N
noname223
Archangel
- Aug 18, 2020
- 5,426
Does it comfort you? Does it ease the pain when a loved one dies? Is it a good feeling to know that all humans are equal in their eventual fate? Is death an equalizer? No matter how rich or beutiful you are or were (beauty often is taken by aging considering common beauty standards) we all share our transcience.
Personally, it does not comfort me much. You only have one shot. This one experience and mine is a complete shit show.
Some people make fun of billionaires when they die enjoying their money in extraordinary ways. There is this schadenfreude. But maybe that's unrelated.
I don't feel comforted when a loved one dies because most of my loved ones don't want to die. Or they feel forced to die.
The fact we all die eventually does not make my current pain a lot more endurable. Somewhat but not enough. I rather have the feeling I fantasize daily to kill myself. I am like in a hamster wheel. All options I have are horrendous. I fantasize about miracles that could save me.
Two therapists have given up on me and think I gonna kill myself because my life quality is shit and I will have to endure poverty. I wonder whether I actually have what it takes to kill myself. I have SN stored under my bed at least.
I never attempted in a serious way. I tried partial a little bit and stood at the floor of a 7 stock building. Killing yourself is extremely hard. However, I think I could overcome my survivial instinct. I have experienced extreme insane pain. Mentally and in a psychosomatic way. The latter one felt like I was torn apart. It happened after my last psychosis/ after my last mania. The pain was so extreme that I am quite convinced I could kill myself when I face it again. I think it depends on the individual how much pain they can take. I think I swallowed a lot but I have my limits. I can remember the worst night in my life. I had major depression for quite some months. extremely strong psychosomatic pain in my legs (also for quite some months) and I had an anal fissure from the medication I took (conspitation). I know it is embarrassing. So I went to this doctor with my anal fissure I told them I take medication I am not sure whether I am allowed to take pain killers. And he operated my ass without pain killers. I still had conspitation and had to go to the toilet at home. The pain was insane. Especially combined with the mental and psychosomatic anguish. I cried the whole night. This is not exaggeration. I walked in my apartment all night without break. I could not handle the pain. I don't have words to describe it. If I had have a method I would be dead since. My mom was just annoyed I did not stop crying. Why did noone give me fucking pain killers? I am not sure whether I was given them.
I am pretty sure if similar pain repeats and a new crash after mania only seems to be a matter of time I think I could kill myself. Based on my past experiences I think I know that I have limits of pain. And when these limits get crossed I become acute suicidal. There are not many rational arguments for going through another crash. However, I am not very impulsive. The main thing that stopped me from attempting was the possiblity of damage. Personally, I think SN is less dangerous in this instance compared to my other methods that I considered.
The fact that I never attempted and that noone in my family has committed suicide lets me question whether I am really determined enough. The fact how much pain I will face after a new crash nudges me in a different direction though. I am dating a woman currently. In the past I had so many love delusions and it ruined everything. It did not ruin it with her. However, since our third date I turn sort of manic. We have not even kissed each other yet. I think a new manic epsiode could be the final nail in my coffin. It would be ironic if getting the thing I always wanted, a romantic relationship would actually drive me to commit suicide. Honestly, I fully expect a cynical end like this one for my life. There has happened so much incredibly cynical shit. If I get getting this manic I also can forget college. I even consider to make another hiatus semester. I think I could not go to college and date her at the same time. Yes, I am this ill. Let's be real I cannot work anyway.
Personally, it does not comfort me much. You only have one shot. This one experience and mine is a complete shit show.
Some people make fun of billionaires when they die enjoying their money in extraordinary ways. There is this schadenfreude. But maybe that's unrelated.
I don't feel comforted when a loved one dies because most of my loved ones don't want to die. Or they feel forced to die.
The fact we all die eventually does not make my current pain a lot more endurable. Somewhat but not enough. I rather have the feeling I fantasize daily to kill myself. I am like in a hamster wheel. All options I have are horrendous. I fantasize about miracles that could save me.
Two therapists have given up on me and think I gonna kill myself because my life quality is shit and I will have to endure poverty. I wonder whether I actually have what it takes to kill myself. I have SN stored under my bed at least.
I never attempted in a serious way. I tried partial a little bit and stood at the floor of a 7 stock building. Killing yourself is extremely hard. However, I think I could overcome my survivial instinct. I have experienced extreme insane pain. Mentally and in a psychosomatic way. The latter one felt like I was torn apart. It happened after my last psychosis/ after my last mania. The pain was so extreme that I am quite convinced I could kill myself when I face it again. I think it depends on the individual how much pain they can take. I think I swallowed a lot but I have my limits. I can remember the worst night in my life. I had major depression for quite some months. extremely strong psychosomatic pain in my legs (also for quite some months) and I had an anal fissure from the medication I took (conspitation). I know it is embarrassing. So I went to this doctor with my anal fissure I told them I take medication I am not sure whether I am allowed to take pain killers. And he operated my ass without pain killers. I still had conspitation and had to go to the toilet at home. The pain was insane. Especially combined with the mental and psychosomatic anguish. I cried the whole night. This is not exaggeration. I walked in my apartment all night without break. I could not handle the pain. I don't have words to describe it. If I had have a method I would be dead since. My mom was just annoyed I did not stop crying. Why did noone give me fucking pain killers? I am not sure whether I was given them.
I am pretty sure if similar pain repeats and a new crash after mania only seems to be a matter of time I think I could kill myself. Based on my past experiences I think I know that I have limits of pain. And when these limits get crossed I become acute suicidal. There are not many rational arguments for going through another crash. However, I am not very impulsive. The main thing that stopped me from attempting was the possiblity of damage. Personally, I think SN is less dangerous in this instance compared to my other methods that I considered.
The fact that I never attempted and that noone in my family has committed suicide lets me question whether I am really determined enough. The fact how much pain I will face after a new crash nudges me in a different direction though. I am dating a woman currently. In the past I had so many love delusions and it ruined everything. It did not ruin it with her. However, since our third date I turn sort of manic. We have not even kissed each other yet. I think a new manic epsiode could be the final nail in my coffin. It would be ironic if getting the thing I always wanted, a romantic relationship would actually drive me to commit suicide. Honestly, I fully expect a cynical end like this one for my life. There has happened so much incredibly cynical shit. If I get getting this manic I also can forget college. I even consider to make another hiatus semester. I think I could not go to college and date her at the same time. Yes, I am this ill. Let's be real I cannot work anyway.