Discussion When guilt turns to aggression.

[Forever Sleep]

Has anyone noticed this trait? That sometimes, when a person feels bad or guilty about something with someone- you'd think it would be expressed as compassion towards them but instead, it comes out as anger and aggression.

As a few examples, someone I worked with once had another colleague who obviously had a huge crush on them. Their crush would literally do anything for them. I think this made them feel guilty ultimately because they did accept all that they did. Maybe even exploited it. But, instead of just being grateful but stern that nothing romantic was possible between them, they'd be nasty to them- to the point of cruelty. Maybe I could understand it that they were trying to push them away but, there was more than that. It felt like real mallice there.

Another example I think is when parents feel bad for the situation we are in. Ultimately- because they birthed us into this mess but sometimes also- that we may have not had the upbringing or opportunities to equip us for it. Rather than feeling sorry though, sometimes this also comes out as aggression/ frustration: 'Everyone struggles in life, if only you'd had my life- you've had it easy. Why do you think you're special?'

Lastly, it relates to suicide also. I think people do sometimes feel angry with the person that died. Maybe that they forced that grief on them but I think it's also related to guilt. I think people do feel guilt following a suicide. Maybe there was more they could have done to support the person.

I suppose in general, we don't like to feel guilt. So- we feel angry towards the people who make us feel guilty. What do you think? Have you ever come across this?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think you nailed the point already. Guilt is such an uncomfortable feeling to feel that for many people they have no idea how to manage it except by expressing anger. Guilt is such an awful emotion because you can literally have everything going for you but that in and of itself is a huge source of guilt if your life is already perfect when it really isn't for pretty much everybody else who's ever lived or ever will live. Even for people who have suffered greatly and only just recently gotten away from it, they can't help but be tied to other people who are still being made to endure the same pain and it can feel extremely uncomfortable to feel anything positive knowing you only saved yourself and not everybody else so now it can feel like it suddenly became your job to not only save yourself but also to save everyone else, it's no wonder people might get mad.

Of course there's other examples or ways to feel guilty, that's just what comes to mind for me…

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think you nailed the point already. Guilt is such an uncomfortable feeling to feel that for many people they have no idea how to manage it except by expressing anger. Guilt is such an awful emotion because you can literally have everything going for you but that in and of itself is a huge source of guilt if your life is already perfect when it really isn't for pretty much everybody else who's ever lived or ever will live. Even for people who have suffered greatly and only just recently gotten away from it, they can't help but be tied to other people who are still being made to endure the same pain and it can feel extremely uncomfortable to feel anything positive knowing you only saved yourself and not everybody else so now it can feel like it suddenly became your job to not only save yourself but also to save everyone else, it's no wonder people might get mad.

Of course there's other examples or ways to feel guilty, that's just what comes to mind for me…

That's a very altruistic way to feel guilt. It didn't even occur to me to be honest! (And you say you're the bad person.) I guess because I hadn't thought too much about how it might come out in anger/ frustration. But, I think there are even examples there. People don't like being called out for not being vegan for example. The conversations quite often become very defensive. People will even outright take the piss out of vegetarians/ vegans. Maybe not so much now but, they used to.

Not that I was vegetarian at this point but I went through a stage where I lost a lot of weight- over 5 stone. I ate vegetables and nuts at work constantly. Not that I would say anything to others about their meals or even what I was trying to do. (Lose weight to try and pull my neighbour!) But literally, I couldn't sit with others without someone making a remark- 'Ooh, that's healthy... Rabbit food again... Why don't you have a jacket potato?' It got to a point it just felt easier to sit alone. The worse thing is- I think I would probably say that to someone who was (uncharacteristically) eating healthily but maybe it was because I wasn't and felt bad about it.

Changing the subject though, it's amazing how differently people treat you when you're thinner or fatter. It was quite an interesting social experiment in a way. Like other things too. I read an article once on a guy who wanted to experience racism first hand. So, he went through procedures to change his skin colour temporarily:

John Howard Griffin: Black Like me

www.torch.ox.ac.uk

It would maybe be good if we could all live a few months in another person's shoes. Maybe we'd be more compassionate to one another. Very offtopic but, it's my thread so, who cares?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

It would maybe be good if we could all live a few months in another person's shoes. Maybe we'd be more compassionate to one another.

Wonder if that would make guilt more or less of a problem?

 

[Forever Sleep]

Wonder if that would make guilt more or less of a problem?

Yeah- good point. Probably more.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

I'm probably revisiting points that were already made, but maybe not.
I think sometimes guilt is such an awful feeling so much so that we can't handle it, so we turn the self-destructive feeling outward and onto others to get rid of it. Essentially avoiding it. Misplaced anger, projection, transference, whatever. It's really the disgust and hatred for ourselves because we feel undeserving of the positive treatment that we're given, and we lash out because that unearned kindness is causing us to confront our discomfort with ourselves and why we are guilt-ridden.
Wth wants to feel that?

In all of the scenarios I see being discussed, it seems that "safety" and "comfort" are the basis behind everything we do or don't do. Do whatever it takes to not feel the anxiety, fear, and pain that comes from any other negative emotion. Constantly trying to protect yourself and stay in your safe bubble where things can't hurt you. In other words, all of our thoughts and decisions seems to boil down to that fact of safeguarding ourselves. How to break those chains so you're not a slave to your own fear? I can't say.

(I'm usually posting through chronic massive head aches so my thinking is skewed so I just cross my fingers that what I say translates and/or makes sense )