on children.

 

[d3ad]

I'm absolutely worn down.

I'm married. I'm gay. I told my husband I was gay when I realised (compulsory heterosexuality did a number on me) and he made me have more sex. This is ongoing. He's very angry with me and it's been five years. Every time we have sex I want to die more.

No one is supportive of my sexuality. I have two kids. I just don't want to carry on. I can't see any good options from this point forwards. My kids are good kids and are doing well. I know it is selfish to kill myself but I'm so tired of feeling afraid in my own home and guilty and ashamed about my sexuality, which is how my husband makes me feel.

I had a close friend in a similar position to me and she died of terminal cancer in July. A massive part of me envies her and she was also not sad to die. Four weeks from diagnosis to death. What a dream.

I have a method. I know where I'd do it.
How do I get over that last hope that things might get better when they absolutely won't unless someone can magic me straight? Just to be clear, I only have issue with myself being gay because of the hurt and damage it is causing my family. If I'd realised before I got married and had kids I think I'd feel differently.
Sex isn't going to improve. It will always feel like a violation.
I have no real friends. I have no supportive extended family. I have very angry and bitter husband and two great kids.

How do I push through that last bit of hope acceptance? I'm done.

Gosh, I am so sorry. This is such a horrible situation to be in. I really hope that you get relief and your pain is alleviated.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

My husband says I have sex with him or we split up and it'll all be my fault.
Those are my 'options.'
I don't want to live anymore. I would like there to be something to make me feel differently but I've struggled for half a decade with this now.
I just want it to stop. If I could stop it without dying I would but I can't.

 

[Randy Savage]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. As a queer person who's also been pushed by society into heteronormativity, your story absolutely breaks my heart.
I can't discern exactly what type of support you are looking for, but here's my two cents:
You have something to live for, period. This life is yours to live, and I want you to sincerely think about what are leaving behind, regardless of your actual choice. I don't know you so I can't say for sure but your messages give me the impression you are a kind, genuine, and misunderstood person who doesn't deserve death.
If you choose life, I would suggest divorcing your husband. It will be hard, but a marriage between two people should never inspire feelings of shame and sadness such as it has in yours.
I truly wish you the best. This is a truly tough situation that nobody should ever be forced to go through. Don't feel selfish if you make the difficult choice, but also don't forget how much you have to live for and the options you have to change your situation in life.

 

[d3ad]

My husband says I have sex with him or we split up and it'll all be my fault.
Those are my 'options.'
I don't want to live anymore. I would like there to be something to make me feel differently but I've struggled for half a decade with this now.
I just want it to stop. If I could stop it without dying I would but I can't.

That is sexual coercion. I am so sorry that you have to deal with such a horrific situation. It is understandable why you feel like that. You deserve to be safe, and to live a life without pain and suffering.

 

[IWishIWasAFlower]

I'm sorry for you , Maybe a stupid question but why can't you leave him?

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I can't afford to. I stupidly gave up work for a while when I had the children. I'm back now but I don't earn anywhere near what my husband does.
My parents disapprove of me being gay. I'm an only child and I half thought when they weren't around anymore maybe that would be the time to leave and come out - also because they have always said they would leave me a fairly sizeable amount of money (I know it's theirs and no guarantees, I don't mean to come across as entitled or callous) but they've since taken me out of their will when I told them I was gay. Everything will go to my children instead.

 

[IWishIWasAFlower]

Thats fucked up. Two things come to my mind, first you seem to be a very considerate person, so im sure your kids will miss you terribly. That said i dont want to guilt trip you into anything! Second thought is, you know what you want. You want to be free, live your sexuality and be around your kids. Its easily said from the outside, but maybe its worth the risk of leaving him, working + childsupport so you and your family are fine and try to make it work.
Wishing you the best

 

[NoPointOfReturning]

If you do plan to go through with it, leave some memorabilia for your kids. I hope you get through this, i'm rooting for you! <3

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

Thank you.
Everyone is very kind.

When I do take my own life it will be ok to post on here until I'm gone?
I don't know how long it will take, maybe minutes. It's scary. I'd like to feel less alone.

 

[willitpass]

There are many organizations, at least in the US, that can help you find better paying jobs, places to stay, child care, legal support, etc. when leaving a toxic marriage. Many offer therapy as well to help you emotionally. To leave your children, as I'm sure you know, is something they will never recover from. I think the best option would be to link up with resources to allow you to leave your husband and get back on your feet for the sake of your children. You absolutely shouldn't have to stay with him but I really think it's so so important for your children for you to do everything you can to stay with them.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I don't know. I read stuff that said kids handle bereavement better than divorce. At least it's done. Divorce - the constant back and forth and I know it wouldn't be amicable - he may well introduce a new woman and step siblings (I would never do this, in my experience blended families don't work). I mean I guess he could do that when I'm dead anyway but at least my kids will be there full time. They'll have one home.

It's all my fault. If I could just make myself be straight or at least able to tolerate the sex it would maybe be ok. I know it doesn't work like that but that's what I want. I want to be able to stay and tolerate it and I can't.
So I feel like my only option is death.

 

[Edistrying]

im so sorry for this situation. i know that you think you can't leave your husband but i really think that you should try, even if you have to pass hungry some days, find a job only to get food, even if still feel guilty and its goes bad, you could do it then

 

[IWishIWasAFlower]

I don't know. I read stuff that said kids handle bereavement better than divorce. At least it's done. Divorce - the constant back and forth and I know it wouldn't be amicable - he may well introduce a new woman and step siblings (I would never do this, in my experience blended families don't work). I mean I guess he could do that when I'm dead anyway but at least my kids will be there full time. They'll have one home.

Thats a silly thought. Your kids would like you to be around, even divorced, over you not being around at all a thousand times over.

It's all my fault. If I could just make myself be straight or at least able to tolerate the sex it would maybe be ok. I know it doesn't work like that but that's what I want. I want to be able to stay and tolerate it and I can't.
So I feel like my only option is death.

This hurts to read. Your sexuality is not your fault, its not a fault at all it just is what it is! as @willitpass said, depending on where you are from you have many options to change your life if you choose to.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

My husband will present it as being my fault to my children.
He is understandably angry with me.

My children would prefer to have two parents, together. That would be the best thing for them. If I can't do that then I think it's better I'm not around anymore.

 

[willitpass]

I know people who lost a parent to suicide. None of them are okay. I know many, many people (myself included) who have divorced parents. Many are just fine. I know you're struggling horribly, and I'm so sorry. But please, for the sake of your children, try to find yourself a better situation and work to get better before deciding to put them through an unimaginable loss.

 

[IWishIWasAFlower]

My husband will present it as being my fault to my children.
He is understandably angry with me.

My children would prefer to have two parents, together. That would be the best thing for them. If I can't do that then I think it's better I'm not around anymore.

Hes an inconsiderate asshole if hes forcing you to have sex with him even tho you hate it. Who cares about his opinion? This is about you and your wellbeeing as well as your kids.
Think about yourself and your kids first. I think they need you way more than a "stable, conventional" household

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

Womens Refuge. He is abusing you. There's a lot of support out there, but I don't know what country you're in.

I've been in your situation, and it will never get better. Killing yourself isn't the answer, you can have a good life. I've been there, it does get better. Once you're out of that situation and process everything, it does.

I can't tell you to leave (with your kids, naturally), but it seems that's your only option at this point. Killing yourself isn't. You may not like to hear this, but it is best to be honest, your kids are relying on you. You are their mother. They NEED you, you are responsible for them. Leave them, and you will fuck them up for life, especially leaving them with him.

Do what's right for yourself and your children. Yes, it is hard, very hard, but it will be worth it in the end.

Please be safe

I wish you the best

 

[d3ad]

Thank you.
Everyone is very kind.

When I do take my own life it will be ok to post on here until I'm gone?
I don't know how long it will take, maybe minutes. It's scary. I'd like to feel less alone.

You can post as much as you want here. Consider this a safe space. You are definitely not alone, we are here for you.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I can't edit my post for some reason, but I wanted to add:

I lost my kid to the Foster care system when child was 2, almost 3. Because the dad was abusive, I had no way out, he stalked and harassed me the entire relationship, and included his friends in this, so I tried to take my life, because I thought my child would be better off without me. He made me believe that. I didn't feel good enough, because of how he made me feel. I had no way out.

I lost my child to the system for good, because social services are BASTARDS. When you lose your child, it changes you and your mental health will NEVER be the same again, you will never be the person you was, the trauma of losing your child strips that away.

You will NEVER move on, how can you? And this is held against you by social services. For good. You are expected to be NORMAL after they take your kid. The guilt makes you want to take your life. I'm trying to wait until my child is an adult (but I am also trying not to, for my childs sake), although I have tried many, many times since (not long now - I still see my kid, but not much due to distance). I was young back then, a very traumatised kid myself, with no one to back my corner, so they got VERY lucky.

They did not believe me about my child's dad. It took YEARS for them to. Only 3 years ago they started to, yet my child had already been in the system since 2010. Evidence was there though... they chose to close their eyes. I was young. I was 15 when we met, and he groomed me. I had just turned 18 when I gave birth. No friends or family, family dysfunctional and abusive, no support etc.

Look, I don't want to make this about me, perhaps it would seem it, but I apologise. All I'm trying to say is, PLEASE DON'T DO IT.

I would give anything in the world to change what happened and to have my child with me. ANYTHING. Please don't make the same mistake. My child is really fucked up now, because of everything my child saw when my child was little, the trauma of being taken from me, and the trauma of being in the system with different SHIT foster carers. My child's dad is still the same and will never change.

PLEASE GET OUT OF THERE FOR YOUR CHILDREN'S SAKE! DO NOT BE FOOLED INTO THINKING YOUR CHILDREN DO NOT KNOW THINGS, THEY DO! I did when I was little and my mum went through things. I was 2, and still rememeber - it traumatised me for LIFE.

 

[Cinnamorolls]

I can't afford to. I stupidly gave up work for a while when I had the children. I'm back now but I don't earn anywhere near what my husband does.
My parents disapprove of me being gay. I'm an only child and I half thought when they weren't around anymore maybe that would be the time to leave and come out - also because they have always said they would leave me a fairly sizeable amount of money (I know it's theirs and no guarantees, I don't mean to come across as entitled or callous) but they've since taken me out of their will when I told them I was gay. Everything will go to my children instead.

I'm not sure which country you're in, but in the US if you divorce a partner who makes more money than you, they have to pay you alimony so that you can maintain the lifestyle you had when married. If you did not sign a prenup before marriage, you will also get half of his assets after divorce.

I would suggest reporting the rapes and threats to the police. They may not do anything about it, but then at least it will be on record so that if you do pursue a divorce, that can be brought up in court and used against him. I would be scared as hell to have children in the house with a rapist. If he's capable of such a heinous act, who knows what he might end up doing to the kids eventually?

 

[BrainShower]

My husband says I have sex with him or we split up and it'll all be my fault.
Those are my 'options.'
I don't want to live anymore. I would like there to be something to make me feel differently but I've struggled for half a decade with this now.
I just want it to stop. If I could stop it without dying I would but I can't.

So you live somewhere where divorce is not an option? Because its a pretty great option compared to depriving your children of a mother for the rest of their lives.
If it is even remotely possible it is worth consideration IMO.
Not judging here, i had a very hard time wrapping my head around it myself, but i can say i have no regrets whatsoever about it at this point.

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

I'm in the UK.
Divorce is obviously not a problem here.

But for some reason it does not feel an option for me. I don't think I am well enough or tough enough to deal with it. Ultimately I don't feel that I matter or that my 'happiness' is of any value. I don't believe if the mother is happy then the children are; children are egocentric and don't care if their parents are happy. They just want them together.

For whatever reason it's a firm belief of mine that now I've got children I don't get divorced. I've been in therapy for years and it's done nothing to shift that belief.
So for me divorce does not feel like an option - suicide does. And every time I have to have sex with my husband it feels a little closer and I feel a little more like an object,
not a human.

I just don't want to be here. It brings nothing to me.

 

[sos]

wouldn't you be able to seek help while being in this terrible situation that you're in?

kind of sounds to me as if you wanna die because of the marriage you're trapped in

while life could still be hopeful if you get to be who you are

but in order to get out of this depressing life you currently feel trapped in, you've got to have something or someone as a first step to work towards a safe position where you'd be able to get out of this marriage and live the life that you'd actually want

you haven't had the opportunity to be the true person that you actually are

if you get that opportunity, you might actually enjoy life again

sure, it does feel hopeless but that's bc you're trapped in a life that you haven't been wanting to be in for years now

 

[Givingupandgivingin]

But then I might be happier but everyone else will be much less happy and it'll be my fault. So actually I won't he happier, I'll just be filled with guilt and regret.

I guess a large part of me just doesn't want to be around to witness the upset I cause. If I leave my husband I have to deal with his upset and anger, my kids, my parents… if I'm dead I don't have to deal with any of that and they don't have to have a gay mother / daughter. Which my parents have made totally clear is unacceptable to them. I don't know how my kids would be about it either.

If I'm dead, I'm dead. It's done. No more shame for them. I'm just gone.
I feel more resolute today.

 

[willitpass]

Having worked with children and taken a good few psychology courses for my degree, I can tell you on both a professional and a personal level that children are a lot less egocentric than you think. If mom is unhappy they will pick up on it. If the marriage is unhappy, they will sense it. If mom suddenly disappears one day and no one is fully explaining to them why yet she never comes back they will experience severe behavioral and emotional problem likely well into adulthood that will take a long, long time in therapy to overcome. Children are not clueless. They are not self absorbed. They are much smarter than people give them credit for. And they want their mom more than they want an abusive marriage or being stuck with their dad who doesn't seem like the best person in the world from your description.

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm so sorry for the way your husband and parents are treating you You deserve much better than that.

I do agree with other replies that it's good to wait longer if you can. But, of course it's not that simple. I don't think it's selfish at all to be thinking about this. It's not like you asked for life to turn out this way

Have you tried contacting any domestic violence organizations? Be careful to check up on their privacy policy. I never called one, just thought about it and browsed their websites, so idk how likely they are to do things like call the cops on people. But, if it seems safe, they could have ways to help situation like yours that you never even considered. Even if not, just talking to someone might help you process your feelings and weigh your options better. A lot of orgs have online chats/text lines, if talking out loud is a problem. Just remember to delete messages/history ASAP.

Of course, it is your life, so it's your choice what to do with it. As I said, I don't think you're being selfish for being suicidal. No one should expect you to tolerate that behavior forever, everyone would reach their breaking point sooner or later.
Whatever you decide, I hope it can be handly as quickly and painlessly as possible.