In the past few days, I've tried to support myself with the narrative of escaping China. But when I realized the amount of effort I would have to put in, the time it would take in the future, and the time already wasted due to brainwashing education, I started to wonder—what's the point?
First, it's undeniable that exploitation exists in nearly every government. So if I study abroad to escape China, can I just see it as moving from a place with severe exploitation to one where the exploitation is relatively milder? That doesn't really change the essence of it. So why keep going? Why not just set a date for myself, truly enjoy life for a while, and then end it—rather than trapping myself in an endless logic of living just to survive?
I've been fighting against this logic, and it's seriously impacting my agency. Because I can't be certain whether I'll ultimately decide to leave or not. If I decide to leave, then there's no point in maintaining my current life. But if I decide to stay, then I have to start over right now and manage everything again.
Ultimately, I can't grasp the meaning in all of this. Or perhaps it's just a terrible choice either way: to accept ongoing pain and live on for a long time, or to simply accept the end and suffer less.
China is friendly to those who don't think—people have food, entertainment to numb themselves with, isn't that enough? But for me, it really doesn't feel like enough. Maybe my expectations for quality of life are too high—but then again, maybe they're not. I only wish to have access to some high-end equipment I'm interested in, like a relatively advanced 3D printer, and a desktop computer with a good graphics card so I can run AI models locally.
As for food, clothing, and housing, my demands are really low—I don't ask for high quality, just something better than what China had back in the last century.
In China, the obsession with money in society makes me deeply uncomfortable. Maybe in some countries, the culture isn't like this—but so what? I'm truly exhausted. I don't know if I have enough confidence or energy to establish a life abroad. I believe I have the ability to do it, but... honestly, I'm just so tired. I just want to sleep—and never wake up.
First, it's undeniable that exploitation exists in nearly every government. So if I study abroad to escape China, can I just see it as moving from a place with severe exploitation to one where the exploitation is relatively milder? That doesn't really change the essence of it. So why keep going? Why not just set a date for myself, truly enjoy life for a while, and then end it—rather than trapping myself in an endless logic of living just to survive?
I've been fighting against this logic, and it's seriously impacting my agency. Because I can't be certain whether I'll ultimately decide to leave or not. If I decide to leave, then there's no point in maintaining my current life. But if I decide to stay, then I have to start over right now and manage everything again.
Ultimately, I can't grasp the meaning in all of this. Or perhaps it's just a terrible choice either way: to accept ongoing pain and live on for a long time, or to simply accept the end and suffer less.
China is friendly to those who don't think—people have food, entertainment to numb themselves with, isn't that enough? But for me, it really doesn't feel like enough. Maybe my expectations for quality of life are too high—but then again, maybe they're not. I only wish to have access to some high-end equipment I'm interested in, like a relatively advanced 3D printer, and a desktop computer with a good graphics card so I can run AI models locally.
As for food, clothing, and housing, my demands are really low—I don't ask for high quality, just something better than what China had back in the last century.
In China, the obsession with money in society makes me deeply uncomfortable. Maybe in some countries, the culture isn't like this—but so what? I'm truly exhausted. I don't know if I have enough confidence or energy to establish a life abroad. I believe I have the ability to do it, but... honestly, I'm just so tired. I just want to sleep—and never wake up.
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