Venting Who else thought they had a very good friend until said friend got into a relationship?

[DrinkyCrow]

Like, I understand somehow.

You got your life on a better track and want to stay optimistic or what ever. I get that I'm kind of a downer, nihilistic, pessimistic, depressed, etc.

But damn, I tried my best to be always there. Needed an open ear? Someone to hang out? Can't remember a time where I was like no or completely unresponsive.

Found out my grandma has cancer, my mom told me in a "maybe she wouldn't have that if you called more often"-way. Told her that and the fact that I don't know how to deal with that, no response for days and now i got a invite to spend halloween with her and her girlfriend.

Nice after thought, but genuinely wtf. I just dumped what's going on with me since days (every day i get back from my unpaid internship i start crying and basically can't even clean up or do laundry) and.... No answer, again.

The signs for that were there, i fully blame myself for being so stupid to think i really found a friend, but still.

Shit hurts. Still the same like in elementary school even, if i ever was under the impression I had friends, i was most likely just used to be a filler of some sorts. Or just someone to take advantage of. Not even my family likes me, hell, even tho i agree with most that i say, i dont even like myself lol. So it's probably dumb to think anyone else in the world would be able to like me as anything else than a last resort.

TLDR: I'm no one's priority or first choice, please tell me I'm not alone with that

 

[alienfreak]

Yes, i've seen several times that it's like the friend you thought you knew is basically dead once they get a girlfriend/boyfriend. It's insane to me

 

[AuroraB]

I fully expect friends to vanish into fantasyland in the beginning of a new romance. But watch, they generally come back when things get rocky. Fairweather friends. Yup. New romance is a high for sure and nobody wants to harsh their mellow.

 

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

Heck yes - I once had a 'best friend' who I talked to / texted throughout the day every day for years - and then I matchmade them with a casual friend of mine. The best friend slowly started fading out, then dropped me once they were committed. So I lost the casual friend as well - good times!

I have noticed that men are more likely to drop friends when they get into relationships than women/NB people are. Certainly with female friends we might talk a bit less when they get into relationships, but I've never had one drop off the face off the earth like that.

I'm sorry you're feeling the pain of being nobody's first choice right now - it sounds like you're putting more into your relationships than you're getting back, which really hurts. I hope that one day your luck turns around and you find your people.

 

[DrinkyCrow]

I fully expect friends to vanish into fantasyland in the beginning of a new romance. But watch, they generally come back when things get rocky. Fairweather friends. Yup. New romance is a high for sure and nobody wants to harsh their mellow.

Yeah no , i already told her that im tired of people who pretend to give a shit as long as it's convenient.

I'm just so tired of this shit, she literally wanted to admit herself into the psych ward not too long ago and i thought; oh shit, can't kill myself until she's doing better.

So...... Nah, I got into fights during relationships too often cause i cared too much about friends of mine lol.

 

[F@#$]

Me. I got into a relationship with my good friend of over 20 years. Now I hate her, wish only bad things for her. Funny how quickly things can change.

 

[DrinkyCrow]

Me. I got into a relationship with my good friend of over 20 years. Now I hate her, wish only bad things for her. Funny how quickly things can chand

Can't even imagine being friends with someone for that long. I don't even think i would say i spent that much time with my family.

Hope it gets better for you somehow.

 

[divinemistress36]

Ya most friends are only fairweather friends. It hurts like hell most leave

 

[DrinkyCrow]

Ya most friends are only fairweather friends. It hurts like hell most leave

The thing is; even if i try my best, I'm very bad at pretending I'm ok. I mean i noticed that basically no one realizes how much i wanna ctb, but still. It's not like I'm a well adjusted, normal person. I just generally don't admit how much i wanna end anything in a not comedic way, unless that person told me they wanna to the same basically. Besides from that? It's just self deprecatingly humor all the way. Im autistic, can't lie and trauma dumping often.

Not sure how normal people can interpret so many "hahaha I'm depressed and lonely and wanna KMS jokes" and still tell themselves"I never saw that coming!"

 

[F@#$]

Can't even imagine being friends with someone for that long. I don't even think i would say i spent that much time with my family.

Hope it gets better for you somehow.

Yeah she was the last "friend" I had. Until she showed her true colors.
Fuck it

 

[theolivanderroach]

I'm aroace. I've never dated and have no interest in doing so. So the only people I get close to are friends, who abandon me the second they find a partner. And then crawl back to me when they are "taking a break" or have broken up. Time and time again, I get tossed aside for some fleeting relationship and yet I'm always there for them. But I allow it because I don't want to make new friends either. It sucks ALWAYS being a second option but I'm so used to it I simultaneously also don't care? And my family doesn't like me either. My parents have never once hugged me or told me they love me lol. They even found me OD'd and said nothing after I got out of the hospital, but I said nothing too. It's like we're just strangers bound together by blood and circumstance, caring just enough to not toss me out so I'm homeless. Sorry for the rant, I just relate a lot.

 

[TiredKitty]

I really hate to say it but I feel like most people are like that, unfortunately

 

[SyrupForBlood]

I'm aroace. I've never dated and have no interest in doing so. So the only people I get close to are friends, who abandon me the second they find a partner. And then crawl back to me when they are "taking a break" or have broken up. Time and time again, I get tossed aside for some fleeting relationship and yet I'm always there for them. But I allow it because I don't want to make new friends either. It sucks ALWAYS being a second option but I'm so used to it I simultaneously also don't care? And my family doesn't like me either. My parents have never once hugged me or told me they love me lol. They even found me OD'd and said nothing after I got out of the hospital, but I said nothing too. It's like we're just strangers bound together by blood and circumstance, caring just enough to not toss me out so I'm homeless. Sorry for the rant, I just relate a lot.

As someone else who's aroace i understand this so much, i tried to convince myself i was pan to try and understand romantic feelings and why people kept leaving but it never made sense, i love seeing the people around me happy because they've found love but they stop talking to me almost immediately. It's such a shame because you never really stop loving the person as a friend even though they don't think about you unless your inside the room anymore. It's like loving people like a dog, they always come back when they get low again, its so tiring.

 

[PlannedforPeru]

Ya most friends are only fairweather friends. It hurts like hell most leave

I didn't even know of that as a term, thank you!

 

[nattys5thtoenail]

I somewhat relate, this is very common. Unfortunately humans are just naturally selfish, I don't think your friend means to hurt you but we only have friends and romantic partners around for our own happiness, once we gain stimulation from a better source there's really not that much need to maintain a friendship unless they're being forced to out of guilt.

 

[lionetta12]

Like, I understand somehow.

You got your life on a better track and want to stay optimistic or what ever. I get that I'm kind of a downer, nihilistic, pessimistic, depressed, etc.

But damn, I tried my best to be always there. Needed an open ear? Someone to hang out? Can't remember a time where I was like no or completely unresponsive.

Found out my grandma has cancer, my mom told me in a "maybe she wouldn't have that if you called more often"-way. Told her that and the fact that I don't know how to deal with that, no response for days and now i got a invite to spend halloween with her and her girlfriend.

Nice after thought, but genuinely wtf. I just dumped what's going on with me since days (every day i get back from my unpaid internship i start crying and basically can't even clean up or do laundry) and.... No answer, again.

The signs for that were there, i fully blame myself for being so stupid to think i really found a friend, but still.

Shit hurts. Still the same like in elementary school even, if i ever was under the impression I had friends, i was most likely just used to be a filler of some sorts. Or just someone to take advantage of. Not even my family likes me, hell, even tho i agree with most that i say, i dont even like myself lol. So it's probably dumb to think anyone else in the world would be able to like me as anything else than a last resort.

TLDR: I'm no one's priority or first choice, please tell me I'm not alone with that

I'm not sure how to explain this in a nice way, I don't think there is any nice or easy way to put it. But once most people get into a relationship, they will prioritize and count that person as their number 1 priority. You might ask yourself "why? That feels unfair, how is this person that they just met or just entered a relationship their first priority when I have known this person longer or have more history with them?" To put it this way, your friend might see this person as a potentional future mother/father to their future children, nobody will ever be as important in life as that person if they become the parent of your child naturally, or at least that is how it is for most people. Even if they don't want kids, if they imagine themselves having potentional to being togheter forever or marrying, they will still pretty much then become the most important person in their life because this is the person they have chosen to spend their life with. Every time I've had a relationship, I have stayed in daily touch with my best friend as usual, but I always made it clear to him and my partners that if I had to choose, I'd obviously choose my partner over my best friend because a partner can give me a kid and marriage, my best friend cannot give me that so he's not as important as my partner then If I had to compare and if a worse case scenario ever did happen where I'd be forced to choose. My best friend never saw any problem with this and he understands the logic. I'd assume that he'd also apply this same logic if he were to find a partner, have a kid or ever marry, which I'd respect and understand.