What can they say?

[alwaysalone]

A few people in my life are aware of my depression and suicide attempts. I find myself getting irritated when they give me platitudes and cliches. But I also wonder what I want them to say. Do I want their blessing? Tears? Anger? I'm honestly not sure. I know they don't feel like me so they can't really understand. So I just end up feeling guilty. It made me wonder is there something someone could say that would make you feel better or more understood? Do you find yourself wishing someone would say something specific?

 

[wham311]

A few people in my life are aware of my depression and suicide attempts. I find myself getting irritated when they give me platitudes and cliches. But I also wonder what I want them to say. Do I want their blessing? Tears? Anger? I'm honestly not sure. I know they don't feel like me so they can't really understand. So I just end up feeling guilty. It made me wonder is there something someone could say that would make you feel better or more understood? Do you find yourself wishing someone would say something specific?

I don't want anyone's empathy or sympathy or attempt to fix , I just want help getting me out of this place.

 

[alwaysalone]

I don't want anyone's empathy or sympathy or attempt to fix , I just want help getting me out of this place.

I understand. I'm not necessarily looking for any of those either.

 

[JesiBel]

I would like to be told that it is okay if I do it (ctb). If only they could understand that it makes perfect sense that abandoning a miserable existence is a pious act towards oneself. That death is not something evil, but the end of suffering, calm and absolute peace. I would feel freer and less guilty.

 

[flightless bird]

only a seriously trained psychoanalyst could come close to truly understanding you, that is, if you let them. the language they use is shaped by very deep listening and also theoretical knowledge drawn from geniuses like lacan, and most of the time it cuts through defenses and reaches the unconscious in ways mundane-everyday-conversations cannot. so, only an analyst's words could have a real effect on your mind, as they would speak what is needed. having mapped your mental configurations, they'll say the right things (things that could potentially repair your subconscious structure). otherwise, no amount of external commentary from ordinary people will have any real, mind-altering effect.

 

[alwaysalone]

only a seriously trained psychoanalyst could come close to truly understanding you, that is, if you let them. the language they use is shaped by very deep listening and also theoretical knowledge drawn from geniuses like lacan, and most of the time it cuts through defenses and reaches the unconscious in ways mundane-everyday-conversations cannot. so, only an analyst's words could have a real effect on your mind, as they would speak what is needed. having mapped your mental configurations, they'll say the right things (things that could potentially repair your subconscious structure). otherwise, no amount of external commentary from ordinary people will have any real, mind-altering effect.

That's an interesting theory.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

"I respect your decision and will strive to make your journey, in life and in death, as peaceful, painless, and full-of-love as possible"

 

[alwaysalone]

"I respect your decision and will strive to make your journey, in life and in death, as peaceful, painless, and full-of-love as possible"

That would be awesome. I don't think I could actually allow someone I care about to directly help me or even be present because I wouldn't want them to get in trouble but it would be wonderful if someone said those words.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think it's more important that they have the patience and time to listen to begin with. I tend to find that platitudes- quite often midway through what we are saying are a brush off that the person really doesn't want to be bothered with the negativity.

I think we're all different really. Validation tends to work well for me- I can understand why you feel that way or, that must have been difficult.

I once had dinner with a friend of my Mum's and, she was incredible. Without feeling like I'd even given that much away, she seemed to know everything. She also asked some very clever, piercing questions to try to get me to work out what I actually wanted from life. I think that's the main thing though. It felt as if she was really interested in me and my future. It was amazing at the time. I simply don't think many people have that much emotional strength, space or skills to be so invested in another person though. I've never quite come across it again.

I don't think I'd want that now though to be honest. I feel as if my mind is made up. All I'm really doing now is holding on as best I can for the correct time to do it. (Once my Dad has gone.) I'm really not interested in being 'fixed' anymore. It's more just treading water fo me now.

Hence, I kind of dread talking to anyone because, it's hard to keep things to purely small talk. And, I really don't want to hear disapproval or concern or anything else really about my situation.

I think it's an interesting question to ask ourselves though. We very often complain about the type of responses we get. Even from 'professional' services but then- What would help? What do we actually want them to say or do and, would it be enough to help us? Is it genuinely that we don't know and we just put our faith in them, hoping they know what to do? Some people here have tried so many things though. To find that nothing helps has got to be disturbing. I wonder if different things work for different people.

I've wondered that before- whether we should in fact be masters of our own care. In terms of- we may know better than anyone else what 'works' on us. So, for example, I hate the phrase: 'You're making mountains out of molehills' but, that actually works on a friend of mine. I find it really belittling and insulting but they like the reassurance that the problem they're facing is actually surmountable.

I almost wonder- in a professional setting, whether that needs to be established before therapy begins. What kind of approach does this person respond best to?

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I once had dinner with a friend of my Mum's and, she was incredible. Without feeling like I'd even given that much away, she seemed to know everything. She also asked some very clever, piercing questions to try to get me to work out what I actually wanted from life. I think that's the main thing though. It felt as if she was really interested in me and my future. It was amazing at the time. I simply don't think many people have that much emotional strength, space or skills to be so invested in another person though. I've never quite come across it again.

I don't think I'd want that now though to be honest. I feel as if my mind is made up. All I'm really doing now is holding on as best I can for the correct time to do it. (Once my Dad has gone.) I'm really not interested in being 'fixed' anymore. It's more just treading water fo me now.

I once wrote a guide on "how to help suicidal people" and this was the gist of it: show genuine curiosity and interest. You can even get away with the odd platitude or unintentionally-insensitive comment if that's the basis for the conversation. I think one of the reasons why we often come away disappointed from conversations with non-suicidal people is because their entire raison d'être for talking to you is "suicide bad," not "I am sincerely curious about what is causing this person to feel this way and I'd like to know more."