Venting We are stronger than we think we are!

[dontwakemeup]

I want to tell anyone reading this, we are all stronger than what we probably see ourselves. Everyday we have to make a decision to continue existing or plan another eescape. We are strong beautiful people who just want to rest forever. We aren't broken, people may not understand us and it doesn't matter, we are done explaining. Nobody will ever understand the amount of strength and endurance for us to wake up and continue existing.
I hope everyone can find something that makes them smile today, if it's only for a moment. My favorite saying is, "I can't live forever," we are almost done, 1 less day!

 

[divinemistress36]

I don't want to be strong

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I don't want to be strong

this part.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I don't want to be strong

Me neither. I want to be dead.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

If was stronger, I would have found a way to CTB by now.

 

[pariah80]

I want to be strong enough to pull the trigger. I love your post, though.

 

[dontwakemeup]

I wish I was strong enough to have been successful on my last attempts! I don't want to be here either..I want out

 

[GoSan1]

Its always strength that is combined with life... its so weird. I even tell myself I am strong for living so long and I deserve to go now, but strength does not save you, it just makes you better, but that also depends on what kind of strenght we are talking about... I don't like this topic. ill stop yapping

 

[dontwakemeup]

Its always strength that is combined with life... its so weird. I even tell myself I am strong for living so long and I deserve to go now, but strength does not save you, it just makes you better, but that also depends on what kind of strenght we are talking about... I don't like this topic. ill stop yapping

I was simply saying it's takes a lot of strength for us to get up everyday and continue living when we clearly don't want to be here! Knowing everyday will be miserable and yet we still keep going! I definitely don't want to be here but after so many attempts, I've finally given up and waiting everyday to die. It takes a lot of strength to go to work and pretend to be happy. That's all I was saying. Don't mind me I'm just waiting for my 1st round of sleeping pills to take over, I don't have to fake it today.

 

[GoSan1]

I was simply saying it's takes a lot of strength for us to get up everyday and continue living when we clearly don't want to be here! Knowing everyday will be miserable and yet we still keep going! I definitely don't want to be here but after so many attempts, I've finally given up and waiting everyday to die. It takes a lot of strength to go to work and pretend to be happy. That's all I was saying. Don't mind me I'm just waiting for my 1st round of sleeping pills to take over, I don't have to fake it today.

Oh i wasn't trying to come off rude or against you! I was just lost in that thought, but now that you mention it, I think this whole thing is so weird. You see, if we suffer, wouldn't it be true strength to take action and end all that pain? (by ctb or whatever) But even in going for ctb I see no strength, not even in living yet suffering. The only strength I see in myself is staying true to my dreams and wishes, and still being myself. I was slowly losing sanity but now that I'm going for the end, I regained most of it and gotten so calm, maybe you know what I mean... But I don't think I ever saw what it means to truly be strong...

**Edit: nvm, my mother is quiet strong, I have seen strength, but even that is weird... AHHH what have I gotten myself into...**

 

[theolivanderroach]

I'm going to be strong enough to ctb :D

 

[rozeske]

I wish I wasn't. It only made me suffer for longer without breaking.

 

[maniac116]

I want to tell anyone reading this, we are all stronger than what we probably see ourselves. Everyday we have to make a decision to continue existing or plan another eescape. We are strong beautiful people who just want to rest forever. We aren't broken, people may not understand us and it doesn't matter, we are done explaining. Nobody will ever understand the amount of strength and endurance for us to wake up and continue existing.
I hope everyone can find something that makes them smile today, if it's only for a moment. My favorite saying is, "I can't live forever," we are almost done, 1 less day!

I couldn't agree more

 

[TragedyBornCrimson]

It would take strength for me to face my problems, strength that I no longer have. Death to me feels like a cop out but that will be my choice. I have no strength and God hasn't helped me overcome.

 

[swankysoup]

I think strength should ideally be proportional to your opportunities, being strong in a healthy environment leads to a great life. But being strong and stuck in a shitty place is kinda unhinged. Idk i'm not even very strong, just weird lol. But i appreciate your post though.

 

[AnderDethsky]

As a person who keeps two helium cylinders with all the necessary connectors at home, and more recently also with 1 kg SN, its very difficult for me to talk about my some strength based only on the fact that I am still alive. I would say: all is quite the opposite.

 

[Thisisnotaname]

I think I am stronger than I am.

I hope it's only for my case

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

I wish I wasn't. It only made me suffer for longer without breaking.

Same. It's undoubtedly 100 percent strength that kept me here. An inner battler, persevering against all odds. I'm a goddamn lifetime movie. Plus my mask is spectacular, took me years to nail it - everyone believes it. Sometimes I wonder who that bitch is - everyone else is so sure she's a ray of sunshine, I couldn't think of anything worse than people knowing I'm not a sunny, happy, physically well, untraumatised person. I spew my guts out here, but IRL, I'm always the happiest person in the room. Meanwhile, the people I've known IRL who CTB'd were also the happiest people in the room. People either don't learn or choose not to see. Either / either. I know deep down, my SI is tied up with my competitive nature. I know it. My "thinking" brain doesn't like the idea of losing, failing to see that for me, catching my bus is winning. A battle with oneself is pointless, but I'm too tired & powerless to battle anyone else. Maybe I can just wear myself down… Convince my brain that the bus is the prize.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I want to tell anyone reading this, we are all stronger than what we probably see ourselves. Everyday we have to make a decision to continue existing or plan another eescape. We are strong beautiful people who just want to rest forever. We aren't broken, people may not understand us and it doesn't matter, we are done explaining. Nobody will ever understand the amount of strength and endurance for us to wake up and continue existing.
I hope everyone can find something that makes them smile today, if it's only for a moment. My favorite saying is, "I can't live forever," we are almost done, 1 less day!

I'm not strong nor do I want to be. All I want is to be dead so that I won't suffer in existence any longer. I have no desire to be strong because, honestly, it's pointless and futile. Also, I'm not making a decision to continue existing or to ctb, I am forced to stay alive because I can't access a suicide method and I'm terrified of the risks of a failed suicide attempt. You are right about us not being broken though. It's existence that's broken, not me

 

[dontwakemeup]

Same. It's undoubtedly 100 percent strength that kept me here. An inner battler, persevering against all odds. I'm a goddamn lifetime movie. Plus my mask is spectacular, took me years to nail it - everyone believes it. Sometimes I wonder who that bitch is - everyone else is so sure she's a ray of sunshine, I couldn't think of anything worse than people knowing I'm not a sunny, happy, physically well, untraumatised person. I spew my guts out here, but IRL, I'm always the happiest person in the room. Meanwhile, the people I've known IRL who CTB'd were also the happiest people in the room. People either don't learn or choose not to see. Either / either. I know deep down, my SI is tied up with my competitive nature. I know it. My "thinking" brain doesn't like the idea of losing, failing to see that for me, catching my bus is winning. A battle with oneself is pointless, but I'm too tired & powerless to battle anyone else. Maybe I can just wear myself down… Convince my brain that the bus is the prize.

We have become such liars haven't we? If we really tell people how we feel, they would be shocked! I had a 5150 and the only thing I learned was never to say, "I'm ok!" And I never tell people I'm having a bad day. It's always the loudest and happiest people in the room who seem to be the saddest. My co-workers would never believe my story and that I cry almost everyday. Me saying we are strong because we are! We get up everyday knowing we have all these internal issues we hold inside and fake it long enough to fool everyone. We are smart enough to fool our doctors and therapist. We have learned what to say and definitely not to say, we have become experts. I'm not proud by far but sometimes I'm shocked I've survived everything. I can't wait for my bus to come and I can finally sleep forever. Idk, hope all this makes sense.

I'm not strong nor do I want to be. All I want is to be dead so that I won't suffer in existence any longer. I have no desire to be strong because, honestly, it's pointless and futile. Also, I'm not making a decision to continue existing or to ctb, I am forced to stay alive because I can't access a suicide method and I'm terrified of the risks of a failed suicide attempt. You are right about us not being broken though. It's existence that's broken, not me

I feel the same. I'm just waiting for this to be over. If I have another failed attempt I'll be in so much trouble that it's not worth the risk. We are 1 less day away from our bus arriving

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

I try to keep away from lying as much as possible, just a lot of "look over here & not over there" - it works for ADHD, depression, PTSD - the one thing going for traumatised people is generally their sense of humour so I rely on that very, very, very heavily. I'm also an expert at changing the subject in a way that seems organic instead of orchestrated. That gets me through a lot. I'm sad people don't see who I am but I'd also probs be sadder if they did. I'm not sure that makes sense in writing, maybe just in my head. I cry every single day. Vomit with anxiety. Panic attacks like a champion. For what though?? Why??? I am just hoping that I can finally direct all that strength to where I need it - not in persevering, but catching my bus as soon as possible. I'm really scared that's just not in my skillet though… Best of luck to you.

 

[lawlietsph]

This is the truth, there's actually nothing wrong with us.
I feel it for years now.
I used to just hate and despise myself for not being able to function like the rest of the world does - don't get me wrong, most of the time I still hate and punish myself and of course I always think "Why can't I be pretty, rich, kind, successful just like x and y and z?"
But there is something I realized. We are WAAAAAAAY too far gone from our natural state - we are NOT meant to live a life like this. We are NOT meant to work like this, live like this, dress like this, eat like this, behave like this. And just because 99% of society seems to accept it, it does NOT mean that it's right. They are all miserable people, it's not good for anyone except for millionaires. I guarantee you that only a tiny precent of humanity is actually happy.

I realized that most of us don't find our place in this world because of the fucked up consumer society and everything that comes with it.
I truly, honestly, wholeheartedly believe that there is nothing wrong with us, mentally ill, suicidal people. It would actually be weird if this shitty lifestyle didn't fuck with our mental health.

The problem is that there is no way for us to escape this lifestyle that we are forced to live in. If all the 7 billion people wake up collectively and decide to change, only then there's a small chance for escaping this fucked up reality. But it is not going to happen. So what are we left with?
A) Continue to be miserable
B) Winning the lottery and escaping to a forest
C) Suicide

This is what I feel, I could be very very wrong tho.

 

[dontwakemeup]

I try to keep away from lying as much as possible, just a lot of "look over here & not over there" - it works for ADHD, depression, PTSD - the one thing going for traumatised people is generally their sense of humour so I rely on that very, very, very heavily. I'm also an expert at changing the subject in a way that seems organic instead of orchestrated. That gets me through a lot. I'm sad people don't see who I am but I'd also probs be sadder if they did. I'm not sure that makes sense in writing, maybe just in my head. I cry every single day. Vomit with anxiety. Panic attacks like a champion. For what though?? Why??? I am just hoping that I can finally direct all that strength to where I need it - not in persevering, but catching my bus as soon as possible. I'm really scared that's just not in my skillet though… Best of luck to you.

I completely understand and agree with everything. I have PTSD too. Do you mind me asking, do you take medicine for it? If so, does it help you?

 

[antony]

I got N and still here. SI is stronger than we think lol

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

I completely understand and agree with everything. I have PTSD too. Do you mind me asking, do you take medicine for it? If so, does it help you?

Nope. PTSD has to be attacked differently. Meds might help, I have no idea, but there's definitely more to it. Partly about whatever has caused the trauma. I've given up (not because of the PTSD) but there's lots of cool stuff out there - your body stores trauma & needs to release it. Some scientific, some a bit wacky. Shrinks can do EMDR & biofeedback / neurofeedback etc. The more wacky stuff can be craniosacral massage - another SaSu member just told me how life-changing that is (I can't remember if that was specifically for PTSD though, sorry, no working memory…) There's lots more research out there now, a lot of it as a result of veteran suicide & how to prevent it. There's a book everyone talks about but I haven't read called Your body keeps the score. That's everything I know sorry. Best of luck to you.

 

[Surai]

I have this thought of a more intelligent and cunning version of myself had actually killed themself already because of how smart they were, and I imagine to look up to them

 

[dontwakemeup]

This is the truth, there's actually nothing wrong with us.
I feel it for years now.
I used to just hate and despise myself for not being able to function like the rest of the world does - don't get me wrong, most of the time I still hate and punish myself and of course I always think "Why can't I be pretty, rich, kind, successful just like x and y and z?"
But there is something I realized. We are WAAAAAAAY too far gone from our natural state - we are NOT meant to live a life like this. We are NOT meant to work like this, live like this, dress like this, eat like this, behave like this. And just because 99% of society seems to accept it, it does NOT mean that it's right. They are all miserable people, it's not good for anyone except for millionaires. I guarantee you that only a tiny precent of humanity is actually happy.

I realized that most of us don't find our place in this world because of the fucked up consumer society and everything that comes with it.
I truly, honestly, wholeheartedly believe that there is nothing wrong with us, mentally ill, suicidal people. It would actually be weird if this shitty lifestyle didn't fuck with our mental health.

The problem is that there is no way for us to escape this lifestyle that we are forced to live in. If all the 7 billion people wake up collectively and decide to change, only then there's a small chance for escaping this fucked up reality. But it is not going to happen. So what are we left with?
A) Continue to be miserable
B) Winning the lottery and escaping to a forest
C) Suicide

This is what I feel, I could be very very wrong tho.

I love it! I think we all have valid reasons as to why we want to escape our lives and they are indeed justified. I don't think anyone here would say they want out and don't know why. I think you're correct that a lot more people feel like this but would never admit it. Escaping is impossible it seems, hopefully it will be over soon. I think even rich people probably feel the same but are surrounded by yes people are barely have genuine friends. I've accepted this life of solitude and mental misery, that's all one can do. Great response, thank you

Nope. PTSD has to be attacked differently. Meds might help, I have no idea, but there's definitely more to it. Partly about whatever has caused the trauma. I've given up (not because of the PTSD) but there's lots of cool stuff out there - your body stores trauma & needs to release it. Some scientific, some a bit wacky. Shrinks can do EMDR & biofeedback / neurofeedback etc. The more wacky stuff can be craniosacral massage - another SaSu member just told me how life-changing that is (I can't remember if that was specifically for PTSD though, sorry, no working memory…) There's lots more research out there now, a lot of it as a result of veteran suicide & how to prevent it. There's a book everyone talks about but I haven't read called Your body keeps the score. That's everything I know sorry. Best of luck to you.

That's really helpful, I definitely appreciate it! I suffer my memory loss, it effects my spelling, thoughts, and everything. I'm terrified to take anymore medication because of a chance it can make things worse. I will see if that book is on Amazon or Kindle. Thanks again

 

[cloudyskye]

If was stronger, I would have found a way to CTB by now.

This is me. I'm a coward.