Venting Why are parents so surprised when their child goes on with suicide?

[dOm!n!K]

I feel so awkward posting something here and not lurking like always but I've never been more alone and in need to get something off my chest before I can get rid of myself. My mother might be the worst that ever happened to me and I would trade that woman for anyone else if only I had a choice. I assume that when I'll be already gone she'll be surprised I took my own life, and tell everyone she did everything she could to prevent it. So many abusive parents do that. But why are they surprised it happened if days prior their child was barely getting out of the bed, harming themselves, not eating, failing school and actually screaming at them that they want to kill themselves? All I got as a reaction was the worst yelling I ever had, calling me names, then her victim complex turned on and she thought I'd react when she told me "then maybe I'll kill myself?" as if I wasn't wishing for her death everyday. And today a tantrum that she'll move out because she is so tired of me. I ask for help I'm stuck with "it's too expensive, you don't need it." I voice all the problems I have and I'm silenced. She has all the signs that her child isn't okay and she's just ignoring them. Just like most people in my life. So if they'll be surprised once I'm gone, why? Why are so many people surprised when signs are THAT obvious?

 

[Neowise]

Hey, welcome on the forum!
I feel you, my narcissistic mother is also the reason I am here. I guess they are stuck up in their own world about themselves they are completely oblivious to other people's feelings. They might think we use the same manipulating techniques as them so we surely don't mean what we say and do. For example, saying "I will kill myself" is just a mean to hurt their feelings and to try and win an argument, we don't actually mean it serious. On top of that, when they are happy in their life they think anyone else is, too. They completely lack empathy and an understanding for what other people are going through. Just theories though, I'm no psychologist.

 

[SilentSadness]

A lot of parents seem to see their children as their property, so even if they are in constant pain it will always be surprising if they have the audacity to kill themselves. Also, most parents are natalists who live in pro life delusion.

 

[ThisGameIsOverrated]

I think it's just human nature for parents to think they'll definitely die before their children

 

[MasterOfDisguise]

A lot of parents seem to see their children as their property, so even if they are in constant pain it will always be surprising if they have the audacity to kill themselves. Also, most parents are natalists who live in pro life delusion.

I am unfortunately the child of such parents but somehow im still managing

 

[dOm!n!K]

Hey, welcome on the forum!
I feel you, my narcissistic mother is also the reason I am here. I guess they are stuck up in their own world about themselves they are completely oblivious to other people's feelings. They might think we use the same manipulating techniques as them so we surely don't mean what we say and do. For example, saying "I will kill myself" is just a mean to hurt their feelings and to try and win an argument, we don't actually mean it serious. On top of that, when they are happy in their life they think anyone else is, too. They completely lack empathy and an understanding for what other people are going through. Just theories though, I'm no psychologist.

Hey, thanks a lot!
I myself am hoping for a diagnosis of a personality disorder I assume I have, so I could never hate narcissists on their own because I understand they're hurt people but my mother makes it so hard to sympathise with her. I feel the guilt of not being a perfect doll for her because it still is my mother but at the same time I despise her for taking everything out at me. I'm not really empathetic but I could never ignore signs of my family member fighting for life and just make it about myself. Having mentally ill parents is so exhausting, so it's probably also exhausting to have mentally ill children for them, but I don't know, their behaviour has explanations but not excuses. Thanks for answering, wish you well!

A lot of parents seem to see their children as their property, so even if they are in constant pain it will always be surprising if they have the audacity to kill themselves. Also, most parents are natalists who live in pro life delusion.

Well that would make a lot of sense. I hate people who think they bring to this world a doll for them to create, and not an actual human beings. If they wanted someone as their property, they should've invested in Sims.

 

[shtangley01]

I feel so awkward posting something here and not lurking like always but I've never been more alone and in need to get something off my chest before I can get rid of myself. My mother might be the worst that ever happened to me and I would trade that woman for anyone else if only I had a choice. I assume that when I'll be already gone she'll be surprised I took my own life, and tell everyone she did everything she could to prevent it. So many abusive parents do that. But why are they surprised it happened if days prior their child was barely getting out of the bed, harming themselves, not eating, failing school and actually screaming at them that they want to kill themselves? All I got as a reaction was the worst yelling I ever had, calling me names, then her victim complex turned on and she thought I'd react when she told me "then maybe I'll kill myself?" as if I wasn't wishing for her death everyday. And today a tantrum that she'll move out because she is so tired of me. I ask for help I'm stuck with "it's too expensive, you don't need it." I voice all the problems I have and I'm silenced. She has all the signs that her child isn't okay and she's just ignoring them. Just like most people in my life. So if they'll be surprised once I'm gone, why? Why are so many people surprised when signs are THAT obvious?

because they either don't care or are lying to cover their own ass. some parents probably see their kid's suicide as a gift, that they get such a big tragedy plopped into their laps that they can complain and brag about all they want- because who has a greater right to misery than a grieving parent. Others, I'm sure, will see it as a stain on their reputation, that they attempt to paper over with crocodile tears.

 

[dOm!n!K]

I think it's just human nature for parents to think they'll definitely die before their children

It's not a surprise but when there are visible signs of child wanting to end their life they shouldn't feel surprised, if they didn't want it to happen they should've do anything to prevent it

 

[rozeske]

Because denial is the best form of self preservation there is. It can be amazing how much our brain is capable of blocking facts to protect us from any form of harms way. Whatever helps you sleep at night right?

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

I fully agree with you. Its easy to spot signs that someone is suicidal. My online friend, who doesnt even know me in real life, had come to thought that I might be suicidal due to how bizzare ive been acting lately. But somehow, my parents didnt spot any signals, even while living with me. I even told them that I have mental problems and that I NEED to visit a therapist, yet they always keep with the stupid responds that mental illnesses dont exist and that well, only war veterans and psychopaths have mental illnesses. Im too tired of them, and I can bet that they will be in shock once I die. Theyll even blame anyone else, other than themselves. Its how they always do it, they blamed myself for my bad grades, while I cant even study due to how stressful my environemt is, and how much I fear while staying in that house.

 

[dOm!n!K]

I am unfortunately the child of such parents but somehow im still managing

I'm a child of a mother like that. My dad is a bad parent in a different way, he's just emotionally unavailable. And he's the only person I'm somehow holding on for, because I still love him despite that - my mother did enough harm for me to stop loving her.

because they either don't care or are lying to cover their own ass. some parents probably see their kid's suicide as a gift, that they get such a big tragedy plopped into their laps that they can complain and brag about all they want- because who has a greater right to misery than a grieving parent. Others, I'm sure, will see it as a stain on their reputation, that they attempt to paper over with crocodile tears.

I thought so. It does make sense. My mom knows I'm actively harming myself, she hid when I went to a psychologist (even from my father, she was ashamed of that). It's such a shame people bring others to this world only to make it a living hell for them.

I fully agree with you. Its easy to spot signs that someone is suicidal. My online friend, who doesnt even know me in real life, had come to thought that I might be suicidal due to how bizzare ive been acting lately. But somehow, my parents didnt spot any signals, even while living with me. I even told them that I have mental problems and that I NEED to visit a therapist, yet they always keep with the stupid responds that mental illnesses dont exist and that well, only war veterans and psychopaths have mental illnesses. Im too tired of them, and I can bet that they will be in shock once I die. Theyll even blame anyone else, other than themselves. Its how they always do it, they blamed myself for my bad grades, while I cant even study due to how stressful my environemt is, and how much I fear while staying in that house.

I feel you so much. It's the same for me. My online friend that talked to me for maybe 3 days immediately knew something was wrong - even guessed I do SH. I still live with my parents because I cannot afford a house, I'm still in highschool, and I can't get a job. She sees my grades getting worse and worse, hears how everyone (her included) blames it on me being lazy, sees my scars, me crying my eyes out that I want to die. I'm so tired of that behaviour from parents. I wish you the best

 

[cosmic-realism]

It's a big misconception that all parents love their children.Nope.

Most children are a burden to parents.They have them on accident,for validation or a momentary lapse in judgement.Nobody carries a rock on their back willingly.The old world worked on the priniciple of shame.

They shamed people into marriage.They shamed people into having children.Shame is a distant concept in today's progressive world.Nobody relies on each other for validation and acceptance any longer.That's why there are many people opting out of dating,marriage and children in first world countries due to world class education and emphasis on critical thinking.

The third world is still stuck with primitive concepts of shame and community.Their need for communal validation exceeds common sense and critical thinking,making them sheeps.We complain that colonialism made us poor but primitive mindsets that promote tradition and culture KEEP us poor.

This shame inturn leads to breeding,and breeding leads to hatred.If we say why breed and why hate them,these cultural zombies cannot comprehend basic concepts such as this one.


The kids end up mentally unwell and the cycle is bound to repeat.

 

[sorrymyfault]

I feel so awkward posting something here and not lurking like always but I've never been more alone and in need to get something off my chest before I can get rid of myself. My mother might be the worst that ever happened to me and I would trade that woman for anyone else if only I had a choice. I assume that when I'll be already gone she'll be surprised I took my own life, and tell everyone she did everything she could to prevent it. So many abusive parents do that. But why are they surprised it happened if days prior their child was barely getting out of the bed, harming themselves, not eating, failing school and actually screaming at them that they want to kill themselves? All I got as a reaction was the worst yelling I ever had, calling me names, then her victim complex turned on and she thought I'd react when she told me "then maybe I'll kill myself?" as if I wasn't wishing for her death everyday. And today a tantrum that she'll move out because she is so tired of me. I ask for help I'm stuck with "it's too expensive, you don't need it." I voice all the problems I have and I'm silenced. She has all the signs that her child isn't okay and she's just ignoring them. Just like most people in my life. So if they'll be surprised once I'm gone, why? Why are so many people surprised when signs are THAT obvious?

I feel you so much, one of the reasons I'm suicidal is because of mentally deranged narcissist parents. So many beatings, so many curses upon me, I'm at a point in life that literally nobody cares about me by the way they act, especially my parents. I wish I had the financial strength to escape this place I've been here for too long.

 

[ElVato]

I told my mother about my intention to ctb long ago. Recently, she went on a rant on how "I just said that to manipulate her and make her feel bad". She has her own share of problems, so I perfectly understand where that rant came from. Still, I know that if I ever achieve ctb, she will be completely shocked.

You know, in a way, I feel like, because she can't just sweep this under the rug as she always does with her problems, she is trying to shape it into her victim complex, which. again, I perfectly understand is a thing she does. Thing is, what people think about us after our deaths is no longer our concern: it's for them to decide what to do with such thoughs.

This is also why some say that ctb transfers your depression onto others. Human beings are truly cursed.

 

[derpyderpins]

I feel so awkward posting something here and not lurking like always but I've never been more alone and in need to get something off my chest before I can get rid of myself. My mother might be the worst that ever happened to me and I would trade that woman for anyone else if only I had a choice. I assume that when I'll be already gone she'll be surprised I took my own life, and tell everyone she did everything she could to prevent it. So many abusive parents do that. But why are they surprised it happened if days prior their child was barely getting out of the bed, harming themselves, not eating, failing school and actually screaming at them that they want to kill themselves? All I got as a reaction was the worst yelling I ever had, calling me names, then her victim complex turned on and she thought I'd react when she told me "then maybe I'll kill myself?" as if I wasn't wishing for her death everyday. And today a tantrum that she'll move out because she is so tired of me. I ask for help I'm stuck with "it's too expensive, you don't need it." I voice all the problems I have and I'm silenced. She has all the signs that her child isn't okay and she's just ignoring them. Just like most people in my life. So if they'll be surprised once I'm gone, why? Why are so many people surprised when signs are THAT obvious?

Man . . . I'm sorry. I relate to this, though, except I knew I'd never get a good reaction for being honest so I've always hid my mental health issues from my mom best as possible. It sounds awful. I hope you're able to get away someday. Having that negative influence constantly in your life does more than you can imagine.

As for the being surprised, it depends on if they ever cared to actually get to know you. Weird to even think about a parent having to get to know their kid, but of all the people I've been very close with, none of them would be shocked if I ctb'd. My mom, who has said more words at me than anyone else on the planet, would be blindsided. She's gotten to know the me she wants to know to fit the role in her life she needs me to fit.

 

[KillMeh]

Relateable, it seems to me that my parents decided who ill be before i was born. Im no longer trying to fit into that (i think), but they deny any evidence that counters their definition of me so...

 

[TANETS]

To be honest, I put a façade in front in my family and I'm sure many parents of children who've passed to suicide did the same thing.

 

[Life'sA6itch]

I agree with others here. There could be a variety of things at play. There are a lot of parents who were raised by parents who discussed nothing of importance whether it be your feelings, dreams, education, goals, etc. so they keep this horrible tradition going. I call them primitive parents. It was a good day if you continued life without bothering them in any way as if you begged to be born. Other parents have no idea of how to have important discussions and may delay, deter you from talking or defer you to anyone else just so they don't have to and therefore do the massive job they signed up for, parenting.

Some have other selfish reasons for not being there for their child, no matter the level of despair. And some may have lesser known reasons for acting as they do. I hope things get better for you, surely it's not easy with a parent who prefers your silence and discomfort over your health and safety.

 

[lionetta12]

I feel so awkward posting something here and not lurking like always but I've never been more alone and in need to get something off my chest before I can get rid of myself. My mother might be the worst that ever happened to me and I would trade that woman for anyone else if only I had a choice. I assume that when I'll be already gone she'll be surprised I took my own life, and tell everyone she did everything she could to prevent it. So many abusive parents do that. But why are they surprised it happened if days prior their child was barely getting out of the bed, harming themselves, not eating, failing school and actually screaming at them that they want to kill themselves? All I got as a reaction was the worst yelling I ever had, calling me names, then her victim complex turned on and she thought I'd react when she told me "then maybe I'll kill myself?" as if I wasn't wishing for her death everyday. And today a tantrum that she'll move out because she is so tired of me. I ask for help I'm stuck with "it's too expensive, you don't need it." I voice all the problems I have and I'm silenced. She has all the signs that her child isn't okay and she's just ignoring them. Just like most people in my life. So if they'll be surprised once I'm gone, why? Why are so many people surprised when signs are THAT obvious?

I had a phone call with my mom last week where we talked about my mental health and I said yeah, it sucked that I've been suicidal since age 11. She said what? And acted shocked by that. I'm not sure how she'd be shocked by this since I sat around with a big kitchen knife in my hand every day from age 11 to 12, trying to stab myself to death daily while crying, in the same room as her and in the room next to her while she was ignoring me because she was more interested in watching TV or being on her computer. She used to tell me that I'm just crying to try and get attention from her so that's why she'd ignore me on purpose when I tried to end my life as a child.

 

[Scythe]

Personally, me and my family live in different worlds. Talking to them about my death is futile, they cannot understand why I want to die. And I think it would just ruin my plans because I've made my decision already, I don't think it would've turned out differently even if I told them years ago.
I have nothing to gain from telling them about my problems. My parents were also never give me the impression that they can help me with more important things. They also didn't present themselves as people that you can talk to about these things. At least that was how I see it. My parents also just doesn't understand, someone in the family had a psychotic breakdown and judging from their reactions telling them anything was going to either result with a nothing response, or psych ward.

 

[sevennn]

i hate my mother. she sees all the signs for years but never ever treats me like im human deserving of love and compassion. and she ruined my life. i wish i never came forward with depression. i want out now. im tired. they dont do anything because you are not human to them. just something that crawled out of their crotch. you are not human. you dont have feelings. you dont have your own mind. you dont have any pain anywhere in your body ever. you were a concept, a toy, many things. but not human. just an extension of themselves. half of a person. if that, barely. otherwise i do not understand. why. i asked for help and in 6 years of my rotting away in my room isolated. not one hug, or a kind word from her. or any of them. i am discarded. unloved, and uncared for. they shouldn't dare ask why i did it. i wish i never asked for help. i wish i knew from the start there was none to reach for, but it was my first time asking - so i thought.. it'll be there. i was naive. and now i have to die. love is hardly given. i hate this world

 

[LapseInTime]

In my opinion, it is because accepting it would be way way too difficult for them. It's a battle, lost. It's disappointment, both in their children -who they may have "dearly loved"- but ultimately, in themselves. Functioning people, they aren't low, some of them can't even imagine what it feels like. They underestimate it, wishing that things would be that way. It means they made a mistake, a big one. It shakes their identity; they had a child before, what now? Are they "parents" now? What are they supposed to tell people? That they weren't good enough?

When somebody's in your care and they ctb, it means you've done something wrong. It's convenient to play dumb and say that they never saw it coming, it takes all eyes off of them, to construe a false story about a child who couldn't be controlled, who was irrational and unpredictable. It grants them a good spot in all of that story. They too are victims of that unpredictable child's dumb doings. Moreover, it makes people feel that they were nothing but supporting; it takes courage to have been by the side of that tyke, doesn't it? Mustn't they have been oh so supportive, having to look after a child like that? It's convenient. They may have never even gotten to know their own child.

 

[katara]

I used to have a similar relationship with my mom. She'd always repeat hurtful things and eventually i just stopped talking to her. I already felt like a failure and all i ever got was constant repetitive yelling. Not saying it will work with your mom, but after i stop responding she eventually stopped with all that. She hasn't tried doing that again, she has a pretty good idea what's going on sense i live with her. She doesn't care, I could stay this way until she dies. Thats what hurts the most, nobody cares. I feel bad because i know its partially my fault as well because i can't expect my mom to do everything for me, it just hurts because i always felt like a failure and i am one. I'll never get past being this way, maybe that's why our moms are so mad at us.

 

[FireFox]

I feel so awkward posting something here and not lurking like always but I've never been more alone and in need to get something off my chest before I can get rid of myself. My mother might be the worst that ever happened to me and I would trade that woman for anyone else if only I had a choice. I assume that when I'll be already gone she'll be surprised I took my own life, and tell everyone she did everything she could to prevent it. So many abusive parents do that. But why are they surprised it happened if days prior their child was barely getting out of the bed, harming themselves, not eating, failing school and actually screaming at them that they want to kill themselves? All I got as a reaction was the worst yelling I ever had, calling me names, then her victim complex turned on and she thought I'd react when she told me "then maybe I'll kill myself?" as if I wasn't wishing for her death everyday. And today a tantrum that she'll move out because she is so tired of me. I ask for help I'm stuck with "it's too expensive, you don't need it." I voice all the problems I have and I'm silenced. She has all the signs that her child isn't okay and she's just ignoring them. Just like most people in my life. So if they'll be surprised once I'm gone, why? Why are so many people surprised when signs are THAT obvious?

@d0m!n!k Denial Denial Denial no parent ever wants to admit any flaws in their parenting because it means acknowledging they contributed or played some role in their child's suicide.

When it comes to suicide too many parents are in denial. I am sorry but I get skeptical when I see parents crying on TV that their kid themselves. It's always the same story with these parents ie our son/daughter was loved by everyone etc. These are the same parents who never took seriously their kids when their kids told them they were depressed or struggling. Now these parents are crying on national tv. I roll my eyes.