What did I do wrong?

[awen]

I already had a few people I could talk to, which was enough for me. But this guy suddenly came into my life. We strangely got close and started to get more comfortable talking to each other. One day we made some jokes about sex. I didn't take it really seriously but that night he messaged me and he was apparently having some private time to himself. I just went along with it. Until he was sexually pleased. And after that he thanked me and slept I felt really weird. Later I saw a picture of him with his ex which he is still close to. I think they met up the day before. I felt awful. Like I was his plaything. I mean I didn't have a problem with it if it was a friend-with-benefits situation. But sometimes he gets jealous of my relationships with my past friends. And the thing is I feel like they still have something with his ex and feel bad for the ex. After a few times, it just turned into this relationship where he meets with his girl in the daytime and after 12 a.m. starts texting me more and asking for dirty talk. He says that he loves me for stuff that I do. But I'm not sure if I do. I like him as a friend (I don't have many friends) but I feel like I'm being used. The more I think about this I feel like a teenager. It feels corny and annoying. I'm not the right person for this.
All I want is to have friends that I can write to once in a while. I don't want anything more yet my every single relationship ends up weird and unhealthy. What do I do wrong?

 

[vitbar]

Not really sure you did anything wrong. Not enough info. There are a lot of creeps out there sadly too. I know I can be vulnerable to people who take advantage. Struggle to say no, to establish healthy boundaries. Attracts those kind of people. This is just projection though as I don't know you.

 

[obligatoryshackles]

I guess if you're dead set on finding something you did wrong it would have to be going along with the sex talk? I wouldn't consider that as you doing anything wrong personally, but if that wasn't what you wanted it might have been better to not play along with that. Guys very much have a tendency to crush on any girl that they get along with (source: me) so if they try to leave the nature of the relationship ambiguous it can help to clarify your lack of romantic interest early on instead of risking waiting for them to confess in some weird halfway manner. It's not that simple of course, and I imagine not wanting to ruin the relationship played a role in that too so it would be hard to criticize you for doing that. It's good to want to hold on to positive relationships.

As vitbar has said, knowing how to set healthy boundaries is a good skill to develop. There should be some good resources online for that kind of thing, though I'm not personally well versed enough myself to make any serious recommendations (maybe try Dr. K?).

 

[awen]

Thank you ig I really need to learn to set some boundaries, I have never been in a serious relationship and I lack many social skills so I need to improve. Anyways I will be checking Dr.K?

 

[obligatoryshackles]

Good luck! I think you're already doing great - becoming aware that there is a problem is a huge first step and one that many people unfortunately don't reach even as they continue to struggle.

 

[mistknight]

I'm a man and every relationship with a girl turned weird on me. It either stops or evolves into something unhealthy and borders sexual. I have a religious Muslim male friend who does not talk to women at all. I ask him why and he says because they can't be friends. He says if he talks to a girl he must be considering marriage. I'm trying to learn about Islam and sometimes I feel I agree that men and women just can't be friends. Islam considers this world a trial, faulty by design, so people who are crying over it and over the disappointments in it do so because they do not acknowledge its faulty nature. It says that the real life is what occurs after death, granted you die following Islam as a way of life. Otherwise, eternal hell

 

[F&Inside]

Hello awen. I'm sorry this happened to you, it's sad. Definitely a real friend does not do those things. It is very childish and rude behavior on his part. On top of that, he seems jealous, this looks bad. Seems like he's the kind of brat to avoid. I hope you find friends with more maturity and what is really worth it.

 

[FeyB]

ya did nothing wrong. Awen, you saw something most of my friends irl either realize late in the relationship or just don't realize at all. If you want to still talk to him I suggest you set bounderies with him but don't do it cause you don't have friends. First of all it's better to be alone than in an abusive relationship evein in friendship. Second i'm sure there's someone who want's you the entire day, not just the night.
I'm sure you'll handle this well

 

[Forever Sleep]

Sounds to me like most of this is being initiated by him and you just felt maybe too embarassed to stop it, so you just went along with it. I don't think you did anything wrong as such- although you're obviously feeling now like you wish you'd put a stop to things before now. I hope you can introduce some boundaries and still keep this guy as a friend- if that's what you want. I think it's perfectly fair enough to say you simply don't feel comfortable when your conversations become too sexual. So- you value him as a friend but no more and you just don't feel good talking about this stuff. He ought to respect that. If he doesn't and keeps pushing, then I think you need to think about what kind of guy he really is.

 

[onceinthefuturewas]

I don't think you did anything wrong. If you feel uncomfortable talking to this guy then either set boundaries or if he becomes more aggressive cut of contact or something. Sometimes you have to cut some people off to make way for actually good relationships. If you want to stay with this guy because you don't have friends, I am here and the whole forum is here no worries

 

[awen]

Thanks to all of you, I told him how I felt today and he said to me that he is no longer with his ex and only had to meet her because of their course? together. He also told me that he loved me more than a friend and wanted to be closer to me. But I said that I loved him so much but as a friend and didn't want to continue on like this. Now I feel awful.

But at least I got that out of my chest.

 

[SexyIncél]

Hey, you done good! Indeed, it's reasonable to view him as using you (in a way you'd rather not be), and you responded to him reasonably. And he's got people anyway