When nobody suspects a thing…

[MeowWantsToGoHome]

Does anybody else ever think about how unsettling it is when nobody around you suspects you're about to CTB?

It's been a few months now that I've gotten truly serious about putting effort into my next—and hopefully final—attempt. My SN is nearly here and I couldn't be more relieved. But I also can't help but think about how perfectly discreet I've been to the point where nobody suspects at all what's about to happen. It's such a sad thought, how my family is none the wiser and thinks that everything is fine. It's going to be beyond shocking to them when I'm found.

I mean, my boyfriend has always known that I have severe depression, and I make passing comments about being miserable all the time. But I feel like nobody truly takes those things seriously, and not just with me. It's one thing to acknowledge and know that someone you love is severely depressed and suicidal, and it's a whole other to actually imagine for a moment that they would ever act on it.

I do feel deeply sorry for what I'm going to put them through. I keep imagining myself from their perspective, and how scary it is to realize that you never truly know someone—what's going with them, or what they're thinking. If I lost someone the same way they're about to lose me, completely unexpectedly… Devastation and whiplash don't even begin to cover the depth of what I'd feel. It almost makes me wish they knew so that they could at least be somewhat prepared. But I don't know what's worse, honestly…

 

[_Maya]

I like how i've hidden my thoughts about ctb from people. Apart for some some other SaSu friends, i don't think i'm gonna tell anyone else when i'm going to attempt ctb.
I want my last days to be no different to any other day, i don't want to be pitied just because i'm going to die. I just want to have a happy day.

 

[Jadeith]

But I feel like nobody truly takes those things seriously, and not just with me.

Same here. Basically only one person knows for sure that i want to be gone and that's because a) i said that directly, w/o any discreet speech figures, b) that person actually attempted to ctb and knows first hand what it's like to be suicidal.
Fam & colleagues on the other hand - might suspect that my mind isn't always where expected but as you said, even if they do, they don't take it seriously or don't think it's actually that severe.

 

[MeowWantsToGoHome]

I like how i've hidden my thoughts about ctb from people. Apart for some some other SaSu friends, i don't think i'm gonna tell anyone else when i'm going to attempt ctb.
I want my last days to be no different to any other day, i don't want to be pitied just because i'm going to die. I just want to have a happy day.

That's very true. I'm definitely not going to actually say anything. I agree with you in just wanting it to be no different than any other day.

 

[sunbleachedflies]

I understand how you feel. I hope everything goes according to your plan.

 

[InTheStars]

Well you can talk to your mom and dad about yout depression, at least try to seek some help.

 

[sadsoni]

My family knows but don't care. I put on a face for other people so probably noone knows although neighbors know am depressed. Playing cool and keeping up appearances is super- hard and I really wana scream my heart out most of the time.

 

[yourfaulty]

I find it a bit disappointing, honestly, but at the same time I don't really feel upset about it. I know if someone asked about it or tried to help me, I wouldn't be receptive. But, the thing for me is, it's not that no one knows about my mental health. I make no effort to hide it from the family I live with. I think that makes it a bit worse. To have them know of your suffering, but still be clueless as to why you'd choose to die, or why you'd choose to, seems hurtful to me for reasons I can't pinpoint at the moment.

It's not that they don't care, I think it's more of a disbelief. I know they do care, probably more than I expect, honestly. But if they acknowledge my self harm and mental state, it makes it more real. They will feel pressure to help, and guilty about allowing it to happen in the first place. They've seen my scars, even when they're pretty fresh, they know I eat less than once a day on average. My mother has told me I "need to stop doing that," (not in a scolding way, but more as a plea, so-to-speak,) but I guess she doesn't know how serious it really is... you know, despite the fact it's been going on for years, I completely avoid from any voluntary human interaction, struggling with academics, struggling with self care, and the whole eating thing, of course. I imagine it's hard to believe they actually do care if they willfully ignore it, but they do make passive efforts. Buying me food occasionally if they know for sure I haven't eaten, trying to force me out of the house, asking how my classes are going. Not very helpful, but the attempts are there, even if it's not very frequent.

Returning to the main subject of ctb, I firmly believe they would/will be entirely shocked. I imagine the train of thought would be "I knew she'd been upset lately, but I never though she'd kill herself." Just the result of them either willfully or unintentionally minimizing what they've been seeing for years now.

Out side of my family, no one would have the slightest clue, besides my boyfriend, who is not part of this discussion because he wouldn't be blindsided by it. I act relatively normal around other people, if a little shy. I can have relatively normal conversations, though I'm on the (much) quieter side, I'm still opinionated, I can talk about the future despite having little to no belief I'll actually be part of it, and I have things I "enjoy" (they are forms of escapism, like reading constantly to pretend I'm anywhere other than this reality). Everyone has a sort of basic gist that I'm a bit "off." It's no secret I'm reserved and asocial, and if I talk to someone beyond uncomfortable small-talk, they'll get the sense I'm pessimistic and just a bit socially inept. But suicide? No, they think I'm just an introverted weird girl.

Anyway, I wish you the best, and I hope things go according to plan for you. I hope the outcome is as desired. Much love

 

[PromisedLand]

I previously told too many people about my suicidal thoughts, and had a couple of failed attempts. It just made people resent me, and I think they thought I was attention seeking. They then just distance themselves from me, because they are scared of it, and fear liability, etc. What I have learned is that it is just not a good idea to tell anybody these things.

So I am now in the messy position of having to convince people around me that I no longer have these thoughts, and making promises that deep down I know I probably won't ultimately keep.

I've decided that when I'm ready to try again, I will not be telling anybody. If I fail, nobody will know. If I succeed, then they will find out however they find out.

 

[Nobodi]

No one knows nor do I care they put thier vices above the resosiblity of the family so fuck them. I hate them. All I have is myself and it's all I need

 

[MeowWantsToGoHome]

I find it a bit disappointing, honestly, but at the same time I don't really feel upset about it. I know if someone asked about it or tried to help me, I wouldn't be receptive. But, the thing for me is, it's not that no one knows about my mental health. I make no effort to hide it from the family I live with. I think that makes it a bit worse. To have them know of your suffering, but still be clueless as to why you'd choose to die, or why you'd choose to, seems hurtful to me for reasons I can't pinpoint at the moment.

It's not that they don't care, I think it's more of a disbelief. I know they do care, probably more than I expect, honestly. But if they acknowledge my self harm and mental state, it makes it more real. They will feel pressure to help, and guilty about allowing it to happen in the first place. They've seen my scars, even when they're pretty fresh, they know I eat less than once a day on average. My mother has told me I "need to stop doing that," (not in a scolding way, but more as a plea, so-to-speak,) but I guess she doesn't know how serious it really is... you know, despite the fact it's been going on for years, I completely avoid from any voluntary human interaction, struggling with academics, struggling with self care, and the whole eating thing, of course. I imagine it's hard to believe they actually do care if they willfully ignore it, but they do make passive efforts. Buying me food occasionally if they know for sure I haven't eaten, trying to force me out of the house, asking how my classes are going. Not very helpful, but the attempts are there, even if it's not very frequent.

Returning to the main subject of ctb, I firmly believe they would/will be entirely shocked. I imagine the train of thought would be "I knew she'd been upset lately, but I never though she'd kill herself." Just the result of them either willfully or unintentionally minimizing what they've been seeing for years now.

Out side of my family, no one would have the slightest clue, besides my boyfriend, who is not part of this discussion because he wouldn't be blindsided by it. I act relatively normal around other people, if a little shy. I can have relatively normal conversations, though I'm on the (much) quieter side, I'm still opinionated, I can talk about the future despite having little to no belief I'll actually be part of it, and I have things I "enjoy" (they are forms of escapism, like reading constantly to pretend I'm anywhere other than this reality). Everyone has a sort of basic gist that I'm a bit "off." It's no secret I'm reserved and asocial, and if I talk to someone beyond uncomfortable small-talk, they'll get the sense I'm pessimistic and just a bit socially inept. But suicide? No, they think I'm just an introverted weird girl.

Anyway, I wish you the best, and I hope things go according to plan for you. I hope the outcome is as desired. Much love

I resonated so much with all of that, like… wow. ;w; It seems like we're very similar, and I think you're absolutely right on the disbelief vs lack of care point. That's exactly how I feel about it, but I never knew how to word it right. And god knows I'm the most socially inept, weird person I know. I mask so hard all the time with every single interaction, and I ain't good at it either…

But thank you for your input, I hope everything goes according to plan for you as well. Big love

 

[Forever Sleep]

I have somewhat contradictory feelings about it. I suppose I admire stoicism in a way, although I actually think it's a terrible and unhealthy way to live or, be expected to live. I don't exactly pull it off either. I'm not exactly joyful or upbeat to be around!

I think overall though, it may still come as a shock to people if I do it. Outside of here, I've only really made it clear to one friend that it is a future possibility/ probabilty. Mainly I suppose to give them some warning. Plus, a choice. They are one of the few people I'm still in touch with. It seemed fairer to let them know what might be on the horizon. They can then choose whether they still want to stay in touch.

Most people in my life are pretty distant now though. I think I'd probably hate for them to suspect anything. I'm hoping that distance will make it easier.

It's a very tough choice though- whether to let people know or not. I think it hinges largely on our needs. I think recovery attempts likely need the support of others. As to what would soften the blow on them, I suppose it depends on their attitudes. I think it takes a very special sort of person to accept the decision though.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

My family knows I have suicidal thoughts, but they don't know how deep the thoughts run. Each time I see or talk to them, I put on that fake smile and pretend all is well, with that inner thought saying 'If you only knew..."