Venting When my dog goes, I go.

[wljourney]

"When my dog goes, I'll go."

Well. I said goodbye to my little guy yesterday. My heart is completely shattered and I told him as he was drifting off that I would join him very, very soon.

He was my purpose.
He was my reason to keep on going so I could take care of him.

Last night I ended up being tired, sad and exhausted and took my regular sleep meds. I expected a few texts from acquaintances who knew that my dog had been euthanized, so I felt it would be safer to stick around and answer their messages (to prevent being found too early).

Well.
It seems I'm just making excuses.
I'm a coward and am breaking the promise I made to my dog.

I'm still here.

The PPH says to do it in the evening (it is)
To have a light snack (I did)
I should be taking Meto right now and N in about 2 hrs.

Everything is prepared.
Will, paperwork, notes for sister and friend. List of friends/doctors to inform.
I even wrote a note for the coroner so they know what I used.

But I'm stuck.
I'm scared.

The foul taste of N.
And actually ending it.
Or worse: failing.

I have 2x100ml of pento (N), but I'm on the heavy side and I'm scared of both: failing and succeeding.

My life will not get better. I'm chronically ill. My best friend and companion has now passed. I have no purpose left and only pain and more ineffective treatments (and waitlists) to look forward to.

I'm broke and continue to financially selfharm. I have no future other than more suffering.

Why the F… can't I drink this effing stuff and be done with it?

 

[dolemitedrums]

Sorry for the loss of your friend. Do you have nobody else who, like your dog, benefits from your presence in the world?

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

"When my dog goes, I'll go."

Well. I said goodbye to my little guy yesterday. My heart is completely shattered and I told him as he was drifting off that I would join him very, very soon.

He was my purpose.
He was my reason to keep on going so I could take care of him.

Last night I ended up being tired, sad and exhausted and took my regular sleep meds. I expected a few texts from acquaintances who knew that my dog had been euthanized, so I felt it would be safer to stick around and answer their messages (to prevent being found too early).

Well.
It seems I'm just making excuses.
I'm a coward and am breaking the promise I made to my dog.

I'm still here.

The PPH says to do it in the evening (it is)
To have a light snack (I did)
I should be taking Meto right now and N in about 2 hrs.

Everything is prepared.
Will, paperwork, notes for sister and friend. List of friends/doctors to inform.
I even wrote a note for the coroner so they know what I used.

But I'm stuck.
I'm scared.

The foul taste of N.
And actually ending it.
Or worse: failing.

I have 2x100ml of pento (N), but I'm on the heavy side and I'm scared of both: failing and succeeding.

My life will not get better. I'm chronically ill. My best friend and companion has now passed. I have no purpose left and only pain and more ineffective treatments (and waitlists) to look forward to.

I'm broke and continue to financially selfharm. I have no future other than more suffering.

Why the F… can't I drink this effing stuff and be done with it?

si is very difficult to overcome. i have a shotgun loaded 2 feet away . all it takes is a few minutes to shoot myself. logically i know i should shoot myself but scared of failure , many other things.

one pull of the trigger, one move of one finger but i'm scared of shooting myself. don't know why .

 

[wljourney]

S

Sorry for the loss of your friend. Do you have nobody else who, like your dog, benefits from your presence in the world?

Sadly no. For many reasons.

The people who say they are my friends pity me and don't want to be bothered by sick-people-problems.
They have their own shit to deal with and rather avoid me.

And my therapist just told me she won't be able to continue therapy beyond July/August.

si is very difficult to overcome. i have a shotgun loaded 2 feet away . all it takes is a few minutes to shoot myself. logically i know i should shoot myself but scared of failure , many other things.

one pull of the trigger, one move of one finger but i'm scared of shooting myself. don't know why .

Oh I would be too scared of shooting myself too. Risk of failure. The pain. Yikes.

The thing is - I watched my dog just fall asleep within a minute from the same stuff I'll be drinking.
It was so quick and painless.
He just fell asleep.
No crying. No sounds.
Just nodded off and I felt how his heart stopped beating and then his breathing stopped a few seconds later.

It was so peaceful.
Yet here I am wandering back and forth.

 

[dolemitedrums]

Well all I know about you personally is that you are a good pet owner. You're one for one anyway and already more of a credit to the world than some.

 

[wljourney]

Well all I know about you personally is that you are a good pet owner. You're one for one anyway and already more of a credit to the world than some.

Thank you - but… not anymore. And I feel I betrayed his trust and let him go while not holding up my part of the deal.

Well. Not tonight at least.
Maybe tomorrow…

 

[dolemitedrums]

Thank you - but… not anymore. And I feel I betrayed his trust and let him go while not holding up my part of the deal.

Well. Not tonight at least.
Maybe tomorrow…

What part of the deal do you feel you didn't hold up? Sounds like you took care of him until it was time for him to make his way to the Rainbow Bridge.

 

[yyytry]

Tears are rolling down my face reading your words.

My dog is still with me. 14 years. And I'm waiting to go after he goes. I don't have N.
My plan is full suspension.

If I had N, I would be chugging it hard after seeing the dog go. Screw the plans and notifications.

I'm so sorry your dog baby has passed on. They gave him a peaceful exit. Fuck, the tears are streaming down my face. I wish you peace. I know you're heartbroken.

 

[davidtorez]

Don't be harsh on yourself. Suicide isn't easy, and I like you, have 2 x 100ml of pento also waiting for me, and have the antiemetics, I have the place to not be found for at least 24 hours . I just don't have the guts yet , as you said the purported foul taste, the fear of failure also , as my pento is from 2018. You're only human after all. I wish you peace and happiness and sorry for your loss of your beloved pet. Dogs are truly the best .

 

[dolemitedrums]

Don't be harsh on yourself. Suicide isn't easy, and I like you, have 2 x 100ml of pento also waiting for me, and have the antiemetics, I have the place to not be found for at least 24 hours . I just don't have the guts yet , as you said the purported foul taste, the fear of failure also , as my pento is from 2018. You're only human after all. I wish you peace and happiness and sorry for your loss of your beloved pet. Dogs are truly the best .

My goodness where are you guys getting all this N? This is my pipe dream and you just have it laying around like the politicians and judges in Don Corleone's pockets.

 

[davidtorez]

My goodness where are you guys getting all this N? This is my pipe dream and you just have it laying around like the politicians and judges in Don Corleone's pockets.

Got mine in 2018 from AV. Wasn't that hard back then when he was around

 

[MarkSmith73]

Very sorry for the loss of your dog. I feel the same way about my 2 cats. You seem like a very caring person and you were there for him until the very end. I think our natural instinct is to hang on until the last possible second. Personally I'd ease into it slowly with relaxing sleeping pills and borboun. You have 2 very effective and pain-free methods. I can't imagine ever getting N in this day and time. There's no hurry. Only when you're truly ready.

 

[wljourney]

Tears are rolling down my face reading your words.

My dog is still with me. 14 years. And I'm waiting to go after he goes. I don't have N.
My plan is full suspension.

If I had N, I would be chugging it hard after seeing the dog go. Screw the plans and notifications.

I'm so sorry your dog baby has passed on. They gave him a peaceful exit. Fuck, the tears are streaming down my face. I wish you peace. I know you're heartbroken.

Thank you so much. Give your pup an extra treat from me today! And one thing I didn't do enough is take videos of him before he became sick. Take all the pics and videos!!

I've been looking at pics since he left and keep watching a clip of him having puppy dreams.
I want him back so bad.

I know he was sick and likely in pain, but I still wonder if I should have muscled through a few more weeks.

It's too late now and I think I'll be following him tonight.

Hugs to you and your pup.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you can find peace.

 

[yyytry]

Thank you so much. Give your pup an extra treat from me today! And one thing I didn't do enough is take videos of him before he became sick. Take all the pics and videos!!

I've been looking at pics since he left and keep watching a clip of him having puppy dreams.
I want him back so bad.

I know he was sick and likely in pain, but I still wonder if I should have muscled through a few more weeks.

It's too late now and I think I'll be following him tonight.

Hugs to you and your pup.

Thats very good advice for any pet owner—take videos and pictures. I have a lot and still take more.

We send our love to you and your pup.
If you go tonight, I wish you the most peaceful exit and reunion with the little guy.

Hugs and love

 

[Tommen Baratheon]

I've lost a few pets in my life. When I had to put my 4yo Boxer down in 2006 it made quite an impact, but there was one (anonymous) quote that stuck with me:

'Euthanasia is the greatest gift we give our pets, we are taking their pain and making it our own.'

I still felt like shit, but in a way, it gave me some comfort. You will see your friend again at the end of the rainbow, when it's your time, be it today or tomorrow or even further in the future.

 

[wljourney]

Thank you everyone!
I so appreciate your supportive and kind comments.

I have taken 10 mg Meto just now and plan to take another 15mg in about an hour, then 45-60 min later N.

I have printed a few of my favourite pics of my dog and pinned them across the TV opposite my bed. And if I do go through with it, I'll be holding his leash as I drift asleep.

If you don't hear from me over the next 24-48 hrs you'll know I've joined him and we are both at peace.

Hugs to you all!

 

[greebo6]

So sorry to hear of the loss of your furry best friend. It hurts so much when they go its difficult to put into words.
I can understand that you want to join him now.
Good luck. I hope you find peace.

 

[wljourney]

I've lost a few pets in my life. When I had to put my 4yo Boxer down in 2006 it made quite an impact, but there was one (anonymous) quote that stuck with me:

'Euthanasia is the greatest gift we give our pets, we are taking their pain and making it our own.'

I still felt like shit, but in a way, it gave me some comfort. You will see your friend again at the end of the rainbow, when it's your time, be it today or tomorrow or even further in the future.

That is such a true and good quote! Thank you!

Yes, we truly do take on their pain!

This morning I woke up from some kind of noise that my brain made into him breathing/sighing. I keep tiptoeing into the living room to make sure I don't wake up the pup… and then realize he is gone and won't come back.


Well. With a bit of effort and luck I'll be with him soon.

Thank you again for your kindness. I so appreciate it.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Losing your best friend like that is never easy. I say the same thing about my companion, my cat of over a decade, he's been with me through every fent relapse, through every major move, hurricane evac, heartbreak. When he goes, I go too. Feeling for you. Peace to you OP, we are with you.

 

[Oneness]

Your dog was fortunate - dying without an understanding of death is a profound blessing. He crossed over without the burden of intellectualizing or fearing what comes after. For us humans, death is far more complex because we contemplate and magnify its significance.

Whether you proceed with your intentions or not, take solace in knowing that your dog has found eternal peace.

I wish you all the best <3

 

[yyytry]

I believe OP has found their peaceful exit with N.

No more posts since earlier.

Rest in peace

 

[feelinggloomy]

Peace

 

[Beer_is_all_I_have]

@feelinggloomy @yyytry

I knew her, B, through other channels and she has indeed CTBed. I'm not sure how they will ever find her but the authorities should email me an official notice.

She and my soulmate were 2 of the last few to get N from D. She was extremely comforting throughout the CTB of my soulmate. I am eternally grateful for her help and love.

I hope those that have been around for 2-3 years recognize her selfless contributions about N, SN, and life's confusing twists. We talked for hours and I appreciate just what a beautiful, helping soul she was.

 

[BojackHorseman]

Rest in peace, kind soul. If there is an afterlife, I hope you've been reunited with your precious friend.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

S

Sadly no. For many reasons.

The people who say they are my friends pity me and don't want to be bothered by sick-people-problems.
They have their own shit to deal with and rather avoid me.

And my therapist just told me she won't be able to continue therapy beyond July/August.

Oh I would be too scared of shooting myself too. Risk of failure. The pain. Yikes.

The thing is - I watched my dog just fall asleep within a minute from the same stuff I'll be drinking.
It was so quick and painless.
He just fell asleep.
No crying. No sounds.
Just nodded off and I felt how his heart stopped beating and then his breathing stopped a few seconds later.

It was so peaceful.
Yet here I am wandering back and forth.

I used to say the same thing as you however my beloved staffie Max passed away 2 year's ago and I'm also still here! I don't feel guilty for not doing as l said l would as my health tells me l don't have much longer anyway but I'm still trying to find someone who'll scatter my ashes along with the ashes of my 2 rescue dog's which embarrassingly l have not achieved yet! Anyhoo my Warmest regards SaSu friend