Help Wasn't planning on coming this far

[nutshelf]

Hello. This is my first time posting after lurking without an account for the past 2 or so years :)
I think it's time I accepted help.
I have been suicidal since a very young age. My first attempt was at 9. Many factors have contributed to this and I have done a LOT of inner work. That inner work has brought many beautiful things to me, but I still cannot let go of the thought of CTB. Currently, I'm in an incredibly hard and rough patch of my life and it feels like whatever I do, these rough patches are NEVER DONE. I have terrible money issues because a. I am unable to get a job since I'm an avid job hopper and dont have any real education, and b. I am unable to keep a job since every time i do get a job and start off, after 3 months, i am so incredibly tired and it ends with me realizing that i cannot take care of myself and then obviously quitting. My partner is currently taking care of me but he is also working a soulless job that makes him consider rather being homeless.
I have always thought I would die by the age of 16. I am now a few years older than that, and I genuinely have no clue what I am supposed to do with myself.
I'm incapable of going back to school because it costs money, I am incapable of working for longer than 4 months and the only support i have is my partner. There is so many things piling up against me. So many things that make me just want to quit everything. So many things I can't solve.
How do I, even through incredibly rough times, stay afloat?
Is there a life after being suicidal?
Or is this it?

 

[timf]

A lot of life is superficial for most. Those who have been to the edge are changed such that diversions and delusions aren't so much effective at shutting out reality. There are those because they have experienced abuse, worked as cops, emergency room nurses, combat veterans, or other brutal encounters with reality that cannot slip into the soft comforts of consumerism or even the delusions of pride.

However, it is possible to build something solid. For those coming out of difficulties, truth has a high value. So much of life is presented wrapped in BS that it can seem that there is nothing else. I had a friend who had been a pilot with Air Viet Nam. As a refugee in Hong Kong, he told his pilot friends, "well it looks like we aren't going to be pilots anymore". He went to bartender school and worked his way as a bartender through electronics school.

Survivors can be rough around the edges. Sometimes there can be a resentment of those who have not had rough experiences. Experimenting with different things usually allows the accumulation of things that help manage reconstruction. For example you mentioned a limitation on length of work. It might be possible to sign up with temp agency. Some companies use temp agencies to see if employees are suitable. Tackling different work environments might also turn up some interesting possibilities.

One key to successful survival is to avoid self-pity and bitterness. This only poisons one;s life. Doing things for others like volunteer work often helps cultivate a selflessness that can make life rewarding. Oddly the movie Uncle Buck showed the transformative power of serving others.

 

[nutshelf]

A lot of life is superficial for most. Those who have been to the edge are changed such that diversions and delusions aren't so much effective at shutting out reality. There are those because they have experienced abuse, worked as cops, emergency room nurses, combat veterans, or other brutal encounters with reality that cannot slip into the soft comforts of consumerism or even the delusions of pride.

However, it is possible to build something solid. For those coming out of difficulties, truth has a high value. So much of life is presented wrapped in BS that it can seem that there is nothing else. I had a friend who had been a pilot with Air Viet Nam. As a refugee in Hong Kong, he told his pilot friends, "well it looks like we aren't going to be pilots anymore". He went to bartender school and worked his way as a bartender through electronics school.

Survivors can be rough around the edges. Sometimes there can be a resentment of those who have not had rough experiences. Experimenting with different things usually allows the accumulation of things that help manage reconstruction. For example you mentioned a limitation on length of work. It might be possible to sign up with temp agency. Some companies use temp agencies to see if employees are suitable. Tackling different work environments might also turn up some interesting possibilities.

One key to successful survival is to avoid self-pity and bitterness. This only poisons one;s life. Doing things for others like volunteer work often helps cultivate a selflessness that can make life rewarding. Oddly the movie Uncle Buck showed the transformative power of serving others.

Thank you for your honest and real words and for the advice which I will probably be taking :) It is true, I can't see life in a way an average person who has no history of abuse would. I'm learning to see that as a good thing. When it comes to helping others, there is nothing I'd love to do more. It's simply that I can't see things clearly yet, even if I got away from the environment that made me this way.