Discussion why have fear on my 3rd suicide attempt?

[HilbertLingling]

caution: engrish

my first 2 suicide attempts of paracetamol overdose failed spectacularly. no lasting liver damage supposedly. only lose some hair that has already regrown. full recovery. both attempts were from a year ago

fast forward 3 months ago, procured sodium nitrite for the 3rd try. somewhere along the line learned that SN juice might give me tummy pain, nausea and other discomfort. (generally not a lot of research) not that i hadnt experienced those with paracetamol overdose.

strangely, chickened out after mixing a jug of SN goodness, not consuming it and ended up wasting that batch

had a plan going where i place myself into a financial vice grip where id run out of savings and be pressured to drink SN elixir out of desperation

idled for months until today. with my funds steadily depleting, the stress to do the deed is building along. used the time to kinda check things off my bucket list, had fun.

now comes my question. i would not want to admit that im afraid to die now but this line of reasoning checks out. why is it that im so gung ho with gulping down paracetamol tablets but not with SN juice? i should add that i feel no attachment towards living for the few good times to come. ive had enough.

what the fucj is wrong with me? what is the problem? am i in denial?

 

[drag201]

Because nearly all living things deal with primal survival instincts. A person in a regular state of mind can't just lose the fear to die, no matter how close they have come to it. It's just how we are wired.

 

[HilbertLingling]

Because nearly all living things deal with primal survival instincts. A person in a regular state of mind can't just lose the fear to die, no matter how close they have come to it. It's just how we are wired.

super gay i hate it

and that hints that im in a peaceful state of mind? im just being edgy and in denial?

ultra gay i hate mineself

 

[sos]

probably because you're more familiar with paracetamols than SN but that's my wild guess

SN is an unknown territory for you

also bc ur probably aware of the fact that SN has more success when it comes to dying than paracetamol

u might be in denial but u might also be scared of the fact that u don't have experience with SN

 

[HilbertLingling]

it is now prime time to go. hopefully ill manage to do it in a week.
my funds are running dry and i pretty much crossed out all of my impromptu bucket list. id say i truly have nth to live for and miss now.
very irresponsible of me to only finalize my plan right now.
i live in a rented room and intend to ctb there. i have no family/home to return to so to speak and i want to spite and traumatize a few housemates with my decaying corpse.
right now is actually the best scenario possible. im alone in the house at 5am on a sunday. but i just had to satiate my hunger after waking up (there goes the recommended fasting before SN ingestion) and i want to eat my comfort food again. ill postpone it to a weekday. im not on good terms with anyone so the moment theyd notice my passing is when they smell the strong miasma of decay.
almost a year has passed since my procurement of SN from a local chemical distributor and after living over 10 months in decadence i still have fear whenever i envision actually taking the SN solution. how shameful. worse, im grossed out and might be feeling sorry imagining people discovering my rotting body, after all the brave talk about wanting to spite them. but im becoming more confident i might be able to ctb properly. i have to. i wont tolerate experiencing what is to come if i ultimately couldnt.

feels nice getting this out for umpteenth time to a potential audience, but its shameful and damaging to expose my worthless self and have people sneer at me. so it might be better nobody sees this. all the machinations in reality punishes the weak, no matter its moral integrity nd portfolio.
and for the umpteenth time too, please commit to my plans, me.

 

[HilbertLingling]

its now 0433 ill engage in bed rotting just a bit more until i drink at 0500 sharp

 

[deadbidaylight]

I hope you find peace. Safe travels

 

[SVEN]

Every good wish to you, not a one of us but totally gets how fierce SI can be. Be kind to yourself my friend.

 

[HilbertLingling]

Every good wish to you, not a one of us but totally gets how fierce SI can be. Be kind to yourself my friend.

wdym not one of us?
nvm
funny if i check back in a few days later
peace out
drank
50ml with 2 tbl spoon mix is real salty

 

[SVEN]

wdym not one of us?
nvm
funny if i check back in a few days later
peace out
drank
50ml with 2 tbl spoon mix is real salty

Just how I speak, only mean that not any of us don't understand how strong SI is.
Hope all goes well.