When did u fully decide?

[StrawberryRed]

I remember when my ideation moved from passive to active around a year ago. I was being ghosted by a long term friend, and I was walking back home from the bus. I discovered that she had blocked me and I had freaked out and started BAWLING in public. Where I live is very busy, it by a bunch of stores and theres 2 schools nearby and it was like 4 PM. So there was alot of people around. I realized that I didnt even care that so many people were staring and I didnt even now If I cared about my friend either. It was just a reason to let out how I had been feeling. Walking home crying, I thought about how none of it mattered and how I had been trying SOOO hard to keep it together for people who didnt even care about me. I made the decision that I was done trying to and that I should finally just do what I wanted, which was kms. Very dramatic story Ik LMAO. What was the turning point dor you? Any inciting incident?

 

[czzod]

i can't remember an exact turning point but i know it was sometime during middle school. my passive thoughts became more and i realized that no one really liked me, my anxiety was super high too so that didn't help at all. i was grasping at straws dying for someone to pay attention and see what i was going through but most people just ignored it so i thought it was normal. back then i thought i wouldn't even make it to 18. as of now, i definitely am still thinking about it but i accepted that my life will probably end at 21

 

[TheHolySword]

I've known for a long time that this is how it would end. Only a few months to go now. It still seems like an eternity away.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Around 3 and a half years ago when the last bit of hope was taken from me. The fact that I still am here all that time later either speaks to my cowardice or some ridiculous part of me hoping things will "change" for the better. Either way, I have been ready since then. Just have to take that step back into the ether.

 

[Trakehner]

I've been suicidal for many years and have made 3 serious attempts. The last one was September 2022. In April the next year, I began making more formal and effective plans. This year especially in the second half I became determined to die as soon as possible.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I decided a few months ago when the weather started turning cold and rainy. I was staying in a small trailer at my mom's house and it was so claustrophobic that I think I was literally on the verge going insane. I'm bipolar and I had a psychotic episode earlier this year which got me locked up in the psych ward, so the though of it happening again is really scary.

My mom is dirt poor, so I barely had enough power to heat my trailer, and when I went to the house it wasn't much warmer because they can't afford much firewood. Everything is a bit broken, even the doorknobs barely work, the shower is broken, and the toilet has a giant crack in the tank. My mom, uncle, and aunt all live in the same small house, and I felt like adding myself was too much. They live in the country far from town so it was isolating.

Something in me snapped and I decided I just couldn't live this broken life anymore. I started searching for places to jump and drove 2 hours to a bridge in the nearest city. It turned out that my plan to jump there wasn't viable, but I've found a better method and plan to CTB within weeks.

 

[princessame]

I had been isolated and emotionally/verbally abused for nearly all of my life, and it was taking its toll on me. I felt like I was going to be trapped in that home forever, with no true escape, constantly being miserable and hurt and on edge all the time. Zero freedom, zero choices.. and I was pretty young too when I was thinking about all of this stuff (like, I was around 10 when these thoughts started?) I didn't actually take any action until I was a few months into being 18, and I felt truly helpless. I was an adult, but things hadn't changed. I was still trapped, I didn't have a job or transportation, and I felt like i couldn't just leave without major consequence, like my stuff getting destroyed while I was gone (I am very possessive of my items, as they are one of the only few things I felt like would never hurt/leave me, and I had absolute control over, and were predictable). The ultimate decider was when my parents were freaking out over me having a C in a class I think.. so I decided that if I was always going to be a "failure" and trapped there for good, I may as well just end it all so I didn't have to live through the rest of that pain.
I'm glad that failed, though. I was able to move out a few months after and things have been looking up for me. I just hope it can stay that way..

 

[mercutiomartis]

I remember the switch from passive to active really vividly because I was like holy shit, I might die if I don't do something to stop myself right now. It was about a year ago after I had a psychotic episode. I had just gotten out of the hospital so the psychotic symptoms were gone, but then I had this sinking feeling that I would probably continue to have those episodes for the rest of my life and I realized it's not something I want to live with. It's been pretty active since with varying degrees of severity over the last year. Prior to that I would think "I wanna die" but I wouldn't really think about how that would look logistically.

 

[RandomGirl52]

probably around a year to two years ago when all my friends left me, it started being REALLY serious in the past few months with starting to sh and tieing my noose

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally never wished to exist and never would do no matter what, I just want the peace of never suffering ever again over the pain of being enslaved in this deeply undesirable existence just waiting to die anyway. Non-existence truly is the only relief for me, I find existence to be a terrible, tragic mistake in general that just causes so much harm, I'd never wish to suffer in this harmful, torturous existence, I find it a burden to exist in general, I'd always prefer to painlessly cease existing than suffer all for the sake of it just to be tortured by old age and die anyway, it truly terrifies me how a human can suffer so long, I wish I could simply choose to painlessly die in peace and never suffer ever again, I only hope for non-existence and it's all I'll wish for.