demonac
You cannot kill what is already dead.
- Jan 31, 2024
- 3
I'll start it from the beginning. My parents got married and had me. When I was just in kindergarten they fought a lot. And my mom came to her maternal house whenever this happened. My father worked a job that needed him to transfer to a different city after every 4 year or so. After 2 years I'm almost in grade 1. And due to some misunderstanding(according to my mother) and cheating(according to my father) they divorced. My mom with me and my siblings we move to our mom's maternal house.
And in between of the current session I enter this new school where on my first day I got bullied because I bad mouthed a kid. I was good at studying solving the textbooks beforehand, doing homework at school, acing tests. My mom used to cry and tell me that I'm the only hope she have now and I need to study and get a good job to take of her and my sibling.
Grade 2-3 I make friends. We used to play all day after school. For some reason I didn't like coming back home. Maybe it had to do with the fact my mom punished me for coming back after the sun has set. And I used to hide in narrow streets, my uncles and cousins looked for me while I watched them hidden right in front of the house.
During 3rd grade I kind of had a crush and I used to watch a lot of romantic movies. So I start to talk with this girl and her mom was my 2nd grade teacher and that woman hated me. Now I thought I might develop friendship with her and used to stay after school to play with her and after that walked home with her. Because her house was before mine.
Now I'm in 4th grade and my mom finished her studies and decided to become a teacher. And my grandmother and grandfather pestered her alot about her breaking the marriage being a burden and things but she pushed through. Someone put the idea into her mind that if she gets back together with my father it'll be all good. She's all religious and took me to our equivalent of church we've been going here everyday no breaks no Sunday. She just sat there praying and crying while I say there wondering why are we doing this.
This was the year where mom joined my school as a teacher. And this same year the people whom I thought we my friends outed that I had a crush on that girl who told her mom who obviously hated me. Who then called my mom and verbally abused her about how bad of a child I am. There was also an incident where I told that girl that I'll kill her because she kept stealing my crayons and the teachers shouted at me and said they'll report me to the police.(I was in the third grade) And her mom talked with my mom and stuff.
During 5th grade I was the best student of my class. Extracurricular activities, studying, everything. My mom sent me for religious studies and made me join tuition right before it so I had to go tuition 30 min then leave in a hurry.
Where the religious teacher berated me for not coming regularly or early. So I'm atheist now kinda. And that girl came here to study too and everyone there teased her with my name. So she didn't talk or even look at me. It was somewhere between this and 4th grade where she came to talk to me when i was at a grocery store and she punched my back and I was angry with her so I slapped her and she walked away crying. Couldn't apologize because she already left.
I left that school and started 6th grade in a nearby school. It was okay, my grades dropped from 90+ to 88.
And they kept dropping in 7th grade it came to 85-86. And then my mom had a brilliant idea of marrying my father again. The same guy she claimed to be torturing her with his authority. And then after telling her multiple times to not do it she said it is for my children's future. And she got married and we left that state and are now living with my father.
Did I mention my mother used to beat me for not studying or not obeying her? She used to verbally abuse me and say things like if you(age 3) would've listened to me I wouldn't be divorced.
8th grade We come to this new city and all my friends are gone. New home, people I don't know, new school again. I became fat and depressed. Started disobeying my parents. But not out right fighting just now. My grades come down to 80-82. Then COVID hits. And my father transfers to another city. New school again but online classes.
9th grade. Made 2-3 friends still depressed af. And during this time I look at myself see that I'm nothing. I have nothing I have no future. Still make it to 10th grade. Fights were still mild.
10th grade
But this time it gets worse. I'm more suicidal I'm fighting with mother all the time. For small reasons she says things that I can't forget and then I remember all the trauma I'm holding. All the beatings all those times I cried myself to sleep thinking why don't I have a normal family. I fight almost everyday because my mom and dad fight(they fought because mostly my mom thinks he's cheating on her, she still thinks this because someone told her he was cheating and tried to frame her instead. She used to watch him through windows and record neighbours she was fucking psyco she used to note time when the neighbour woman came to the roof to mop the floor **like wtf**) and because she made so much stupid remarks like oh you must like that woman very much they fight and he says like you were any different you whore and pulled out court papers about how she cheated and stuff. She cries about how I'm changed ever since we came here and how I'm a bad person I'll go to hell. She'll kill me, she'll not let me become a criminal. She gets physical alot so I grab her hands and say hit me and I'll send you to a fucking hospital and she starts all that stupid shit. About how I'm doing this for "that girl"(the one during 3-5th grade) and her mom(that teacher) was right about me.
This was the same year I found out my best friend was in a situationship with that girl and he never told me he had a crush on her before me. I tried to get them together but she didn't wanna do it when he wanted to and he didn't wanna when she wanted to. I apologized to her for slapping her that day because my friend told me that she said I bullied her. And when I asked her if she remembers playing or going home or even talking with me and she says no. She even said I never considered you my friend. THAT HIT HARD. And I told her I didn't had a crush on her before and I don't have it now.
11th grade and we still fight and she keeps bringing girls into it. Random names and act like I know them. You're standing in front of God he'll be the judge you're fighting with me to be with that girl. YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID? She said if you bring a girl of different religion I'm gonna kill you. Like bruh we were talking about you not changing the curtain how did you escalate it to that.
I swear at her for the first time in my life and see all that drama unfold. My dad is a fucking asshole too. All his bro n sis were divorced except for one sis who still hates her husband. He paid for his nephew's full education. While I couldn't even ask for a single cent.
This year I was fed up with everything he even locked me out of the house once. And I sat on the roof for the whole night. I wanted to kill myself but the ropes broke. I couldn't drown myself and I didn't have enough balls to jump from the roof because it wasn't that high. I kept starving until I became skinny. People who I didn't meet for long thought I was someone else. 75 to 60 is a lot of weight loss all by starvation.
Now I'm in 12th and we still fought sometimes. I was really bad at studying because of all the suicide and not good enough environment to study. my grade for 11th was 54% now I'm scared what I'll get this year. I want to run away and shit but where? how? What will I eat? What will I do? How will I work? I'm not fighting with my mom nowadays because I'm tired of her bs. And I'm also tired of their partial behaviour. I was posting on a random forum and met an interesting person there. And once I posted my @ and that person made an account specially to talk with me. And after talking for a month. That person became my gf. She lives in another country and doesn't call much. Our currency are so different in values I'm really poor. So I can't meet her anytime soon. I started smoking and drinking underage but I'm 18 now. I have quit smoking. And trying to get better but sometimes when even my gf feels distant it hurts me. I saved money for 4 months to send her a gift(earrings) but she refused to give me her address. And that hurt me so bad I cried for 3 hours straight. She never gave me a good reason and I question myself if she even loves me. Safe to say suicide isn't the that is on my mind nowadays.
If you did end up reading all that I'm grateful you gave me so much of your time. And I'll love to answer any of your questions. I'm new here so I'd like to make some friends too.
And in between of the current session I enter this new school where on my first day I got bullied because I bad mouthed a kid. I was good at studying solving the textbooks beforehand, doing homework at school, acing tests. My mom used to cry and tell me that I'm the only hope she have now and I need to study and get a good job to take of her and my sibling.
Grade 2-3 I make friends. We used to play all day after school. For some reason I didn't like coming back home. Maybe it had to do with the fact my mom punished me for coming back after the sun has set. And I used to hide in narrow streets, my uncles and cousins looked for me while I watched them hidden right in front of the house.
During 3rd grade I kind of had a crush and I used to watch a lot of romantic movies. So I start to talk with this girl and her mom was my 2nd grade teacher and that woman hated me. Now I thought I might develop friendship with her and used to stay after school to play with her and after that walked home with her. Because her house was before mine.
Now I'm in 4th grade and my mom finished her studies and decided to become a teacher. And my grandmother and grandfather pestered her alot about her breaking the marriage being a burden and things but she pushed through. Someone put the idea into her mind that if she gets back together with my father it'll be all good. She's all religious and took me to our equivalent of church we've been going here everyday no breaks no Sunday. She just sat there praying and crying while I say there wondering why are we doing this.
This was the year where mom joined my school as a teacher. And this same year the people whom I thought we my friends outed that I had a crush on that girl who told her mom who obviously hated me. Who then called my mom and verbally abused her about how bad of a child I am. There was also an incident where I told that girl that I'll kill her because she kept stealing my crayons and the teachers shouted at me and said they'll report me to the police.(I was in the third grade) And her mom talked with my mom and stuff.
During 5th grade I was the best student of my class. Extracurricular activities, studying, everything. My mom sent me for religious studies and made me join tuition right before it so I had to go tuition 30 min then leave in a hurry.
Where the religious teacher berated me for not coming regularly or early. So I'm atheist now kinda. And that girl came here to study too and everyone there teased her with my name. So she didn't talk or even look at me. It was somewhere between this and 4th grade where she came to talk to me when i was at a grocery store and she punched my back and I was angry with her so I slapped her and she walked away crying. Couldn't apologize because she already left.
I left that school and started 6th grade in a nearby school. It was okay, my grades dropped from 90+ to 88.
And they kept dropping in 7th grade it came to 85-86. And then my mom had a brilliant idea of marrying my father again. The same guy she claimed to be torturing her with his authority. And then after telling her multiple times to not do it she said it is for my children's future. And she got married and we left that state and are now living with my father.
Did I mention my mother used to beat me for not studying or not obeying her? She used to verbally abuse me and say things like if you(age 3) would've listened to me I wouldn't be divorced.
8th grade We come to this new city and all my friends are gone. New home, people I don't know, new school again. I became fat and depressed. Started disobeying my parents. But not out right fighting just now. My grades come down to 80-82. Then COVID hits. And my father transfers to another city. New school again but online classes.
9th grade. Made 2-3 friends still depressed af. And during this time I look at myself see that I'm nothing. I have nothing I have no future. Still make it to 10th grade. Fights were still mild.
10th grade
But this time it gets worse. I'm more suicidal I'm fighting with mother all the time. For small reasons she says things that I can't forget and then I remember all the trauma I'm holding. All the beatings all those times I cried myself to sleep thinking why don't I have a normal family. I fight almost everyday because my mom and dad fight(they fought because mostly my mom thinks he's cheating on her, she still thinks this because someone told her he was cheating and tried to frame her instead. She used to watch him through windows and record neighbours she was fucking psyco she used to note time when the neighbour woman came to the roof to mop the floor **like wtf**) and because she made so much stupid remarks like oh you must like that woman very much they fight and he says like you were any different you whore and pulled out court papers about how she cheated and stuff. She cries about how I'm changed ever since we came here and how I'm a bad person I'll go to hell. She'll kill me, she'll not let me become a criminal. She gets physical alot so I grab her hands and say hit me and I'll send you to a fucking hospital and she starts all that stupid shit. About how I'm doing this for "that girl"(the one during 3-5th grade) and her mom(that teacher) was right about me.
This was the same year I found out my best friend was in a situationship with that girl and he never told me he had a crush on her before me. I tried to get them together but she didn't wanna do it when he wanted to and he didn't wanna when she wanted to. I apologized to her for slapping her that day because my friend told me that she said I bullied her. And when I asked her if she remembers playing or going home or even talking with me and she says no. She even said I never considered you my friend. THAT HIT HARD. And I told her I didn't had a crush on her before and I don't have it now.
11th grade and we still fight and she keeps bringing girls into it. Random names and act like I know them. You're standing in front of God he'll be the judge you're fighting with me to be with that girl. YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID? She said if you bring a girl of different religion I'm gonna kill you. Like bruh we were talking about you not changing the curtain how did you escalate it to that.
I swear at her for the first time in my life and see all that drama unfold. My dad is a fucking asshole too. All his bro n sis were divorced except for one sis who still hates her husband. He paid for his nephew's full education. While I couldn't even ask for a single cent.
This year I was fed up with everything he even locked me out of the house once. And I sat on the roof for the whole night. I wanted to kill myself but the ropes broke. I couldn't drown myself and I didn't have enough balls to jump from the roof because it wasn't that high. I kept starving until I became skinny. People who I didn't meet for long thought I was someone else. 75 to 60 is a lot of weight loss all by starvation.
Now I'm in 12th and we still fought sometimes. I was really bad at studying because of all the suicide and not good enough environment to study. my grade for 11th was 54% now I'm scared what I'll get this year. I want to run away and shit but where? how? What will I eat? What will I do? How will I work? I'm not fighting with my mom nowadays because I'm tired of her bs. And I'm also tired of their partial behaviour. I was posting on a random forum and met an interesting person there. And once I posted my @ and that person made an account specially to talk with me. And after talking for a month. That person became my gf. She lives in another country and doesn't call much. Our currency are so different in values I'm really poor. So I can't meet her anytime soon. I started smoking and drinking underage but I'm 18 now. I have quit smoking. And trying to get better but sometimes when even my gf feels distant it hurts me. I saved money for 4 months to send her a gift(earrings) but she refused to give me her address. And that hurt me so bad I cried for 3 hours straight. She never gave me a good reason and I question myself if she even loves me. Safe to say suicide isn't the that is on my mind nowadays.
If you did end up reading all that I'm grateful you gave me so much of your time. And I'll love to answer any of your questions. I'm new here so I'd like to make some friends too.
