Hello, new guy here. [Not a english-speaker, sorry for the grammar]
It's kind hard for me to write this because I don't really know what to say. I've been heavilly depressed for almost two decades. Usually with that physical, deep pain that make people cut themselves, fatigue all the time, lack of interest in anything or anyone. Can't stay on the same job for more than a month cause I can't pay atention to nothing for more than 10secs. Have insomnia and when I manage to sleep I have nightmares. I'm not the kind of person who talks about my feelings and stuff, so therapy was never an option for me. All this shit made me change and I lost my friends too. Living alone, I barelly talk to people, I'm on a point that I literally can count how many words I've said the whole day. And this post have more words than I spoke on the entire last week.
Tried a lot of meds, they make me worse. I do exercise, have a relative good alimentation, have hobbies, nothing works. I don't want to die, but I wake by the morning thinking about suicide, go to bed at night with the same thoughs. And I don't fear it anymore. Everytime a take "the decision" I feel a huge relief, a type of peace that I cant describe. But it goes away as soon as I realize I won't do it. The only thing I never tried is a romantic relationship, I don't want to put this weight on someone else's shoulders because I know what it's like to carry it.
Anyone have any suggestion? Anyway, thanks for reading this.
It's kind hard for me to write this because I don't really know what to say. I've been heavilly depressed for almost two decades. Usually with that physical, deep pain that make people cut themselves, fatigue all the time, lack of interest in anything or anyone. Can't stay on the same job for more than a month cause I can't pay atention to nothing for more than 10secs. Have insomnia and when I manage to sleep I have nightmares. I'm not the kind of person who talks about my feelings and stuff, so therapy was never an option for me. All this shit made me change and I lost my friends too. Living alone, I barelly talk to people, I'm on a point that I literally can count how many words I've said the whole day. And this post have more words than I spoke on the entire last week.
Tried a lot of meds, they make me worse. I do exercise, have a relative good alimentation, have hobbies, nothing works. I don't want to die, but I wake by the morning thinking about suicide, go to bed at night with the same thoughs. And I don't fear it anymore. Everytime a take "the decision" I feel a huge relief, a type of peace that I cant describe. But it goes away as soon as I realize I won't do it. The only thing I never tried is a romantic relationship, I don't want to put this weight on someone else's shoulders because I know what it's like to carry it.
Anyone have any suggestion? Anyway, thanks for reading this.
