Venting Why people always leave us when we need them?

[Frozen Blood]

Through all my life I tried to be a good company, a good listener, a really good friend for all the people that tried to be near me.

I know that being around me is not the easiest thing. I always dealt with depression, anxiety, a fucking low self esteem and being a sad person in general. So when someone is willing to be my friend, I'll move worlds to make them feel good, to help them with their struggles or anything they would need at all.

Since the pandemic started, my mental health declined exponentially and for the last two or three years the suicidal thoughts that I always had became more than thoughts and now, in fact, I'm thinking about doing it, for good.

The worsening of my conditions made me even more depressed and my mood in general became "suicidal", even when I'm happy and in a good mood, all my jokes are about the possibility of my suicide.

I can't control that, it's literally slipping through my lips, but that led to many people that I cared dearly to get away from me, to not want to be around and I even heard one of them saying that "my sadness was making me look uglier".

Even my childhood best friend, who would call me his literal brother, left me.

You can bet that none of that help me with all the shitty things I've been feeling.

I wanted to live. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to have fun, to laugh and joke around with my friends, to make my girlfriend happy, to go out without having a crisis, but it seems impossible.

I did it all: psychiatrist, therapy, gym, mindfulness, you can name it. It just seems like I hate myself so much that my own body doesn't let me get better. But I really wish I did.

I'm not sure if I'll CTB one day, but god, if I could press a button and just die instantly NOW, I would without thinking twice.

 

[Darkover]

No one gives a shit about you unless there's something in it for them, Sadly, most people prioritize their own comfort or convenience over supporting others, especially if being there requires effort

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

Become a goth/emo, people are way less of a bitch when they kinda just expect you to be depressed from the get go. Or at least it just worked in my specific case lol.

 

[divinemistress36]

I hate to say this but most people dont want to be around mentally ill people. Im mentally ill and even have a hard time dealing with my friends Bipolar

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

It's more the intensity puts them off and everything becomes about you, even if you don't realise. Any friendship is a two way street.

To make every joke about the possiblity of your suicide (your words) would put anyone off really. It comes across as though you think it's a joke, because it's like you need constant validation for your suicidal thoughts. Why do you need that exactly? It's an attention thing, for sure, and that's ok, but the issue with that is, that's how your friends will perceive you = doing it for attention. Your friend tried to tell you.. re read your post

This is about your mindset. Changing your mindset can be done, it can, it is very possible but you have to work hard at it and not give up. It takes a long time. Think about how long you've been suicidal. Therefore, it'll also take a long time to make the thoughts less intense and eventually, go away. I can tell it's what you want, based on your post.

You don't want to be depressed (some do), you don't want to keep losing your friends, because then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. It is true, it does. "Oh look, they all left me. Knew it. See." Because you made them. People don't want to be around those that are constantly talking about suicide, it brings them down too, and it is very concerning for them. They want you to be ok.

Being there for your friends and being responsible for how they're feeling, and off loading onto them are two very different things, and I feel, based on your post, you believe your friends owe you it, when they don't. They don't owe you anything. Especially when everything is about you.

Please remember what I said, friendship is two ways. Not one. Sometimes we can get wrapped up in ourselves when all we're thinking about is killing ourselves, but don't let that put you off, you can make changes, the first step is to recognise you want better. No judgement here, no one is perfect and it doesn't make you a bad person, you're really struggling with your mental illness and you need that bit extra help from professionals, the help your friends are unable to give you and you need to learn to help yourself.

You are truly the only person you can rely on. No one else. Just you, so learn to be an emotional support for you. It can be done

There's a difference between being happy and content. I'd chose to be content, because happiness is overrated and it's easier to reach contentment, especially for those that struggle with mental illness.

 

[human909]

Unfortunately people don't give a shit about anyone with mental illness, they just see them as a weaker object and use them as punchbag or something like that. I lost most of my friends when they found out i was mentally ill.

 

[JesiBel]

Because it is easier for them to walk away than to "put themselves in someone else's shoes"

I can't understand why everyone walks away when something negative happens or when we are not "succeeding" in life. As if it were a contagious disease that we could pass on to them.

We've always been called dramatic or "attention seekers" and even "selfish" when we make the decision to.. "leave."

I hope that one day they will realize that we did not choose the difficult life we are leading, or our illnesses, or problems and sufferings.

I also wonder... why? Is it bad luck, fate? We do everything we can to make things better but nothing seems to work.

 

[swankysoup]

Unfortunately people don't give a shit about anyone with mental illness, they just see them as a weaker object and use them as punchbag or something like that. I lost most of my friends when they found out i was mentally ill.

And the joke is that the people who see us as weak are usually weak themselves.

 

[justmakingsure]

i know sometimes people get overwhelmed with the thoughts and feelings that come with someone going through a lot. i guess it means you just need to hold onto the people who don't. until they leave all the same.

 

[L'absent]

I truly understand how difficult it can be to feel trapped in a spiral of suffering, where every attempt at improvement seems to lead nowhere. Your frustration is completely understandable, especially when the people you've tried to help distance themselves, and when, despite your efforts, the pain seems endless.
What you're going through isn't easy, and I think part of the reason you seem unable to achieve what you want—like happiness and a stable life—may be due to a combination of factors. Low self-esteem and the pain you feel often make it hard to see the good in yourself and in the relationships around you. Sometimes, when someone doesn't feel worthy of love or happiness, they might unintentionally push away the opportunities to receive them. Even though you've been trying different ways (like therapy and the gym), the inner pain and loneliness can be so overwhelming that it becomes nearly impossible to improve, especially if you haven't found the right type of support for yourself.
I understand that, despite these struggles, what you're really seeking is an authentic emotional connection, and more than anything, you want to feel understood and loved. Maybe what you're truly looking for is someone who can see and hear your pain without judgment, someone who can make you feel that you're not alone. Your desire to live and to make the people you care about, like your girlfriend, happy, shows your humanity, but the fact that you feel so trapped in your suffering makes it hard to reach those goals.
I hope you can find someone or something that helps you feel less alone on this journey, and that shows you the value you have, despite all the pain you're facing. If you ever feel like talking or continuing to share how you feel, I'm here to listen.

 

[dontwakemeup]

I hate to say this but most people dont want to be around mentally ill people. Im mentally ill and even have a hard time dealing with my friends Bipolar

I think because we are mentally ill we sometimes burn our friends and family out. They get tired of us.

 

[divinemistress36]

I think because we are mentally ill we sometimes burn our friends and family out. They get tired of us.

Yes :( thats why I hibernate

And the joke is that the people who see us as weak are usually weak themselves.

Some of the qualities that other people have that bug us are actually qualities that we have ourself we just arent conciously aware of it

Because it is easier for them to walk away than to "put themselves in someone else's shoes"

I can't understand why everyone walks away when something negative happens or when we are not "succeeding" in life. As if it were a contagious disease that we could pass on to them.

We've always been called dramatic or "attention seekers" and even "selfish" when we make the decision to.. "leave."

I hope that one day they will realize that we did not choose the difficult life we are leading, or our illnesses, or problems and sufferings.

I also wonder... why? Is it bad luck, fate? We do everything we can to make things better but nothing seems to work.

People are taught to avoid suffering as much as possible. They call it ignoring their shadow side. Those that are able to acknowledge their shadow side and work on embracing it seem to be have more emotional intelligence and heal more.

 

[dyingslowly]

Through all my life I tried to be a good company, a good listener, a really good friend for all the people that tried to be near me.

I know that being around me is not the easiest thing. I always dealt with depression, anxiety, a fucking low self esteem and being a sad person in general. So when someone is willing to be my friend, I'll move worlds to make them feel good, to help them with their struggles or anything they would need at all.

Since the pandemic started, my mental health declined exponentially and for the last two or three years the suicidal thoughts that I always had became more than thoughts and now, in fact, I'm thinking about doing it, for good.

The worsening of my conditions made me even more depressed and my mood in general became "suicidal", even when I'm happy and in a good mood, all my jokes are about the possibility of my suicide.

I can't control that, it's literally slipping through my lips, but that led to many people that I cared dearly to get away from me, to not want to be around and I even heard one of them saying that "my sadness was making me look uglier".

Even my childhood best friend, who would call me his literal brother, left me.

You can bet that none of that help me with all the shitty things I've been feeling.

I wanted to live. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to have fun, to laugh and joke around with my friends, to make my girlfriend happy, to go out without having a crisis, but it seems impossible.

I did it all: psychiatrist, therapy, gym, mindfulness, you can name it. It just seems like I hate myself so much that my own body doesn't let me get better. But I really wish I did.

I'm not sure if I'll CTB one day, but god, if I could press a button and just die instantly NOW, I would without thinking twice.

Think of your brain like a building if the structure has faulted no matter what you do to decorate the rooms won't have any effect on the integrity of the building. I suffer from this and kinda understand it now. It is all bs, I say that if you really want to go then at least try to off people who made your life such a hell. It is people, it is always the people that are the fking problem not the other way around. The less social I became the better my life has become.

 

[eternallyluna]

I think because we are mentally ill we sometimes burn our friends and family out. They get tired of us.

Ugh, this is my biggest fear. And because of that I tend not to disclose much about my mental health or what I'm feeling.

But because I don't share that with people, I feel lonely and feel like I need support from the ones I love (not necessarily just support from my therapist).

It's hard because I don't want to burden those I love with my mental illness. But that results in more pain for me lol.

 

[TopChicken]

To expand on MyTimeisUp's reply, people in our shoe's arent exactly fun to be around at times. Unless you're one of those people that masks their feelings, we can just make a lot of things heavy. Just like we have the right to protect our mental health, as much as we can, so do our friends. You don't need to act happy 100% around them, but maybe try not to act so down either. At least minimize the jokes. If you vent a lot to them, maybe do that here instead. I know theres a ton of people that would listen. At the very least, only do it to friends who are ok with it, and even then, not all the time. Try to reach out and apologize. Explain that youre having a hard time and youll work on the jokes and whatever else. Like mytimeisup said, friendship is a two way street, and just like your feelings are valid, so are theirs.

If all this doesn't work, or youre not in the right headspace to try, i know it isnt much solace now, but people enter and leave our lives all the time and thats ok. That can be a part of what makes our relationships special. It still absolutely sucks when they end, but it isn't always forever. If it is, with time new people will enter out lives.

Either way, I hope you start to feel better. Even if its only a little bit. It can be tough. Youre not alone.

 

[Frozen Blood]

Please remember what I said, friendship is two ways. Not one. Sometimes we can get wrapped up in ourselves when all we're thinking about is killing ourselves, but don't let that put you off, you can make changes, the first step is to recognise you want better. No judgement here, no one is perfect and it doesn't make you a bad person, you're really struggling with your mental illness and you need that bit extra help from professionals, the help your friends are unable to give you and you need to learn to help yourself.

I get what you're trying to say. But I swear, I'm not giving my friends a one way relationship. I helped some of them to not kill themselves, talked and, I'm glad for that, some of them are living really good life's now. I'm not some guy that only talks about his own struggles. Honestly, I'm kind of a people pleaser and only after therapy I started to talk about my own struggles, as you said, hoping that someone would help me, as I did for them. They're not strangers, they're literally my best friends. At least, they used to be.

The mental health in my country is really expensive. I have ADHD and only one month of medication cost something like 30% of the minimum wage of my country. And there is the cost of psychiatrists, therapists, other medicines and even experimental treatments, because I have a internalized so deeply that I'm not worthy, because what others have done to me, that I simply do not believe my own value.

For the most of the time, I just helped my friends. I was the one they looked for for advise. The one that won't judge, that'll do anything to help.

I acknowledge that they do not own me anything. I just was naive enough to think that our connections was so deep, based on what we've had going through the years, that they wouldn't let me alone, the same way I didn't left them, unconditionally. I do not blame them, I'm just feel so bad that none of them seems to care that I'm about to kill myself, even those that was the closest to me. They literally expect it to happen and just said it to me. They do not expect me to recover.

I'm not a saint, I'm not the greatest person in the world. I just wanted someone to care about me as I care about them. I'm sorry if I sounded too selfish or anything like that. I'm literally in panic, afraid, not knowing what to do. I do not want to die. But, after trying everything I can pay for (I'm poor in my country), I can't see any hope left for me. It's just a rant. I'm sorry if I sounded like a selfish folk. I just dealt with this shit for almost twenty fucking years and honestly don't know what to do if I do not kill myself.

To expand on MyTimeisUp's reply, people in our shoe's arent exactly fun to be around at times. Unless you're one of those people that masks their feelings, we can just make a lot of things heavy. Just like we have the right to protect our mental health, as much as we can, so do our friends. You don't need to act happy 100% around them, but maybe try not to act so down either. At least minimize the jokes. If you vent a lot to them, maybe do that here instead. I know theres a ton of people that would listen. At the very least, only do it to friends who are ok with it, and even then, not all the time. Try to reach out and apologize. Explain that youre having a hard time and youll work on the jokes and whatever else. Like mytimeisup said, friendship is a two way street, and just like your feelings are valid, so are theirs.

If all this doesn't work, or youre not in the right headspace to try, i know it isnt much solace now, but people enter and leave our lives all the time and thats ok. That can be a part of what makes our relationships special. It still absolutely sucks when they end, but it isn't always forever. If it is, with time new people will enter out lives.

Either way, I hope you start to feel better. Even if its only a little bit. It can be tough. Youre not alone.

Man, that's the tough part about it. I'm not 100'% all suicidal jokes and all. Actually, I'm a pretty social and funny guy. People tend to like me. They say I'm funny, that they like me around. But, when the crisis comes and I need help, is like I'm a burden. I made all of them laugh, I made all of them happy, I'll do anything for them. Friendship is the most important thing to me. But at least in my country, it seems that's is more like what you can do for them than being it being mutual.

I'm almost 30, but I always believed that friendships were a two way relationships, because we care about each other, right? I used to think so, at least.

I hate to say this but most people dont want to be around mentally ill people. Im mentally ill and even have a hard time dealing with my friends Bipolar

Yeah, I already got that. That's why for the most of my life I just masked it. But i'm too old and tired now. All the meds, the therapy, the "you only need to try harder", just make me feel that I don't deserve to be around.

But when I'm around, it's all fun and games, everyone loves me, until I have a trigger and isolate myself.

Ugh, this is my biggest fear. And because of that I tend not to disclose much about my mental health or what I'm feeling.

But because I don't share that with people, I feel lonely and feel like I need support from the ones I love (not necessarily just support from my therapist).

It's hard because I don't want to burden those I love with my mental illness. But that results in more pain for me lol.

I'm feeling like that too. I'm not hiding it anymore, doesn't make sense. I do not want them to be surprised. I'm literally announcing what I plan to do, but it seems that no one takes it's too seriously. Guess it's good for me, right?

Become a goth/emo, people are way less of a bitch when they kinda just expect you to be depressed from the get go. Or at least it just worked in my specific case lol.

lol the funny is that although I'm a little older to be an emo in all its extension, I do like the style and use some parts of the fashion. But I attracted persons that fucked my mental health even more. Goths are cool and all, but we tend to be fucked up and if you're not the one to fuck someone's mind, probably it's ours that'll be fucked.