Venting Why do i look so goddamn happy?!

[BaconCheeseburger]

Over the last few weeks I've been coming off my antidepressants, because of some manufacturing issues where I can't easily access them anymore.

In these past weeks, I've wanted to die. I've actively thought about my method and started writing bits of notes, and I'm making less of an effort in work because I don't see the point if I'm ultimately gonna end up dead.

I feel.. not great. But why do my mum and people around me keep saying how upbeat and better I seem? What is this fuckery whereby I know I want to die, yet I'm coming across as doing really well (if not better than I was on antidepressants).

Surely I should be happy that people think I'm doing well? I don't know. I just know that one day I want to die, and I'd quite like it to be soon... but when everything about me says otherwise... am I supposed to just switch around and roll with it?

Why do I come across like this when my head doesn't want that?

 

[blueming]

Maybe you're happy that you're going to die, therefore it shows on the outside? Correct me if I'm wrong but in many cases of suicide the person's family say that before they died they were happy and cheerful.

 

[Desperate_Soul]

Hm. It's kind of like going out and looking at people from the outside. You can't tell who is depressed or suicidal.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Two things come to mind:

1) You're appearing more alert/energetic as a result of SSRI/benzo cessation - these make you pretty low-energy/zombified as I'm sure you're aware.

2) Those around you know you're coming off meds and want to make you feel like you're better now and don't need them anymore, basically offering you low-key support.

Or yes, you could indeed be glad it's all over with. There's a kind of weight off your shoulders feeling I imagine. Sometimes I fantasize what it would be like to not have to bother thinking about next month's rent and it's a liberating feeling that makes me smile.

 

[ctoan]

ssri make you look like shit so its no suprise everyone tellls you you are good looking now

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

Update: my mental health doctor says I look well too. I'm so conflicted. I know I need to die.