Please dear god, what is happening... it hurts so much, everything, fucking fuck! What the fuck do I do, what can i do... why is ctb so hard, why can't i just do it now, why must i need yada and this and that and bs?? i want to carve into myself, leave myself mutilated, slice off this nasty, disgusting thing people call a body like scraping the fat off of pork, down to the bone. i want to leave my face unrecognizable, fuck peace, i want to be tortured. i dont care how it happens anymore, i dont even know why the hell im typing this, there is no point and no positivity to this post, just total bullshit! i finally have a plan but it cant come together soon enough.
i wish all bad things in the world could disappear, for everyone. i dont know what is wrong with me, but it is probably permanent, and its bad. im bad. i want to smack my head against a wall until i stop moving, i want to be alone so no one will try and stop me. i want people to yell at me, spit on me, cut me, kick me, laugh at me. i want what i deserve. this all sounds like such bullshit but what does it matter? when im gone nothing will matter, so what the hell does it matter if i decide to post this or not? if people hate me or not?
what is wrong with me, what is happening? i dont always feel like this. i am so alone... i cant trust anybody, i cant talk to anybody, i cant have anything... the most loved or cared about i felt was during my roommates birthday when his mom gave me a hug, smiled at me, and treated me like a son, like someone she cared about, who mattered! someone elses family! she was so nice and now she is one more person who will be dissapointed when i completely fuck myself, one more person who will see the limp worthlessness i really am when im finished. i dont deserve a peaceful death, i deserve brutality, limbo, hell. why cant i have a moments peace, just a few days to rot in my bed doing nothing? im constantly streched thin, i have nothing left to give, and the one person i trusted enough to admit my intentions to ctb to ghosts me, the person i once trusted the most in the world. i truly dont matter, not to myself, not to anybody. on here im a nobody, some random new account, some new fucking crazy person ranting away like some disrespectful snob, acting like people should care. i wish i could make no one else EVER feel this way... dear fucking god, im really not gonna make it... im weak, i cant do it... but i gotta be strong, survival instinct is a bitch.
sorry for being here and taking up your bandwidth as much as your time, feel free to ignore or yell at me or whatever. have a good day.
i wish all bad things in the world could disappear, for everyone. i dont know what is wrong with me, but it is probably permanent, and its bad. im bad. i want to smack my head against a wall until i stop moving, i want to be alone so no one will try and stop me. i want people to yell at me, spit on me, cut me, kick me, laugh at me. i want what i deserve. this all sounds like such bullshit but what does it matter? when im gone nothing will matter, so what the hell does it matter if i decide to post this or not? if people hate me or not?
what is wrong with me, what is happening? i dont always feel like this. i am so alone... i cant trust anybody, i cant talk to anybody, i cant have anything... the most loved or cared about i felt was during my roommates birthday when his mom gave me a hug, smiled at me, and treated me like a son, like someone she cared about, who mattered! someone elses family! she was so nice and now she is one more person who will be dissapointed when i completely fuck myself, one more person who will see the limp worthlessness i really am when im finished. i dont deserve a peaceful death, i deserve brutality, limbo, hell. why cant i have a moments peace, just a few days to rot in my bed doing nothing? im constantly streched thin, i have nothing left to give, and the one person i trusted enough to admit my intentions to ctb to ghosts me, the person i once trusted the most in the world. i truly dont matter, not to myself, not to anybody. on here im a nobody, some random new account, some new fucking crazy person ranting away like some disrespectful snob, acting like people should care. i wish i could make no one else EVER feel this way... dear fucking god, im really not gonna make it... im weak, i cant do it... but i gotta be strong, survival instinct is a bitch.
sorry for being here and taking up your bandwidth as much as your time, feel free to ignore or yell at me or whatever. have a good day.
