Discussion Why do people feel angry at the person following a suicide?

[Forever Sleep]

I think, along with the grief, people do sometimes feel anger towards the person that took their own life. Why do you think that is?

I think maybe they're angry that they didn't try harder to live maybe. That they didn't do it for them- their love wasn't enough. I think also, it's that suicides must make us feel a whole bunch of unpleasant things we weren't prepared for- shock, grief, guilt. Maybe they're angry at being made to feel those things. Plus, it's a deliberatly inflicted act. We suicide knowing in some way what harm it will likely cause others. I'm sure that's terribly painful to accept.

Personally, I think that's why people are so keen to cling to ideas like- that person wasn't thinking clearly, they were so consumed by mental illness or depression. Or, they were influenced by the internet. Places like this. (The most extreme idea to my mind.)

Do you think people in your life would be angry with 'you' (obviously, you wouldn't exist anymore but, you know what I mean) if you did CTB? Do you think people have the right to feel angry? In terms of- I think we all feel what we feel- there's not much controlling it. But more- is it justified? How much should we feel obliged to live so as not to upset other people?

Maybe if they'd invested a lot of their time and care, even money- trying to make sure a person was ok. Maybe they also would feel angry that their 'investment' didn't pay off. Even then though, are we really indebted to anyone to live?

I feel that parents are more indebted to their children because they deliberately brought a life here that would be dependent on them. I'm not sure for the rest of us. We're here because a couple of people decided to bring us here. Beyond that, it's hard to live without forming bonds with people. We grow up in families, we're forced to go to school. It's not our 'fault' that we may have people that become attached to us. How much do we owe one another really though?

I suppose ideally, it would help if our attitudes towards death weren't so negative and fearful.

 

[eden101]

i don't know, but i don't like it. visit suicide bereavement subreddit if you want to see it in full force. made me feel even more that when i die no one will care and people will just continue to hate me

 

[AbsurdAbyss]

i think expectations are at the root of it all - life seems to drive us towards expecting too much from ourselves or from others while death destroys everything that drives us.

 

[Dot]

Persnlly thnk tht whnevr persn psses awy thre = alwys angr @ th/ persn fr leavng thm - = 1 of stges of grf

1 xtra issu wth suicde tho = tht thre r oftn mny unanswrd questns abt Y a persn ctb & wre ppl lft b-hnd 'nt enuf' fr thm t/ sty

& fls as tho th/ persn wh/ ctb lft bcse thy 'wantd 2' whch cn b v hurtfl fr ppl lft b-hnd

Ppl grievng thn hve t/ wrstle wth angr @ thmslves fr nt b-ing abl t/ prevnt wht happnd & tht angr = also projctd on2 th/ dceasd

S/ mny reasns imo

 

[Splurged]

I think that anger is often with themselves .

 

[Mirrory Me]

It's because it hurts them some way.

 

[Holu]

My two closest friends, one I had known for almost 8 years, who I had been close pre-transition, and even closer post took her life 6 or so months ago. The other I had known for about two years, and was also trans(I was the cissy in the two tfem group) and I had been helping her with her religious fam, and even paying for her HRT since she was illegal. She passed about 8 months ago. All three of us were very open about our ideas regarding suicide, and would regularly talk about methods, wanting the peace of nothingness, etc. However, we would always admonish one another for actually doing suicidal activities(practice hanging, putting a loaded gun in mouth for feels, swallowing multiple pills), since nobody wanted to see the other die even if we ourselves feel like it would bring us peace. It wasn't so much out of selfishness, but I think fear of being the last alive and alone. So much so, that in a way, we kinda kept a subtle bet of who could last the longest. Partially because of this neither of their deaths were expected, so much so that when the first died we harassed her hoping she was just 5150'd again. Eventually the family contacts responded, after about a day and a half. I got this news on my 21st birthday, while out in uni, alone yet stuck in a dorm with two others having to hide my grief. Two months later the other friend took her life, again, unexpected. I got the news concrete of her passing a bit later after talking with her mother.

To this day I message them both goodmorning and goodnight along with various other things throughout the day. I have felt grief and loss for people I shared experiences with, similarities with, and people stressed over and cared for. Nothing has ever came across as so horribly painful to me as losing both of my closest people. Idk why I ever thought it would be the same, that I would have complete acceptance knowing their decision was for their peace. And even having the perspective and belief of deaths kindness, and understanding the decision to its fullest I feel anger towards both of them. Love and hate are both strong emotions, and can occur at the same time. The unbelievable amount of pain I feel when I think of them is strong enough to make me mad, and at times upset with them. I feel betrayed and abandoned despite knowing it was not their intent. They wouldn't harm me, but they couldn't go on. But that still makes me upset. Upset at them for leaving and upset at myself for failing them.

Even more cursed is that I've always essentially been tethered since my mom is alive. I already wasn't sure if I could go through with suicide, afraid of hurting her. Even still a part of me was always prepared to even if she was still alive, almost knowing it would be inevitable. But losing both of my friends made that so much harder. I don't want to cause that pain to anyone, and so for the first time after years of scarcely even stressing the consequences I'm shook.

So to go back to your question and points. Yes I feel angry, very angry, but not simply out of hatred, but from the intensity of my love. I also want to mention that both were well versed in their chosen methods, and well prepared before any crisis. They knew what they wanted, and likely even when. Even if they were in distress at the moment of death, they were 100% thinking clearly. And even though I had invested most of my time and a considerable amount of money in both of them, I do not feel angry that I "lost" said investments or because I think they made a mistake. I feel angry because I adored them, cherished them, and loved them.

I hope that makes some sense.

I love you Amber and Volta, I wish I coulda done more.

 

[Forever Sleep]

My two closest friends, one I had known for almost 8 years, who I had been close pre-transition, and even closer post took her life 6 or so months ago. The other I had known for about two years, and was also trans(I was the cissy in the two tfem group) and I had been helping her with her religious fam, and even paying for her HRT since she was illegal. She passed about 8 months ago. All three of us were very open about our ideas regarding suicide, and would regularly talk about methods, wanting the peace of nothingness, etc. However, we would always admonish one another for actually doing suicidal activities(practice hanging, putting a loaded gun in mouth for feels, swallowing multiple pills), since nobody wanted to see the other die even if we ourselves feel like it would bring us peace. It wasn't so much out of selfishness, but I think fear of being the last alive and alone. So much so, that in a way, we kinda kept a subtle bet of who could last the longest. Partially because of this neither of their deaths were expected, so much so that when the first died we harassed her hoping she was just 5150'd again. Eventually the family contacts responded, after about a day and a half. I got this news on my 21st birthday, while out in uni, alone yet stuck in a dorm with two others having to hide my grief. Two months later the other friend took her life, again, unexpected. I got the news concrete of her passing a bit later after talking with her mother.

To this day I message them both goodmorning and goodnight along with various other things throughout the day. I have felt grief and loss for people I shared experiences with, similarities with, and people stressed over and cared for. Nothing has ever came across as so horribly painful to me as losing both of my closest people. Idk why I ever thought it would be the same, that I would have complete acceptance knowing their decision was for their peace. And even having the perspective and belief of deaths kindness, and understanding the decision to its fullest I feel anger towards both of them. Love and hate are both strong emotions, and can occur at the same time. The unbelievable amount of pain I feel when I think of them is strong enough to make me mad, and at times upset with them. I feel betrayed and abandoned despite knowing it was not their intent. They wouldn't harm me, but they couldn't go on. But that still makes me upset. Upset at them for leaving and upset at myself for failing them.

Even more cursed is that I've always essentially been tethered since my mom is alive. I already wasn't sure if I could go through with suicide, afraid of hurting her. Even still a part of me was always prepared to even if she was still alive, almost knowing it would be inevitable. But losing both of my friends made that so much harder. I don't want to cause that pain to anyone, and so for the first time after years of scarcely even stressing the consequences I'm shook.

So to go back to your question and points. Yes I feel angry, very angry, but not simply out of hatred, but from the intensity of my love. I also want to mention that both were well versed in their chosen methods, and well prepared before any crisis. They knew what they wanted, and likely even when. Even if they were in distress at the moment of death, they were 100% thinking clearly. And even though I had invested most of my time and a considerable amount of money in both of them, I do not feel angry that I "lost" said investments or because I think they made a mistake. I feel angry because I adored them, cherished them, and loved them.

I hope that makes some sense.

I love you Amber and Volta, I wish I coulda done more.

Thank you for such a personal response. I'm so sorry for your losses. That made me tear up that you still message them. I'm sure you did all you could for them and I'm sure they were so grateful.

 

[Holu]

Thank you for such a personal response. I'm so sorry for your losses. That made me tear up that you still message them. I'm sure you did all you could for them and I'm sure they were so grateful.

It's okay, I'm not really over them, but it's nice to think of them even if I cry my eyes out while doing so lmao. That's another thing I've gotten angry at them for, the act of literally not responding(which they can't). Sometimes I even think they are going to or have dreams that I see them or they respond. Its sucks lol.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's okay, I'm not really over them, but it's nice to think of them even if I cry my eyes out while doing so lmao. That's another thing I've gotten angry at them for, the act of literally not responding(which they can't). Sometimes I even think they are going to or have dreams that I see them or they respond. Its sucks lol.

I have dreams about deceased relatives too. I wake up feeling scared and guilty thinking- why haven't I called them in ages. Then, realise.

Yeah, it's got to be so hard. There's a couple of people from here that I miss. Not as close as a friendship exactly but, it's a strange feeling. Yours sounds much more complicated though because it sounded more like a staying alive pact you had with each other.

 

[Ironborn]

I know my family would be angry with me simply because my suicide would make them look bad.
Spent almost 40 years dealing with their bullshit, being burdened with their shortcomings and flaws and being expected to just deal with it.
When I do ctb I am simply cashing in four decades worth of emotional debt I have had to carry.
Not an ounce of sympathy from me, just rebalancing the scales.

 

[Holu]

I have dreams about deceased relatives too. I wake up feeling scared and guilty thinking- why haven't I called them in ages. Then, realise.

Yeah, it's got to be so hard. There's a couple of people from here that I miss. Not as close as a friendship exactly but, it's a strange feeling. Yours sounds much more complicated though because it sounded more like a staying alive pact you had with each other.

Honestly, the hardest part is that my method of coping was essentially dedicating the majority of my time caring for them. Harder to worry about yourself when you're worried about others. Losing that part of my day to day has ate a considerable amount of my mental stability. So much so that my hypomania has essentially all but faded aside from the occasional sleeplessness. I'm so overwhelmed grief I don't even feel the slight joy of mania

 

[destinationlosangel]

This is just what i think and I could be wrong so take what I say with a grain of salt.

I think that family being angry at the person who committed suicide is mainly when the act reflects poorly on them. It ruins their wholesome image and at the end of the day, when someone's kid or someone's wife commits suicide, it obviously draws a lot of attention and while things may have looked great on the surface, now people start talking and such and that can bother certain groups of people. I know that if I ctb, my dad is going to be really angry with me lol. Only cuz it ruins his image of an 'amazing person'. So thats what i think. On the whole, I think nobody cares when someone ctbs. Empathetic people would go, 'Oh thats such a shame' and yes it would be such a shame when a person commits ctb.

I think the usual reaction tho, instead of anger, in most families, would be sadness. And thinking, 'I wonder what I could've done to help', which is normal.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I think it's because people tend to believe that every case of a person killing themselves is due to mental illness and that the suicidal person actually wanted to live but got robbed of their life due to mental illnesses. They simply can't understand that not every suicidal person has a mental illness. They also can't understand that some people simply don't want life no matter what or that some people can't be cured in ways other than death.

My parents would be angry at me for killing myself though they would have a different reason for getting angry. Their reason would be because of how suicide isn't allowed in their religion and, because of this, they'll be wishing that I go to hell as per their religion's instructions.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

I did think about that quite some time. I came to the conclusion that my life is mine only. I'm not living in the debt of anyone else, from the core of my existence I was not MADE to serve or please anyone, so I think I should retain the right to take my own decisions about my life. Sure, it's unavoidable that if I, or virtually anyone else, was to CTB people close to them would be (often) very shaken from that act, but as you said it's a natural feeling and not always something you just decide, for that reason I think it's "justified". The mainstream view and take on suicide that the average Joe has is "suicide is ALWAYS bad" and unless you live in severe pain it's hard to really sympathise and understand how others that struggle like this really feel. I wouldn't be mad at my hypothetical friends if they would be mad at me for CTBing if they're feeling like that just due to human nature.

But ultimately my life is mine, I don't have children and I haven't sold my life to anyone else. I am me and I do my thing.

 

[BlackDoor]

It's actually harder for me when a person passes and I know they wanted to live, than when I know they'd been wanting to ctb for quite some time. If it's not an impulsive act, even if I hate the fact that they're gone, I will try to respect their personal agency and their decision. The anger from suicide death for me, would not be at the person but moreso at the conditions surrounding them that did not enable them to thrive. This makes more sense to me than blaming them. It's not an easy thing to put an end to everything, the strength of that conviction must come from somewhere.

In general though, the anger at the person could come from many places, feelings of loss of control, guilt, anger for causing them pain or inconvenience etc. Grieving is a personal act for the griever, it's about mourning the loss of a relationship, what that looks like is different for everyone. Some people make it all about themselves, some people go through the motions and pretend to care more than they do, some people focus on who the person was and meant to them, and all the iterations over and in between.

 

[Manfrotto99]

I certaintly cannot speak for others family and parents only mine. It is simply because it would make them look bad and hurt their fragile egos and sense of pride because of what others may think of them and that they could no longer control me and keep me down in my place where they think i belos. Also they believe I am a failure and my cbt would only confirm that I failed then and I let them down and that would make them angry. For my parents and family it has nothing to do with feeling upset of angry for letting me in any way, but everything to do with me litting them down. My parents and sister are incapable of empathy and I really hope this is not the case for most people on here.

 

[mythofsisyphus]

I guess it's individual. But I know if I imagine someone really close to me, someone I love, committing suicide, I know I'd be angry. I know that's hypocritical, cause I'm literally considering suicide myself, but I would be.

I'd be angry they didn't reach out to me more, I'd be angry they didn't try everything under the sun to get better, I'd be angry that my love for them wasn't enough to keep them here, that they didn't love me enough to stay. Even though rationally I know these things aren't true - I love my family so much, and know they love me, but it's not feeling like enough to get me through the pain, I'd definitely still feel them.

Emotions don't follow the rules of rationality and logic, I think anger is a very understandable response.

 

[glossble]

It's still a mystery to me, to be honest. I think people feel betrayed, since you didn't die because of an accident or illness, instead you ended your own life. You did it, you're the one who made a unilateral decision that caused them a lot of pain. Unfortunately, I feel like some of these people should be mad at themselves for ignoring or not noticing/not taking seriously the struggles of the person who ctb, but instead they shift the blame (blame the person who ctb, internet, drugs, doctors, social media etc)

I personally feel more sadness when someone who loved life and wanted to live dies, than when a person who wanted to die, most likely suffered a lot and wanted to end their pain dies. Beyond the grief and pain, I would feel relieved that my loved one is no longer suffering.
I think they absolutely have the right to feel sad, lost, confused, angry, but to blame someone who has suffered enough as it is, instead of empathizing, is outrageous to me (ノ_ <、)

It's someone's life and their own decision, to think it was for you to decide what they had to do with their life is kind of sick

 

[Emeralds]

I think that they could be angry for a lot of reasons. It's not the same as a natural death. The person who end their life is choosing to leave. Their family may see it as that person choosing to abandon them.

They could be upset that the person didn't tell them that person didn't come to them and ask for help instead of killing themself. They may believe that if they had only known they could have done something to help and the suicide could have been prevented (whether that is actually true or not).

People close to them may feel guilty. They may think that somehow it is their fault. That if they had spent more time with them they would have noticed something was wrong and could have prevented it. They Blane themselves for not noticing the signs, They are redirecting the anger they feel at themselves at the person who killed themselves.

 

[mrtime87]

I think whether or not it's right you feel angry depends on the situation.

There is an element of selfishness that comes with being angry at someone for ending their life. Without being in that person's shoes, who id to say suicide wasn't the best option?