Help whats your psychward experience?

[abysss.s]

hello to everyone however this post reaches u

to the USA users who have been in a pyschward, im interested in your experience

my apologies, im going to rant/vent a bit for context

last night i had to choose between the only two people who i could currently call my friends, or atleast someone to talk to. person A ive known for 6 years, dated off and on. person B id known for 2 months, we met off hily and instantly started talking romantically/sexually. person A told me in the past couple days theyd been waiting on me to tell them if i was gnna cut off person B and try a relationship with them again. they also said they wouldnt be there when i ctb if im sexual with anyone else. last night, person B told me he was an hour out from my city and on the way. it wouldve been the first time id ever met him after basically online dating for two months. i ran home after he told me, started a bath to start shaving, andddd decided to eventually block him. the thought of loosing person A, especially during my death, was so lonley. person B had probably driven an hr n a half to see me....and just sees theyre blocked. i feel awful and idk why. i was confident in my decision last night. i wasnt ready to choose, but i dont know when i ever wouldve been. i dont know if i was ready to loose my v*rginity last night either, which wouldve happened if i metup with person B.

anyways anyways.....long story short. being on this forum obviously i was already not dealing well with something, or multiple things in my life. now i loose one of the two people i had any connection with, had to just *snap* make the decision.

im so lost and overwhelmed. niether of them deserve my indecisivness, any of this. but this weight ontop of how uncertain about life i already felt is killing me.

i emailed my insurance company about finding therapists near me, but no response back yet. i dont even know if a one hour therapy session once or twice a week would be enough. idk whats right, and i do not even trust the systems therapy was built off of, so i much less trust the systems that built and operate pysch wards. to add to the fact, i have only ever heard bad things about wards. its not that this alone makes me want to ctb more, its not knowing how i feel about any of it, the not knowing what i want with confidence. itd be nice if someone could lead me in the right direction, ask me questions, work with me.

so basically, im considering checking myself in. ive never wanted to die, i guess no mattered how cornered into it i feel im always hoping at some point ill find a way out. and righr now for once, theres not even a lie im wanting to tell myself to carry on mindlessly. i just want to know my truth, but everything in me says a pysch ward is the last place id find that lol

people of sasu:
-if you have been to a pyschward in the us, what were your experiences? (im in oregon btw)
-will i find trained caring proffesionals who are there to observe and guide me in my times of need, or just people who are waiting to check a box that states im good to get out of their hair....
-any advice? should i go? should i wait for therapy?

 

[Wolf Girl]

I have been in 4 different facilities. One was negative but not traumatizing, one was a very nice facility but a bit cramped, one was an awful facility but the staff were all wonderful, and the last one was both a lovely facility and lovely. The last one helped me a lot. I really like inpatient treatment when it's positive. I remember a staff at that facility saying "our job as staff is to make this horrible experience as comfortable as possible for you."

It's scary because it's hit or miss, but I strongly encourage you to try it if your gut is telling you to.

 

[abysss.s]

I have been in 4 different facilities. One was negative but not traumatizing, one was a very nice facility but a bit cramped, one was an awful facility but the staff were all wonderful, and the last one was both a lovely facility and lovely. The last one helped me a lot. I really like inpatient treatment when it's positive. I remember a staff at that facility saying "our job as staff is to make this horrible experience as comfortable as possible for you."

It's scary because it's hit or miss, but I strongly encourage you to try it if your gut is telling you to.

thank you a million for reading my post and replying

im nervous because of it being a huge hit or miss. if you dont mind me asking, with your four experiences were you admitted via yourself or others? im wondering if the lovely impatient experience was just chance or if you searched for any of the places prior, and if you did search on ur own what positives to look for

apologies as well if my questions are void, im not savvy on if you can choose what place you go to even if its self admitted

 

[cowplantabduction]

My only psych ward experience was deeply traumatizing- I was emotionally and sexually abused, deprived of my basic human rights, subjected to bullying both from nurses and other patients, had my meds taken from me cold turkey (causing horrific withdrawal side effects), and forced to endure a chronic pain flare up with no pain relief or even a comfortable place to lie down, I had to lay on the floor as we weren't allowed inside our bedrooms during the day. The entire experience made me MORE suicidal, not less, and I was almost forced to stay there for even longer against my will because I wasn't improving (because the psych ward was inherently detrimental to my health). I went voluntarily but could not leave when I wanted to and had to wait an additional week while they decided if they would "allow" it.

I'm not saying my experience is universal, but personally I would advise you to wait for therapy rather than risk ending up going through what I went through. You could try to find a therapist that takes your insurance yourself through Psychology Today, that's what I've done.

 

[abysss.s]

My only psych ward experience was deeply traumatizing- I was emotionally and sexually abused, deprived of my basic human rights, subjected to bullying both from nurses and other patients, had my meds taken from me cold turkey (causing horrific withdrawal side effects), and forced to endure a chronic pain flare up with no pain relief or even a comfortable place to lie down, I had to lay on the floor as we weren't allowed inside our bedrooms during the day. The entire experience made me MORE suicidal, not less, and I was almost forced to stay there for even longer against my will because I wasn't improving (because the psych ward was inherently detrimental to my health). I went voluntarily but could not leave when I wanted to and had to wait an additional week while they decided if they would "allow" it.

I'm not saying my experience is universal, but personally I would advise you to wait for therapy rather than risk ending up going through what I went through. You could try to find a therapist that takes your insurance yourself through Psychology Today, that's what I've done.

i really appreciate you taking the time to read my post and share your expereince

that sounds absolutley fucking awful , and is exactly what im terrified of. the way everything is built it seems we run the risk of getting an experience on par to being locked up in a camp, when looking for help on how to not off urself.

im gonna spend part of my afternoon therapist searching

take care, im hoping for your own sake u have found better care in therapy

 

[Wolf Girl]

thank you a million for reading my post and replying

im nervous because of it being a huge hit or miss. if you dont mind me asking, with your four experiences were you admitted via yourself or others? im wondering if the lovely impatient experience was just chance or if you searched for any of the places prior, and if you did search on ur own what positives to look for

apologies as well if my questions are void, im not savvy on if you can choose what place you go to even if its self admitted

Four of my admissions were actually involuntary, but I was pretty willing. They just wanted to detain me involuntarily so that I couldn't sign myself out before I'm ready and kill myself. I asked for a specific facility during my last involuntary stay and it was the best one. There are not enough psych beds in the US, so they will place you where there is room, but you can absolutely request a specific facility.

I find inpatient helpful when I am in the limbo of "the pain is unbearable, but I can't/don't want to die yet." Last time I spent hours sitting by the window and practicing thinking of the most painful things in my life and staying calm, sitting with it, not going straight to suicide. It was helpful. Definitely try to bond with another patient so you have a buddy.

 

[abysss.s]

Four of my admissions were actually involuntary, but I was pretty willing. They just wanted to detain me involuntarily so that I couldn't sign myself out before I'm ready and kill myself. I asked for a specific facility during my last involuntary stay and it was the best one. There are not enough psych beds in the US, so they will place you where there is room, but you can absolutely request a specific facility.

I find inpatient helpful when I am in the limbo of "the pain is unbearable, but I can't/don't want to die yet." Last time I spent hours sitting by the window and practicing thinking of the most painful things in my life and staying calm, sitting with it, not going straight to suicide. It was helpful. Definitely try to bond with another patient so you have a buddy.

thank you again. i didnt know about the process, but i shouldve assumed the beds are too full to pick and choose lol

i feel in a very similar place. the pain, the stress is getting increasingly unbearable, but death only ever feels like an unwanted conclusion i jump to when feeling this way. exactly how you mentioned, feeling like i go straight to suicide when painful things cross my mind. i will keep the practice of just sitting with it in mind, ward or not. its a good one, thank you

im gonna spend my day looking therapists but also defintley still at wards, so that if it comes to that point i know of ones i will strongly request and strongly request against

hoping you have found/find some help that works for you as well

 

[WonderWhatsOutThere]

It's pretty 50/50 on the treatment you will get. If it's voluntary though, you'll have a much better experience by virtue of choosing to be there rather than being forced (it makes a huge difference mentally) but I'm going to share an excerpt from something I wrote about my experience with all this

The hospitalizations broke me too much anyways. Hearing horrible stories about people's lives, seeing others collapse and having to be escorted out, and being treated as inhuman again and again and again all while being told "well, you can choose what attitude you have towards this" and silenced when I spoke out. It taught me that we are only considered human as long as we are acceptable. That is not a truth that I can carry with me for the rest of my life. Knowing that the people around me, even strangers, have the power to put me through that again because they believe they are some kind of savior and doing what's best for me

 

[abysss.s]

It's pretty 50/50 on the treatment you will get. If it's voluntary though, you'll have a much better experience by virtue of choosing to be there rather than being forced (it makes a huge difference mentally) but I'm going to share an excerpt from something I wrote about my experience with all this

The hospitalizations broke me too much anyways. Hearing horrible stories about people's lives, seeing others collapse and having to be escorted out, and being treated as inhuman again and again and again all while being told "well, you can choose what attitude you have towards this" and silenced when I spoke out. It taught me that we are only considered human as long as we are acceptable. That is not a truth that I can carry with me for the rest of my life. Knowing that the people around me, even strangers, have the power to put me through that again because they believe they are some kind of savior and doing what's best for me

thank you for taking the time to read my whole post and respond

what you said makes me wonder as well: does self admittance not only affect your mental experience but also the treatment you will get from staff, i assume worse treatment is more likely if you resist any step along the way :/ which is scary. in my case id try and be accepting, but the whole reason for going is there are things in my life i have trouble accepting, trouble helping myself on, trouble accepting help from others

which leads into what u said about not being seen as human unless u are acceptable. and i feel how going thru smth like that could leave u with the fear of being forced back, god.

anyways, i rant on, my apologies. i will defintley be keeping in mind your experience as well so thank you. its rlly starting to seem like the risk of inescapable trauma in a ward isnt worth it. i hope you have been able to find help from somewhere else that benefits you, and recover from some of that trauma. thank you again for sharing

psa, id be interested in reading more of what you wrote on the experience if you are ever comfortable sharing. it comes off like u have atleast written a couple pages, which id love to read

 

[WonderWhatsOutThere]

thank you for taking the time to read my whole post and respond

what you said makes me wonder as well: does self admittance not only affect your mental experience but also the treatment you will get from staff, i assume worse treatment is more likely if you resist any step along the way :/ which is scary. in my case id try and be accepting, but the whole reason for going is there are things in my life i have trouble accepting, trouble helping myself on, trouble accepting help from others

which leads into what u said about not being seen as human unless u are acceptable. and i feel how going thru smth like that could leave u with the fear of being forced back, god.

anyways, i rant on, my apologies. i will defintley be keeping in mind your experience as well so thank you. its rlly starting to seem like the risk of inescapable trauma in a ward isnt worth it. i hope you have been able to find help from somewhere else that benefits you, and recover from some of that trauma. thank you again for sharing

psa, id be interested in reading more of what you wrote on the experience if you are ever comfortable sharing. it comes off like u have atleast written a couple pages, which id love to read

That excerpt is actually from a letter I'm working on, so it contains mostly stuff unrelated to the hospitalizations. But I have been wanting to write my full experience so I'll send it to you once it's done!