Help Why am I still here?

[Throwaway478953b]

Why am I still alive...?

I don't get it why I'm not dead yet. Why haven't I ctb.

I am hopeless, completely alone, full of self hate and hatred for everything around me.
I am a monster. I have nothing going for me. It is a miserable existance. Why am I alive?

If I could press a button and have it end when I sleep I would.

My method is hanging. It is not a painful method. I can do it. I have time.

Is it because I'm scared of pain? Is it really just that?

Is it fear?

Is it desire? Do I still want to do something I haven't done? Is there still some slither of hope?

The survival instinct of this body???

Why the hell am I here when everything is telling me to die?

 

[tevati]

You pussy? Me too, welcome in the club.

 

[Throwaway478953b]

The survival instinct of this body??

It's not this. I know I can get drunk to the point where it is almost gone.

 

[worldexploder]

Personally, I found hanging to be an impossible method. Unless you have something like nitrogen or Nembutal, CTB ain't easy. The fear of pain is the only reason I'm still hear. It's a powerful tool that nature uses to keep us alive. Sorry you're going though all this.

 

[Shewaitsforme]

Its the survival instict and the 'what if' makes us hold off for days, weeks that turns into months and sometimes years. Ive put it off for 6 months already hoping something would change and it hasnt. I need to have a seriois think can i handle another month when so far its just got worse. Hoping for that one day it gets better but that is yet to happen. So ill sell some things and buy the things i need and go from there. Least if i have it i wont be so worried about finding the money to do it anymore

 

[tevati]

Fear of the unkown. You are afraid that nothing come after or better you don't know whats happen, but likely nothing.

 

[Throwaway478953b]

You pussy? Me too, welcome in the club.

I think I am.

 

[tevati]

Personally, I found hanging to be an impossible method. Unless you have something like nitrogen or Nembutal, CTB ain't easy. The fear of pain is the only reason I'm still hear. It's a powerful tool that nature used to keep us alive. Sorry you're going though all this.

Keep in mind you can save a lot of pain if you do it. Sometimes it's better take same "huge pain' to prevant pain.

 

[worldexploder]

Keep in mind you can save a lot of pain if you do it. Sometimes it's better take same "huge pain' to prevant pain.

I thought a lot about this - what's the suffering of hanging compared to the suffering of one more month on this earth. Still doesn't work.

I need something painless / near painless. Then I wouldn't be afraid.

 

[Throwaway478953b]

I see that a lot of people are saying fear is the reason.

I am scared and cowardly. Scared of pain and discomfort. Scared of loneliness.

In my opinion, fear is "mental illness". Suffering because of something thay may or may not happen in the future(which doesn't actually exist).

That's the definition of crazy in my eyes.

I am crazy. A greedy monster.... I think I might take a break from this website to think..

 

[worldexploder]

I see that a lot of people are saying fear is the reason.

I am scared and cowardly. Scared of pain and discomfort. Scared of loneliness.

In my opinion, fear is "mental illness". Suffering because of something thay may or may not happen in the future(which doesn't actually exist).

That's the definition of crazy in my eyes.

I am crazy. A greedy monster.... I think I might take a break from this website to think..

Fear is built into the human animal unfortunately. We really can't escape it unless we can escape life. I don't think that makes you a coward at all, it makes you a human being.

 

[TAW122]

It is the annoying thing in virtually all humans, the fucking survival instinct (SI). That thing has kept our species alive for millions, if not billions of years and it requires all the right circumstances (a specific state of mind, a specific set of bad events, a lot of courage, desensitization to death and what not) to finally overcome it. Once someone overcomes it and has the right method, then it will easier to ctb. Even then the body and mind will still try to ruthlessly fight you to survive.

Fear is built into the human animal unfortunately. We really can't escape it unless we can escape life. I don't think that makes you a coward at all, it makes you a human being.

Exactly, fear of death, fear of pain, and of course fear of failure (resulting in pain or worse circumstances) all hinder one from successfully ctb'ing.