Water-Lily
Enlightened
- Dec 26, 2020
- 1,203
Everyday is a struggle. It's an inner battle. Daily anxiety, flashbacks, etc. Triggers and discomfort in my home. A home that I am looking into finally escaping, even if just for a while.
I know I cannot heal in the place where I was broken. Even if magically everyone was in therapy and healing, it wouldn't change the fact that it happened. It wouldnt change the fact that their neglect, absuse, and enabling conitnrbuted to my current mental state. I need to grow afar and away
Though, I find myself jealous. I had cut off a bunch of people during a mental breakdown last week. Some I still talk to (I realize how few friends I really have) and there is this sense of pain. Sure some of my friends have their own trauma experiences and dysfunction. But the more I grow and look inwards, the more I see what I seriously lacked. My development was stunted. By the time I began to want to create my own identity it was squashed by my mother. She insisted I had to look in whatever way she felt was appropriate. She took it upon herself to change my identity. My hair, weight, body hair, etc. No healthy boundaries existed. We were heavily enmeshed. Everyone would say "your mom is so good! You guys are so close!" or "I am sure you mom was a great mom! I know its hard to grieve her!". Sadly society places mothers on a pedastool. While there are certainly mothers who are loving and caring, not many are. Narcissism and abuse exists on a spectrum. My mom was on the severe spectrum. Murderous rage and suicidality was common place, along with manipulation and my mother frequently having breakdowns about how she is unloved and hates herself. Whenever I watch kids shows where kids have basic bodily autonomy I am stunned. Because I am realizing what I have missed out on
Now, I do have the freedom. Though my father is not healthy, he does allow me freedom. I can buy whatever I want and do whatever with my body without any input or judgement from him. I am free in that sense. I actually plan to go shopping right after I make this post
But then, there is the long term trauma. The work that comes after and the work that doesn't stop. Trauma doesn't magically go away with time. It will never "go away". You just learn to accept it, and accept that some aspects of it are permanent. Maybe flashbacks and nightmares might be permanent. Maybe self doubt might be permanent. And sometimes I just wish I had the easier life. An easier childhood. With no abuse or bullying. With no trauma or shitty family. I sometimes wonder why life blessed my friends with good people and I got cursed with a bad life. Though I can objectively say I have experienced good things, I also suffered unnecessarily. My life is unfair. I hate how I have to work harder than others. I hate how I am suffering. I know it requires work, but sometimes I just don't want to do the work anymore. I just want the life my friends have. The easier life
I know I cannot heal in the place where I was broken. Even if magically everyone was in therapy and healing, it wouldn't change the fact that it happened. It wouldnt change the fact that their neglect, absuse, and enabling conitnrbuted to my current mental state. I need to grow afar and away
Though, I find myself jealous. I had cut off a bunch of people during a mental breakdown last week. Some I still talk to (I realize how few friends I really have) and there is this sense of pain. Sure some of my friends have their own trauma experiences and dysfunction. But the more I grow and look inwards, the more I see what I seriously lacked. My development was stunted. By the time I began to want to create my own identity it was squashed by my mother. She insisted I had to look in whatever way she felt was appropriate. She took it upon herself to change my identity. My hair, weight, body hair, etc. No healthy boundaries existed. We were heavily enmeshed. Everyone would say "your mom is so good! You guys are so close!" or "I am sure you mom was a great mom! I know its hard to grieve her!". Sadly society places mothers on a pedastool. While there are certainly mothers who are loving and caring, not many are. Narcissism and abuse exists on a spectrum. My mom was on the severe spectrum. Murderous rage and suicidality was common place, along with manipulation and my mother frequently having breakdowns about how she is unloved and hates herself. Whenever I watch kids shows where kids have basic bodily autonomy I am stunned. Because I am realizing what I have missed out on
Now, I do have the freedom. Though my father is not healthy, he does allow me freedom. I can buy whatever I want and do whatever with my body without any input or judgement from him. I am free in that sense. I actually plan to go shopping right after I make this post
But then, there is the long term trauma. The work that comes after and the work that doesn't stop. Trauma doesn't magically go away with time. It will never "go away". You just learn to accept it, and accept that some aspects of it are permanent. Maybe flashbacks and nightmares might be permanent. Maybe self doubt might be permanent. And sometimes I just wish I had the easier life. An easier childhood. With no abuse or bullying. With no trauma or shitty family. I sometimes wonder why life blessed my friends with good people and I got cursed with a bad life. Though I can objectively say I have experienced good things, I also suffered unnecessarily. My life is unfair. I hate how I have to work harder than others. I hate how I am suffering. I know it requires work, but sometimes I just don't want to do the work anymore. I just want the life my friends have. The easier life
