Why I personally want to ctb. Warning:TMI

[ChickenAndPotatoes]

I'm new here but I thought I might post what bought me here.

My parents. Both mother and stepfather were US Marines. Stepdad used to molest me (kissing me with tongue) and belt whipped me from age 4 to 7. (He probably would have kept on if it wasn't for him and Mother getting a divorce. Me and sisters went to live with Mother). He would force me to take off all my clothes to belt whip me. Mother belt whipped me from age 4 to 17 and she would threaten me, pop me in the face, and cuss at me. She is very unstable and volatile. I developed childhood PTSD from the abuse. Mother is also a drunk who ALWAYS used to force me and my sisters to go with her to parties at her friends' house where the adults were drinking, LOUD, and slapping dominos on the table. That is not good for a child with PTSD who needs a safe, quiet place to be alone. So I developed social anxiety disorder. I also developed binge eating disorder and would hide food under my pillow as a child. I also have super poor impulse control. I joined the US Marines as well and was in for 9 years but my time was marked by driving long distances (i.e I drove 360 miles round-trip to watch a movie and get a bite to eat. I drove 300 miles to Pismo Beach and spent only about 30 minutes there going to the bathroom and getting a bite to eat. Driving, so so much driving), spending most of my paycheck on scratchcards and the casino ($100's every two weeks), eating enormous amounts of food and drink, and being reclusive and uncooperative at work to where they removed me from my job and I would just show up to work and go to psychiatrist appointments, read, or just sit and stare at the walls while they were processing me for a medical discharge. I've got to live with the memories of the abuse for the rest of my life and the so many bad decisions I've made. I've been homeless several times and have no control over my poor impulse control. It runs me. Plus, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder which is like schizophrenia. I started seeing and hearing strange things starting in October 2015. I want to die so bad. I'm just afraid of the pain involved.

 

[scales]

I'm sorry for the suffering you have endured. I am particularly surprised by the lack of decent mental healthcare you received considering you were in the marines and the military tends to have some of the best healthcare available.

There are many painless suicide methods. The "night night" method and hanging if done properly are painless. Shallow water blackout is also painless and swift if done correctly.

N and SN are both good drug options if you can get a hold of them and the easiest and least painful. N is ideal. If you have any amount of money then it's the best way to go.

I hope you find what works for you and will cause you the least amount of pain.

 

[ChickenAndPotatoes]

I'm sorry for the suffering you have endured. I am particularly surprised by the lack of decent mental healthcare you received considering you were in the marines and the military tends to have some of the best healthcare available.

There are many painless suicide methods. The "night night" method and hanging if done properly are painless. Shallow water blackout is also painless and swift if done correctly.

N and SN are both good drug options if you can get a hold of them and the easiest and least painful. N is ideal. If you have any amount of money then it's the best way to go.

I hope you find what works for you and will cause you the least amount of pain.

Thanks:) my mental health care is currently covered by the VA and I monthly see a psychiatrist and a mental health intensive case management team who check on me weekly and they do my medication boxes, take me on outtings. Two caseworkers on the team are taking me to buy furniture for my apartment and are going to help me move it in. I was receiving good mental health care when I was in the Marines because our insurance is fully covered under Tricare and you can also get you're dental, medical, mental health treated at the on base clinics or Naval Hospital. But it doesn't really help me. My brain is damaged from the abuse.

 

[scales]

Thanks:) my mental health care is currently covered by the VA and I monthly see a psychiatrist and a mental health intensive case management team who check on me weekly and they do my medication boxes, take me on outtings. Two caseworkers on the team are taking me to buy furniture for my apartment and are going to help me move it in. I was receiving good mental health care when I was in the Marines because our insurance is fully covered under Tricare and you can also get you're dental, medical, mental health treated at the on base clinics or Naval Hospital. But it doesn't really help me. My brain is damaged from the abuse.

That's is pretty impressive health care. I understand your frustrations and respect your decision. If I can help please let me know.

 

[ChickenAndPotatoes]

That's is pretty impressive health care. I understand your frustrations and respect your decision. If I can help please let me know.

Thank you

 

[TAW122]

Wow, that is a really rough childhood, no one should have been subject to that kind of abuse! As far as owning any weapons, were you ever involuntarily commitment or declared mentally incompetent? I know you mentioned getting psychiatric appointments and what not, but I assume if you are able to get a hold of a firearm, then you could ctb, but if that isn't possible, then you may have to choose other methods. Anyways, best of luck in finding whatever method you choose or if you decide to stay around longer.

 

[ChickenAndPotatoes]

Wow, that is a really rough childhood, no one should have been subject to that kind of abuse! As far as owning any weapons, were you ever involuntarily commitment or declared mentally incompetent? I know you mentioned getting psychiatric appointments and what not, but I assume if you are able to get a hold of a firearm, then you could ctb, but if that isn't possible, then you may have to choose other methods. Anyways, best of luck in finding whatever method you choose or if you decide to stay around longer.

I was involuntarily committed. So no firearms for me;(

 

[Going Home]

I can relate to a lot of your experience. No child deserves that.
Im glad you have kind people helping you. I wish you peace and freedom from PTSD.

 

[ChickenAndPotatoes]

I can relate to a lot of your experience. No child deserves that.
Im glad you have kind people helping you. I wish you peace and freedom from PTSD.

Thanks for your kind words:)

 

[Threads]

I am also a survivor of intra-familial sexual abuse.

I pray you find peace. If you're looking for fellow survivors to speak with, please check for your local SIA (Survivors of incestual abuse) groups. They may have one in your area.

You are safe and loved here.

 

[TheLastTrip]

Wow I agree, that is horrible you had to endure that, I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that.

It sounds like you have a lot of support which is great, but most of us here can relate to the idea that no matter how much support you get it doesn't stop you being so damn tired of all the suffering and wanting the release of ctb.

Thank you for trusting us with that and opening up to us.