Venting Why I’m homicidal at my teacher and my CTB plan

[Webnext]

Note that this is a long thread and this might get someone shocked but I've been holding this for too long to myself and I'm letting out my anger and need to put this out for help so please read this so you know my problem that I'm struggling with.

Ok so at the beginning of my senior year in high school in August 2021, I had a math female teacher who was around her 30's for my mathematics class that me and my classmates were getting along with. On the first day with every teacher that I know who does this, puts up a presentation welcoming the class and getting to know the teacher like where they were from and what hobbies they like and their family etc. She told us that she was from brazil and how she was a teacher in Panama and is married with a husband, and also had a little boy and she also had another baby coming so she was pregnant when we saw her and was only at the school for a semester. It was her second year teaching at the district where my school I was in as she taught math back then in Panama for a long time so she wasn't a new teacher to begin with. On the first week everything went smooth since it was the beginning and getting used to the class. As the school year progresses starting the second or third week, we were learning the math material which I definitely liked how she taught math to us and that wasn't an issue.

However, she setup a system for the class on letting us use the restroom whenever we need to. I know none of my other teachers did this so I know it wasn't a school policy that everyone had to follow and it was only her system that she made. Every quarter, we were giving out four bathroom passes that she made and the passes would have her name and name of the class written on the pass so it wasn't school made by the way so during class with her and when a student had to use the restroom didn't had anymore passes, she would still let the student go but she would take away employability points in the gradebook which everytime I witness that made me felt like that is unethical and not right at all. Going to the bathroom is something that we can't control, it's not like my classmates are leaving the class intentionally to do something else like using their phone. Heck we had to turn our phones in so we couldn't use them during class which that's understandable since students get distracted on their phone and don't pay attention so I'm not mad about that part. But what makes me more crazy is one time I needed to use the restroom so when I left the classroom to use it and when it says it was out of order, I would come back and tell her and she would be like ok and then I ask her if I can get my pass back and she does this weird way of saying no that she likes to do this fake smile quietly in front of me and won't say anything and that's her fault of saying no to me and it really pisses me off when it's not my fault the school restroom was out of order and didn't get my pass back.

Her system was very strict and myself as a student, I also had learning disabilities so I was part of the IEP plan which allows me to have extended time whenever we take a test or a quiz. I remember when I was taking a math test and when the class is over and if I told her that I was still working on it and it's part of my IEP plan, she does her fake smile again but she did went back and let me finish it but I could tell she didn't like that but it's a requirement from the school. Everytime I think about her fake smile was wanting me to get more angry at her deep down inside of me.

So right now I'm in college so there's years has come by since I last saw her and ever since then I cannot let go of how mad I am at her for her stupid strict system that she made that I wanted to get revenge. I did found her online like her Facebook profile and what house she lives and her address online and I am worried that I'm going to do something bad and was thinking about arson (burning her house down one night), but I'm not a murderer or haven't done any crime in my entire life but my brain is controlling me and I can't control myself and I if I did act on property damage to her house that I would CTB right away since I'm scared of the police or being arrested since it's my worst nightmare and it's nothing like me to be arrested since I never committed any crimes in my life. My evil brain is telling me what to do and it's been giving me pain in my chest that it's preventing me from studying in college and focusing on other things in life.

Once again, I am sorry for those who are stunned on reading this but I have to be tell the truth on what I'm thinking about and thinking while angry is not a crime but also just wish that a teacher who is also a parent outside of her teaching life should've been more open-minded and had more freedom to ourselves and instead was making me and my classmates feel miserable throughout the semester that I had with her! She never laughed or was happy with me everyday I saw her even though I tried to entertain her but it was never fun with her as my math teacher.

 

[willitpass]

Please seek help. I know you are struggling a lot but if you are worried you are going to harm someone you need to get help immediately. Suicide is a personal decision made out of one's own autonomy, homicide is not and if you are scared you are going to act on these thoughts you need to go to a hospital where they can try and stabilize you. At the very least they can keep you there for awhile to ensure you aren't able to hurt anyone. Seeking help at a hospital before you do anything will not land you in any legal trouble, so don't be worried about that.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I'm struggling to understand why you'd want to kill your teacher over that, I don't get it? Why does she deserve to die for that?

And now you've gone to the point of finding out where she lives? You realise what that is, right?

You're literally saying you have no control over it, only your brain does.. your brain IS you. You can control it. You want someone to know or you wouldn't be on here telling people

Tell someone that needs to know - without any information at all, we can't do anything.

Don't do anything stupid. One moment of madness leads to a lifetime of regret, and you'll be fucked and no way out, and with a criminal record, and this will fuck your entire life. For what exactly?

Go and get help for yourself, reach out. People don't know how to help if you don't ask for it or tell someone, so this website was your first step. Second step is tell someone in the real world, and they can help you

All the best

 

[mistymoo]

It sounds like you've had a lot of really difficult thoughts ever since this teacher. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

Is it possible that you're misdirecting (sp?) your anger towards her? Considering this happened past in highschool and now you're in college it sounds like she might be an easy scapegoat to blame some of your troubles on.

As others have said PLEASE reach out to someone for help. Please do not take a mother away from her children because you're upset with her teaching style

 

[StaticCryBabye]

I'm struggling to understand why you'd want to kill your teacher over that, I don't get it? Why does she deserve to die for that?

And now you've gone to the point of finding out where she lives? You realise what that is, right?

You're literally saying you have no control over it, only your brain does.. your brain IS you. You can control it. You want someone to know or you wouldn't be on here telling people

Tell someone that needs to know - without any information at all, we can't do anything.

Don't do anything stupid. One moment of madness leads to a lifetime of regret, and you'll be fucked and no way out, and with a criminal record, and this will fuck your entire life. For what exactly?

Go and get help for yourself, reach out. People don't know how to help if you don't ask for it or tell someone, so this website was your first step. Second step is tell someone in the real world, and they can help you

All the best

I want to say the same thing. I don't understand why OP would have that much of a killing intent over something like that. I strongly recommend seeking therapy because it sounds like it's just really bad anger management issues.

 

[Hotsackage]

Don't hurt anyone please, call the police, get help, I'm sorry life has been rough for you, as it has with many of us

 

[willitpass]

Don't hurt anyone please, call the police, get help, I'm sorry life has been rough for you, as it has with many of us

At least if they're in the US I would recommend checking into an emergency room or calling requesting an ambulance. Police in the US have a horrible track record with mishandling mental health patients, especially when homicidal thoughts are involved.

 

[Hotsackage]

At least if they're in the US I would recommend checking into an emergency room or calling requesting an ambulance. Police in the US have a horrible track record with mishandling mental health patients, especially when homicidal thoughts are involved

Ya that would be better, but if they are calm enough the police will just escort them to the hospital, where they can calm down.

 

[Webnext]

Please seek help. I know you are struggling a lot but if you are worried you are going to harm someone you need to get help immediately. Suicide is a personal decision made out of one's own autonomy, homicide is not and if you are scared you are going to act on these thoughts you need to go to a hospital where they can try and stabilize you. At the very least they can keep you there for awhile to ensure you aren't able to hurt anyone. Seeking help at a hospital before you do anything will not land you in any legal trouble, so don't be worried about that.

You are right, I know homicide can be prevented. The main reason why it came up from this was my suicidal thoughts because even before when I had my math teacher, I was getting ready to CTB since I was a freshman in HS but was stopped due to failed attempt. But ever since then I'm still feeling distressed in life now with college and everything and that's why it's gotten worse to feeling homicidal now so hope you understand

 

[BlackEyedDog]

I'm sorry for what happened to you, and we want you to get better.
Please seek help right away to get you through this. You don't want to hurt anyone,
and getting help will get these terrible thoughts under control.

 

[willitpass]

You are right, I know homicide can be prevented. The main reason why it came up from this was my suicidal thoughts because even before when I had my math teacher, I was getting ready to CTB since I was a freshman in HS but was stopped due to failed attempt. But ever since then I'm still feeling distressed in life now with college and everything and that's why it's gotten worse to feeling homicidal now so hope you understand

You can't help being homicidal, but you can help getting help. It is up to you to go get help before someone gets hurt and you need to do it. This teacher did absolutely nothing worthy of what your mind is telling you to do. You need to get help before someone gets hurt. And you need to do it very soon. Please go check yourself into the hospital.

 

[Ol Messier 87]

Do yourself a favor, take a break from this forum, stop actively feeding these fantasies about your math teacher (I read another post of yours where you talk about her), and seek professional help quickly. All these cumbersome thoughts about death, that's one thing when you are suicidal, it is quite a different kind of things when you have criminal thoughts. You seem intelligent, you must realize that your story is bordering on the irrational. You seem to realize that your teacher did nothing that could justify such a fate. Taking away points in the gradebook would be "unethical", so you plan to find her on social media and burn down her house? Come one, you gotta know that there's no configuration where this logic makes any sense.
Take a break from dark and gloomy shit on the internet, and like the other comments, go talk to someone irl, a professional who will listen to what you have to say, and will be able to actually help you.
Be strong

 

[Webnext]

I'm struggling to understand why you'd want to kill your teacher over that, I don't get it? Why does she deserve to die for that?

And now you've gone to the point of finding out where she lives? You realise what that is, right?

You're literally saying you have no control over it, only your brain does.. your brain IS you. You can control it. You want someone to know or you wouldn't be on here telling people

Tell someone that needs to know - without any information at all, we can't do anything.

Don't do anything stupid. One moment of madness leads to a lifetime of regret, and you'll be fucked and no way out, and with a criminal record, and this will fuck your entire life. For what exactly?

Go and get help for yourself, reach out. People don't know how to help if you don't ask for it or tell someone, so this website was your first step. Second step is tell someone in the real world, and they can help you

All the best

I want to say the same thing. I don't understand why OP would have that much of a killing intent over something like that. I strongly recommend seeking therapy because it sounds like it's just really bad anger management issues.

I know that's it's hard to understand why I'm feeling like this even though it's nothing and that's me and I know it may seem like it's nothing to you but I make it into a bigger problem for myself. I have been dealing with OCD and been getting repetitive negative thoughts that I've experienced in the past that traumatizes me even when I was a child. It definitely hurts emotionally and gives me pain in my chest and that's why I cannot let go and move on from things that hurt me deep down inside. That's why and you wouldn't like it if you had a math teacher who was very strict and let you down almost everyday at school. She didn't listen or understand me and made me feel neglected.

Do yourself a favor, take a break from this forum, stop actively feeding these fantasies about your math teacher (I read another post of yours where you talk about her), and seek professional help quickly. All these cumbersome thoughts about death, that's one thing when you are suicidal, it is quite a different kind of things when you have criminal thoughts. You seem intelligent, you must realize that your story is bordering on the irrational. You seem to realize that your teacher did nothing that could justify such a fate. Taking away points in the gradebook would be "unethical", so you plan to find her on social media and burn down her house? Come one, you gotta know that there's no configuration where this logic makes any sense.
Take a break from dark and gloomy shit on the internet, and like the other comments, go talk to someone irl, a professional who will listen to what you have to say, and will be able to actually help you.
Be strong

Thanks for the advice. I already have a therapist but was hesitant to tell her and couldn't be brave enough to do it. I don't come onto this forum often, I'm always studying and getting work done in college so it's not like I'm always on here 24/7. The homicide thoughts is another thing that came into me but you need to know that I have been struggling a lot with suicide since I started with high school and wanted to CTB badly. I was going to make another thread on my suicide story and how I found help but you want me to not be on here for awhile so I get it

 

[Ol Messier 87]

Thanks for the advice. I already have a therapist but was hesitant to tell her and couldn't be brave enough to do it. I don't come onto this forum often, I'm always studying and getting work done in college so it's not like I'm always on here 24/7. The homicide thoughts is another thing that came into me but you need to know that I have been struggling a lot with suicide since I started with high school and wanted to CTB badly. I was going to make another thread on my suicide story and how I found help but you want me to not be on here for awhile so I get it

I imagined that you also live with suicidal tendencies, I did not want to diminish the difficulty of your situation, I wanted to say that the atmosphere that we can find on this forum can be beneficial for someone who has accepted the idea of suicide, it can also be harmful; but for someone who has criminal thoughts on top of that, it can only drag you deeper, and closer to your breaking point. However, obviously I don't know you, which is why I am alarmed when I read a post like yours. And if you are already seeing a therapist, that is a great thing and you should obviously talk to her, she is much more qualified than I am.

 

[J'sSister]

Thanks for the advice. I already have a therapist but was hesitant to tell her and couldn't be brave enough to do it. I don't come onto this forum often, I'm always studying and getting work done in college so it's not like I'm always on here 24/7. The homicide thoughts is another thing that came into me but you need to know that I have been struggling a lot with suicide since I started with high school and wanted to CTB badly. I was going to make another thread on my suicide story and how I found help but you want me to not be on here for awhile so I get it

I don't think anyone is saying that they don't want you to be here. I think they are concerned and want you to seek the most appropriate help.

May I recommend that you please get in touch with your therapist ASAP ?!
I know you don't feel brave enough but you need the help! Is it really a bravery issue, or do you possibly feel shame over how strong your OCD is despite therapy? If so, you do NOT need to be ashamed! This is just a sign that your OCD and/or other issues need stronger intervention. The fact that you recognize the issue is a good sign!
You are only human, please tell your therapist and she can direct you to the most appropriate intervention! You can do this!!
<<<<<hugs>>>>>