Help Warning others for my abuser?

[Clowndollie]

Hi everyone reading this (:
I feel really conflicted at the moment. I don't exactly know why but I have this big urge to try to save others from the person who abused me, or not exactly save, but more warning them. I don't want the things that happened to me to happen to anyone else. In the Netherlands there are two places he said that he comes sometimes. these are social places like a cafe and a club. I am now really on the fence about going to those two places and warning the people working there. Especially because those places are for sure a safe place for many individuals and I also bet that they want to keep it a safe place. Warning wouldn't hurt right? The thing is that it's really hard for me to actually go to these places because the cities they're in bring back a lot of memories and even some trauma related to the abuser. Even thinking about going there, makes my chest ache with fear and makes my breathing shallow. I do feel like I have to do this, for the sake of my own peace of mind. I could at least say that I did it. I don't think I'd ever get over it if I didn't do it.

I don't know if I should really do it though, am I just making too much of a big deal out of it? What do you think?

 

[peaceandlove]

That's a dilemma I understand. Sometimes I'm baffled and angry that nobody ever warned me about or saved me from my abuser. Other times I can remember instances of people trying to, but at the time I didn't understand. I also have regrets about times I should've done something to stop abusers from abusing anybody else. It's hard to know what is the right thing to do sometimes. It doesn't help, really, but ultimately anything an abuser does is their own responsibility and the consequences belong to them. No matter what you decide to do, you can't change what the abuser will do, or decide for their victims what they will do. I'm sorry this isn't more helpful. I just feel what you feel. ✌

 

[doctordetritus]

Hi everyone reading this (:
I feel really conflicted at the moment. I don't exactly know why but I have this big urge to try to save others from the person who abused me, or not exactly save, but more warning them. I don't want the things that happened to me to happen to anyone else. In the Netherlands there are two places he said that he comes sometimes. these are social places like a cafe and a club. I am now really on the fence about going to those two places and warning the people working there. Especially because those places are for sure a safe place for many individuals and I also bet that they want to keep it a safe place. Warning wouldn't hurt right? The thing is that it's really hard for me to actually go to these places because the cities they're in bring back a lot of memories and even some trauma related to the abuser. Even thinking about going there, makes my chest ache with fear and makes my breathing shallow. I do feel like I have to do this, for the sake of my own peace of mind. I could at least say that I did it. I don't think I'd ever get over it if I didn't do it.

I don't know if I should really do it though, am I just making too much of a big deal out of it? What do you think?

can you supply the information anonymously? calling or email? i dont know what your money situation is like, but paying someone to pass out flyers in the area? sky writing? okay those last two might be stupid.

i know that facebook has city specific groups devoted to whisper networks where you can anonymously post somewhat detailed information about abusers. ive subscribed to a few in my area and check them every so often. i think there are also apps devoted to this concept as well.

 

[Holu]

I'm not sure how effective warning would be, but I don't see any harm in not doing it. Sadly, it's unlikely that the management would take action against this person, and even less likely that they would let employees know to look out for them and monitor, even if they are potentially gonna harm customers. This isn't helped by the fact that the abuse likely is occurring outside of their establishment rather than inside. If you believe and have some method of providing evidence that this individual uses these places as an area to find targets to which they would then abuse their victims then it might have some effect, especially if it happens again and you can publicly claim that the establishment was aware but didn't care. The only issue is that would take multiple victims, and I really don't see how you could definitively prove they are using said establishments to harm innocents without more victims. Another possible solution relies on restraining orders, and while I don't know how the Netherlands works, if it's similar to the U.S. and your also fond of these places and have a restraining order, you could try to claim that the individual is intentionally going to these establishments to harass you by forcing you to leave(since it's a public place and you filed the order) and potentially modify the order so they can no longer engage with these places if your there since they are doing so with malicious intent.

Ultimately the only way to truly prevent other members of the public from being victimized is by arresting this individual(or the other option but obviously please don't do that). Its very heartwarming that your trying to safeguard and prevent others, and I'm truly sorry for your situation but unfortunately there isn't much you can do aside from quite literally harassing the abuser by telling every potential victim that they are an abuser.

Regardless of the situation, I am hoping that whoever your abuser is stubs their toe, spills hot coffee on themself, and eats a chip vertically spike side up. Seriously fuck em, they deserve to suffer a thousand fold of whatever pain you endured.

Edit: I just remembered and kinda realized, but if you could somehow prove rape and abuse to enough of a degree that they are placed on a sex offender registry that would help future victims detach before being abused. While at least in the U.S. u don't have to tell a partner your an offender, if the potential victims family chooses to search the name or the victim themself chooses to search it, that might result in them being caught. Also even in the case another victim is hurt, if they are on the registry already it's gonna make any case they might argue 10000000 times harder.

And yes I'm 100% aware that it's fully possibly you don't have a restraining order and they managed to escape legal consequences completely. Abusers unfortunately tend to get away far more than they should, and while I agree evidence should be inarguable for such a serious charge, it's still sad to see these individuals walk free of their consequences

 

[Grimpoteuthis]

This is a tough situation but please prioritize your own mental health over the sense of responsibility you probably feel like you owe to potential victims. I can be over pessimistic, but It is likely that people would not even take your warnings seriously and in the worst case scenario, you would be accused of slander. I agree that if you really want to do it, at least do it anonymously. Best luck!

 

[ceilng_tile]

I once found out that someone had raped my friend. I was at a club with a second friend who knew about it (he had tried to rape her too) and we saw him talking to a couple of girls. When he stepped away I warned them about him. I don't think they believed me, but I don't regret telling them.

It's easier speaking out when you're not the person who was personally traumatized.