cracklingroses
Member
- Sep 10, 2023
- 59
On August 14th I went to the campus of my old childhood psych hospital to try to take my life. I took a large overdose where I blacked out. Apparently someone found me having grand mal seizures and called for an ambulance.
They said I had two more seizures on the way to the hospital. A couple days later, I woke up with tubes down my throat having been intubated and having no idea where I was or how I was alive. Over next week I had to be constantly catheterized and monitored for seizures. It was humiliating. I could not pee on my own for over a week and having so many catheters left me dissociated from my body as I found it extremely traumatic.
Then I was sent to the psych ward for a week where they threatened me with a court commitment but never followed through with it. Just discharged me to the street like they always do, not caring what happens to me. My parents won't help me even after all of this. I need to be in rehab. I have a really bad drug addiction where I am overdosing on cough medicine everyday and I cannot stop. Not like anyone cares.
I am on disability after years of psychiatric abuse in my childhood. Never completing school. Never having a job. I don't know where to go from here. I am so miserable. My birthday is coming up in November, and I am planning to CTB on that day. Things have only gotten worse when they were already unbearable. I have been isolated all my life. No family, friends. I don't know what to do.
I am so scared of screwing up again. This next time I think I am going to do a combination of overdosing and hanging. And definitely make sure no one intervenes. That was my plan before. I was so impulsive and psychotic that day that I was not thinking clearly.
Everyday is so agonizing. I don't even know why I am waiting for my birthday. I just need to get it over with.
I feel like I really fucked up my head from the last suicide attempt. So I only dug my grave deeper at this point. Thanks for letting me vent. I can't talk to anyone about this as I have no one to talk to.
They said I had two more seizures on the way to the hospital. A couple days later, I woke up with tubes down my throat having been intubated and having no idea where I was or how I was alive. Over next week I had to be constantly catheterized and monitored for seizures. It was humiliating. I could not pee on my own for over a week and having so many catheters left me dissociated from my body as I found it extremely traumatic.
Then I was sent to the psych ward for a week where they threatened me with a court commitment but never followed through with it. Just discharged me to the street like they always do, not caring what happens to me. My parents won't help me even after all of this. I need to be in rehab. I have a really bad drug addiction where I am overdosing on cough medicine everyday and I cannot stop. Not like anyone cares.
I am on disability after years of psychiatric abuse in my childhood. Never completing school. Never having a job. I don't know where to go from here. I am so miserable. My birthday is coming up in November, and I am planning to CTB on that day. Things have only gotten worse when they were already unbearable. I have been isolated all my life. No family, friends. I don't know what to do.
I am so scared of screwing up again. This next time I think I am going to do a combination of overdosing and hanging. And definitely make sure no one intervenes. That was my plan before. I was so impulsive and psychotic that day that I was not thinking clearly.
Everyday is so agonizing. I don't even know why I am waiting for my birthday. I just need to get it over with.
I feel like I really fucked up my head from the last suicide attempt. So I only dug my grave deeper at this point. Thanks for letting me vent. I can't talk to anyone about this as I have no one to talk to.
