Venting Why cant I fucking go through with it

[WhiteRaven]

I tried to hang myself this morning, but I can only do a partial because I dont have anything high enough. But I tried to lean into it but I couldnt go far enough to pass out or even feel lightheaded. I think im doing everything right I just cant get enough pressure. Im too fucking weak. every day is a trudge through mud, barely being able to keep standing. Every time I think I have the willpower to ctb, I fail. The only real way I have access to is by hanging, but over the summer I was on the top of a building and now every day I wish I had actually jumped. At this point I want to crash my car as fast as I can go. The only thing holding me back is the possibility of being paralyzed but i don't even know if I care anymore. I have so many good things in my life, but I still can't just fucking be okay, I dont even want to be okay, I want to be worse so I go through with it Instead of being a fucking wimp.

 

[divinemistress36]

You arent a wimp. Survival instinct is a bitch

 

[Eedrah]

sounds familiar, im with you

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I tried to hang myself this morning, but I can only do a partial because I dont have anything high enough. But I tried to lean into it but I couldnt go far enough to pass out or even feel lightheaded. I think im doing everything right I just cant get enough pressure. Im too fucking weak. every day is a trudge through mud, barely being able to keep standing. Every time I think I have the willpower to ctb, I fail. The only real way I have access to is by hanging, but over the summer I was on the top of a building and now every day I wish I had actually jumped. At this point I want to crash my car as fast as I can go. The only thing holding me back is the possibility of being paralyzed but i don't even know if I care anymore. I have so many good things in my life, but I still can't just fucking be okay, I dont even want to be okay, I want to be worse so I go through with it Instead of being a fucking wimp.

Same i have a shotgun can't get myself to pull the trigger against my head

Guess I'm scared of pain or failing but when I think about it logically it seems no pain and 99% chance of success

 

[bipolar22]

You arent a wimp. Survival instinct is a bitch

SI is a CUNT having caused me so much pain and suffering. Biggest enemy

 

[orangetree]

you're not weak at all, you've already accomplished more than me

 

[wiseful]

You're not weak at all, you're strong.