Venting What I learned from my failed/abandoned attempt(s)

[senti-mental]

Not about the method specifically, that can be another post if people are wondering, this is what I learned about people.

The people in my life, who I consider myself close to seem to fall into two camps: some find out about what happened and are worried about me and seem more support-oriented, and the other camp gets angry and there's always something I seem to owe them after a failed attempt, in their minds. I've failed and backed out of attempts before, sometimes people find out due to me getting hospitalized and sometimes I tell people I'm going to ctb before attempting, so I've noticed these patterns by now.

I don't feel either reaction is right or wrong, nobody owes me anything. I mean I'm an unstable mess of a human to have in one's life, but I do think the anger is uncalled for coming from certain people in my life, especially those I met in treatment or on here where there's an understanding and (hopefully) respect of mental illness and the choices I make. And its definitely counterproductive, I think. if you're mad at someone for attempting suicide the last thing that will prevent them from doing so again is shame. In my mind that locks the choice in to attempt again, but that's probably my BPD brain logic talking.

It's just wild to me how certain people can make what's just a desperate attempt to stop this fucking hamster wheel of bullshit that is my life all about them.

 

[TheHolySword]

I don't know, I get the anger. I've attempted a few times. I've been suicidal for over a decade. I've known that this is how it was all going to end for awhile. And still. When people I have known CTBed, I was angry. Angry at them, angry at myself, angry at everyone, angry at the world. Yeah, anger is misplaced sometimes but it can manifest for very real reasons. They care about you. I've experienced this too, I've been on the receiving end of the shame and I know it doesn't feel good. It makes you want to push them away, to isolate yourself. But they're scared and hurting, they're only human and they're reacting from fear and pain, just as we are.

 

[senti-mental]

I don't know, I get the anger. I've attempted a few times. I've been suicidal for over a decade. I've known that this is how it was all going to end for awhile. And still. When people I have known CTBed, I was angry. Angry at them, angry at myself, angry at everyone, angry at the world. Yeah, anger is misplaced sometimes but it can manifest for very real reasons. They care about you. I've experienced this too, I've been on the receiving end of the shame and I know it doesn't feel good. It makes you want to push them away, to isolate yourself. But they're scared and hurting, they're only human and they're reacting from fear and pain, just as we are.

oh I don't believe at all in invalidating how people feel about it. I was more referring to how certain people treat someone who's just attempted and failed. it's a matter of self control in my experience. When I feel angry at someone I know is vulnerable, its my responsibility to express or process that elsewhere, not to or around that person.