Venting Why Do I Want to Be Unwell?

[hiddenbpd]

I have tried over the last few months after a hospitalization for being suicidal, to get better and improve my mental health. I engaged in DBT and have tried to turn my focus to recovery.
However, these last few weeks, I've become VERY fixated on wanting to be unwell and it confuses the hell out of me. It takes many hours of my day away as I continually think about this.
I've had many urges to start using hard drugs and become an addict, overdose, attempt suicide, etc. I have also become attached to getting a serious mental illness like schizophrenia. I want to stop taking my medication so I can be more unwell.
Anyone else struggling/ have struggled with this? I am at a loss about what to do. I don't know why my thinking went this way or how to stop it, and it has led to me choosing a suicide date.
It is possible this is quite attention seeky, but I'm actively trying not to be which is why this is so challenging to deal with. Help .

 

[Leiot]

Contact your doctor. You said it's been over the last few weeks. Has anything changed? Did something happen to trigger a depressive episode?

 

[hiddenbpd]

I'm not sure exactly. The only thing I can put it towards is my boyfriend finding out about my suicide plan. Beyond that I'm not entirely sure.

 

[Anonymoususer1234]

I have tried over the last few months after a hospitalization for being suicidal, to get better and improve my mental health. I engaged in DBT and have tried to turn my focus to recovery.
However, these last few weeks, I've become VERY fixated on wanting to be unwell and it confuses the hell out of me. It takes many hours of my day away as I continually think about this.
I've had many urges to start using hard drugs and become an addict, overdose, attempt suicide, etc. I have also become attached to getting a serious mental illness like schizophrenia. I want to stop taking my medication so I can be more unwell.
Anyone else struggling/ have struggled with this? I am at a loss about what to do. I don't know why my thinking went this way or how to stop it, and it has led to me choosing a suicide date.
It is possible this is quite attention seeky, but I'm actively trying not to be which is why this is so challenging to deal with. Help .

No shame in attention seeking. Everyone needs attention sometimes.

I can't pretend to know your situation but I am familiar with self destructive desires. There are thousands of reasons why they might be present.

Sometimes it's about not having the proper emotional "range" to get satisfaction from more constructive activities. Self destruction can seem lke the only way to feel anything at all.

Other times it might be about identity. Feeling like you need to be miserable otherwise you aren't you.

Sometimes it's just a general frustration with the world and a need to express that frustration. A need to rebel against something.

Most commonly, I find, it's simply a low self esteem. Just feeling like you deserve to get worse because you're *bad* somehow.

It could also be loneliness. Feeling like nobody will care about you unless you're an imminent danger to yourself.

But I'm no psychiatrist. These are just a few possible reasons. Yours might be totally different. Ultimately only you can know for sure.

 

[Promised Heaven]

As much as attention seeking is frowned upon, never feel ashamed to do it if you want or need help.

You know your mental health, you generally know how your day is going to go and how your mental health will affect it, and getting better could mean significant change in how you participate in life. You know you have something bringing you down, but to live without that burden? Suddenly the mind becomes overwhelmed (in a positive way!). So much time spent suffering that it's difficult to comprehend a small amount of recovery so it's easier to wither down into agony.

In my particular case, it's scary to adapt to change and I felt being worse would be so much better. Diagnosed with depression and found it so comfortable to sulk in bed for 15 hours a day if I have no obligations. No amount of therapy or SSRIs did anything, and turns out most of my depression was from a severe lack of Vitamin D. 5000 IU later and I was so perked up and not depressed I genuinely stopped taking it just to feel worse because I was more used to it.

The best suggestion, depending on your treatment and if you want to overcome this, is to tell someone you trust (friend, family, doctor) and encourage you to continue the type of things that makes you feel better. It could be change you're horrified of, and not getting better, but a professional should definitely be able to answer you more accurately than me and anyone else here should you want it.