Well after my first morning cry.
Some breakfast and back to sleep.
I woke to the most encountered and thoughtful messages.
I was shocked and began crying again.
Yall are really special.
When you move through life so invisible and so unloved, unappreciated and ignored. Every kind person means so much to you.
So Thankyou
I was asked did my psych stay make me a pro lifer
Let me tell you a story.
As we know each place is different.
Different by location and money.
I have no money but I had decent insurance so in that aspect I will say I was very lucky.
It's sad how as time goes on you pick up psych stays like collecting coins and you compare to other wards you've stayed in.
As an adult this was my second ward.
I had 1 as a child.
My first ward as an adult I checked myself in. I was living with my grandmother..I was wrongfully terminated from a job that I liked and I decided this was the time to get help.
It had bars on the windows. The nurse station was protected with that little office bubble they have. Kinda like a bank. The one tv and chairs , coloring books and games. The rooms were bare with one bed.
Adjoining doors as we had to share a bathroom. I don't remember much about that stay when it came to doctors.
I do remember how they thought it was odd that once allowed items I wanted my perfume. I love to smell good.
Just cause I wanna die doesn't mean I can't smell delightful
I remember having to lock the other door to use the restroom or shower.
And as scary as that is atleast we had privacy and didn't have to have permission and wait to clean up.
I remember looking out of the bars in my window and realizing my sister lived right up the street..but she never came to visit me.
Now this hospital was a bit fancy. They had a kitchen are that we had access to at anytime. The TV had a remote and we could watch what we wanted. There was a small TV to the side where you could watch movies or play wii.
The rooms you had a roommate and the bathroom had a swinging door.
You had to get permission and unlock the shower room. I hated that and I hated that the shower head was non existent. Like you really had to get close...I guess you can hang yourself from the shower
Now my first stay I don't recall getting a diagnosis. This time I wanted a diagnosis.
How do I have all these suicide attempts, history of depression and counseling, therapy ect but no real diagnosis.
For me I believe it's because they simply didn't care. I'm black but well spoken.
My entire life that's the one thing I hear how well spoken and articulate I am.
So I think they really just didn't believe me or care.
I went years just getting worse and worse but survived because I had no choice.
Anyway, during this stay I was pretty blunt. The Dr asked did you wanna die.
Ummmm yes I'm not here for the food
They do the assessment thing and they were so robotic and cold.
But my bells went off during a particular conversation where both doctors..I had 2. Both said we want you to get Better.
I found that strange. I'm 42. I have decades of sever depression. Is it really a possibility of better and what does that consist of.
That's when I realized mental health does not matter. It's not a real illness to them. It's not an actual condition.
I looked at the doctor and I said I would think a psychiatrist would know that it's not about getting better. It's management for me.
What's management he asked.
I said more affordable therapy, job programs and assistance, housing assistance, etc.
He blew it off.
When you're a drug addicted you get rehab.
When you're a cancer patient you get chemotherapy.
What do you get when you're mentally ill.
And all of it boils down to how much money and time do you have to dedicate to those things.
No Matter what race you are many don't have the time or money to get treatment to see if there's even a chance of getting better or managing better.
It's the luck of the draw.
Once I realized how these doctors were delusional and will pick and choose according to whatever.
I decided just play the game to get out of here.
Soon as I got out I ordered the PPH.
I vlog on YouTube because I really have no one to talk too.
And I've been planning my next attempt.
I have 4 under my belt now.
One time I held a gun but I couldn't even put it to my head.
So I'm working on 5.
I'll never be a pro lifer.
I know while I may have a understanding of why they claim to be pro life.
They will never understand or admit to having that desire to say I'm done.
I did the best I could with the cards I was dealt and I lost so let me go.
Some breakfast and back to sleep.
I woke to the most encountered and thoughtful messages.
I was shocked and began crying again.
Yall are really special.
When you move through life so invisible and so unloved, unappreciated and ignored. Every kind person means so much to you.
So Thankyou
I was asked did my psych stay make me a pro lifer
Let me tell you a story.
As we know each place is different.
Different by location and money.
I have no money but I had decent insurance so in that aspect I will say I was very lucky.
It's sad how as time goes on you pick up psych stays like collecting coins and you compare to other wards you've stayed in.
As an adult this was my second ward.
I had 1 as a child.
My first ward as an adult I checked myself in. I was living with my grandmother..I was wrongfully terminated from a job that I liked and I decided this was the time to get help.
It had bars on the windows. The nurse station was protected with that little office bubble they have. Kinda like a bank. The one tv and chairs , coloring books and games. The rooms were bare with one bed.
Adjoining doors as we had to share a bathroom. I don't remember much about that stay when it came to doctors.
I do remember how they thought it was odd that once allowed items I wanted my perfume. I love to smell good.
Just cause I wanna die doesn't mean I can't smell delightful
I remember having to lock the other door to use the restroom or shower.
And as scary as that is atleast we had privacy and didn't have to have permission and wait to clean up.
I remember looking out of the bars in my window and realizing my sister lived right up the street..but she never came to visit me.
Now this hospital was a bit fancy. They had a kitchen are that we had access to at anytime. The TV had a remote and we could watch what we wanted. There was a small TV to the side where you could watch movies or play wii.
The rooms you had a roommate and the bathroom had a swinging door.
You had to get permission and unlock the shower room. I hated that and I hated that the shower head was non existent. Like you really had to get close...I guess you can hang yourself from the shower
Now my first stay I don't recall getting a diagnosis. This time I wanted a diagnosis.
How do I have all these suicide attempts, history of depression and counseling, therapy ect but no real diagnosis.
For me I believe it's because they simply didn't care. I'm black but well spoken.
My entire life that's the one thing I hear how well spoken and articulate I am.
So I think they really just didn't believe me or care.
I went years just getting worse and worse but survived because I had no choice.
Anyway, during this stay I was pretty blunt. The Dr asked did you wanna die.
Ummmm yes
I'm not here for the foodThey do the assessment thing and they were so robotic and cold.
But my bells went off during a particular conversation where both doctors..I had 2. Both said we want you to get Better.
I found that strange. I'm 42. I have decades of sever depression. Is it really a possibility of better and what does that consist of.
That's when I realized mental health does not matter. It's not a real illness to them. It's not an actual condition.
I looked at the doctor and I said I would think a psychiatrist would know that it's not about getting better. It's management for me.
What's management he asked.
I said more affordable therapy, job programs and assistance, housing assistance, etc.
He blew it off.
When you're a drug addicted you get rehab.
When you're a cancer patient you get chemotherapy.
What do you get when you're mentally ill.
And all of it boils down to how much money and time do you have to dedicate to those things.
No Matter what race you are many don't have the time or money to get treatment to see if there's even a chance of getting better or managing better.
It's the luck of the draw.
Once I realized how these doctors were delusional and will pick and choose according to whatever.
I decided just play the game to get out of here.
Soon as I got out I ordered the PPH.
I vlog on YouTube because I really have no one to talk too.
And I've been planning my next attempt.
I have 4 under my belt now.
One time I held a gun but I couldn't even put it to my head.
So I'm working on 5.
I'll never be a pro lifer.
I know while I may have a understanding of why they claim to be pro life.
They will never understand or admit to having that desire to say I'm done.
I did the best I could with the cards I was dealt and I lost so let me go.
