Discussion Who makes you want to CTB/your reasons to CTB?

[NormallyNeurotic]

Companion poll to this one in Recovery about who makes you want to stay alive. I noticed that so many people there picked "family" and it initially suprised me because I had noticed how many people seemed to be estranged from or have a lack/loss of family... but then it hit me and I felt SO STUPID. I usually see that more often on the CTB side of this site. That inspired me to do this to test and see the differences in support/connection in those wanting to CTB on here versus those recovering, of course with people in the middle included. Feel free to do a tier list after joining the poll!


My tier list:

1. Myself (& some of sys)
Self explanatory!

2. Unsupportive/abusive/neglectful family member(s)
Unsupportive extended family... and some other shit going on with my parents and me that honestly hurts more

3. Future loss of pet & future loss of family member(s)
Chronically ill and elderly cat that I raised since a kitten. Also future loss of two very accepting elderly family members

4. (Possibly) unrequited crush
This is so low because I still want to make him happy even if he doesn't like me that way. I don't know if he does, or ever will (but he probably doesn't and won't ever) so once he gets a long-term partner and is fully happy I might consider CTB

 

[TANETS]

People in general. Sometimes I feel like its a bit cliché to say it, but people truly scare me. Knowing the capacity of how evil people can be is enough for me to not want anything to do with this world.

genocides, massacres, enslavement. amongst other things. turning on the news is dreadful. i watched someone harass a child online year old and threaten to r*pe them on a game I was playing. Seeing that is enough to make me just wanna die.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally wish to die as a result of existence, I find it such a terrible, torturous burden to be conscious in this existence at all capable of suffering to unlimited amounts, to me existence itself is the problem, under no circumstances would I wish to be burdened with this existence, all I see as desirable is non-existence anyway.

I just want to die in peace and never suffer ever again, existence just feels like a horrific mistake to me that just causes suffering and torments existing beings until death takes away all anyway. I'd always prefer to die than prolong the suffering just to be tortured by old age but really I wish I never suffered at all, to me existence is the most cruel, harmful imposition, to be forced into existence even know there were never any disadvantages to never existing at all will always be something so dreadful to me, for me ceasing to exist would be suffering prevention in an existence I never would have wished for and never would have chose.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I voted "no one" in particular since I'd say that my main reasons for wanting to die is due to my autism (which I didn't cause so I'm not voting "myself") as well as philosophically coming to the conclusion that an earlier death is better than a later death for me in this existence. However, at times, I think that pro lifers heavily restricting suicide methods has increased my desire to die because I'm perpetually worrying about the future and the atrocities that would happen to me. However, if I were to have access to euthanasia, I could instead take life day by day and only ctb when things actually get too much instead of worrying about the future.

Additionally, seeing people want to coerce others to stay alive for as long as possible has managed to make me so angry to where I think I'd definitely kill myself if I had a way out of here that's guaranteed.

 

[TragedyBornCrimson]

I am a failure and will always be one. As a kid I used to have motivation and zeal to live, but after 2020 my sophomore year of highschool everything went downhill. I used to be a straight A student taking multiple AP courses I was on track to become a doctor like my dad. But I ended up losing all meaning, depressions slowly spiraled out of control in me like a malignant tumor. I have lost all joy. My parents wonder what happened to me along with my siblings. Being exposed to the reality of life left me devoid of purpose. Working hard to achieve means nothing to me now, all I seek is peace and a perfect world that I can stand existing in. I won't let my family suffer with my existence any longer, hopefully before 2025.

 

[TAW122]

I personally would CTB for my own personal and subjective reasons, mainly philosophically speaking, even if I don't imminently choose to CTB, I'd at least wish to have such an option available at the drop of a hat, which would alleviate my existential worries. One of the most powerful quotes by the author, George Sterling states "A prison becomes a home when you have the key." which is a very profound and applicable quote for me, because it means no matter how bad things get, I have a (reliable) way out and be able to go on my own terms.

I'd say outside of philosophical reasons, it would probably be practical reasons like health and quality of life. If my health ever becomes unbearable such that I lose significant capacity to be able to pursue the hobbies that I wish to pursue to the degree that brings me satisfaction, then it's over for me. Every day of sentience is always a gamble for potentially worse suffering (diseases, illnesses, debility, accidents, tragedies, etc.).

A very tertiary reason and albeit minor reason would perhaps be the lack of being able to find a person in this world (I believe such a person may/not exist and if so, is taken most likely and thus I have no chance at all with this SO (significant other) or similar) and this is a reality that I will bear for the rest of my life. Being at mid 30's and still having almost half a century of sentience remaining (maybe more if advancements in prolongation of sentience, even at the cost of quality; or less if horrific diseases, infirmity, or other causes of death cut short sentience - albeit horrifically), that is a lot of suffering over a long time, and I have no intentions to entertain perhaps decades of suffering for the sake of others. It just isn't fair for me nor in my best interests.

Even notwithstanding my existing reasons, I'd still want to CTB though maybe not as actively and urgently because I would like to have that option if/when the time and circumstances come rather than to be trapped in sentience for some indefinite period of time.

 

[devils~advocate]

My tier list:
Similar to someones elses list....

1. Future loss of family members
Future loss of two very accepting elderly family members. I know that I will truly be alone with out them.

2. Unsupportive/abusive/neglectful family member(s)
Ex-spouse....left for affair partner
Current Spouse...their emotional affairs that I caught them in, the lying, resentfulness, mental issues......and extreme disrespect to my family members mentioned above.

3. Myself
Failure of myself to protect my family members from my spouses behavior.....spouses refusal to acknowledge their affairs & talking to my family members

 

[pariah80]

No one. I've just reached a point where I want out of life. The world I was trying to live in doesn't exist. I'm not happy here. I don't think anyone will ever be the reason for me wanting to die. Moreso the experience of life. I'm just ready to leave.

 

[merc5361]

Left my job in a country I love, to do my masters somewhere else. Biggest mistake of my life. I don't think I'll ever have the opportunity to go back to that country because of my passport.

I might even fail my masters, waste 2 years and all my life savings. I'm 25, and it's looking like the end honestly.

 

[Chr0nicAnhedonic]

Everyone. No one. I don't know.

The loneliness is unbearable, but being around others is also unbearable. The world is increasingly getting worse to live in with each passing day. I just want peace.

 

[Forveleth]

Parents who left me with chronic depression. An emotionally abusive spouse. The world is falling apart and I have no friends, no support system, yet everyone is leaning on me to hold them up. I'm tired. I'm sad and suffering every day and if this is what the rest of my life is going to be I'd rather not live it.

 

[Silent_cries]

For me rn it's due to feeling worn out due to trauma and fighting the system for so many years.

 

[ninfanatic]

i have extreme resentment towards my abusers, my life, the people who did nothing, and the people who see me as disposable. i idealize death and taking control over the ending of my life when i couldn't control what happened in it. to me, death is freedom from everything; the past, the future, being misunderstood, being afraid and angry. i don't see it or SI as a bad thing. i see it as wanting something for long enough and getting it.

 

[ham and potatoes]

Anxiety and depression. The only one to blame is my stupid brain for being that way

 

[littleraccoon3]

Purely for economic reasons. If there was a miracle like my debts being paid off today, I wouldn't do CTB.

 

[bigbang33]

My ex husband

 

[TheHolySword]

I want to die because I exist and I find that to be too much. I am in the process of making it irreversible so I have no reason to stay. So I guess myself as I am continually destroying everything. But it's so much deeper than that.

 

[combatcuteness]

normal people

 

[Death is love]

i'm misanthropic. humanity is inherently about getting your sick kicks from the suffering of the innocent.

 

[E.T]

people who have treated me like i am nothing and taken away my freedom of expression. people who deny me autonomy. people who have hurt me.

 

[brickedup]

my mom and my bf (probs soon to be ex). i just cant stand them anymore. i can break up with my bf yes, but he gives me the little love i crave. and my mother... i can barely live without. i'm trying my best to be independent but her bitch ass always makes me sit down.

literally no body gives a fuck about me anymore and in the least corniest way possible. i can't talk to anyone about this. i'm nearly done. i wish i had more to hold onto but i don't.

 

[Opera]

I had abusive parents that all stopped one day, S.A., and I'm also trans with unsupportive parents. I don't like myself, and I honestly don't want to live anymore. I'm working to leave my current "prison" but these feelings persist even though I'm trying to move forward to a better life.

 

[waterbed]

I have nothing to look forward to. I have been depressed for 4 years and I have attempted every year. I don't think I will get better, especially since it HAS been better but then I fall into the deep dark void again after a couple weeks. There's no light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Namelesa]

1. Myself
I hate myself for some of the things I have done and thoughts I have that cause me intense guilt.

2. Friends/Partners who have abandoned me
I have an intense fear of abandonment and so when it does happen I fall into despair even more and think I am more worthless. I do often blame myself for it more than the person leaving me tho.

3. Family Members
Some family members don't understand my mental problems at all when some only partially. I often feel worse and invalid for feeling this way when they don't understand. They also trap me and prevent my ctb attempts as much as possible which makes me feel even worse and want to die even more as a way to punish them.