why do i cut?

[scubadam]

tl;dr: i never cut myself as a form of punishment or getting my emotions out, i even actually like it, and im trying to figure out why

first time i cut myself i was something around 16.5 and i did it just to see what was the whole hassle about. it felt weird, but i didn't feel bad for it later and quickly forgot about it

at 17 i went for a trip to a foreign country to try out something i've never done before with people whom i have never met before. for some reason i took one razor blade with me (i seriously can't remember why, maybe it was for cleaning up my eyebrow slot) and held it in my wallet. on the last day i unintentionally hurt an animal, but i felt that as a punishment i should hurt myself too, so i could kind of "feel it's pain on me". those three cuts were the deepest i've ever went, i felt my forearm go numb (i thought i messed up my nerves but i was just panicking) and i promised myself to never to do that again. of course it did not work

when i came back to school, after a week or so i started cutting every second day or so. they were never deep or big or anything, i didn't think of them as a form of punishment or getting emotions onto me; i actually enjoyed it. i didn't like the pain itself, but seeing blood on my hand and the wound afterwards was always something nice. my best friend would cut too, but he would go extremely deep for a first timer. i am the only person that he has ever told about it. the only time i felt bad about it was when i sat next to my dad in a train and my left arm was on his side, so i didn't really have a way to hide it. i didn't want him to worry about me, i'm sure he saw them but, he has never said a single word about it

fast forward, exactly 11 months and 2 weeks have passed since the last time i did it. i initially started counting the days to prove that i was not addicted in any way and i wouldn't get the urges, and it did work, but after around 10 months when the summer break came and later the school year, i started thinking of relapsing once again. it wasn't caused by anything bad, in fact i had the best time i had in years during that period of time. i feel bad for the fact that i started the count on my phone because breaking such a long time would be dumb; if i didn't stay clean for so long, i wouldn't feel bad about breaking it. i've grown to trust one of the people who was on that trip i mentioned earlier, and told them about me cutting. they actually destroyed and threw away a razor blade i had in my wallet when i asked them to, as i couldn't do that myself (or maybe i wanted attention? that's something i sometimes think that i subconsciously wanted that), and every now and then they ask me about how long i've been clean for. that way, i unfortunately made staying clean a promise not only to myself

and here's the title question: why do i cut? maybe somebody from aside would be able to give me the answer, or if not, they maybe can lead me into a way of finding it

 

[LapseInTime]

I used to do it when I was a teen - always not too deep, usually with items that weren't razors, always in private. Looking back, I find that I, 90% of the time, did it when I was sad. It is true that sometimes I did not because I was in the depths of my depression, but mostly because something was overwhelming; good or bad. Though, it does surprise me that somebody considers cutting when they are -or should be, it is not perceived the same when somebody is depressed- "happy". I remember that it was something that calmed me down and distracted me. Perhaps, when somebody's prone to getting over-stimulated in any way, cutting provides some sort of relief in numbing any intense emotions?

I agree that you can cut yourself without wanting to "punish" yourself. Whether with cutting or an ED, I find that the verb "to punish" can be overused, perhaps in a corny way sometimes? I feel that it is a very hasty judgement - somebody sees you, they know you feel guilty, sad and depressed, they assume that this can only be perceived as being detrimental and that there must be a reason (one they can understand) behind it so there you go; "they're punishing themselves!". A psychiatrist of mine once said that everything "harmful" helps you get endorphins, which make you calm down, feel more present and content. I find this explanation to work for me.

 

[scubadam]

I used to do it when I was a teen - always not too deep, usually with items that weren't razors, always in private. Looking back, I find that I, 90% of the time, did it when I was sad. It is true that sometimes I did not because I was in the depths of my depression, but mostly because something was overwhelming; good or bad. Though, it does surprise me that somebody considers cutting when they are -or should be, it is not perceived the same when somebody is depressed- "happy". I remember that it was something that calmed me down and distracted me. Perhaps, when somebody's prone to getting over-stimulated in any way, cutting provides some sort of relief in numbing any intense emotions?

I agree that you can cut yourself without wanting to "punish" yourself. Whether with cutting or an ED, I find that the verb "to punish" can be overused, perhaps in a corny way sometimes? I feel that it is a very hasty judgement - somebody sees you, they know you feel guilty, sad and depressed, they assume that this can only be perceived as being detrimental and that there must be a reason (one they can understand) behind it so there you go; "they're punishing themselves!". A psychiatrist of mine once said that everything "harmful" helps you get endorphins, which make you calm down, feel more present and content. I find this explanation to work for me.

thank you for your response, it gave me a new insight. take care!

 

[EvisceratedJester]

on the last day i unintentionally hurt an animal, but i felt that as a punishment i should hurt myself too, so i could kind of "feel it's pain on me". those three cuts were the deepest i've ever went, i felt my forearm go numb (i thought i messed up my nerves but i was just panicking) and i promised myself to never to do that again.

tl;dr: i never cut myself as a form of punishment or getting my emotions out, i even actually like it, and im trying to figure out why

First off, these two statements kind of contradict each other.

Secondly, how deep did you cut? (dermis/Styro? Hypodermis/fat/bean? Fascia?) Just curious, you do not have to answer.

Thirdly, there are people who started cutting out of curiosity and ended up becoming addicted to it. When you self-harm your body releases endorphins to help with the pain and to relieve stress and sometimes people become addicted to these endorphins. While you may not be addicted to the endorphins, maybe you still like them and thus you cut because of that. Think of it like drinking every once in a while. You may not be an alcoholic but that doesn't mean that you don't like the way alcohol makes you feel and thus indulge in it every once in a while. people also cut as a form of self-control, rather than as a emotional coping mechanism or as a form of self punishment. So, you might be cutting for one or both of those reasons instead.

 

[scubadam]

First off, these two statements kind of contradict each other.

Secondly, how deep did you cut? (dermis/Styro? Hypodermis/fat/bean? Fascia?) Just curious, you do not have to answer.

Thirdly, there are people who started cutting out of curiosity and ended up becoming addicted to it. When you self-harm your body releases endorphins to help with the pain and to relieve stress and sometimes people become addicted to these endorphins. While you may not be addicted to the endorphins, maybe you still like them and thus you cut because of that. Think of it like drinking every once in a while. You may not be an alcoholic but that doesn't mean that you don't like the way alcohol makes you feel and thus indulge in it every once in a while. people also cut as a form of self-control, rather than as a emotional coping mechanism or as a form of self punishment. So, you might be cutting for one or both of those reasons instead.

oh yeah, I forgot to mention this was the only time I used it as a punishment or because I was feeling down or anything

no worries, dermis. hardly ever got into bleeding, but that's what I liked the most honestly

the reason being self-control would make sense, it was something I could only decide on by myself. thank you for your response

 

[Virsus]

I agree with the answers above, self-harm should release endorphins - it calms. You wrote that when you returned to school, you started cutting yourself - self-harm calms.
I also have a thought that this is how you wanted to attract attention, but I say this not in a derogatory sense, but in a practical sense - Perhaps this is how you wanted to tell others that you need help.
I subconsciously do something similar, only periodically I take blood from a vein, the sight of blood calms me, and before I burned my hands with extinguished hot matches, perhaps I wanted to express myself that way too.
If you ever do something like this, disinfect the wound.

 

[laetitia7]

cutting is a coping mechanism.

 

[scubadam]

I also have a thought that this is how you wanted to attract attention, but I say this not in a derogatory sense, but in a practical sense - Perhaps this is how you wanted to tell others that you need help.

it would make sense too, im not the kind of a person to ask somebody for help directly. thank you for your response

 

[ChaosArashi]

Personally, I started self-harming at 8, cutting around maybe 11. I had no control over my life, it was something I could control. Second, it was like a pressure relief valve for me. I would bleed enough to get that calm, the running blood calms me. Third, I think I could easily become a monster, like ever since I was a kid I can turn my emotions and feelings off, like a switch. Self-protection mechanism. But I hurt someone intentionally when I was around 9, and felt nothing, like NOTHING. That's when it hit me, I could be a psychopath. I was bound and determined not to let my inner monster take over. I generally make a conscious effort to be a good, caring, nice person. I'm an empath which doesn't help. So when my feelings/emotions start turning off for too long, I would cut to make myself feel something, anything. To remind myself I was human I guess. Sorry if that doesn't make sense. I've had many decades of therapy to learn this about myself and try to make sense of it. I just know if I ever let that switch stay off.....it would be very bad and I would hurt people.