NSFW was this encounter sexual assault?

[mittymittens]

TW: potential sexual assault

i made posts like this but i feel the need to make another one because i need to be absolutely sure. im not asking in a legal type of way either.

i rejected this girl 2 months prior and she actively lied to me before this act that she gotten over me.

i was home alone and i invited her over.

she gestered me for a hug so i hugged her and then she began to kiss me all over my face without my consent. i remember my heart dropped and i didnt know what to do because 1. she was depressed prior to this and throughout my entire friendship with her i wanted to make her happy while ignoring my wants or needs. 2. her sister her off at my place and her sister was already mad for having to go to my place.

i remember just nervously laughing because i laugh when im nervous but then i just accepted this fate as my punishment because i already knew i fucked up and if i said no she would've been super upset because she was extremely sensitive and she couldn't call her sister nor her mom to drive her home because she wouldve 100% gotten yelled at which would've made her felt worse than she already did. when i laughed, i felt her smile and kept doing it more. i just went along and stayed silent because i knew i fucked up again. i do know i was trying to push her away at some point but i dont even think she realized. and i started gagging when she kissed me and she knew i was but kept doing it and didn't take it personally.

the only thing i honestly consented to was her kissing my lips. my thought process was that we were already doing related stuff so it wouldnt matter anymore and i also wanted to know what a kiss felt like because i did not kiss anyone prior to this.

my issue lies that at some point she wanted to go to my room. this is where i said no and she kept begging. during the second plea i remember having a unsure look at my face and saying "i dont know", she didnt stop until i said "fine". i dont think fine is enthusiastic consent. i think now that begging and pleading multiple times can mean coercion? but i also need reassurance on that one.

we went to my room and we still continued doing what she wanted to do. at some point she put her hand under my shirt without asking. luckily i was wearing a bra so nothing happened. but she knew i identified as asexual so i did not know what she was trying to do with this. i was definently not okay and i was beginning to feel scared and my heart was racing the entire time even before i was going upstairs because i felt nervous the entire time what else she wanted to do without asking. she asked if my heart was racing and since i didnt want to believe my best friend was doing something and i was actively lying to myself, i told her it mustve been the sugar from the drink i had.

at some point i was also aroused but i also know that your body is biologically able to do these things. while at the peak of my arousal i told her to keep kissing my neck because my mind was clouded. but at this moment it was nearing the very end of the entire thing before she left and i did not say something like this in the beginning.

when she left, i felt a metaphorical filth and i remember putting my sheets in the washer despite nothing got on it, cleaning my floor even though it wasnt really dirty and taking a shower but then ended up crying in the shower because i still felt dirty no matter how much soap i applied on my body.

a few days after this, i got a screenshot of her asking if what she was doing to me was uncomfortable. i did not confirm or deny but all i said was "tbh i did not rly want us to go to my room" and she only responded with "sorry haha"

i understand implied nonverbal consent can work in relationships but i dont know if implied nonverbal consent can work if i had already rejected this person and expressed that i did not want to do anything romantic with her before this moment. i only saw her as a friend and after this happened i felt dirty and violated and i dont even know if im even valid enough to have these emotions because i feel like i mightve mislead her even though she also never tried asking for consent in most of these things

 

[mistymoo]

Hi, I'm a mental health worker college student and my focus is on helping women/afab who have sexual trauma.

firstly, i am so so incredibly sorry you experienced this. Her continuing to push after you explicited said no isn't okay. She pressured and manipulated you in multiple ways, starting w not having a concrete ride home. And her text afterwards proves to me that she knows it too. From the sounds of it you never mislead her. You're completely valid in however you're feeling.

I'm tired bc I've taken my night meds but in the morning I'll try to reply again (or you can dm me) and I'll have a more concrete thought process

 

[mittymittens]

Hi, I'm a mental health worker college student and my focus is on helping women/afab who have sexual trauma.

firstly, i am so so incredibly sorry you experienced this. Her continuing to push after you explicited said no isn't okay. She pressured and manipulated you in multiple ways, starting w not having a concrete ride home. And her text afterwards proves to me that she knows it too. From the sounds of it you never mislead her. You're completely valid in however you're feeling.

I'm tired bc I've taken my night meds but in the morning I'll try to reply again (or you can dm me) and I'll have a more concrete thought process

thank you! and yeah i appriciate it if u replied again or if more ppl replied, for some reason i have a hard time r
im gonna confront her with a doc and im really scared shes just gonna say "you were smiling" --i was smiling being she was my best friend and i trusted her and i knew i was making her happy so i felt happy.
im scared shes gonna say "there was miscommunication" and to some extent maybe ican see? or maybe thats still me trying to convince myself it was less than it actually was but i dont know because i felt filthy after she left and also she did pressure me to going to my room.

she told me she never planned to do that stuff with me but she told me she also felt very "lovey" in that moment. she told me at first she was scared id hate her for kissing me? but if she thought i was gonna hate her why do it in the first place knowing i rejected her two months prior???

 

[kittyshole]

It was not your fault at all, you communicated your feelings prior, freezing up is completely normal in these situations and you told her no to going to your room, which she broke you down until you gave a very unenthusiastic fine.

You did not deserve that, you didn't want it no matter what your body made you feel and you have the right to feel that way. Consent should be enthusiastic, consent shouldn't be repeatedly begging for it, consent shouldn't be forced one way or the other.

You should talk to her and if she doesn't back down or guilts you for it you have the right to step back from her, what happened was horrible and you deserve better from a person.

And on the topic of Body Language consent, that would only be the case in established relationships and boundaries, not when you had rejected her prior and felt hesitant.

I hope you can heal

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I'm sorry you went through that. I can understand why you're uncertain on whether or not you mislead her. While I was reading your post I also went through a bit of uncertainty until I reached the following conclusion:

1. She pressured you into going to your bedroom. You said no but she kept insisting until you caved. Even though you caved, people are emotionally intelligent enough to differentiate between when someone caved because they want to and were just playing vs someone caving because the other person insisted enough. You were coersed.

2. Regarding the smiling, if she is your friend and knows you well, she must have noticed you smiling when nervous. This is quite common, I have the same reaction too. Freezing up and smiling due to nervousness is unfortunate when the other person doesn't care about your feelings, like I think happened here, but is not consent.

3. Accepting the kiss on the lips can be considered misleading, but it's important to take into account the order of things: first you froze, then you were pressured, you cave, now you accepted the kiss straight away. This could also be because prior you said no and she didn't take that answer so now you felt like it would be pointless to say no. You were already coerced.

The time when one doesn't need explicit consent or can be more relaxed with that is when in an established relationship. Even so, people in established relationships read body language and act upon consenting body language. If I was dating you, knew you well, and you were smiling while I was kissing you, I'd stop at some point, ask why you were smiling so much and your reaction to my question would tell me whether you were wanting to continue or not, even before you verbally gave an answer.

I'm sorry again that you went through this uncomfortable experience and felt so dirty. Some people don't care about other's feelings and put their selfish desires first. Don't let anyone take advantage of you again, you were too selfless. Put yourself first, say no confidently, push them physically away. Your well being matters and sometimes there's no one else to vouch for you, only yourself.

 

[endofline2010]

IANAL, but I don't really think it was SA by the legal definition. It was wrong, and it would probably be best for you not to have contact with this person any more. so if you want to pursue criminal charges, you would have to talk with a prosecutor or DA. If you want to sue her, you'll have to pay an attorney for a consultation. That's about $200-$500. Attorneys typically only take contingency cases for injury suits.

 

[TheMadman]

I would just go with the flow

 

[ceilng_tile]

Yes, this is sexual assault. Harassing someone until they agree to have sex with you is not real consent.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

 

[xandermax]

I invited a woman over to my place one night. I guess sex was assumed, however I'd never met her IRL and when i did actually meet her i really wasn't attracted to her.

We spent a little while on the couch and after like 30 minutes i said she had better go. This totally changed her. She refused to leave, insisting we have sex. I stood up and she pulled my arm back. In the end i pulled her up and to my front door and insisted she leave. But she refused, saying "let's just have sex" multiple times, standing in my doorway. This went for about 5 minutes with her refusing to leave my doorway.

After a while of this I relented, and she pulled me back inside and onto my couch. We had sex, and it was pretty horrible and i didn't put in any effort. I just did it to get rid of her.

Other than my basketball coach sexually assaulting me when i was a boy, this is the closest to me being raped. And I'm a male, and she was a woman.

The thought of what happened still disgusts me somewhat.

So i can relate to what you went through.