Venting What do you do when your family loves you?

[pumpkinpie]

Just the thought of my mom being so heartbroken over me dying makes me bawl my eyes out. I love her so, so much and I truly wish this was enough for me to live a happy life but unfortunately it isn't. And I know that she loves me so much too. I can see the pain in her eyes every time I tell her how much I want to die and how unhappy I am, she's always there for me and she has been right by my side with this for so many years now.
I wish she could just hold me and everything would just be fine like back when I was a child. I wish I could convince myself that no one cares and leave this shitty place but I can't, it hurts so much. It feels like I'm letting everyone down who I dragged through years of worry and sorrow, they all did it for nothing.

TbhI feel nothing but grief when I think about life. There are all these things you're being promised and told about this world and for me at least, throughout my adult life (approaching 27) I had to slowly but surely find out year after year that life is so different than this open world life sim everyone promised to us when we were kids. It makes me so sad especially since I truly believe that we all have it in us to make life truly a miracle. It's such a shame and it's so heartbreaking.

Sorry for this vent, I just wrote inside my journal but there is still so much going on inside my head that I wanted to share. I know we all have that one reason why we're here but I still hope you have a lovely day. Please be nice to yourself and others ily

 

[Jadeith]

Sorry for this vent

Don't be. After all this place is considered a safe place to do so.
And yes, we somewhat share that reason. Can't leave before my parents do. That would be most cruel act i can think of and they do not deserve that.

 

[pumpkinpie]

Don't be. After all this place is considered a safe place to do so.
And yes, we somewhat share that reason. Can't leave before my parents do. That would be most cruel act i can think of and they do not deserve that.

That's what I'm saying. They really don't deserve losing a child and to suicide at that, it's one of the worst things that could happen to a parent I imagine. But I'm really happy I'm not alone with these conflicting feelings

 

[Jadeith]

it's one of the worst things that could happen to a parent I imagine

It depends on a parent really. Some people here want to kill themselves strictly because of their abusive parents. But you and i have our "anchors" to this world in form of those who sired us here.

 

[Ashes of a Dreamer]

Speak with them openly about your death wishes. Is it enough to get rid of them? No. But you gave them a chance to help you, at least. And, in the end, if you decide to die, they will understand somehow, if their love wasn't selfish.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Just the thought of my mom being so heartbroken over me dying makes me bawl my eyes out. I love her so, so much and I truly wish this was enough for me to live a happy life but unfortunately it isn't. And I know that she loves me so much too. I can see the pain in her eyes every time I tell her how much I want to die and how unhappy I am, she's always there for me and she has been right by my side with this for so many years now.
I wish she could just hold me and everything would just be fine like back when I was a child. I wish I could convince myself that no one cares and leave this shitty place but I can't, it hurts so much. It feels like I'm letting everyone down who I dragged through years of worry and sorrow, they all did it for nothing.

TbhI feel nothing but grief when I think about life. There are all these things you're being promised and told about this world and for me at least, throughout my adult life (approaching 27) I had to slowly but surely find out year after year that life is so different than this open world life sim everyone promised to us when we were kids. It makes me so sad especially since I truly believe that we all have it in us to make life truly a miracle. It's such a shame and it's so heartbreaking.

Sorry for this vent, I just wrote inside my journal but there is still so much going on inside my head that I wanted to share. I know we all have that one reason why we're here but I still hope you have a lovely day. Please be nice to yourself and others ily

I wish I had an answer I'm trying to figure out the opposite what happens when your "family" doesn't.

 

[_D_]

You can wait for them to die, or do something unforgivable that makes them accept you killing yourself.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I have a very hard time with this too. I've decided that when I do attempt again it will be in a place where my family will not be the ones to find me. I feel like that is the least I can do for them.

 

[Deleted member 94706]

think about how much i hate myself and that i will never be happy and also that i am a shit person and i won't forgive myself ever

 

[Eudaimonic]

Speak with them openly about your death wishes. Is it enough to get rid of them? No. But you gave them a chance to help you, at least. And, in the end, if you decide to die, they will understand somehow, if their love wasn't selfish.

I don't recommend this, speaking as someone who at one point had their parents find out about their suicidality. I think this may only fuel any guilt they feel after the fact. It's unfortunate and I wish this were not the case - but, in no small part due to the society we live in, it is.

 

[toxicjester]

It makes me really upset. Because their love just isn't enough to make me want to stay. My relationship with my mom is really difficult at times. Sometimes I'm so weak I cry in front of her because of my issues. Other times she calls me ugly and says I need to light a fire under my ass. I really wish she felt more like my mom, maybe then I wouldn't want to go so bad.

I'm sorry that this is something you're struggling with. I wish I could help and give advice like other people have but I'm going through it heavy and don't think I could say anything good. Best of luck to you, in whatever you do

 

[danny10]

I can totally relate to this. I love my mum and I love my 1 year old daughter. I would never wanna hurt them. Right now I'm living life for them but I am not sure how long I can keep this up. It feels like I'm stuck, I don't wanna hurt them so I don't CTB. But living is a torture each day. What do I do???

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel the same way, except about my Dad. My Mum died when I was young. I pretty much know I can't do it to him. Of course, it's nice to have their love and appreciation but I feel the same. It doesn't help me live day to day. All I can say is I feel the same and, I'm sorry.

 

[Ashes of a Dreamer]

I don't recommend this, speaking as someone who at one point had their parents find out about their suicidality. I think this may only fuel any guilt they feel after the fact. It's unfortunate and I wish this were not the case - but, in no small part due to the society we live in, it is.

The guilt will come anyway, I guess, once it's a part of the mourning process. However, if someone is sure to commit suicide, the best is to avoid these comments on meals with family ×.×

 

[Michi_Violeta]

My mother has been for several years now the only reason why I haven't ctb. When I traveled to study my master's abroad she made me promise I would come back, her way of saying "Please, don't kill yourself now that you'll be living on your own". I've tried, I've really tried to make myself and my life better, but she's seen how the things that matter to me and make me happy are always out of my reach. Right now I'm feeling better, a bit more stable physically and mentally, but I just have no goals, no will to live. My ex and something else very important to me, the two words in my username, took away the last bit of hope I had.

I've told my mother about how I feel. She's so sweet and empathic. She's just the best. She raised me all by herself and she doesn't deserve this. I've done my best, she says she's proud of me, but I don't feel I can go on. Not without my ex, not without my dreams, not without hope. She has said that she'd "go" immediately after I do, last week she said she'll ask God to take her first so I can take my decision. I felt terrible, guilty, like the worst son possible. She gave me everything, I did my best, and all life gave me was disappointment, heartbreak, and hopelessness. Even now as I type this I feel a bit more stable, but then I think: "Nothing changed in the last 10 years, no matter how hard you tried. What makes you think it'll be better now?

Madre, si algún día encuentras estos mensajes, nunca fue culpa tuya. Eres la mejor madre del mundo. Es culpa de un mundo demasiado cruel donde tu hijo no encontró su lugar fuera de tu hogar.
(Mother if you find these messages one day, it was never your fault. You're the best mother in the world. A world too cruel is to blame, one where your son couldn't find his place outside your home)

 

[failedmind]

i feel like i couldve written this myself. my mom is the reason i havent ctb'd, but i know i will do it this year. shes my best friend. it eats me alive. she's going to be so heartbroken and destroyed. i wish i didnt have to, but i know i do. i cant stick around any longer, there's just no way. youre not alone. i wish it wasnt so difficult.

 

[Epilogue]

I get that. The only reason I haven't ctb'd is my parents. They're too kind to me. Can't break them. So I'll just have to wait it out, either till my bucket list and patience runs out or they die of old age. I don't think I can ever bring myself to tell them I plan to ctb. Don't want to hurt them anymore than I already have.

And don't worry about venting, this is a place for us to say what we want without fear of being silenced or judged. Use it well and use it a lot.

 

[foreverstardust]

I completely relate, my aunt fostered me as a teenager and is the first and only person who has ever told me that I'm loved. She has been there through previous attempts and it hurt her so much, I remember the last time I opened up about how I was feeling she would sleep next to me all night so that I wasn't alone. I am her world and she would do anything for me and I know this, I never doubt that she loves me but it still doesn't stop me from wanting to just not be here. Everyday for decades now has been a struggle to just get out of bed, there has been no happiness or excitement and I am so detached from life itself, even though I've done everything right and gone through all the treatment I can. The idea of having to keep doing this for another possibly 20/30 years is agonising, but I know that if I do ctb she would never recover. She would be completely alone, my mum would probably blame her, and I know she would never forgive herself.