• Hey Guest,

    As you know, censorship around the world has been ramping up at an alarming pace. The UK and OFCOM has singled out this community and have been focusing its censorship efforts here. It takes a good amount of resources to maintain the infrastructure for our community and to resist this censorship. We would appreciate any and all donations.

    Bitcoin (BTC): 39deg9i6Zp1GdrwyKkqZU6rAbsEspvLBJt
    ETH: 0xd799aF8E2e5cEd14cdb344e6D6A9f18011B79BE9
    Monero (XMR): 49tuJbzxwVPUhhDjzz6H222Kh8baKe6rDEsXgE617DVSDD8UKNaXvKNU8dEVRTAFH9Av8gKkn4jDzVGF25snJgNfUfKKNC8
N

noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
5,614
I am Dating currently a woman we also talk about corpses in our closet.
I talked about a lot. But it is too early to talk about everything. And I think I will keep silent about some parts maybe forever. I cannot Tell her how actual suicidal I was. This would scare the Shit out of her. Especially, when she knows how Hard rejections hurt me. I have to hide my SanctionedSuicide account from her under all circumstances.

There is a Story I certainly don't feel proud of. It is probably the worst Thing I ever did in my life. However, keep in mind others would say being a longtime member of Sanctioned Suicide Was way way worse. Especially, as an adult.

As a bullied and child abused (by my Mom) Teenager I turned out to be an asshole Troll online (I was 13-15 I think). I did so much stupid bullshit. But I was so young and it was such a dysfunctional and toxic way to Deal with the pain of getting beated the Shit out of me of by my Mom on a Daily basis. And I was mocked and bullied in real life so Hard in school.

And I just looked for beef online as a way to compensate it. I even have Screenshots which bullshit I did. It was not that intricate tbh. I just insulted a lot of people and talked about inappropriate stuff. I don't know how much damage I have caused in others. And I feel so Bad thinking about it. I also insulted one friend pretty badly. And He alluded He might think it is karma that my mental health is such a torture chamber. However, I don't really think that. My Mom who beated the Shit out of me and caused All of that has a way way better life quality than me. Life simply is not just at least not in this World. And karma seems to be a cynical concept for me because it leaves the guilt and shame to the victims. I am not really thinking about my case but for example the people in concentration Camps. The Nazis had the slogans "Arbeit macht frei" and "Jedem das seine". And the later one means you sort of get what you deserve. And such a concept can be abused pretty obviously as demonstrated.

I just remember there might be even one more horrible thing that I did. I told it to one of my closest friends he does not consider that extremely horrible. But I think it was pretty horrible.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
  • Hugs
Reactions: mikgazer6, katagiri83, Azlia and 2 others
Inuyasha

Inuyasha

Member
May 23, 2023
17
Stealing money from parents and masturbating to some perverse stuff.
These are probably the worst things I've done.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Namelesa
Azlia

Azlia

Member
Jan 21, 2025
20
sacrificing my principles for who i fell in love the hardest, trying to escape from myself instead of accepting myself and actually make a life plan, as a teenager i got into some online hate groups that were a pipeline from libertarian to ultra-nationalism indoctrination in an attempt to not accept myself, of those i feel ashamed, the ones i do not anymore is when i was a kid i put a baby frog in an ants hole just to see what happens and in a fight for a crystal bulb i preferred to break it so the other kid would get hurt instead of losing but the cut was not superficial as i expected, i guess i have also done things that most moralities consider worse from theft and wrath to hedonism, but for my principles they aren't bad so i don't care about those.
 
Pluto

Pluto

Cat Extremist
Dec 27, 2020
4,471
727296_dfb0f9e6e9714d7ea33f2f62cc6f3fd5~mv2.jpg
 
  • Like
Reactions: Lunarian, needthebus, Namelesa and 1 other person
F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
10,863
I'm actually too ashamed to admit a couple of things I did as a child. Basically though, they were cruel. Bullying related. I could also make excuses, saying that I was being bullied myself. Really though, I can't justify it. I do feel terrible about it now.

I was also extremely selfish and self absorbed in my early-mid 30's, trying to get my career off the ground. I badly neglected to keep in touch with a few people who did so much for me. Again, I can try to justify that to myself but, I know it was shitty.

I don't feel at all bad about having ideation. I see it as a logical response to my life. I would feel bad if I intended to act on it though- before my Dad goes first anyway.

As for being a forum member, I definitely don't like the thought of minors being on here and in some way, aiding them to suicide. I tend to try to avoid method talk in part for that reason.

However- I'd argue that the main onus ought to be on them. They know they aren't officially allowed on here. Plus, the people around them. Why haven't they noticed they are so unhappy and, why aren't they doing more to support them or keep them safe? Plus, I imagine they could get the information elsewhere. Regardless though, I don't believe this site does encourage suicide. It simply supports the right to choose.

So, while it isn't an ideal scenario here, I think we all mostly try to guage where someone is at regarding their thought process and stability. Plenty of people are still pointed in the direction of recovery. I definitely wouldn't stay if this place coerced suicide.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: derpyderpins and noname223
FoxSauce

FoxSauce

Emotional unstable like and IKEA table
Aug 23, 2024
100
Hurting my mom when i was young

Not getting into contact with other (keeping relationship isnt my best strong suit)

Stealing when I was young (still do)

Not being enough to my parents
being a financial burden to my mom..


Back in highschool invited a new girl to my
Freind group and it got tore apart beacuse of me (basically she was bad news) but i didnt get to know her enough to know that
And It was my fault and no matter how hard i try to bring it back together I couldnt do anything...
 
clvr

clvr

うずまき
Nov 21, 2024
9
I think the worst thing I've ever done is accidentally started a fire. I remember when I was around 11 or 12 I was playing in a ditch inside my neighborhood, burning stuff with a magnifying glass. I shifted my attention to trying to make a little fire out of dried leaves and twigs, only for it to work a LOT better than expected. I picked up one of the leaves and watched it burn in my hand, but when the fire started getting closer to the base of the leaf I threw it to the side, for it to land directly into a dry ass bush. I remember freezing in terror as I saw the bush catch fire almost instantly and I thought to myself "oh shit what have I done". I booked it home as fast as I could and then proceeded to pace around my room for hours as I looked out my window to see a smoke rising up into the sky.

Come later, I found out basically the whole ditch burned down and the flames got higher than some people's fences. nobody was hurt, but I feel so guilty about it still, almost 10 years later. So uh, don't play with fire.
 
Promised Heaven

Promised Heaven

Eternally atoning
Feb 1, 2024
659
Stole parent's money to convince classmates to give me rare silly bandz (red dragon especially). I'm talking, stole 80$ to get like, 6. There was a whole effort and collaboration with multiple parents to get the kids to return the money but of course being 8 years old having a 20 dollar bill is like winning the lottery so they of course didn't want to return it easily. Most of the money got returned but I was known for almost a decade as the gal who paid people hard cash for unique shaped rubber bands that was like, 2$ for 5 at the time.

That one I fully moved forward on, I was a stupid kid, but was definitely more embarrassed than ashamed.
 
EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
Oct 21, 2023
4,129
I've done some pretty awful things before (which I'm not comfortable with talking about) and there is no sugar-coating it. I feel incredibly ashamed of myself for engaging in those past actions. Those actions were and still are inexcusable. I still feel a lot of guilt over them.

Something that I couldn't help but think about while reading through this thread is that sometimes I feel like people regularly engage in actions that hurt others but most people are incapable of acknowledging or accepting that. To make it clear, I've also been guilty of this before, especially when I was younger. A good example of this that comes to mind is when I think about parents. I remember reading a comment online that made an interesting point about how many parents will do things that end up hurting or even traumatizing their children (physically and/or psychologically) but most parents don't realize this because from their perspective what they did wasn't a big deal. They assume that since they view it as not a big deal then that must mean their children view those past situations similarly. I'm pretty sure that this is basically just projection bias, but I might be wrong. As to whether or not this commenter's theory on the matter is correct, I don't know. That's something that I'll probably have to look into.

I bring this up though because I feel like a lot of people are genuinely bad at remembering/acknowledging the worst things they have done. I feel like people tend to find it easier to remember situations in which they were victims compared to ones where they were the perpetrator due to a mixture of both our tendency to try and preserve our self-image along with our tendency to more easily remember past events that we perceive as being more negative (especially events where we were the ones who were hurt). Of course, this probably varies a bit from person to person, but I've been noticing this pattern for quite some time now. Along with that, I've also noticed that people are much quicker to feel guilty about situations in which they could be seen as the victim compared to ones where they are objectively the perpetrator. This, again, may tie into the whole negativity bias and preservation of self-image point that I talked about. Of course, these are just my own thoughts and guesses.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: SoulCage and TinySlitsThatScream
Custos

Custos

Martyr
May 27, 2024
60
Was at a friends' house when I was 12, they had stuffed cat toy on display as an ornament. I really liked it and asked if I could have it, they said no as it was very special to them as it was a gift from their father who longer lived with them. Before I left I stole it.

Never have forgiven myself, feel guilty every l think about it and ultra ultra guilty on the rare occasion I ever saw it.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: TinySlitsThatScream
nomoredolor

nomoredolor

Specialist
Sep 7, 2024
347
As a child I stole a bunch of stuff from a member of a family that was helping my family. I stole some of her makeup, clothing jewelry and other misc items. The worst items I stole were a ring that was a family heirloom and the other was an engagement ring. I replaced the rings with cheap plastic ones. I've regretted this heavily ever since.

I was raised as a transphobic and homophobic bigot. Fortunately I unlearned most of this shit but I'm ashamed how long I stayed in the cult. I am also ashamed of my beliefs and general behavior of the time. I'm proud of myself for deconstructing and coming out as my authentic self. I did my best to make amends.

Before two of the people I love committed suicide in 2021 and 2024 I feel like I could've done better. Idk exactly how and I know it's hypocritical but I hate myself sometimes for things I did or didn't do.

I slapped my partner once. (No excuse for domestic abuse!)

The one that hurts the most is how I am going to break the hearts of my loved ones when I finally have the courage to put myself out of my misery.

I know objectively I could've done much worse things but I am really not proud of them and feel shitty.

Anna
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: TinySlitsThatScream
TinySlitsThatScream

TinySlitsThatScream

Freak
Jan 28, 2025
16
I know it has never been my fault, but

I've been groomed and raped for months when I was a child, the grooming was extremely intense.
To the point that from one day, I was the one asking for it, and by asking, I literally mean asking. I still feel extremely disgusted of myself to this day, I know this was done by grooming. But fuck it, I feel so engrossed and disgusted of myself, and even to this day it reflects on my sexuality, to the point i fantasize about rape situation possibly happening one day to me again.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: mikgazer6
Skelix

Skelix

Ignorant in everything, winner of nothing
Feb 4, 2025
41
One day, I went to the hospital with my mother because of a stomach ache. We asked the receptionist for an appointment and sat down to wait. After a few minutes, a nurse called us to take my weight before seeing the doctor. I took off my shoes, and my right sock had a hole in it where my big toe was visible. My mother, embarrassed, laughed along with the nurse. When we left the hospital, my mother scolded me, saying I was shameless (she's fed up with me for all the stupid things I do).

I didn't realize it when I was changing my socks because I was "lost in my own world".
 
  • Like
Reactions: cosimaniehaus, TinySlitsThatScream and mikgazer6
-nobodyknows-

-nobodyknows-

I will face my fate.
Jun 16, 2024
602
Pretending to recover. My reasons for doing so were… complicated. I've talked about it extensively in other threads, but the simplest explanation is that I was trying to "fake it til I made it". It has not gone well, and I think that my death will now be so much worse for the people who care about me than if I had done so when they knew what I was feeling.
 
  • Love
  • Hugs
Reactions: TinySlitsThatScream and mikgazer6
mikgazer6

mikgazer6

No existence, no problem
Jul 1, 2024
85
In high school I agreed to go out with a girl I felt nothing towards because it was in my best interest given my situation (requires its own post). I faked interest, prevented the relationship from developing, then ghosted her after my family moved some months later (she was aware of this ahead of time but we promised we'd still talk). I never once thought about her feelings and viewed her as a mild annoyance that needed occasional attention, a way one might treat a dog.

I was a piece of shit and to be honest I don't feel ashamed about the event. I am still more or less the same person, although I try to be more aware of my unawareness when it comes to current human relationships and am more careful with my establishment of new ones. As for romantic relationships, never again.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: TinySlitsThatScream
TerminallyBroken

TerminallyBroken

Member
Jan 26, 2025
15
When I was in pre-school, I did something to another classmate that still hurts me to this day. I didn't mean to harm her like that but someone did some real sick things to me when I was a toddler so I learned some bad stuff. I was too little to know any better or even make sense of the vile things that evil being did to me. I can still hear her screams and cries to this day and I cry my eyes out thinking of all the therapy and trauma she's had all her life because of me. I wish I could go back and hug her so tight and protect her from the monster I was but never meant to be. I'd pick her up and hold her tight and tell her she is ok now and she's safe cause I got her. I'd promise her I'll never let anyone hurt her like that again. I'd wipe her tears away and rock her till she calmed down. I'd give her a teddy bear and a cookie to help her feel better.

I know it's not my fault and I know I must forgive myself because I was too little and someone hurt me first but I still remember it and feel shame beyond words for it. To this day, when a baby cries, I cry too because I go back to that poor little girl. There's these dolls called "Cry Baby" dolls that literally do cry real tears when you take things away from them. I can't even look at the poor dolls because it takes me back to that memory. I've been in therapy for over a decade for it but the shame never leaves me. That's where the bulk of my wishes to CTB come from.

I never really talk about it because it's just too painful. I could barely even tell my ex girlfriend. She had to hold me and let me cry for quite a few minutes before I could even shakily tell her. I share it here because I'm an anon and I'm a changed woman now. It feels better getting it out too. I know how wrong it was and is. Everyone tells me to let it go but I just can't. Her crying and screams of terror haunt my dreams. There's just no amount of good deeds, forgiveness from a higher power, living amends, or even self forgiveness that can undo the pain I feel for her. That poor little girl. I hope she's better and happy. I hope she has a great partner she loves and who loves her the way she deserves and more. I hope she's happy and safe. She never deserved what I did to her. So when I finally CTB, I will think of her.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Apathy79 and TinySlitsThatScream
Apathy79

Apathy79

Mage
Oct 13, 2019
533
I can think of a number of individual things that were pretty bad but I didn't realise it at the time. I used to give feminine guys a particularly hard time at school, many of which came out as gay much later and said that I and people like me were part of the reason they waited so long. I bullied one of my cousins pretty badly as a kid too, although that was much younger. Later in college I beat up a guy who slept with my then girlfriend - the only time I ever threw a punch in my life, and regretted it instantly. I feel ashamed about all of these things and many others when I think about them, but I don't think about them that much.

I think in reality the worst thing I did was waste the tremendous opportunities I was given in life. Choosing comfort and laziness over hard work and contribution. I suspect if you asked the 10 closest people to me to describe my life in a few words, it would be something like "wasted potential". Granted I'm "only" 45, so it's not the end yet, but that's the story so far. As I've heard so often, the biggest mistakes aren't the things we do that we regret, but the things we know we should do but don't.
 
  • Like
Reactions: mikgazer6

Similar threads

toxicjester
Replies
4
Views
354
Suicide Discussion
toxicjester
toxicjester
strawberrydino
Replies
4
Views
189
Suicide Discussion
roommate
roommate
pumpkinpie
Replies
17
Views
564
Suicide Discussion
foreverstardust
F
bugs_for_brains
Replies
2
Views
151
Suicide Discussion
Forever Sleep
F