I think my pain, which is also my suicide fuel, is caused by the fact that life is not an MMO RPG, as I liked to think before I became an adult and began to have a real idea of many things.
What did I mean when I thought that life is an RPG game? - that everyone has approximately equal conditions from the start (everyone appears without any loot and with lvl 1) and can be almost anyone they want in it, and with due effort, they will definitely get everything they strived for. Even if I can't do something now, I just need to hard-work and grind more premetoms or experience, then everything will work out later. I thought that's how it works in life, whether it's raising a level, making money, getting a girlfriend etc.
The closer I got to adulthood, the more my patience collapsed, the more my strength simply ran out, the more reality broke me - there is no equality in life, and believe me, I am not talking about capitalism now. We couldn't choose our looks to our taste from birth like in the character editor of modern RPGs, just as we didn't choose any aspect of our abilities and genetics. For the same reason,we can't be anyone, even if we want to be. Life is not unlimited, our potential to change our quality of life at the most basic level is severely limited.
With inability choosing what parameters our main character will have, our experience and what we will face in life, and what we may never get, also is determined by that. And growing up has only confirmed that nothing will get better over the years, because growing up just preserves the things that are was formed in large part in childhood/teenage, our first place among the hierarchy of people, our first leadership/bullying, first love/loneliness - growing up only preserves what you were doomed from the beginning. Unlike a video game, where you are able to change the parameters of the hero with each stage and as a result the quality of your experience will change - in life these are often constant for us. No matter how hard you try to work on something in yourself, there will always be someone who is more lucky with this, whether it's from birth or something else.
Finally, life isn't a video game, because it was not created for us to enjoy it.
Even if somewhere around 35-40 I find a good job, I will live separately on my own, I will have someone nearby who will love me - I am unlikely to be happy even so. After all, this does not exclude how much I had to suffer for this, it took at least all my best years in my life, while for someone else it was all without much effort due to much less effort and in addition he had a bright carefree life, and for me, to achieve only 1/10 of what he has, I've put in disproportionately more effort.
After all, you have to agree that walking with someone holding hands and kissing for the first time at 30 is not the same as when it happens for the first time at 15. In the first case, the experience of the previous dreary loneliness and the most unpleasant processing will be a dead weight on you, letting you know that life considered you worthy of love only after thoroughly tormenting, humiliating and exhausting you before that.
