• Hey Guest,

    As you know, censorship around the world has been ramping up at an alarming pace. The UK and OFCOM has singled out this community and have been focusing its censorship efforts here. It takes a good amount of resources to maintain the infrastructure for our community and to resist this censorship. We would appreciate any and all donations.

    Bitcoin Address (BTC): 39deg9i6Zp1GdrwyKkqZU6rAbsEspvLBJt

    Ethereum (ETH): 0xd799aF8E2e5cEd14cdb344e6D6A9f18011B79BE9

    Monero (XMR): 49tuJbzxwVPUhhDjzz6H222Kh8baKe6rDEsXgE617DVSDD8UKNaXvKNU8dEVRTAFH9Av8gKkn4jDzVGF25snJgNfUfKKNC8

WildAtHeart

WildAtHeart

tired
Oct 1, 2024
120
I find it hard to speak about these things but the anonymity here helps, I have spoken of these things with people in real life such as family, girlfriend and mental health professionals but other than my girlfriend I've never really felt any support on these things. When I was 8 I was touched multiple times by a guy who must have been 16-20, honestly I have no idea of his real age, i wasnf raped but was touched and I feel same every day for it, He showed me gay porn which I feel has fucked my sexuality up, I'm straight for the record but I do get off to gay porn which really confuses me, I'm not bi, I also blame him for my addiction to porn but I can't help but also blame myself for that addiction, i just cant get rid of it. Everyone tells me it wasn't my fault but I feel those are empty words, I could have stepped away, basically was when I was doing swimming lessons, the place has this kind of overlook area and a corridor leading to it. I used to sit there as a kid doing fuck knows to be honest I can't remember but he would come there and touch me. The worst past it I would always be there even after the first times, I never stopped going there/ told anyone, everyone tells me don't blame myself but I feel to blame a lot, the police have been involved but nothing came from it, don't want to sound like an incel but I do feel like because I'm male many of the people involved have kind have brushed it to the side, I just feel very guilty even though i "shouldn't do". Past that my family is very dysfunctional, depression has always been in my family, my brother is only 14 but he's sold and done drugs and is very violent even at a young age like 6 he would smash holes in walls in temper tantrums, he still does but now he's turned to physical assault to my parents who I still live with, I try to stay away from it as much as I can but it's hard yk, we have the police here maybe every other week and he's been arrested before for thag which I what my parents wanted for him. Property damage, assault and resisting is what he's been charged with I believe. I say believe because my parents don't tell me much, I'm often at my girlfriends as they want me to be away from what happens in the house as they are scared I'll break and kill myself, I'm very impulsive. In the past I've tried to kill myself twice, been in hospital before yk. He's not a bad kid I get along with him but he's also hell on earth at the same time. Ik this point on my brother isn't as significant and is kind of petty for letting it get to me but it does… a lot. I've been getting into drinking over the last few years more and more, not on an alcoholic level but enough that I find it Hard to walk away from a drink or when I drink I can't stop unless I finish every drink I can. I find it very hard to walk away from the shop when in town without buying enough to make me drunk, again I'm not an alcoholic but I feel my drinking habits are getting progressively worse. I have a lot of self doubt abour myself, I view my self worth as minimal. I understand I will never amount to anything. It's shit yes but that's just life to me, I feel like I'm constantly being one upped by those around me, it's petty again but it hurts to feel second class to those with much more value in life than me with their talents and general prospects for the future, I won't amount to much if anything. I used to heavily self harm, on a positive note not nearly as much as I used to considering it used to be every day and my arms are completely fucked but on a negative I feel I'm slowly falling back into those habits, I for a while was relatively stable but now the last few months it Has all gone down hill again and I feel even worse than I used to. Thoughts of suicide fill my mind every day and it's exhausting. This is again Petty but my sleep is getting worse, I sleep on average 2 am but now it's turning Into 4am wake up at 7am, every day feels like a dream because of this. Back to my relationship with my parents, I love them and they love me I'm sure but when they bought me up they were quite heavy handed hitting me and used to verbally abuse???? Me ??? Maybe verbally abuse me idk but used to make me feel worthless as punishment. I know they love me truly and I love them but it still hurts every day. I suffer from depression and have for years, done mental health care and medication but it's all moved it to the back to my head I've realised and now it's all coming forward again.

I've always been quite an emotional person and I admit that, but life it getting too hard, my girlfriend is fhe only good listener I have but a lot of the time I find it embarrassing to speak about those things, it's all ripping me up from the inside.

I know many of these are quite small issues and a lot of "issues" are probably non issues but shit, life is shit and I just need to write this stuff down.
 
  • Hugs
  • Love
  • Like
Reactions: shrekbby, Forever Sleep, __dystop1a__ and 2 others
aespa

aespa

Member
Oct 23, 2024
51
I feel you I was SAd and raped when I was 16. I still remember it to this day. It fucked me up and I had a porn addiction and I got off to anything. Gay. Lesbian. Straight. Anything. I am always open to talk to if you ever need advice or is just struggling it's nice you have your girlfriend to talk to as well.
I hope everything gets better for you 🙏 much love
 
  • Like
Reactions: WildAtHeart
WildAtHeart

WildAtHeart

tired
Oct 1, 2024
120
I feel you I was SAd and raped when I was 16. I still remember it to this day. It fucked me up and I had a porn addiction and I got off to anything. Gay. Lesbian. Straight. Anything. I am always open to talk to if you ever need advice or is just struggling it's nice you have your girlfriend to talk to as well.
I hope everything gets better for you 🙏 much love
Ty I appreciate it
 
  • Love
Reactions: aespa
F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
10,082
I don't think any of the things you described are 'petty' or 'small'. Even things like lack of sleep and a volatile home environment can really mess life up.

The abuse you suffered absolutely wasn't your fault. I'm not really surprised that it has likely resulted in an attraction to gay porn. I think you're being incredibly hard on yourself that you should have been stronger. You were a child. It's bound to have impacted the way you developed and what you used to cope with it.

I wish I could say something to actually help. I can only say I'm sorry for all you went through and are going through but- I don't think you should be beating yourself up on top of that for how you've handled it. All we've got is the future too. So, I suppose all you can do is try to change the things that you feel bad about- if you can. I wish you all the best.
 
WildAtHeart

WildAtHeart

tired
Oct 1, 2024
120
You were a child. It's bound to have impacted the way you developed and what you used to cope with it.
Idk it's just hard to feel like it wasn't my own fault when I could have just not gone back to the same place the next time I was there. Yk it's not like he would have come found me. If I just didn't go there nothing more would have happened.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Forever Sleep
F

Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
10,082
Idk it's just hard to feel like it wasn't my own fault when I could have just not gone back to the same place the next time I was there. Yk it's not like he would have come found me. If I just didn't go there nothing more would have happened.

I expect we've all done things we regret. Especially as children. Even now, it's not actually difficult to find ourselves in vulnerable situations. Predators like that guy take advantage of all that and blame the victims.

I don't truthfully know much about stuff like this but, I'm sure it's extremely complex. Regardless though- you were the child. He was the adult. He knew he shouldn't have done that. It wasn't your fault. Not that you did but- even say you had initiated something- it would still be his fault. You would be judged too young to understand what was going on fully.
 
WildAtHeart

WildAtHeart

tired
Oct 1, 2024
120
I expect we've all done things we regret. Especially as children. Even now, it's not actually difficult to find ourselves in vulnerable situations. Predators like that guy take advantage of all that and blame the victims.

I don't truthfully know much about stuff like this but, I'm sure it's extremely complex. Regardless though- you were the child. He was the adult. He knew he shouldn't have done that. It wasn't your fault. Not that you did but- even say you had initiated something- it would still be his fault. You would be judged too young to understand what was going on fully.
Idk but I appreciate it anyway
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: Forever Sleep

Similar threads

let.me.let.go87
Replies
2
Views
90
Suicide Discussion
EvisceratedJester
EvisceratedJester
aikou
Replies
1
Views
97
Recovery
Mirrory Me
Mirrory Me
Chuuya-Chan ⋆. 𐙚˚
Replies
0
Views
65
Recovery
Chuuya-Chan ⋆. 𐙚˚
Chuuya-Chan ⋆. 𐙚˚
cazza82
Replies
0
Views
57
Suicide Discussion
cazza82
cazza82