What do you guys do about parents?

[thatonefurryguy]

Hey all, I have already decided that I want to CTB and already severed my connections to all of my friends, so most of them won't even notice that im gone, I just don't know what to do about my parents... I really don't want to hurt them, but I don't think I can live another 20 years so they pass from old age so I can be gone. I can't make them hate me on purpose, since they would realize why I did it when I'm gone and obviously hurting them isn't an option. I was also thinking about joining the military, since I live next to ukraine, but the point is not causing them any pain from my passing and that would still hurt them. Maybe if I disappeared peacefully with my body never found would be better? But the hope of me still being alive I'm not sure its better... And I mean, I'm not planning to go before my cat anyway, since she is the only thing that matters to me and is truly worth living for... What do you guys do if you still have loving parents and don't want to cause any pain?

 

[whitenoise-]

i would imagine disappearing would be just as bad, especially with them having the slight hope of you still being alive and not having any closure :( i can't offer much since i have the same problem, as my relationship with my parents had been strained for a while, but it's gotten a little better in the past few years. i'm thinking of doing what i can to give them closure, like writing a note so they understand it's not their fault or trying to have good final moments together so they have something positive to remember me by. other than that, i don't know what else to do other than accept that even if it takes them time, they'll eventually understand and eventually move on

 

[locked*n*loaded]

For anyone who has a loving relationship with their parents, there's really nothing you'd be able to do to try and "soften the blow" to them brought about by a child's death, no matter how they died.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi. I apologise for the rant, but I find this important and I know you do too.

What you just summarized in that paragraph is the single one thing I've thought most about for the past 6 years, probably in my life. That exact thought process. Exactly like that. So first of all; I understand how you feel.

What you described is a prison made out of love and humanity, an anchor to life, and it's a hellish state of existence, I know. But also, the fact that while suffering so much that you are considering your own death, you are not just even but principally concerned about the long lasting pain that would cause on those you love... it just shows you are an extremely caring and empathetic person, even if you may not think so. You are, and you carry great value and a weary kindness. And I'm sorry it has brought you here, but I'm glad you are sharing it.

That out of the way (but it IS very important that you acknowledge it, if you haven't), What can be done about it? Truth is, Little. It does not fix itself. Like you, I've purposefully alienated friends so they'd forget about me and wouldn't miss me, many times, even as of right now. With parents, that don't work.
Eventually and inevitably, out of sheer pain, you crash land on the "faking a disappearance" plan, a perfect suicide, a Fantasy. Cos that's what it is, and it can eat your mind up. I thought of it like those olimpic divers that hit the water without a splash, without a ripple of pain on their way out. Just perfect.
It. does. not. work. tho. :/
I've planned it many times, been very close to it. Almost left notes like "Bye loved ones, for I have joined the circus and will never be back. Please think of me as living my best life out there" (with a better alibi duh), packed things to make it believable, and even arranged it so that letters would arrive yearly saying how great I'm doing and how very much alive I still was. I have mapped wells no one ever uses.
And yet, I've also spent a lot of time in suicide bereavement and grief forums. Places where parents of children that died to suicide mourn and express just how much pain that leaves behind. It's a cold knife, if you can take their word, and in most cases it just does not go away, it can only get barely easier. I also asked and did some polls about whether they'd prefer their children had just disappeared, like our plan, if it would be even marginally better, at least less painful, if the loving hope can compensate that lack of closure. Overwhelmingly, they said no. They'd much """""""prefer""""""" to know...

So that plan's out. It doesn't mean it won't present itself once in a while, tempting, but knowing it wouldn't even serve the purpose you initially thought it for... it's wasted effort. On the other hand, plain public cbt... you know it's just as bad then, and bad does not do justice to the pain it inflicts. No solution either. No way out of that this way.
And so, you are left in a limbo of tremendous suffering of your own you can't escape from, not through death, not without passing it on to the people that love you and you love most. You know this. Condemned to suffer and wither till you either lose all humanity and empathy and die by sheer impulse (which I'm terrified of), or if that does not happen, live miserably for perhaps decades in an even worsening state waiting for those around you to die so you can follow...
I'd say that whole experience right there is a layer of hell.
It is not sustainable, not a good prospect for the future, and no one wants that.

Of course, there is another way out of that pain. The "good one". The "stay in this shithole one". Live life, or learn to do so, or stumble doing so, or accidentaly do smth sort of that. Love those you love so much you are incapable of dying due to them, cherish them instead of waiting for them to go, in full. Get all the help you can, professional if possible. Suffer like a maniac. Put that pain into good use until it lessens.
I can't ask all that from you, I know that in the state you and often I find ourselves it's so incredibly hard to scrap even the minimum amount of energy, and there is an overwhelming dread and pain to life that has brought us here. But I can encourage you though. I Am trying myself. It is a lot harder than planning the perfect suicide, but it is the only real way out of the pain that does not pass it onto others. That is hard to accept and, again, harder to follow through. I hope you can do so, or get a little closer to it, if possible.

Hope this wasn't too preachy, I'm just going through this myself, have been for a long time. Regardless of what you do, love your family while you can. Also give your cat a scratch, they do save lives.
Take care <33333

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do hope to hang on until my Dad goes first. I'm already mid forties though. Still, I've had ideation for 35 years- to varying intensities.

Sometimes, when I feel like I can't cope, I toy with telling him. To try and explain that the kindest thing to do would be to be relieved for me- if I was able to CTB. I feel like- at least if the shock of it was gone, that would be something. I think that would still be massively distressing for him though.

I'm not so sure that disappearing makes it easier on families. I think sometimes the reverse is true- where they just long for closure- even if it's bad news. Bear in mind, they could feasibly consider murder and kidnap too. Plus, police often take close interest in families in disappearances seeing as homicides are often committed by people known to the victim.