banger12
Former nerd; current burden
- Aug 1, 2024
- 218
Ok nobody cares what I think and I'm sure several of these statements are going to be cliches but this is all weighing heavy on my mind and I need to express it somewhere. Plus maybe it'll help someone else to read? And idk despite how stupid I am and how hollow my thoughts are maybe there's something interesting buried in here. I don't fucking know I prob shouldn't be posting a forum thread as if this is my blog or there aren't others suffering if this is all inappropriate please someone tell me off. I'm so insecure I need to preface and qualify emotional venting lol.
I hate that I'm like this, I have never liked myself and I've always been unhappy and never thought that I was enough but I was learning to accept that and cope with it. There were things that I was also starting to feel proud of in life and I was moving in a good direction and starting to achieve things and had the opportunity to be a better me, even if I wasn't ever really going to like myself it was cool and I was excited for the future and now its gone.
The problems started late last year during late December during Winter break after my college Fall term. I got a head injury. A concussion. It was allegedly a minor one, but recovery gobbled up my whole winter break, I was given bad recovery advice by various medical professionals (which I have since learned is unfortunately very common), never felt fully normal, and after I had recovered to a considerable degree was rushed back into normal life. I never felt totally normal or like me after that but at least I felt fully recovered and healed or at least enough to be functional. Then in February some symptoms came back and likely a separate (still undiagnosed) problem emerged or made itself known, something I thought was neurological but I'm clueless on and medical professionals are disinterested in, that is possibly unrelated to the concussion whatsoever. At first it was mild and I was able to complete Winter term through March and stay on honor roll at my college despite that it was progressing and getting worse and that cognitive impairment was a symptom but by April symptoms had gotten too severe, I had an emotional meltdown in front of family and was briefly forced into a psych unit as a result, had to drop my classes (a week into Spring term0 and even quit work cuz there were physical symptoms too. I almost passed out at work. I loved school and work and they were my only sources of pride and comfort. What now? Well, I've been stuck at home useless ever since because I am literally incapable of doing what I used to (both mentally/intellectually and physically) and its made me miserable. I didn't want any of this. But despite that shitshow and subsequent chaos I tried to hold on to some hope or optimism. Even after the worsening of the condition, and then another concussion on memorial day, the deepening of my cognitive impairment, family stuff, neurologist not helping etc I've tricked myself into holding a false hope even though I recognize now that I was screwed from the moment I hit my head, that January and February aren't a normal to return to and that I should've been here then. I understand that CTB is my only option now, it probably should've been the option I committed to in January and I shouldn't have deluded myself. The month of July broke me and I can't see a way out or a possible recovery after.
I wish I could go back. Prevent the fucking head injury. I got it in a dumb way anyway and it was 100% my fault. I feel that everything changed after it in a radical way that idk how to describe. Even sensory things felt different. The way I experienced the world felt different. I was never smart but I really lost my wits. Reading made me happy, I never got as much out of a book after and the whole experience of reading felt altered. Everything. So much different. I used to be a good writer. Not anymore. A good student. Not anymore. My personality and thoughts and feelings were even different, even if slight at first. Now I'm not me anymore, and if I couldn't prevent the injury and save my life I'd at least like to feel the experience of being that me, even though ironically I didn't like him at the time either. I'm so embarrassed and resentful of the thing (as opposed to "person") that I am now. I'm sad that I disappeared from college and that none of my acquaintances (potential friends even) know what happened. And I'm sure maybe this is all petty and first world problems and maybe I deserve feelings of disgust directed at me from others for all this distress I'm in but fuck it hurts to lose the promise of a good future that would've made the past shitty decade seem worth it in the end. Instead I'm a shell of my former self that feels like shit, cant do much, is massively dumber and about to turn 22 without even having so much as an associates degree to my name when I was supposed to be a scholar with a job where I was happy nerding out about my obsessive interests one day.
Why can't I just transfer whatever is left of my lifespan to a cancer kid or something? When I CTB (if I even can) it wont generate more life or anything good or creative, nor will it even transfer, I'm just destroying my life, body and mind. It's a waste. But maybe my own ingratitude should disgust me. The cancer kid has an objectively worse ailment than me, aren't I actually lucky? But since they want life shouldn't they have the time that I will lose? Maybe being stuck like this and being forced to live a long life that I know I will hate is the punishment I deserve for being such a joke and piece of shit for 21 years now. Fuck man.
This wasn't supposed to be so long. Nobody is reading this. God damn. I just have so much I need to get out that I have only been allowed to express in the confines of my own life. It isn't even a structured exposition on what I feel. I hope I could do that one day. This is a mess. Sorry for my overt narcissism. I suck. I need to learn to stop talking about myself. Now I'm going to wallow in pain cuz I triggered my neck and back pain sat here typing so long. I am so sorry.
I hate that I'm like this, I have never liked myself and I've always been unhappy and never thought that I was enough but I was learning to accept that and cope with it. There were things that I was also starting to feel proud of in life and I was moving in a good direction and starting to achieve things and had the opportunity to be a better me, even if I wasn't ever really going to like myself it was cool and I was excited for the future and now its gone.
The problems started late last year during late December during Winter break after my college Fall term. I got a head injury. A concussion. It was allegedly a minor one, but recovery gobbled up my whole winter break, I was given bad recovery advice by various medical professionals (which I have since learned is unfortunately very common), never felt fully normal, and after I had recovered to a considerable degree was rushed back into normal life. I never felt totally normal or like me after that but at least I felt fully recovered and healed or at least enough to be functional. Then in February some symptoms came back and likely a separate (still undiagnosed) problem emerged or made itself known, something I thought was neurological but I'm clueless on and medical professionals are disinterested in, that is possibly unrelated to the concussion whatsoever. At first it was mild and I was able to complete Winter term through March and stay on honor roll at my college despite that it was progressing and getting worse and that cognitive impairment was a symptom but by April symptoms had gotten too severe, I had an emotional meltdown in front of family and was briefly forced into a psych unit as a result, had to drop my classes (a week into Spring term0 and even quit work cuz there were physical symptoms too. I almost passed out at work. I loved school and work and they were my only sources of pride and comfort. What now? Well, I've been stuck at home useless ever since because I am literally incapable of doing what I used to (both mentally/intellectually and physically) and its made me miserable. I didn't want any of this. But despite that shitshow and subsequent chaos I tried to hold on to some hope or optimism. Even after the worsening of the condition, and then another concussion on memorial day, the deepening of my cognitive impairment, family stuff, neurologist not helping etc I've tricked myself into holding a false hope even though I recognize now that I was screwed from the moment I hit my head, that January and February aren't a normal to return to and that I should've been here then. I understand that CTB is my only option now, it probably should've been the option I committed to in January and I shouldn't have deluded myself. The month of July broke me and I can't see a way out or a possible recovery after.
I wish I could go back. Prevent the fucking head injury. I got it in a dumb way anyway and it was 100% my fault. I feel that everything changed after it in a radical way that idk how to describe. Even sensory things felt different. The way I experienced the world felt different. I was never smart but I really lost my wits. Reading made me happy, I never got as much out of a book after and the whole experience of reading felt altered. Everything. So much different. I used to be a good writer. Not anymore. A good student. Not anymore. My personality and thoughts and feelings were even different, even if slight at first. Now I'm not me anymore, and if I couldn't prevent the injury and save my life I'd at least like to feel the experience of being that me, even though ironically I didn't like him at the time either. I'm so embarrassed and resentful of the thing (as opposed to "person") that I am now. I'm sad that I disappeared from college and that none of my acquaintances (potential friends even) know what happened. And I'm sure maybe this is all petty and first world problems and maybe I deserve feelings of disgust directed at me from others for all this distress I'm in but fuck it hurts to lose the promise of a good future that would've made the past shitty decade seem worth it in the end. Instead I'm a shell of my former self that feels like shit, cant do much, is massively dumber and about to turn 22 without even having so much as an associates degree to my name when I was supposed to be a scholar with a job where I was happy nerding out about my obsessive interests one day.
Why can't I just transfer whatever is left of my lifespan to a cancer kid or something? When I CTB (if I even can) it wont generate more life or anything good or creative, nor will it even transfer, I'm just destroying my life, body and mind. It's a waste. But maybe my own ingratitude should disgust me. The cancer kid has an objectively worse ailment than me, aren't I actually lucky? But since they want life shouldn't they have the time that I will lose? Maybe being stuck like this and being forced to live a long life that I know I will hate is the punishment I deserve for being such a joke and piece of shit for 21 years now. Fuck man.
This wasn't supposed to be so long. Nobody is reading this. God damn. I just have so much I need to get out that I have only been allowed to express in the confines of my own life. It isn't even a structured exposition on what I feel. I hope I could do that one day. This is a mess. Sorry for my overt narcissism. I suck. I need to learn to stop talking about myself. Now I'm going to wallow in pain cuz I triggered my neck and back pain sat here typing so long. I am so sorry.
