schrei_nach_liebe
Experienced
- Jul 6, 2023
- 227
I had a half kilo of SN in my possession several years ago in a different jurisdiction, but I never used it and ended up discarding it. It's now basically impossible to get here, and having worked in a critical care hospital environment I can tell you we've "saved" a few with methylene blue lately, and I've even pushed it into the poor soul. Life seemed like it was on its way upward and I had become a nurse. Things inevitably went south, very south. And I have only gotten worse since a psych ward stay, several rounds of ECT which I can report ended up neurologically injuring me. I used to have a veritable arsenal of firearms in a jurisdiction very friendly to firearms as well as my concealed (even in a place you require no license to conceal, but it had reciprocity in most states), but was eventually left with only one .357 Magnum 5-shot revolved which I almost used in my own condo (long story, a phone call right as I was cocking the hammer came and I asked my family member to take me to the hospital) in a jurisdiction very unfriendly to firearms, and my firearms license was revoked and gun had to be transferred 6 years ago. I failed a 22.5gram amitriptyline+several antiemetics attempt 5 years ago, was found after 40 hours and initially thought to be brain dead after being resuscitated from a 13 minute cardiac arrest. I am now in a jurisdiction that seems much friendlier to firearms, and I'm not sure if I'm on any sort of prohibited list. I've never involuntarily been held psychologically, have no criminal record, and have a damn unencumbered nursing license which is no small thing.
A few days ago I purchased one of my dream firearms (it's not cheap, but not that expensive, and a very very reliable American brand I've owned several from), made in a factory I've toured personally. My intention is the gun will only ever fire 2 shots by the time it's locked up and presumably destroyed. The shot in the factory test, and the shot hopefully going into my brain stem. I chose a 1911 style .45ACP, planning on using Federal Hydra-Shok 230 grain. It is on its way to the FFL for transfer (where I get the background check and where I'll find out if my mental health record has made it to them and possibly get arrested, or walk out relieved). I don't think federally there could be anything against me, but the state police in the jurisdiction I lived with the .357 Magnum 6 years ago, I had my right to have a firearm revoked for a period of 5 years. I also had a 7 month $70,000 addiction to cocaine about 4 years ago. Never got into any legal issue, in fact I don't think I've talked to an officer of the law since I got pulled over for speeding 18 years ago, except for my sister who is a officer of the law.
I've been trying to figure out the best venue. Definitely not where I live, I life with a parent and the parent would be even more destroyed than they would be if I did it anywhere else, and it would seriously disturb the neighborhood - 55 and over community in a condo complex. I'm thinking my best and most considerate would be to do it in my car, at night, with AC on full blast and engine running with auto-off disabled and a full tank of gas, to slightly mitigate any decomposition or critters. Not really sure what shape my head will be in externally. I am thinking medium traffic parking lot overnight. As long as I don't get caught within a couple minutes of pulling the trigger of freedom I should be ok. I was going to fill the mag with 1 round and chamber it, that way when I've done the deed the slide will lock back and the chamber will be open showing the officer the firearm is safe. My car is paid off, worth about $6000 on a good day. Nothing special.
Or, I think of getting a hotel room, bringing a Bluetooth speaker, playing my favorite "all the feels songs" on loop like some Russian ones or , I'm pro-Ukraine all the way, by the way. I've lost 5 friends in that war. I don't want to mess the bed of the room too bad. I've got some ideas about that, and being a hollow point at relatively low velocity in an all concrete hotel will be fine particularly if the muzzle is vectored toward the floor through a mattress. I was thinking of taping up a sheet in the entry way with a warning to any hotel staff so only our boys and girls in blue have to see the horrendous site.
I should know if 3-5 days whether I can walk out with my key to final peace and take a permanent nap. I'm not going to rehash my story, but at the moment and within any conceivable lifetime, I've lost everything and I'm fucked. I have 0 actual friends and I've got 4 people in my life I could say actually care for/love me. Our relationships are all super strained, and I know it'll hurt them so badly initially, but eventually they will predominantly remember the good memories and I know I'm a huge burden/parasite/stress on all of them in this state. And I can confirm over the last 23 years, bipolar disorder is most definitely progressive and can be completely treatment resistant in some cases, like mine. We've done truly everything. Except CTB successfully. That amitriptyline was 10/10 peaceful and it sure was heading towards a 10/10 CTB if not for a few seconds, being found in my own condo I lived alone in. It would have certainly worked, I did basically die. I was restored to life by essentially science fiction means and in the ICU for months. I was a registered organ donor but somehow my family overrode it even when I was classified GCS 3T. Just my luck.
What do y'all think of my plan. Hoping to be crossed out by the end of the month, end of the year at the latest, and preferably before my birthday later this year, though I want to avoid on or near my sister's birthday.
A few days ago I purchased one of my dream firearms (it's not cheap, but not that expensive, and a very very reliable American brand I've owned several from), made in a factory I've toured personally. My intention is the gun will only ever fire 2 shots by the time it's locked up and presumably destroyed. The shot in the factory test, and the shot hopefully going into my brain stem. I chose a 1911 style .45ACP, planning on using Federal Hydra-Shok 230 grain. It is on its way to the FFL for transfer (where I get the background check and where I'll find out if my mental health record has made it to them and possibly get arrested, or walk out relieved). I don't think federally there could be anything against me, but the state police in the jurisdiction I lived with the .357 Magnum 6 years ago, I had my right to have a firearm revoked for a period of 5 years. I also had a 7 month $70,000 addiction to cocaine about 4 years ago. Never got into any legal issue, in fact I don't think I've talked to an officer of the law since I got pulled over for speeding 18 years ago, except for my sister who is a officer of the law.
I've been trying to figure out the best venue. Definitely not where I live, I life with a parent and the parent would be even more destroyed than they would be if I did it anywhere else, and it would seriously disturb the neighborhood - 55 and over community in a condo complex. I'm thinking my best and most considerate would be to do it in my car, at night, with AC on full blast and engine running with auto-off disabled and a full tank of gas, to slightly mitigate any decomposition or critters. Not really sure what shape my head will be in externally. I am thinking medium traffic parking lot overnight. As long as I don't get caught within a couple minutes of pulling the trigger of freedom I should be ok. I was going to fill the mag with 1 round and chamber it, that way when I've done the deed the slide will lock back and the chamber will be open showing the officer the firearm is safe. My car is paid off, worth about $6000 on a good day. Nothing special.
Or, I think of getting a hotel room, bringing a Bluetooth speaker, playing my favorite "all the feels songs" on loop like some Russian ones or , I'm pro-Ukraine all the way, by the way. I've lost 5 friends in that war. I don't want to mess the bed of the room too bad. I've got some ideas about that, and being a hollow point at relatively low velocity in an all concrete hotel will be fine particularly if the muzzle is vectored toward the floor through a mattress. I was thinking of taping up a sheet in the entry way with a warning to any hotel staff so only our boys and girls in blue have to see the horrendous site.
I should know if 3-5 days whether I can walk out with my key to final peace and take a permanent nap. I'm not going to rehash my story, but at the moment and within any conceivable lifetime, I've lost everything and I'm fucked. I have 0 actual friends and I've got 4 people in my life I could say actually care for/love me. Our relationships are all super strained, and I know it'll hurt them so badly initially, but eventually they will predominantly remember the good memories and I know I'm a huge burden/parasite/stress on all of them in this state. And I can confirm over the last 23 years, bipolar disorder is most definitely progressive and can be completely treatment resistant in some cases, like mine. We've done truly everything. Except CTB successfully. That amitriptyline was 10/10 peaceful and it sure was heading towards a 10/10 CTB if not for a few seconds, being found in my own condo I lived alone in. It would have certainly worked, I did basically die. I was restored to life by essentially science fiction means and in the ICU for months. I was a registered organ donor but somehow my family overrode it even when I was classified GCS 3T. Just my luck.
What do y'all think of my plan. Hoping to be crossed out by the end of the month, end of the year at the latest, and preferably before my birthday later this year, though I want to avoid on or near my sister's birthday.
