Discussion What makes a person 'sheltered'? Is it necessarily a bad thing to be sheltered?

[BitterlyAlive_]

I was talking about this with someone the other day. As always, I'm curious about what you guys think.

 

[Nymph]

I guess someone becomes sheltered when they stop having interactions with ppl irl and maybe stay at home most of the time.

I personally don't think it's a bad thing and for me it would be a perfect way of living if i could just find a way to earn money while being sheltered and isolated. I'm asocial, have anxiety and get panic attacks and I wish I could just lock myself away and have my own little world

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I was the definition of sheltered as a kid. My mom was very protective of me because of my very anxious behavior (she tried her best and has fully admitted that sheltering me did more harm than good) my dad never let me or my mom go out hardly. I was sent to a private religious school where I ironically got bullied very very badly. I never had any opportunities to make friends or socialize. I couldn't go out with a guy in highschool or even hang out and be friends. My dad wouldn't let me get a driver's license so I got one MUCH later than everyone. I knew nothing about stuff that was "cool or popular" (however I do have an awesome taste in music thanks to listening to classic rock as a kid!)

All of the sheltering led up to me being very rebellious and I ended up ruining my life. I never learned how to socialize properly or make friends. I went through a very promiscuous phase. I have severe anxiety and I can't hardly leave the house. I haven't worked in years (combo of anxiety, ptsd and physical issues) I don't drive anymore.

My mom has cried and cried admitted that she didn't know at the time what was going on and how it harmed me later. I know she tried her best I don't fault her one bit!...I blame myself. I fucked up my life.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I guess someone becomes sheltered when they stop having interactions with ppl irl and maybe stay at home most of the time.

I personally don't think it's a bad thing and for me it would be a perfect way of living if i could just find a way to earn money while being sheltered and isolated. I'm asocial, have anxiety and get panic attacks and I wish I could just lock myself away and have my own little world

Thanks for answering. I don't think that lifestyle is necessarily bad either, as long as you're able to stay relatively healthy. Gotta do what's best for you, especially when it seems like the "normal" life creates so much anxiety and stress. Also, I'm a bit of a jerk and am glad you said 'asocial'...so many people call themselves antisocial when they really mean asocial. Two completely different concepts.

It seems like it's so difficult to find a chill job working from home. So many of them involve customer service, which is understandably overwhelming to a lot of people. I considered teaching English online, but that sounds pretty stressful as well...

 

[Nymph]

so many people call themselves antisocial when they really mean asocial. Two completely different concepts.

I used to be one of those people lol, then I googled the difference

It seems like it's so difficult to find a chill job working from home. So many of them involve customer service, which is understandably overwhelming

Yeah unfortunately, this world is just not made for people who aren't extroverted:// I feel like if I was extroverted I would have turned out like a completely different person. One of the reason why I've been failing at life is just because I hate human interaction, am stressed from little things etc

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I was the definition of sheltered as a kid. My mom was very protective of me because of my very anxious behavior (she tried her best and has fully admitted that sheltering me did more harm than good) my dad never let me or my mom go out hardly. I was sent to a private religious school where I ironically got bullied very very badly. I never had any opportunities to make friends or socialize. I couldn't go out with a guy in highschool or even hang out and be friends. My dad wouldn't let me get a driver's license so I got one MUCH later than everyone. I knew nothing about stuff that was "cool or popular" (however I do have an awesome taste in music thanks to listening to classic rock as a kid!)

All of the sheltering led up to me being very rebellious and I ended up ruining my life. I never learned how to socialize properly or make friends. I went through a very promiscuous phase. I have severe anxiety and I can't hardly leave the house. I haven't worked in years (combo of anxiety, ptsd and physical issues) I don't drive anymore.

My mom has cried and cried admitted that she didn't know at the time what was going on and how it harmed me later. I know she tried her best I don't fault her one bit!...I blame myself. I fucked up my life.

That sounds like a really rough childhood imo, and it's understandable that the pendulum swung so far as you got older. It happens to a lot of people who have had similar childhoods. When you don't have any true autonomy as a child/teen, you tend to overcompensate once you get a taste of freedom. I'm so sorry to hear that things are so difficult now. It's completely unfair.

My parents also tried to work around my anxiety instead of getting me professional help for it. I was quiet and didn't play sports or do extracurriculars (my parents didn't force me because they knew I would resent it), so I was out of the loop on a lot of things as well... I also got my driver's license and first job a bit later than my peers (age 17) because my parents didn't push me like they did with my brother. I have mixed feelings about it all.

I'm not trying to say my childhood was easy, there was lots of abuse and my one relationship was just terrible, also full of abuse. But I think I had it easier than a lot of other people...

I used to be one of those people lol, then I googled the difference



Yeah unfortunately, this world is just not made for people who aren't extroverted:// I feel like if I was extroverted I would have turned out like a completely different person. One of the reason why I've been failing at life is just because I hate human interaction, am stressed from little things etc

I'm so glad my comment about asocial vs antisocial wasn't upsetting, looking at it again it sounded kinda rude... I agree, this is a world for extroverts for sure. I can totally relate to your last point, I struggle with the same issues. People are scary, life is scary, things are often overwhelming. It sucks.

 

[drwt]

Being sheltered is an awful thing. You might think that it's stressful and bothersome to go out and interact with people but it allows you to stay sane.
I'm sheltered. I never have to go outside. I was out perhaps under 5 times the last three months. I have enough savings to not even have to work for 1-2 years.
It's so awfully lonely. I don't interact with anyone except one, two people I chat with but that doesn't feel real.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Being sheltered is an awful thing. You might think that it's stressful and bothersome to go out and interact with people but it allows you to stay sane.
I'm sheltered. I never have to go outside. I was out perhaps under 5 times the last three months. I have enough savings to not even have to work for 1-2 years.
It's so awfully lonely. I don't interact with anyone except one, two people I chat with but that doesn't feel real.

Oh, I agree with you. It's stressful to go out, it's scary to interact with people, but it's necessary (for me at least). I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds painful, especially when your interactions/relationships don't feel real. I struggle with that feeling too, but that's been an issue since I was a kid.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'll make a confession here. I think I was spoiled as a kid, possibly sheltered. I was a typical third child. As I grew up I rebelled against it and caused no end of trouble. I made it my goal to be independent. I was hard though, I had massive social anxiety, and lacking the experience I now have it was really tough to overcome that. I used booze, which is a bad call, I don't recommend it.
I can certainly understand someone being sheltered and even feeling the need to retreat from the world. These days I push myself, a bit further each time out of my comfort zone, which isn't easy due to illness. But...I never push myself too far. I think a small amount of manageable concern is healthy, as long as it doesn't blossom into fear and anxiety. The more stuff you can deal with in small steps, the more it may all add up.

I considered teaching English online, but that sounds pretty stressful as well...

I have a friend that does that and manages quite well.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I'll make a confession here. I think I was spoiled as a kid, possibly sheltered. I was a typical third child. As I grew up I rebelled against it and caused no end of trouble. I made it my goal to be independent. I was hard though, I had massive social anxiety, and lacking the experience I now have it was really tough to overcome that. I used booze, which is a bad call, I don't recommend it.
I can certainly understand someone being sheltered and even feeling the need to retreat from the world. These days I push myself, a bit further each time out of my comfort zone, which isn't easy due to illness. But...I never push myself too far. I think a small amount of manageable concern is healthy, as long as it doesn't blossom into fear and anxiety. The more stuff you can deal with in small steps, the more it may all add up.

I have a friend that does that and manages quite well.

Third children unite. I remember reading about your past issues with alcohol; admittedly it makes me reconsider when I wish I could drink until I black out. When you're young, you tend to not think of the long-term ramifications... You're right about how it's good to gently push yourself out of your comfort zone. Broaden that window of tolerance. Etc. Mm :/ I was going to actually move abroad to teach before the depression got far, far worse. It's admirable when people can be couragous and uproot their life like that. TEFL (or TESOL) in general seems like a good gig, I'm glad your friend enioys it.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

LOL bloody third children, such a cliche, but we are all the same!

I was going to actually move abroad to teach

That, however, is a major change, not a gradual tweaking. That would have potentially been a make or break scenario. Do you think you could have coped with it?

 

[Life sucks]

I think it depends on circumstances. I'm isolated now so its not a bad thing for me. However, it was bad in the past and how people abuse and manipulate because of that, lack of information about reality and humans isn't a good thing when one deals and interact with them but it doesn't matter if someone don't interact.

I don't think its inherently a bad thing. Humans are bad and not the sheltered person. Actually I like sheltered fictional characters.

 

[Still Waiting]

I think it depends on circumstances. I'm isolated now so its not a bad thing for me. However, it was bad in the past and how people abuse and manipulate because of that, lack of information about reality and humans isn't a good thing when one deals and interact with them but it doesn't matter if someone don't interact.

I don't think its inherently a bad thing. Humans are bad and not the sheltered person. Actually I like sheltered fictional characters.

I feel that being sheltered means being led to believe the world is logical and just so sheltered people are very easily manipulated and eaten alive when they go out into the real world. It is becoming a worse and worse thing to be sheltered because society is becoming more and more illogical and unjust or, at least, more secretively illogical and unjust; which still equates to things becoming more illogical and unjust as far as I can tell.

It seems being isolated (sheltered?) is good if you can be happy not interacting with other people but I am told a rich social life is fundamental to thriving as a human. Is this true?

 

[sugar]

I don't think sheltered children are necessarily naive and gullible. They just don't really understand how people live outside their bubble. It's not a bad thing because you eventually catch up on life skills once you move out.

Also the more you need to use Urban Dictionary the more likely you were probably sheltered ;)

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

It seems being isolated (sheltered?) is good if you can be happy not interacting with other people but I am told a rich social life is fundamental to thriving as a human. Is this true?

Seems like it's true. I think I agree with you on being eaten alive by society... My dad recently told me I "have lived a sheltered life" when I stated I was afraid to be in the ghetto parts of town. Mm.

I think it depends on circumstances. I'm isolated now so its not a bad thing for me. However, it was bad in the past and how people abuse and manipulate because of that, lack of information about reality and humans isn't a good thing when one deals and interact with them but it doesn't matter if someone don't interact.

I don't think its inherently a bad thing. Humans are bad and not the sheltered person. Actually I like sheltered fictional characters.

Sorry for taking so long to respond. Wasn't sure what to say last night, but I think everything you've said makes perfect sense.

They just don't really understand how people live outside their bubble.

Very well said. Also, the last part is so true lol. I was aware of trends and slang, I just never fit in I guess. Idk

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

My dad recently told me I "have lived a sheltered life" when I stated I was afraid to be in the ghetto parts of town. Mm.

I was wondering what motivated this thread. I don't know if that was it.

Your dad's comment sounds like more gaslighting BS from someone who did not protect you -- there is a difference between being sheltered vs. being protected by the most basic social units, and also being taught how to discern and self-protect. To me, sheltering is hiding a child from reality, and when they go out into the world, they are targets for predation because they don't know what to look out for. I think parents have a responsibility to teach their children how to watch out for and protect themselves. Both of my parents failed at that, but I don't think they had the skills, either.

Spoiler: Personal examples to relate and support

I think about my own father who was a cop, and didn't teach me signs of what to watch out for. He didn't protect me from my mother and told me I had no right to hit her back and that "It wasn't that bad!" She started threatening to kick me out when I was three, and actually did when I was a teenager, and he knew as a cop exactly what kinds of dangers I would be vulnerable to. I was abused and sheltered at the same time. I was isolated at home, I was so, so bored and not allowed to go to friends' houses very often, all outside activities and interactions were very controlled. In grade school, some parents told me that my mother was over-protective, but really she was controlling and isolating.

My father was also blind to a lot of things, though. He lived in his own warped reality simliarly to as your father seems to me to do, and I now recognize my father came from an extremely abusive and controlling gaslighting background, including having grandparents who were in a religious cult, and a sister who later joined a hard-core one. Before I was born and when I was little, my parents rented out the in-law apartment to an older couple. The man was a stereotypical seventies used-car salesman. After they moved out, they were still intermittently part of our lives and were like an aunt and uncle to me. Decades later, after the man died, I told my mother he had a child molester vibe and she agreed. He was charismatic, but also like the devil on your shoulder. He would undermine my mother's authority by letting me get away with things and jokingly but toxically push the envelope to get her to question herself and let me get away with things, and get me to push with him backing me up. He manipulatively pressured her and enjoyed it, and she laughed, too, but underneath it was really creepy and toxic. After he died, his wife wrote to my mother that they had been living under assumed identities for decades for him to evade some bad debts. He was charismatic and predatory con man, living in our house, and my father, a cop, had no clue in spite of a career of investigations and interrogations for burglary and homicide. I'm sure the con man got off on that as much as he did trying to toxically manipulate my relationship with my mother. My dad loses his shit when my mother or I needs protection and receives it, or self-protects. He literally doesn't see when it's needed, and he has this thing about authority, especially when it comes to doctors, military people, cops, etc., and he has a block against questioning them and is their enabler, just as he was my mother's. When I was 18, I was molested by a doctor while my parents waited in the car, and when I left the appointment and told them, my mother was angry, but neither one went back in and confronted him. When my mother was in the hospital and suffering, and told me on the phone that no one was attending to her, I called the doctor's night service and he immediately intervened, and my father was livid with me. Just total irrationality.

I think your father is irrational, too. I can only imagine what backgrounds of abuse and gaslighting your parents came from. My own parents don't connect with theirs. My mother came from generations of domestic violence and manipulative, oppressive control on both sides, but doesn't fully put together what she and her own parents went through, how extreme it was. My father says almost nothing about his history, both my mother and I know very little but I've put together enough that I know it was fucking intense, and he doesn't think about it, he buries things and moves on, keeps walls up to not look at them. It's how they both manage, which may have helped them survive childhood when they were powerless, but they didn't ever seek support to confront it and change their ways when they became maladaptive, abusive, and enabling.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I was wondering what motivated this thread. I don't know if that was it.

Your dad's comment sounds like more gaslighting BS from someone who did not protect you -- there is a difference between being sheltered vs. being protected by the most basic social units, and also being taught how to discern and self-protect. To me, sheltering is hiding a child from reality, and when they go out into the world, they are targets for predation because they don't know what to look out for. I think parents have a responsibility to teach their children how to watch out for and protect themselves. Both of my parents failed at that, but I don't think they had the skills, either.

Spoiler: Personal examples to relate and support

I think about my own father who was a cop, and didn't teach me signs of what to watch out for. He didn't protect me from my mother and told me I had no right to hit her back and that "It wasn't that bad!" She started threatening to kick me out when I was three, and actually did when I was a teenager, and he knew as a cop exactly what kinds of dangers I would be vulnerable to. I was abused and sheltered at the same time. I was isolated at home, I was so, so bored and not allowed to go to friends' houses very often, all outside activities and interactions were very controlled. In grade school, some parents told me that my mother was over-protective, but really she was controlling and isolating.

My father was also blind to a lot of things, though. He lived in his own warped reality simliarly to as your father seems to me to do, and I now recognize my father came from an extremely abusive and controlling gaslighting background, including having grandparents who were in a religious cult, and a sister who later joined a hard-core one. Before I was born and when I was little, my parents rented out the in-law apartment to an older couple. The man was a stereotypical seventies used-car salesman. After they moved out, they were still intermittently part of our lives and were like an aunt and uncle to me. Decades later, after the man died, I told my mother he had a child molester vibe and she agreed. He was charismatic, but also like the devil on your shoulder. He would undermine my mother's authority by letting me get away with things and jokingly but toxically push the envelope to get her to question herself and let me get away with things, and get me to push with him backing me up. He manipulatively pressured her and enjoyed it, and she laughed, too, but underneath it was really creepy and toxic. After he died, his wife wrote to my mother that they had been living under assumed identities for decades for him to evade some bad debts. He was charismatic and predatory con man, living in our house, and my father, a cop, had no clue in spite of a career of investigations and interrogations for burglary and homicide. I'm sure the con man got off on that as much as he did trying to toxically manipulate my relationship with my mother. My dad loses his shit when my mother or I needs protection and receives it, or self-protects. He literally doesn't see when it's needed, and he has this thing about authority, especially when it comes to doctors, military people, cops, etc., and he has a block against questioning them and is their enabler, just as he was my mother's. When I was 18, I was molested by a doctor while my parents waited in the car, and when I left the appointment and told them, my mother was angry, but neither one went back in and confronted him. When my mother was in the hospital and suffering, and told me on the phone that no one was attending to her, I called the doctor's night service and he immediately intervened, and my father was livid with me. Just total irrationality.

I think your father is irrational, too. I can only imagine what backgrounds of abuse and gaslighting your parents came from. My own parents don't connect with theirs. My mother came from generations of domestic violence and manipulative, oppressive control on both sides, but doesn't fully put together what she and her own parents went through, how extreme it was. My father says almost nothing about his history, both my mother and I know very little but I've put together enough that I know it was fucking intense, and he doesn't think about it, he buries things and moves on, keeps walls up to not look at them. It's how they both manage, which may have helped them survive childhood when they were powerless, but they didn't ever seek support to confront it and change their ways when they became maladaptive, abusive, and enabling.

Nah, he said that last night I think? I made the thread because the person I was talking to said that they think I've been babied. It bothered me, and I was curious about what others think. I don't think I've been babied. But their main reasoning seemed to be: I give off a very innocent vibe, I didn't really start drinking until this year, and I still live with my parents. I really respect this person and was wondering if I was viewing my life wrong.

I believe I am the way I am because of lots of abuse throughout my childhood and arguably even now, being bullied and a bit of an outcast in school, and my numerous anxieties and fears. But, as you may have seen in my replies, perhaps I was a bit sheltered. I really don't know.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I already talked quite a bit about my experiences in this thread and don't feel like repeating it. Just don't feel like typing it again and trying to make it all coherent lol. Your parents are monsters, and I agree that a person can simultaneously be sheltered and abused. Personally, though, based on what you've said I don't think you were sheltered - the exact opposite, really. I'm sorry to hear about that doctor, and am glad that the creepy neighbor didn't seem to do anything similar. :/

** @GoodPersonEffed tagging you because I finished reading

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

That, however, is a major change, not a gradual tweaking. That would have potentially been a make or break scenario. Do you think you could have coped with it?

Somehow I missed this. Uh, I would not have coped with it for many reasons.

 

[NightmareTour]

Being sheltered and not personally experiencing the most negative or difficult parts of life for yourself are completely different things. People who are sheltered are completely oblivious to the difficulty of life and the suffering that happens in the world and what it takes for people to deal with it. It's not someone's fault if they start off sheltered, but at some point it becomes their own choice to stay that way.

Being sheltered definitely isn't the same as not going out at all. People can be sheltered from things that are right in front of them, usually by overprotective parents.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Being sheltered and not personally experiencing the most negative or difficult parts of life for yourself are completely different things. People who are sheltered are completely oblivious to the difficulty of life and the suffering that happens in the world and what it takes for people to deal with it. It's not someone's fault if they start off sheltered, but at some point it becomes their own choice to stay that way.

Being sheltered definitely isn't the same as not going out at all. People can be sheltered from things that are right in front of them, usually by overprotective parents.

Hmm, well said. Thanks for the reply.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

lack of exposure I'd guess but not sure, I have always been a bit of a disconnected outcast even though nobody sheltered me

 

[Moon Flower]

My s/o is extremely sheltered. Very religious family who kept him out of school basically for indoctrination purposes. I don't think it's that big a deal, but someone more street wise and shitty would probably see him as someone easy to take advantage of and that's all that worries me

 

[CoalmineCanary]

Some folks believe ignorance is bliss. Maybe it is?

 

[MrBlue]

I know I've been very sheltered. When I was younger I was in a very supportive, but restricted environment due to my mum being ill and my dad being away alot. It ingrained a naivity and compulsive desire to help others that often comes off as desperate or fake.

I still struggle with it alot. I tend to flip flop between trying to see the best in people (so getting used/backstabbed) or being paranoid and avoidant. Add the fact I'm not exactly attractive and my mental health issues on top...I'm not acceptable to anyone and end up alone.

 

[Still Waiting]

I think I agree with you on being eaten alive by society... My dad recently told me I "have lived a sheltered life" when I stated I was afraid to be in the ghetto parts of town. Mm.

Did you ask your father how he would feel if you got attacked while in the ghetto parts of town?

 

[Mentalmick]

I'm was pretty sheltered. Spent most of my time with my mum. Don't regret a second of it. Proud to be a mummies boy

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

It is bad to be sheltered and if you were sheltered you will struggle. I was sheltered and I took on a more dangerous/rough job so that I could break out of it and get more grounded. You don't have to be some iron pumping tough guy but its good to see what is going on out there beyond the screens we are all force fed

 

[CogitoMori]

Overbearing parents that restrict them to the point that they don't develop any decision making or problem solving skills because they have to just do what authority figures say without question. They make their children easy targets for manipilation and abuse and deprive them of any sense of self-identity

All of the sheltering led up to me being very rebellious and I ended up ruining my life. I never learned how to socialize properly or make friends. I went through a very promiscuous phase. I have severe anxiety and I can't hardly leave the house. I haven't worked in years (combo of anxiety, ptsd and physical issues) I don't drive anymore.

Same honestly. I got into drugs when I lived with an abusive friend and became a prostitute on top of my 3 jobs to pay the bills

I don't think sheltered children are necessarily naive and gullible. They just don't really understand how people live outside their bubble. It's not a bad thing because you eventually catch up on life skills once you move out.

Also the more you need to use Urban Dictionary the more likely you were probably sheltered ;)

No, you don't catch up on those skills that were supposed to have already been developed in your formative years. It only gets worse