Venting What have i done to deserve this?

[throwaway000]

I have my gun, I picked my forest and now I am at the hotel, I can't even move out of the bed. I waited for this moment for so long and the last few days (months actually, but especially days) have been absolute hell. I just have to drive there and do it... I imaged it so many many times and I craved it... And now it's like I'm paralyzed.. Everything seems so foreign (I am now in a country in Central Europe in which I have never been before)... I lived my life with courage and now I feel like a child that can't even get out of the house to face the world.. It's like is their world, and I'm just a stranger who was made to suffer and be alone. I feel alienated.
I can't go back from this. I burned all the bridges. I know what awaits me if I go back. I don't want it. I don't want to live.
What have I done to deserve this? I'm one of the best people I know. Why do I have to go throw this? It's like I have to climb Golgotha. Why is everything so hard? I deserve a good and easy death, I know it. I was a good person my whole life. I have earned it. Why can't I have it? Why??????
I'm crying right now.... I just want everything to be over.....................................

 

[Definitelyworried]

People think that pulling the trigger is easy, and people fantasize and romanticize about suicide, but when the time comes it's an unreal feeling. If I had a gun I don't think I would be able to do it.
I'm sorry to hear that you are in that position.
What is the main reason driving you to suicide?

 

[Ashpac]

I know the feeling. I ask myself ''Why me'' every single day because I did not deserve what happened to me. As far as I can see or have noticed the good people get all the shit while the not so nice people get everything they want. You know the expression ''The good die young'' how sad but true that is.

 

[creatureoflight]

if you have doubts and you can't pull the trigger, don't do it. It just means your time hasn't come yet or it is not your method. Whatever is waiting for you at home, you can take care of it somehow and if you really want to do it later, you always can. Death is always there for you, waiting. If you can't just die yet, then don't. I can empathize-I would be terrified to pull the trigger and I couldn't shoot myself.

 

[throwaway000]

if you have doubts and you can't pull the trigger, don't do it. It just means your time hasn't come yet or it is not your method. Whatever is waiting for you at home, you can take care of it somehow and if you really want to do it later, you always can. Death is always there for you, waiting. If you can't just die yet, then don't. I can empathize-I would be terrified to pull the trigger and I couldn't shoot myself.

No. This has to end today, one way or another. I don't want one single day on this planet....

 

[creatureoflight]

No. This has to end today, one way or another. I don't want one single day on this planet....

there is no rush and no race to die. Obviously, something within you doesn't want to pull that trigger, otherwise you wouldn't be here writing to us, you would be dead. Don't do it quite yet and not by this method. There is some other way of killing yourself, a better method that doesn't involve you risking paralysis if you mess up especially if you are so tense right now that you don't get your mark.
in which country are you, anyway?

 

[throwaway000]

Obviously, something within you doesn't want to pull that trigger

Yes, the irrationality of the survival instinct. Nothing else..

 

[creatureoflight]

Yes, the irrationality of the survival instinct. Nothing else..

I know it's really hard. I couldn't do it either, to be honest.
There are other ways that don't pose so much risk if you f*** up

 

[overkill]

 

[Tiburcio]

Having to live another day is a bitch, I understand you.

Do you have access to easier methods?

 

[throwaway000]

Having to live another day is a bitch, I understand you.

Do you have access to easier methods?

This was my preferred method all along.. I view the other ones as the hard ones.

 

[Definitelyworried]

This was my preferred method all along.. I view the other ones as the hard ones.

How old are you? Is there anything you want to share with us, before you do it?

 

[DerSonnenschein]

I feel with you. You are very brave having put yourself in this situation in the first place. You either find the courage to pull the trigger or you don't. Both options are fine, none are shameful.

 

[throwaway000]

I wish there was a button I could press to take me out of this nightmare asap.

 

[Dead_Inside]

Have a couple drinks. Might make it a bit easier. Sounds stupid but relax a bit.... you can help yourself think through this ....

 

[Strumgewehr]

I've never wished luck to anyone before out of fear of being a pro-suicider and not wanting to being held responsible of encouraging suicide. But today I say this: If suicide is the the most reasonable option for you, go for it! This world is not meant for good people. You won't miss out on anthing remotely worthwhile. Hope you have a powerful enough ammo and the right technique.

 

[Mecha Man]

I'm with you... I always thought a shotgun would be the easiest way. I've never tried it, but I did attempt suicide, and it wasn't really that difficult. I just took a bunch of pills and cut myself to shreds. Only problem was all the blood started to make me nervous and I stopped. And I didn't cut myself in the right places. AND I called people to say goodbye, who consequently managed to convince me to tell them where I was. But like that one guy said, I think that having some drinks to help you relax would going a long way to helping you out. Just don't drink too much that you lose your sensibilities and screw up.

 

[comfortablydumb]

Why??????

Because you know that your death is certain if you use a gun. There's no real doubt when it comes to that method. It's why "overdosing on pills" is the most common method - there's only a very slight chance of death, and if you make it you usually get a respite from the immediate urge to go.

You have the acute awareness that if you pull the trigger, it will be the last thing you ever do. It's very difficult to kill oneself in cold blood.

 

[Mecha Man]

Because you know that your death is certain if you use a gun. There's no real doubt when it comes to that method. It's why "overdosing on pills" is the most common method - there's only a very slight chance of death, and if you make it you usually get a respite from the immediate urge to go.

You have the acute awareness that if you pull the trigger, it will be the last thing you ever do. It's very difficult to kill oneself in cold blood.

sorry, I just have to laugh at the "in cold blood" statement. It's like, in opposition to that, you could kill yourself righteously, or with justice or whatever. Anyways, I don't mean any offense, I just found it amusing. But I'd really like to know; even though this seems to be widespread knowledge, have you ever tried to shoot yourself personally? I haven't, so I'm curious about it. If you have, could you tell me what it was like?

edit: I always thought that getting somewhat drunk beforehand would make it a lot easier, because it relaxes you and relieves you of your inhibitions.

 

[goggleboxers]

I have my gun, I picked my forest and now I am at the hotel, I can't even move out of the bed. I waited for this moment for so long and the last few days (months actually, but especially days) have been absolute hell. I just have to drive there and do it... I imaged it so many many times and I craved it... And now it's like I'm paralyzed.. Everything seems so foreign (I am now in a country in Central Europe in which I have never been before)... I lived my life with courage and now I feel like a child that can't even get out of the house to face the world.. It's like is their world, and I'm just a stranger who was made to suffer and be alone. I feel alienated.
I can't go back from this. I burned all the bridges. I know what awaits me if I go back. I don't want it. I don't want to live.
What have I done to deserve this? I'm one of the best people I know. Why do I have to go throw this? It's like I have to climb Golgotha. Why is everything so hard? I deserve a good and easy death, I know it. I was a good person my whole life. I have earned it. Why can't I have it? Why??????
I'm crying right now.... I just want everything to be over.....................................

Hey how did it go ? How did you get to travel with a gun I'd have been scared witless of being discovered

 

[Couchking]

I have my gun, I picked my forest and now I am at the hotel, I can't even move out of the bed. I waited for this moment for so long and the last few days (months actually, but especially days) have been absolute hell. I just have to drive there and do it... I imaged it so many many times and I craved it... And now it's like I'm paralyzed.. Everything seems so foreign (I am now in a country in Central Europe in which I have never been before)... I lived my life with courage and now I feel like a child that can't even get out of the house to face the world.. It's like is their world, and I'm just a stranger who was made to suffer and be alone. I feel alienated.
I can't go back from this. I burned all the bridges. I know what awaits me if I go back. I don't want it. I don't want to live.
What have I done to deserve this? I'm one of the best people I know. Why do I have to go throw this? It's like I have to climb Golgotha. Why is everything so hard? I deserve a good and easy death, I know it. I was a good person my whole life. I have earned it. Why can't I have it? Why??????
I'm crying right now.... I just want everything to be over.....................................

This is why I couldn't do it yet.

 

[Final Escape]

I can really relate to you here. I'm seeing the black and white thinking where u feel like u have to do this right now and there's no choice. I do this all the time when I'm very suicidal. I wish I could say something to snap u out of this mental state. I'm not sure u should do this right now but I know you seem very set on it.