As a 2nd gen immigrant I had been raised by a single narcissistic mother who was african and muslim. She expected me to to be the sole carer of her and my severely low functioning autistic brother when I grew up. She had her own issues as her relationship with my father was toxic.
Growing up, she wanted me to be exactly like her, speak her language fluently and be a "good practicing muslim" at the same time. For context I live in a white majority area (Im in the UK, not England) and only family member I had around me all this time was her and my brother. Wed only visit family once a year in the past till I turned 19.
What I am trying to say here that I grew up around white people and was influenced by them. My mother never understood this, my mother was "disappointed" in me because I wasn't the type of child she wanted. According her I was "weird" and "stupid". She would call me this everyday. She was also physically abusive, I have been hit, thrown stuff at, strangled. My mother threatened to put needles in my eyes, throw electrical appliances, burn me with a iron etc. Generally speaking I became terrified of her.
I am quite introspective, I love drawing and writing. Making mangas, playing video games. And I guess I was considered weird.
When I became a teenager it just got worse. I was quite shy and I found it difficult to talk to people at times. Then the racism came, people started to isolate from me, I was bullied, I didn't have many friends. I came back home to be a servant, cleaning, looking after my brother, and I guess listening to all her emotional trauma dumping. And if I didn't do a good job, shed tell me that "even a dog was better than me."
Tbh I hated her, she would shout and yell at me. She would accuse me of "acting white" and she didn't want me to have white non-muslim friends, (not that I had that anyway at the time).
Anyway I can't explain everything as that is too long. So when I was 20, my mother kicked me out of the house for staying too long outside and not even caring to call to check up on her. She gave me a few minutes, I left her and never looked back ever since.
I was homeless for a long time, luckily I had a best friend that had been there to support me. And I was studying at uni. I jumped from accommodation to accommodation, whilst studying and working a job.
I guess men started noticing me (not in a good way). On the street I have been spat at. I have been called "disgusting" "ugly" "gross", men making it knownt to me that they reject me even when I wasn't even paying attention to them on the streets and at uni.
I guess I thought that even if my mother had rejected me, that maybe I would find someone, have a normal relationship, get married, have children like a normal person right?
That was further from the truth, men had only been using me for their own gratification. I was treat differently to other girls I knew. When me and my white former friends went out, they would always get attention whilst id be on the sidelines, ignored.
To be loved, you need to be found attractive to people and I guess maybe I wasn't attractive to as many people. People around me like my best friend and other women esp would say that im "pretty" "stunning" and the reason I was getting hate was because of my race. Tbh I will never know why, I am unpopular here, the country I grew up in.
I kept getting fucked over in relationships. Never had a relationship that lasted longer than 3 months. Nobody really wanted to stay. My isolation worsened my anxiety. I get stared at a lot by strangers when I go out.
Now, I'm 28, 29 next month. A lot of people my age have at least had those experiences or even married or whatever along those lines. Tbh all I wanted in life was to love and be loved in return and that never happened to me. I don't know why my parents had me. I have no parents, no family, I have a few friends but they aren't really in my vicinity so I am completely alone. I just think that there is nobody out there for me, and that I should just end my life because the idea of being alone for the rest of my life sounds torturous to me...
And before you say, "be around black people" I don't know why, but I have such an aversion to that. Im sorry, I am sick and tired of my race being the underlying cause to all my problems. Its like a big fat label to the point that people don't see me for me.
They just see me as just the black girl. Im tired of it, im tired of everything just being about my race. I never chose to come to this country I came here by my parents choice and now I have to face all this shit because of it. If black women are so undesirable in the west then why didn't they just leave me back "where I am really from" even if my quality of life was bad my ignorance to the rest of the world would have made me a lot happier.
Growing up, she wanted me to be exactly like her, speak her language fluently and be a "good practicing muslim" at the same time. For context I live in a white majority area (Im in the UK, not England) and only family member I had around me all this time was her and my brother. Wed only visit family once a year in the past till I turned 19.
What I am trying to say here that I grew up around white people and was influenced by them. My mother never understood this, my mother was "disappointed" in me because I wasn't the type of child she wanted. According her I was "weird" and "stupid". She would call me this everyday. She was also physically abusive, I have been hit, thrown stuff at, strangled. My mother threatened to put needles in my eyes, throw electrical appliances, burn me with a iron etc. Generally speaking I became terrified of her.
I am quite introspective, I love drawing and writing. Making mangas, playing video games. And I guess I was considered weird.
When I became a teenager it just got worse. I was quite shy and I found it difficult to talk to people at times. Then the racism came, people started to isolate from me, I was bullied, I didn't have many friends. I came back home to be a servant, cleaning, looking after my brother, and I guess listening to all her emotional trauma dumping. And if I didn't do a good job, shed tell me that "even a dog was better than me."
Tbh I hated her, she would shout and yell at me. She would accuse me of "acting white" and she didn't want me to have white non-muslim friends, (not that I had that anyway at the time).
Anyway I can't explain everything as that is too long. So when I was 20, my mother kicked me out of the house for staying too long outside and not even caring to call to check up on her. She gave me a few minutes, I left her and never looked back ever since.
I was homeless for a long time, luckily I had a best friend that had been there to support me. And I was studying at uni. I jumped from accommodation to accommodation, whilst studying and working a job.
I guess men started noticing me (not in a good way). On the street I have been spat at. I have been called "disgusting" "ugly" "gross", men making it knownt to me that they reject me even when I wasn't even paying attention to them on the streets and at uni.
I guess I thought that even if my mother had rejected me, that maybe I would find someone, have a normal relationship, get married, have children like a normal person right?
That was further from the truth, men had only been using me for their own gratification. I was treat differently to other girls I knew. When me and my white former friends went out, they would always get attention whilst id be on the sidelines, ignored.
To be loved, you need to be found attractive to people and I guess maybe I wasn't attractive to as many people. People around me like my best friend and other women esp would say that im "pretty" "stunning" and the reason I was getting hate was because of my race. Tbh I will never know why, I am unpopular here, the country I grew up in.
I kept getting fucked over in relationships. Never had a relationship that lasted longer than 3 months. Nobody really wanted to stay. My isolation worsened my anxiety. I get stared at a lot by strangers when I go out.
Now, I'm 28, 29 next month. A lot of people my age have at least had those experiences or even married or whatever along those lines. Tbh all I wanted in life was to love and be loved in return and that never happened to me. I don't know why my parents had me. I have no parents, no family, I have a few friends but they aren't really in my vicinity so I am completely alone. I just think that there is nobody out there for me, and that I should just end my life because the idea of being alone for the rest of my life sounds torturous to me...
And before you say, "be around black people" I don't know why, but I have such an aversion to that. Im sorry, I am sick and tired of my race being the underlying cause to all my problems. Its like a big fat label to the point that people don't see me for me.
They just see me as just the black girl. Im tired of it, im tired of everything just being about my race. I never chose to come to this country I came here by my parents choice and now I have to face all this shit because of it. If black women are so undesirable in the west then why didn't they just leave me back "where I am really from" even if my quality of life was bad my ignorance to the rest of the world would have made me a lot happier.
